tiago

pfp credit: @mikxyu_ !! (on twt)

[kiwiapplejelly]

there's something so tragic about losing a friend that held your hand were times were hard. you were my everything once upon a simple time. your voice was one of reason. your texts were those born of comfort. your heartbeat matched mine. i'm convinced we could've been great. i know, if you hadn't cut me off in an episode, that we could'e lasted until today and far beyond. if only i could contact you still. if only i could tell you how i miss you. if only i knew how you are doing. do you wonder about me the way i wonder about you. do you ever read our texts when you're lonely. do you ever try to find me. do you even remember me. i'm sat waiting and waiting and then i walk forward only to look back at you, frozen in time. you knew the real me, the fun me, the easy me and he's still here, i'd still let him see you, if only you would let me see you. i miss you. my poppy. my white dove.

[kiwiapplejelly]

went to the beach for the first time since my tansition (5 years) but the binder and swimshirt were too hot and giving me serious sensory issues so i've decided to get a bikini and lowk never wanna swim again unless ive had surgery. i hate being the way i am.

[kiwiapplejelly]

ever since my last relationship whenever i see a "good morning" message i just cringe and don't want to reply

[kiwiapplejelly]

don't mourn many things but i do however know that i could've been great fun to be around if only i wasn't slightly off putting and odd due to my autism

[kiwiapplejelly]

as soon as tears shoot into my eyes at the smallest inconvenience i know i'm overstimulated and before that, i can't really tell so idk what that says about me

[kiwiapplejelly]

do you ever think of the past and feel this immense empathy and pity for yourself because of how you acted due to the pain you endured

[kiwiapplejelly]

colleague misgendered me and then profusely apologised right after (she's always only known me as a man but i'm pre-T and non-passing so i'm not that touchy about misgendering).

in our break, she apologised again and i told her 'it's fine, don't even worry about it.' which then led to her saying 'does it happen to you often?

'what? being called she?'

'yeah'

girl does she NOT KNOW THAT I'M TRANS? like okay, my name is officially changed and i've got short hair and wear a binder. but she said it as though she truly believed i was a boy which had me speechless.

i think about that a lot 😭

[kiwiapplejelly]

i wish all wiating rooms would be completely empty upon my arrival so i could explore them and endulge in the deafening curiousity about all the silly little decorations

oh my GOSH it requires serious self control to sit still rn

[kiwiapplejelly]

i'm angry and i want to unleash the beast but there's no one standing on the receiving end so i just whine like an abandoned dog

[kiwiapplejelly]

being trans pre-transistion is desperately trying to pass only to be utterly disgusted by your reflection because you simplt do not pass.

it's an existence between genders even though i only want to live in one. how i feel abd how i'm perceived are polar opposites and each day it knocks me down a little further.

it's been five years. i'm an adult now. it makes the entire thing a little more shameful. it feels as though people still see me as the confused teen that is attempting to find themselves.

do they believe it will end soon? are they waiting for me to turn around and be "normal"?

i feel so embarrassed but i know i'm getting closer and closer to the finish line. i shouldn't turn around. i can't turn around. i don't want to.

and yet, i hate turning to see my reflection because who i am right now is not even close to who i feel i am.

[kiwiapplejelly]

when he neglected tf outta me when i was a child but now he's putting in the effort i wanted back then

no thanks i'm actually busy with all these hobbies you never cared for when i was young and suddenly want to know all about

[kiwiapplejelly]

daily visit to the grocery store to stare at orchids and other plants in total awe as i debate if i should bring another one home

[kiwiapplejelly]

yeah sure, life can be shit but have y'all ever been an autistic transman with severe eczema and dysphoria in the middle of a heatwave?

no? okay so basically it feels like death²

[kiwiapplejelly]

hot autism take (probably):

but the statement "i feel like an alien among other people" just doesn't sit right with me and i have never been able to identify with it, no matter how much i tried.

yes, i hate being perceived. yes, sometimes i feel like i'm being watched and judged 100%. yes, i also feel different from others.

but that different is not like BAD, it's just sorta there. i'm different. that's okay. not every human is the same anyway, right? i'm one of many.

perceived? watched? judged? that's sorta just my anxiety. no one cares about what i do.

and when neurotypicals do something i dont understand or i miss a social cue, i sorta just stare, shrug and move on. how deep can it truly be?

[kiwiapplejelly]

if you lovesick about some MAN gtfo of my face

[kiwiapplejelly]

bitches be expecting me to say "i can fix him" but last time i thought that, i was the one that needed fixing in the end

[kiwiapplejelly]

i've got my panties in a untwistable twist right now and this is not a fucking drill