Sane.. And i hope for a long while

[kizhira]

[kizhira]

And when I thought things will never get better, it did.

[kizhira]

I want to ran away. Escape this suffocating place I’m living in. I want to be someone else. Forget everyone I know who made me feel small and helpless.

I’m tired of this endless loop. My dreams are so far-fetched and I’m getting eccentric each day. I’d rather dwell in negative emotions than be faking optimism.

I’d usually put my blame to anyone else than myself and yet I know deep down that my regrets are mine to claim.

I’m doubtful and I started to question the people I love. No one have been as true to me as I was with them and I painfully expected reciprocity. I can’t do anything about it and I feel utterly worthless.

I can’t leave them and I cant lose them. Atleast not yet. I don’t feel any self-respect as I accepted bare minimums and thank them for some supports I never needed. I needed honesty and loyalty. It irks me that I can feign ignorance over the lies I’m accepting.

I’ve been so good at pretending that I can even fool myself that nothing was wrong with me. I seek out therapists behind my family’s back and yet I never had a support system to consider.

I want to be fucking someone else and leave everyone that’s making me feel this way behind. Especially myself.

January 09, 2023

- And that was why I never looked forward to this year or the upcoming years. That is plain b*llsht.

MSM

[kizhira]

There are days my head is filled with dark thoughts like,

had I not carry with me a strong faith and belief that taking my life is a sin, I would do it without any hesitations.

[kizhira]

If they’d ask me to narrates you,

Calm is how I will first portray you

Like a quiet evening after watching a good show

Or Saturday mornings - where worries of waking up late ceases away

Your mere presence comforts me

I could be myself or somebody else

Composed is how I will describe you next

My facade was never a question to you

You’d still understand.

The third one is a bit strange -

Reserved is what you are, my love.

But your boundaries and secrets

are safe with me

Someday, I know you will show them

I’ll wait.

My life seems dull to me

Drinking my black coffee as soon as I wake up

Or staying up late staring at my ceiling

So if I will paint you with my life

You are the hue or the shades of all

colors.

The last one will be different

I’d like to depict you as Time itself

For I was never sure how much I have left

Nor I have a clue when it is going to end

But if I will be granted a wish -

I’d like to spend the rest of it with you.

-MSM

Sept. 13, 2022

[kizhira]

09.13.’13

I’m in the same cycle again. I know I’m not moving nor getting things done. It came to the point that someone told me I’m not the Mitchie she knows. That I should bounce back. I don’t know where my problem lies and that I have no idea how to fix what’s wrong with me. I’m not sad. I’m not happy either. It seems I lost my motivation lately. Yet again. The thing is, it lingers now. I prolong it. I keep it like a momentum. I will think of it and remind myself to do better. But I do worse each day. Like running in a field endlessly. I’m getting tired yet I do not want to stop and think of a way out. I don’t know where I’m heading. I can’t clearly see it. I know it’s somewhere. But where?

[kizhira]

09.06’22

When I was young, I used to be freaked out whenever I whisper my own name or I see my reflection on a mirror. I vividly remember how I thought I was a stranger to my own self. Until now I still wonder what was the reason behind that.

I also have fears of broken faucets continuously running. Although pools are okay with me. I just get really anxious when I think it will not end. That was also why I panicked at the sight of blood. I did not like the idea of voidness. Or death. Or misfortunes.

I hated the tick-tock of clocks or the afternoons where time seemed still. I think it was 2-3pms. It felt different to me than the rest of the 24 hours we have.

My childhood was bittersweet. Although I barely remember things - some core memories are stuck with me. I used to have a childhood friend where we used to lay down at the top of a truck while stargazing at the quietness of the night until our grandparents would call on us to come home. I still wonder where did that friend go. I can’t even recall his name. Was he Jason?

I never had a large circle of friends when I was in elementary school. I can still feel how heartbroken I was when my only friend Arlyn transferred in a different school at fourth grade. I think she was my only friend. I was always alone then. I had my own little world. While my friends were having crushes, I was busy playing arcade games or reading books.

I guess until now some fears and habits stayed with me. Like the dead afternoons or a broken faucet.

-MSM

[kizhira]

I once thought I was a victim because of my ardent indenial about something that has long been over. There came a point where I had wished to never wake up again so I could escape the pain. I learned the hard way that we are responsible for our own heart. If we break it, take a moment to review what causes the hurt and sadness. One day you might realize it is you who have caused it because you refuses to let go and move on. I don't know what you're going through and what kind of pain your are trying to endure right now but I hope you will always find a silverlining despite the blinding darkness.

-MSM

[kizhira]

08.07.’22

At this age, I’m often asked why I’m still single or unmarried. One thing I hate the most when people will try to ignore my answers and instead come into conclusions like “Baka naman kasi ang taas ng standard mo.” “Baka naman kasi ang pihikan mo.” “Baka naman kasi hindi mo lang pinapansin yung nandyan na.”

I know I would’ve been married if I just settled to what they were expecting me to do. In fact, I did. I expected less. I lowered my standards. I settled.

And yet still, it will all come down to this one painful truth. I am and will always be the girl that is always liked but never pursued.

I used to get hurt whenever I think of this realization and now I am just merely curious why? My face or body ain’t that bad and I’m actually a standard to some but why? Why does it seems like guys will fall for me but will stop pursuing me midway. I am not hard to maintain. I actually adjusted a lot when I was in a relationship. I always try to be the bigger person. I exert effort and break my own set of rules just to be with them. I know I’m not perfect. I have mood swings just like everyone else. I may not look like I appreciate efforts yet I’m just not as expressive when it comes to this one. In fact I always keep all the things and even the small ones since I am sentimental type of person. I am not jealous or will try to reason out why I shouldn’t. I am caring. I am somehow sweet. Gee. I am not even a nagger. I will let them have their own fun time. Then why? Sometimes I encounter guys that will pursue me but only from the start until they will have these excuses like, “I deserve better.” “I’m not sure if I can give you what you want.”

I’m curious to the point that it gets funnier over time.

-MSM

[kizhira]

Am I too soft for my own good? I often get betrayed by people I expect the least to do it and yet I still forgive. My life would probably be a lot easier if I just hold grudges but I always find myself forgetting the things they did and can still look for reasons to understand them.

Do I really deserve this? I never had such large circle of friends. I always cling to people that are already familiar to me. It takes a long time for me to let someone in. And it takes forever to move on from them.

Were these the reasons why it’s hard to let go even when they are hurting me? Because when I choose these people, I put my faith in them. I try to give everything I’ve got just to keep them in my life even at the expense of setting aside my feelings at the process.

Am I really this stupid? I never learned from my pasts.

-MSM

07.31.’22

[kizhira]

I think I’m going to love now while already looking at the ending. Somehow waiting what kind of pain would I feel the next time I did.

It’s exhausting. My mind.

-MSM

07.’31.’22

[kizhira]

It’s 11:54 and I’m currently looking outside my comfort zone wondering things I’ve never wanted to wondered before. Do I cross someone’s mind right now? What do they feel about it? Do they resent me? Long for me? Wish that I was there? Or wish they’ve never met me?

[leonardospoetry]

It usually starts as a longing for something unseen, something unknown. Like forgetting a beautiful memory, the most precious one. All I’m left with is the space carved in my soul. Empty.

But this emptiness doesn’t have to hurt. Like the blank page offers a home to a poem, this emptiness can be the space for possibility and new beginnings. A home to the world. For this world is vast and expanding. And so is life. There’s no final destination. No ultimate point. 

To end this little musing on emptiness, I’ll share with you a quote by the mathematician Robert Kaplan that pretty much sums it up: “If you look at zero you see nothing; but look through it and you will see the world.”

[kizhira]

Come to think of it, I’m not brave but a coward.

My first, second and last relationship ended up by just not talking to them. Leaving without trying to fix the problem. Not expressing how I really feel. Trying.

Even my almost relationships. I stopped talking to them out of whim. Or when I just feel like I should. No explanation. Just suddenly cutting ties.

Aside from being a coward, I’m probably not a good person for doing this.

I hate it.

I hate myself for being like this.

I hate that no one was able to see why I am doing this and tries harder to keep me.

But it’s probably my fault. I was never worth the risk.

07.17.’22

-MSM

[kizhira]

- I just realized everyone left or I pushed them to leave during the most difficult phase of my life.

[langleavpoetry]

[kizhira]

I learned a new word today.

Redemancy (noun)

- the act of loving in return.

I wonder which one scares me now. An unrequited love or this kind of love. I wonder if I ever fall in love again, would I be contented loving him from afar just to diminish the chance of breaking my heart. Atleast with this one, I won’t be taking chances and risking everything I have.

These traumas made me fucking wary of everyone that tries to get close to me for I know one’s heart can change abruptly. One moment he’s so sure of you and the next thing you know, he’s gone.

-MSM

07.10.’22