first post in a year. hi.
i got a new wall-mount table. white surface. very clean. very "i have my life together" energy which is a lie but the table doesn't know that.
now i need a desk mat and i've been sitting here for way too long thinking about what color to get. not because it's hard. because i started thinking about why i always reach for black. like — do i love black, or do i love that black is safe? do i prefer it or have i just never let myself find out what i actually prefer?
which is a heavy question to be asking about a desk mat at 1am. but here we are.
i don't think black is wrong. i think black is honest. it's not "settling" to choose something reliable. but i also want to know if i'd choose it even if it wasn't the easiest answer. that feels important. not for the desk mat. for me.
i might repaint the house sometime in the next 6 months. maybe yellow. maybe something lighter. so the color thing isn't even settled in the background — it's all in flux. maybe that's why i can't commit to a desk mat. maybe i'm subconsciously waiting to see who i'm becoming.
anyway. i ended up talking to an ai about this. not because i needed help picking a color — i needed someone to think out loud with and my brain was the only one awake. it kept trying to give me a "final answer" and i kept saying no wait hold on let me explain. and somehow that turned into — this. whatever this is.
i'm on tumblr because @rafipuff said once, in a japanese study stream, that tumblr is the only social media that still feels like it has soul. i don't know if i see a lot of soul right now either. but i understand what he means — it's anonymous in a good way, it's slow, people here write because they want to write, not because an algorithm is holding them hostage. so maybe the soul isn't loud. maybe it's just not performing.
i'll figure out the desk mat. or i won't and i'll just use the table bare and call it minimalism.
but i think i needed to say some of this out loud. even if out loud is a text post that maybe three people will read.