your college years that were filled being known as "heeseung's girlfriend" are all brought back to you when you and your ex reunite at a popular youtube show
warnings: profanity, recalling trauma from a relationship, miscommunication, 18+
masterlist - wc: 4583
as you sit on the stiff couch inside of the dressing room, you think about how you were going to react after seeing your ex for the first time in 2 years. would you feel angry? maybe. what about sadness? probably, you were a crier after all. happy? highly unlikely.
you didn’t even know you felt in this specific moment and it brought you back to one of the last conversations you and heeseung had before you had finally decided to fully go no contact with him.
it was a few days after you had told him you wanted to break up, a 3 hour conversation that ended with you crying and leaving heeseung’s apartment while he fought with his inner demons on whether or not he should run after you.
to which he didn’t but you soon found yourself back at his apartment the next day to get whatever you had left behind.
the interaction was awkward, neither of you wanted to speak but yet you both had so much to say. it was like walking over eggshells in an empty room, every sound the two of you made echoed and amplified the tension between you two.
“do you really want this?” heeseung whispered, hanging onto the last bit of hope he had that you didn’t want to break up even though he knew there was no use in trying.
‘i– i don’t know what i want hee..” you murmured, choosing to keep your gaze on his front door because you were afraid that the tears building up at your waterline would fall if you looked into his eyes. those eyes that held so much hope and love for you, but all you could see inside them was the reflection of an unrecognizable girl. you were losing yourself and you didn’t know what to do aside from isolate yourself. so that’s what you did.
“tell me how you feel? please.. anything– i’ll do anything to fix this–”
“i don’t even know how i feel! ok, hee? i don’t know! i’m–
i’m so lost and i just can’t keep doing this..” you finally decide to look at heeseung and to your surprise, he has tears of his own streaking down his pale skin. it was a lie.
you knew how you felt but you couldn’t bring yourself to verbalize it to him. how could you possibly explain to your boyfriend that although he loved you dearly and would do anything for you, all you felt was the insecurity of being the one he called the love of his life.
your brother was right when you said that being heeseung’s girlfriend was going to be hard, he didn’t mean anything by it aside from the fact that the life heeseung lived was under constant observation and that anyone he associated with would also be put under that spotlight.
but you didn’t care, because you loved heeseung and heeseung loved you.
that was until you felt like you were being torn apart by the judgemental stares and snide remarks by strangers who would look at the both of you whenever you’d be out walking hand in hand. or the comments people would leave online about “the unknown girl” that heeseung was with.
they hadn’t even bothered to learn your name, they just called you “unknown” and after being referred to by so many people for so long; that’s how you began to see yourself.
unknown.
forgetting about who you really were and if it wasn’t the unknown girl then it was just “heeseung’s girlfriend”. sure that title was nice to have and you loved being his girlfriend, but it was starting to mess with your head. the insecurity building inside of you that the only thing you’d ever be known for was being heeseung’s girlfriend. nothing else.
not the girl who graduated top of her class in university.
not the girl who worked tirelessly doing research in stem cell regeneration since the age of 16.
“yn– come with me, we’re about to start filming.” the kind PA poked her head into the waiting room and motioned for you to follow her. you weren’t even nervous, but your hands were a bit sweaty so you patted them dry on your jeans as you stood up from the couch and followed the girl.
what would heeseung be like after two years? would he be just as kind and understanding? or would he harbor a form of resentment towards you?
either way, you weren’t necessarily ecstatic to see him again.
you ended your relationship without a sufficient explanation so you wouldn’t blame heeseung if he held a grudge against you. you just hoped that this interview would open the floor for a long awaited discussion and possibly some resolve.
once you arrive to the set, the PA tells you to wait a moment and you could hear heeseung introducing himself from the other side of the wall, once heeseung was done she instructs you to walk onto the set and stop on the small X on the ground in front of the camera and to introduce yourself, then to take a seat in the empty stool.
easy enough, you thought to yourself but as you’re doing just that, the sight of heeseung has you at a loss for words, accidentally halting just as you round the corner and he comes into view. he was as handsome as ever, maybe even more.
his boyish looks from university had transformed into mature and charming features, but his smile was the same. a smile, that’s good right? he’s smiling at you when you arrive which means that he was being cordial at the slightest.
“maam, please come forward.” the producer instructs from being the camera and you’re shaken out of your thoughts, rushing forward to the spot you were originally supposed to stop at, apologizing to him for the inconvenience.
you quickly introduce yourself similar to how heeseung did just a few minutes ago and when you take the seat across from heeseung, he’s still smiling at you. “you look beautiful by the way.” he whispers, slightly leaning in as if he was too shy to say it outloud. you gave him a tight lipped smile in return just before the producer asked the first question.
how long did you guys date?
you both looked up at the same time, eyes locking in the moment as the words slipped out of both of your lips simultaneously, “three years” and heeseung was chuckling at the sound of your voices blending in with each other. you roll your eyes at his laughter but deep down you loved to hear it.
it all started when your brother introduced the two of you, they were a part of the same hockey team at your university and although he told you that heeseung lived a completely different life from your own, it didn’t stop you from falling in love with the sweet boy who sent you loving glances and careful advances whenever your brother wasn’t around.
you soon learned heeseung came from a well off family, well off being a generous term as he was set for life with the amount of money his family made. you on the other hand, have had to work for everything you had in life and you didn’t care that you had to. you were raised on grit and determination and when you set your eye on something, you would try your hardest to get it.
and so did heeseung. even though you had fallen for him very quickly, the stark difference in your lives was just too vast that you couldn’t bring yourself to say yes whenever heeseung would ask you.
his endless advances however, weren’t in vain as you inevitably agreed to one date, which turned to a second date, and then a third, and eventually you were heeseung’s girlfriend.
and that’s all you would be for the next three years.
what was your first date?
the question catches you off guard, not because of its outlandish manner– but because you had totally forgotten about that date. it was one of the happiest days of your life because after rejecting heeseung for so long, you were so happy to have finally said yes because everything about the date was perfect. the only thing that made you forget about it was your determination to rid your mind of everything heeseung.
something you simply couldn’t do.
“she kept rejecting me… but it wasn’t going to stop me from trying even harder to get her to go on a date with me– not on some weirdo shit though. i promise i know how to take no as an answer” heeseung says, chuckling at the end as he clarifies that he wasn’t being overbearing with his attempts.
“definitely not, he was always sweet; it was me that was saying no because i wanted to play hard to get.” you clarified– heeseung nodding eagerly with a smile as you backed up his words.
“when she finally said yes, i took her to an arcade– which is a bit unusual for a first date, but she said that she had never been to one because most of her life was focused on studies so she never had the chance to play video games and stuff.
so i thought it would be nice to take her to an arcade to show her some of my favorite games i played– she wasn’t very good at the games but it was really nice to see her smile and laugh. then after that we sat on the field near han river and had ramyeon for dinner.” heeseung says, laughing at the end as he recalled one of the happiest moments in his life because he was able to make you smile so brightly.
whenever you were happy, so was heeseung.
who said i love you first?
“me.” heeseung chirps, slightly bouncing in his seat with a smile; like he was so excited to tell everyone about it. “i wanted it to be some romantic thing, where i say i love you for the first time– but it was more of an in-the-moment type thing..
i was going to plan a really nice and fancy date, an expensive dinner with a wine that we couldn’t pronounce and then i was going to take her to stargaze because that’s one of her favorite things to do– but one night, we were just in bed, doing our own thing.
i remember it so vividly because again, yn had the biggest smile on her face when i said it. we were just scrolling on our phones and i was staring at her for the longest– just admiring her and being so happy to have her in my life.
when yn noticed that i was staring at her, she just looked up at me with a weird expression and i just couldn’t help myself and i just had to tell her i loved her then and there.” heeseung shared another happy moment that was filled with joy and love between the two of you; the joy doubled in amount as the two of you relished in the tender moment.
you remember being caught off guard with heeseung’s comment.. like you couldn’t believe his words even though he’s never done anything to lead you on or make you believe his words weren’t genuine.
if heeseung was one thing, it was genuine.
with you.
100% of the time.
what do you think was the cause of your breakup?
this question catches you off guard again, you weren’t expecting it after all of the heartfelt questions prior– it came as a shock to hear it because you were just thinking about happy moments just a few minutes ago.
you glance at the floor as you think about answering, unsure if heeseung was going to speak up first like he has been doing for the last few questions, but all he does is clear his throat and sit in his seat– like he was waiting for you to answer. and so you did.
“um– i think it was me.. there were a lot of things that contributed to it, i think– but in the end i ultimately made the decision to bring up the idea of breaking up and although neither of us wanted to…
i think it was what was best for me..” you explained, not wanting to go into detail of that night.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
“i think we should breakup..” you blurted out as you and heeseung sat in silence. heeseung’s eyes set on yours as those words leave your lips. a dreaded sentence that heeseung never thought would leave either of your mouths.
heeseung loved you so much, he did everything he could to show you his love, but after you uttered those words– it made him rethink everything. had he not been a good boyfriend? did he make you feel unloved? was he not enough?
the only thing heeseung could respond with was a stutter. he couldn’t believe the words he had just heard come out of your lips. those lips that he loved so much. soft and pillowy, it always made him weak in the knees whenever he felt your lips on his.
but right now the weakness in his legs were because he felt like he was about to faint– a ringing in his ears that was drowning everything out. he watched you as you explained how you felt, bearing your emotions to him but he couldn’t hear a thing. he was blinking endlessly and his vision was beginning to blur the longer he stared at you.
“hee? are you ok?” you asked, snapping him out of his daze.
“why? did i do something? i’m sorry– i’ll fix it, please. let me fix it, anything. i’ll do anything, yn don’t leave me.. please.” it all comes out as one run on sentence as heeseung shuffles to your side, arms latching onto your waist as he pleads for you to change your mind.
it breaks your heart to see him like that, the boy who was always so happy to be around you now held so much heartache in his eyes. you knew that you were breaking his heart by doing this, but yours was already shattered having to do it.
“hee– please..” you began, slightly pulling away but heeseung wasn’t letting up, arms still firmly wrapping around you.
“heeseung.. i don’t.. this isn’t going to work out.” you whispered and heeseung looked at you with his big doe eyes, the lights of his apartment reflecting in them but all you could see was the lack of joy.
heeseung asks– begs– you to elaborate. hoping that within your explanation he could find a solution.
your brother was right, heeseung did live an extremely different life from your own, and you thought you could handle it but it all came down on you a lot harder than you expected. at first, it was just the glances from strangers, something you could easily brush off but then it progressed into something that followed you everywhere. like it was haunting you.
people had begun to refer to you solely as “heeseung’s girlfriend” and although heeseung did his best to introduce you as your own person or have you introduce yourself, it just didn’t have the same ring as “heeseung’s girlfriend”.
heeseung’s parents were also never fond of you. they wanted him to marry a woman in his tax bracket, a girl who’s family was as powerful as his and not a girl who had to rely on scholarships and intelligence to get far in life.
like it was looked down upon that you’ve had to work hard your whole life and not something to admire about a person.
because of who heeseung was as a person, however not to his own accord but simply because of the circumstances he was born in, it became hard to be someone that stood by him. not because you couldn’t stand beside heeseung, no, you’d stand by him and everything he did and believed in if it was the last thing you could do..
but standing beside him physically made you feel small.
like you’d never live up to any of the expectations the world had for you even if all that should’ve mattered was heeseung’s and he did everything he could to reassure you that he didn’t care what his parents thought, or what the rich socialites at the gala’s he’d take you would think, or what the tabloids would say about his “unknown girlfriend”.
he loved you no matter what and you wished so damn hard that his words were enough to silence all of the voices inside of your head.
but they weren’t.
“my love, you know that those people’s words don’t mean anything. i love you for who you are, i don’t care about any of those materialistic things, you’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like i wasn’t just a person attached to my last name..
and i love you regardless of anything anyone says about you, all i care about is you.” heeseung utters, hands gently cupping your face as he begs for you to throw all your doubts away and to just listen to him and feel the love he has for you– hoping that it was enough.
but it wasn’t.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
what is something you want to say to them that you didn’t get the chance to?
the two of you had previously needed to take a break, a wave of emotions washing over the two of you because of the previous question– both of you seemingly recalling the night of your breakup, a quiet sob leaving your lips as you try your best to collect yourself while heeseung fights off the same tears from cascading down his face.
you’d think with two people that felt so strongly and lovingly about the other would stay together, especially with the way you both were reacting to it right now, but there were just too many insecurities in your way to let heeseung hold you close and tell you that it was going to be okay–
no matter how hard he tried.
“i think with everything that was going on the night that we broke up, i was just crying so much i don’t think i was fully able to share how i felt and it wasn’t fair to you that i simply left it at ‘we need to break up’ without going further on why..
our friends, my brother specifically, would tell me how much of a wreck you were after we broke up and it broke my heart even more knowing that i left you with so much to think about and neither of us ever got closure from it. so i’m really sorry that i wasn’t able to communicate better but it was just so hard because i didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault– which it never was, it’s never been your fault– but i think i ended up making you feel that way regardless.
so i just want to say i’m sorry heeseung. i’m sorry i left you with that burden and made it seem like you weren’t doing enough to console me and to dispel my concerns because you truly were, you were so patient with me and showed me all the love you had inside of you but i just couldn’t shake this feeling like..
like i wasn’t enough for you or that i didn’t deserve to be loved by you. it’s not your fault and i just let all of those comments and judgemental glares get the better of me and it flooded my mind with insecurities that i just.. i just ended up drowning in it.”
thinking about it now, you weren’t sure why it was so hard to tell him this a few years ago but it was all coming out so naturally now; maybe it was because some time has passed and you’ve been able to heal from some of it. definitely not all of it, but some.
heeseung looked at you with tears in his eyes, a sense of sympathy welling in chest as he thought about what you must’ve had to go through. heeseung knew you felt a certain way about how people perceived you because of the status he and his family had and he tried his best to show you that you were the only thing that mattered but sometimes insecurities and the harsh words of our own minds were our biggest enemies.
you had your own battles to deal with and so did heeseung.
“i wish i could’ve done more to help you– you did, heeseung. you did so much but it was.. it was me, not you..” you interrupt him when he begins to blame himself again, something that you wished he wouldn’t do.
“i know it sounds cliche to say it but it wasn’t you, it was me.” you whispered.
“well.. thank you for telling me how you feel and i’m still sorry that you had to go through that at my expense. i know you want to say that it was you and not me but i can’t help but feel responsible for that. it was rooted in something that was connected to me and at the end of the day, it’s something that i have to bear and i wish we could’ve gone through it together..
maybe if i tried even more, showed people how much i loved you even louder, fought and pushed back against those who made comments about you instead of consoling you in private. i should’ve done more to show the world that you are what mattered to me most instead of whispering it into your ears as we laid silently in my bed.
i’m sorry that i couldn’t do more for us..”
heeseung’s words came out more as a revelation than a confession. like he was, in that moment, realizing what wrongs he should’ve corrected. he wished he could’ve loved you and rubbed it in everyone's face. like he was the proudest man on earth to have you by his side as his girl instead of leaving it to silent whispers in private.
do you regret breaking up?
the question hung heavily in the room. neither of you didn’t know how to answer it because as much as the both of you would like to say you do regret it, time has passed since then and the both of you have changed and don’t know how your lives would be if you chose to stay together.
would you have continued to harbor these insecurities and have it build up inside of you? inevitably spilling and bursting out of you, resulting in a messier break up that could’ve been more heartbreaking than the one you had?
or would you have learned to overcome those insecurities with the help of heeseung who only loved you more and more as the days went by.
neither of you were sure.
“i do.. i regret it because i should’ve fought harder for her.. it might sound dramatic but it’s my biggest regret to this day.” heeseung said, a sense of certainty in his words that you’ve only seen whenever heeseung would tell you how much he loved you.
“i don’t know.. i wish i could say i had a definite answer– but i don’t. clearly i still have a lot of insecurities to get through and break out of, but i do know that i don’t regret loving heeseung. that’s for sure.”
if you could, would you get back together?
“yes” heeseung blurts out, like he was in a competition and had to answer as fast as he could. he didn’t care if he came off as desperate or pitiful, he wanted to show everyone, including you, that he still loved you and would take you back in a heartbeat.
“100%, yes.” heeseung adds, looking at you with a longing gaze– waiting for your answer, in hopes that you’d have the same answer.
“i wouldn’t be opposed to it.” you responded, a smile creeping up on heeseung’s lips as you answered.
it made him so happy and he’ll take any chance he gets to get you back.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
“can we try again?” heeseung asks.
heeseung had asked you if you wanted to grab dinner after filming, it was pretty late when the two of you finished recording your episode because you had to constantly take breaks in between the questions because one of you would cry too much.
that was something you admired about heeseung, he was so in touch with his emotions and wasn’t afraid to cry.
heeseung had your hands in his, thumbs rubbing your knuckles softly as he waited for your answer, hoping that it would be “yes.”
“yeah.” you smile and nod– and that single word was able to invoke a type of happiness inside of heeseung that he hasn’t felt in a long time. a type of happiness that he only felt with you.
heeseung is instantly wrapping you in his arms, swaying the both of you side to side, paying no mind to the glares that the two of you were getting from all of the people in the restaurant you were having dinner in.
and for the next two months, you and heeseung become one again. your heart mending itself as you two would spend time together, healing from the heartbreak of two years ago. heeseung would tell you he loved you everyday and kept his promise about loving you outwardly and unapologetically.
everything was going well, until it wasn't.
getting back together didn’t last long as you soon both realized that although you were back together, it didn’t have the same type of spark you two had in the past. like how even though your hearts were no longer shattered and were whole again, it didn’t shine in the light like it used to.
like it was tainted and neither of you could figure out how to get back to the way you both felt as college students.
maybe it was just a type of love that you grow out of.
you and heeseung still loved each other but this time around, things were just too different that you couldn’t help but delve in the past, your history eventually catching up to the both of you even though you were both trying so hard to keep it together.
“so.. this is it, huh?” heeseung asks, biting down on his lip as he awkwardly stands in front of you, your hands in his once again.
“i think so..” you sniffled, trying your best to smile when there wasn’t anything to smile about.
“i’ll always love you, even if we didn’t work out.” you said, pulling him into a hug, your face softly pressed against his chest as heeseung wraps his arms around you. rubbing your back gently and wishing that he never had to let go. your bodies molded together so perfectly, he couldn’t believe that you weren’t perfect together.
“i’ll never stop loving you, yn. you will always have a place in my heart.” he mutters, placing a gentle kiss onto your forehead. a last kiss that your skin would soon forget as time passed but your heart would forever fond over.
an interview between you and your ex for a popular youtube show explores the reasons for your failed engagement and why you called off the engagement
park jongseong x reader
genre: angst, heartbreak, exes reunited
warnings: talks about relationship trauma, mentions of mental illness, profanity, 18+
masterlist - wc: 4290
15 years since you met jay.
4 years of dating jay.
3 years of being his fiance.
and 3 years since you’ve seen him last.
did these numbers mean anything to you? probably if you were the person you were three years ago when it was all that weighed on your mind as you looked at jay with tears in your eyes. that night often played in your head when you wallowed in your sadness, letting the darkness shroud you and envelope your being, the silence ringing throughout the room as you’re forced to remember one of the saddest days of your life.
you and jay met 15 years ago through a mutual friend and after talking back and forth and trying to ignore the tension between the two of you, jay finally asked you out on a date which turned into several dates; which then turned into 4 years of being his girlfriend.
“yn, we’re ready for you.” the PA says, peeking into the small room they had you waiting in. you give her a smile paired with a nod as you stand from your seat, following her to wherever they needed you to be for filming.
if you met jay 15 years ago, then now would be 3 years since you broke up.
she instructs you to stand on an X marker on the ground and quickly tells you what to do, walk from behind the wall, stand in the center of the set and in front of the camera and introduce yourself. simple enough, you thought. so you did just that, walking around the wall and onto the set where everything was a stark white but your breath gets caught in your throat when you see the face that you’ve been seemingly trying to forget for the last three years.
jay sat there, on the stool with his arms crossed as he watched you enter from the other side of the room. he looked even more handsome than he did the last time you saw him and you couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty as there seems to be an air around jay that you hadn’t witnessed when you two were together.
“please, introduce yourself.” the producer asks from behind the camera when he and the rest of the crew, along with jay, have noticed you’ve spaced out and had been staring at the camera. you clear your throat before answering, muttering a small apology.
“hi, i’m yn and today i’ll be doing an interview with my ex.. ex fiance.” you say, taking your seat from across jay who’s eyes have not left your figure since you walked in and although you wanted nothing more to lock eyes with him and take in his features now that you were much closer, you couldn’tbring yourself to do it because you’re afraid all you’d be able to see was the sorrow that filled them much like that night all those years ago.
how long did you guys date?
your eyes were glued to the white floor of the filming studio, several scuff marks that you suddenly found so interesting as you focused on them instead of the interview you were currently filming. you weren’t even sure why you agreed to do it but it was all in the name of closure you assumed when sunoo, the mutual friend that introduced you to jay, set up this whole thing.
sunoo said something about seeing the series on the internet and thought that it would be perfect for the two of you. sunoo kept in touch with you both after the fallout and has always hated how he managed to be at the center of it, trying his best to keep his two best friends together when you were being held together by a thin piece of thread.
he signed up the both of you without you knowing and before you know it, sunoo was driving you to the studio while jay willingly abliged.
when sunoo had told you what this was all for he apologized profusely but wasn’t going to let you walk away. he knows how much pain you had gone through the last few years and imagined that this was the only way to help you move on. he knew it was wrong to throw you into this, blindsided and unaware, but he knew it was for your own good.
“we dated for a total of 7 years, as boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years and we were engaged for 3.” jay speaks up after the silence in the room. you could feel him still staring at you and because you didn’t want to meet his gaze, you averted your eyes to the camera and nodded, silently agreeing with what he had said.
everyone in the room can feel the tension between the two of you and one would think that this tension would create a great episode for their show, angst and tension filling the room about the history between the two of you; but you just didn’t feel like this was the right place to finally have this talk.
you didn’t blame sunoo because he’s always pushed you to do the right thing but this was the one thing that you didn’t want to have to do.
jay could tell from the moment you walked in that you were nervous. he was always good at that, reading you and understanding you when no one else could. he could tell by the way your eyes wavered, the way your lips quivered, and the way your leg bounced that your nerves were eating you up from the inside.
so, jay did what he always did. took initiative so that you wouldn’t have to face the worries swimming in your head.
what was your first date?
“i took her to a strawberry farm, we picked strawberries, pet the farm animals, and at the end the kind people at the farm made us several pastries with the strawberries we picked and packed up the rest.
it was a beautiful place, they unfortunately got shut down a few years ago.” jay explained and you could almost smell the pastries from that day. strawberry turnovers, tarts, and croissants that tasted sweeter than anything you’ve ever tried before. there was only one thing that tasted sweeter but that was something you’d never be able to taste again.
“i didn’t know that..” you gasped, looking up at jay when you heard about the news of the farm. you loved that place, albeit you only went that one time, it was a memory you’d forever hold close to you. the information of the farm closing down had instantly lowered the wall you had previously, causing you to break out of whatever resistance you had and instantly responding to jay.
“when?” you asked, a small smile on jay’s lips after you’ve finally started to speak again. “three years ago.” he responded and it almost made you laugh. not the type of laughter that came from the chest when you would laugh and run out of breath whenever jay would tickle you, no. it was a bitter laugh, like you couldn’t believe that the farm you had your first date with jay closed down around the same time you two called off the engagement.
correction– closed down around the same time that you called off the engagement.
it was poetic almost but you weren’t ever fond of poems.
who said i love you first?
“me.” you spoke up, you didn’t know that this question was coming but as soon as you heard it you were speaking before you could even think. a slightly shocked expression on your face when you realize you had spoken up so fast. “i did, i remember that day pretty vividly because it was our one month of officially dating and jay has prepared a whole dinner by himself but the oven in his apartment stopped working in the middle of cooking and he was on the verge of a breakdown.
i hadn’t seen jay like that before and it hurt me to see him so hurt. he was trying so hard and i knew he felt like he was disappointing me because the dinner he had planned failed but i didn’t care. i loved that he cared so much that it almost brought him to tears but i just wanted to be with him, the dinner was just a plus.” you recall the story and jay is silently laughing to himself as he recalls the memory too.
“it was supposed to be a perfect dinner for you, i prepared so much that week and my oven just had to stop working… we ended up ordering take out.” jay added.
“it was perfect just as long as you were there.” you whispered, jay barely hearing what you said but you were loud just enough for him to hear it. a smile tugging on his lips.
what do you think was the cause of your breakup?
“um– we were together for a total of 7 years, had known each other for a total of 15 and i was very happy to be with jay– when he proposed it was all i could talk about for months. that year was so magical and i felt like i was constantly on cloud 9 but… the year turned into two and eventually it turned into three and then i felt like the wedding that i had dreamed of since i was a little girl was never going to happen.
every year that we were engaged i had brought up the idea of starting to plan for our wedding, location and date, things like that, but it felt like it wasn’t going anywhere. like i was the only one excited to get married and eventually the excitement was replaced with dread and doubt.
i was afraid that the longer that we waited to get married that we would only lose love for each other. i mean– i never stopped loving jay, but it felt like the engagement didn’t hold the weight of the meaning of that word. it’s not anyone’s fault, especially jay’s, i don’t blame him for any of it because at the end of the day i made that choice.
feeling like my love was slipping away and time wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. the longer i waited the more it seemed like my brain was just filled with doubt and no matter how hard jay tried to soothe my worries and tell me that he loved me no matter what, i couldn’t shake the feeling that the wedding was never going to come.
and didn’t… all because of me.” this was the most you had spoken throughout the filming, tears stinging your eyes as you finally spoke about the pain you had been harboring for so long. jay always knew that you were battling with these emotions and he did his best to make sure you knew how much he loved you.
he couldn’t let you blame yourself for this because he knew he had a part in it too. jay didn’t know why he kept prolonging the wedding. you were always so excited to talk about it and he’d always give you a short answer when you would ask.
“soon, baby.”
“we’ll get married soon, i promise.”
he’d say, but soon turned to never and he didn’t know why. jay loved you, that was a fact, but the idea of marriage became more and more of a distant thought the longer the two of you remained as engaged. he wanted to marry you but the time never felt right to him and he didn’t know why.
he still doesn’t know.
jay couldn’t give you an answer then on why he always avoided marriage plans even though he was the one that proposed, if you were to ask now; he’d probably just stare at you. a blank expression on his face as he tries to come up with an answer that he knows he still doesn’t have.
was it because he couldn’t see himself marrying you?
was it the fact that marriage was merely a dream and not a reality?
or was it the fact that jay felt like there was no where else to go? and that marriage was this last option that he thought could bring something new but it only brought dread.
he could never confess that to you, you held so much pain already, it wasn’t fair to you if he told you that.
nor was it fair that he’s let you live with this pain all these years letting you think you were the cause for all of this.
he was a coward and he knew that.
is there anything you’ve always wanted to tell the other that you haven’t?
the silence was deafening, both of you had so much you wanted to say to the other but neither of you wanted to speak up. you went through the several things in your head that you could choose, which of those thoughts that has plagued and polluted your mind for years could you possibly present to jay that would provide you any sense of relief.
feeling his loss of love and interest since he slid the engagement ring onto your finger?
the growing distance between the two of you that he’d try to mask with an occasional fancy date that would only subdue your worries momentarily?
the way you noticed that happiness became a chore for the both of you?
so many different things that you wish you could tell him and talk about but none of which felt right because it seemed that you were always the one that was wrong in the end.
and you knew that.
“yn… i know our relationship was long and filled with so many good memories– but i felt like you were always fighting something internally that i couldn’t help you with. i tried my best to be there for you but you often pushed me away no matter how hard i tried to help you.
it’s not your fault, i hope you know that but i could only do so much and at some point… i didn’t know what else i could do.” jay’s voice was low, a tone that you’ve never heard from him before. it was a mixture of despair and mockery almost. like he was telling you something that you already knew but reiterating it and centering himself in your own agony to make it seem like whatever issues you were dealing with directly affected him.
in some ways, it did. you could admit that. jay tried his best to make you feel loved and to help you get through whatever you were going through, but you not once pushed him away. any chance that you could get to feel his love you grasped onto it like it was a lifeline.
and it was.
jay was your lifeline and when you called off the engagement and your relationship as a whole, you felt like you were drowning in something that not even jay could pull you out of because instead of throwing you that lifeline, jay just seemed to watch you be swept away by the waves.
his words were a shock to you, jay knew from before you dated about the things that were running wild in your mind. your sense of detachment and attachment to people, trust issues, and other traumatic experiences from your childhood that would continue to torment you into adulthood.
even now.
so it didn’t feel fair that jay would use that against you.
“a lot of our friends and family feel like the reason we ended was because of me, and i take responsibility for most of it– but what they don’t know is what drove me to do that…
ever since we got engaged i could feel you pulling back. like you didn’t love me the same way and that the ring was merely a piece of tape to poorly patch up the cracks in our relationship– but jay, as much as it hurts to say it, i think you only proposed because you could see that our relationship was reaching its last leg and maybe you hoped that marriage would save it– and i thought it would too… but we both know that the longer we were together the less love we had for each other.
i loved you so much and i know you loved me too but i just couldn’t shake this feeling that you didn’t love me the same way anymore and as much as it hurt me i had to make that decision because… i just– i didn’t feel loved anymore.
no matter how hard you tried to tell me that you did and showed me you loved me with dates and gifts and trips… there was an emptiness there that only got bigger and bigger until it inevitably turned into a gap between us.”
you originally walked in there thinking you would break under jay’s gaze, that seeing him after so long would have you in tears– and at some point you did cry, but right now, you felt nothing of sorrow. like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders that you didn’t know how to relieve.
and all you had to do was come to terms that maybe you weren’t the one to blame for feeling unloved and that feeling was simply because someone has chosen to stop loving you and it wasn’t your fault.
do you regret breaking up?
“no..” you said, a quick and sharp answer as the tears once in your eyes seem to have dried up as you look directly into jay’s eyes. his gaze slightly wavering at the change in your demeanor; like you had arrived upon an epiphany; and soon guilt would eat at him.
“i wish things were different..” jay answered, causing you to scoff at his deflection. “answer the question..” you said bitterly, cutting off the producer who was about to ask his next question. “do you regret breaking up?” you repeated the question back to him, testing him to see if he’d lie for the cameras similar to how he has seemed to have come onto the set with a facade of some sort to make it seem like you were the root of the problem when in fact, you were the only one watering.
“no. no, i don’t.” jay simply says, a small smile tugging onto your lips. not one of pleasure, moreso, mischief.
if you could, would you get back together?
“no, i think we’re in different parts of our lives now; but i think we could become friends again..” jay answers and you’ve grown tired of his answers. like they were rehearsed scripts that he had come up with to paint this picture of how your relationship was when in reality, it was the opposite.
he made it seem like you were going through this internal battle and constantly needed to be coddled by him when in reality, jay would have bouts of altered behavior where it seemed like you were so hard to love. like it was a chore to him to love you and when you started to notice that, any normal person would start to recoil; as if they were the issue. and jay knew that.
your behavior towards the end of your relationship was merely a reaction to jay’s actions.
“i wouldn’t want to either, because i don’t think i could go back to someone who promised that he loved me but constantly made me feel unloved.” bitterness on your tongue as those words left your lips and you could’ve sworn you heard some of the crew sneer and gasp at your response.
jay looked at you with wide eyes, like your words were a rude awakening for him as he himself realized at the same time as you did, that you knew it wasn’t your fault.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
jay ran after you once the crew had given you both the clear to leave, there were a lot of things going on in your mind, as it usually does, but right now a lot of it was anger. you couldn’t believe that after seeing jay after all these years and being with him for even longer, that he would try to play you in your face in front of these cameras.
like he saw an opportunity and tried to start some smear campaign against you because he knew how vulnerable this was going to be for you.
“yn, wait!” he shouts as you’re storming out of the set, “what? jay? what else do you have to say to me? are you going to try to tell me that it’s my fault again? i already know that’s how you feel but i refuse to continue to let you make me feel that way.” you spoke with a type of anger in your voice that he’s never heard before. the type of anger that came from betrayal partnered with anguish.
“no– it’s just.. fuck, i don’t know, ok?” jay’s chest was rising and falling quite fast after running after you, you took a few steps forward, looking jay directly in the eye; looking for something that reminded you of the jay that you had fallen in love with and dreamt of marrying– but all you could see was the jay that dreaded to be with you.
the jay that would release a sigh of exhaustion whenever you asked if he was okay.
the jay that would try to make it seem like everything between you was perfect in front of your friends and families when at home the two of you barely spoke.
the jay that didn’t love you anymore.
“i mean this.. with every fiber in my body. i’m done feeling like i was the reason we didn’t work out because i made the decision that you were too much of a coward to face. you and i both know that i wasn’t the only one to blame but if it helps you sleep at night to think that, then go right ahead.
because from now on, i’m going to bed at night knowing the truth while you try to convince yourself that whatever deluded and false reality you want to live in is the truth.
goodbye, for good.”
and with that you walked away, sunoo had arrived in the middle of this argument and watched the two of you have a standoff, ultimately leaving jay speechless as he watched you climb into sunoo’s car. a narrowed glare on sunoo’s face as he looks at jay.
“everything okay?” sunoo asks, afraid of how things turned out as he could tell you were upset. you took some time to steady your breathing before answering sunoo, you couldn’t even be upset at him for doing this because it brought you to a revelation you so desperately needed to find. you spent the whole car ride telling sunoo of what happened, tears falling as you retold the events of the filming, and sunoo felt incredibly bad that you had to face that.
you told him it was fine and that you were somewhat grateful for it because you finally got the answers you wanted after years of feeling like you were the problem when you really weren’t.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
“are you ready?” sunoo asked as he looked at you in the grand mirror you were currently sitting in front of. you looked over at him in the reflection, eyes wide and a nervous but excited smile on your face. you didn’t think you’d ever be here but here you were now, hair and makeup done to a point of beauty and grace, your body adorned with pearlescent and ivory fabric, and a veil flowing behind you.
“i can’t believe i’m getting married.” you told sunoo as you stood up from your seat, making your way to the entrance of the ceremony.
if you told yourself that two years after recording that video with your ex-fiance that you would find the love of your life and would soon be walking down the aisle to marry him, you’d tell yourself that it was a lie and go back to crying over jay.
but right now; it was everything you could dream of and none of it was a dream. it was a life that you were now living and so happy to be in. like all that pain and waiting was worth it and you’ve found the one.
this boy that you were now marrying knew you from inside and out and had no problem waiting for you. he was patient and kind, and knew how to care for you without coddling you. he understood you on a level that taught you new things about yourself and most importantly–
he didn’t make you wait.
he was always ready for you, ready to shower you with love and everything you deserve; showing you the type of love that you craved and undoing all of the mistakes that you had made that has caused you to build an unbreakable wall around yourself.
although you still had a lot of pain to heal from; he’d be there for you every step of the way, holding your hand and not only watching you heal, but being a part of that healing. a person who loved you for your flaws and encouraged you to be the person you wanted to be not the person he thought you should be.
a type of love that knows no bounds and flourishes between two people.
★ 𝓲。boyf!hee est. rl fluff ─── kissing skinship petnames
( 6OO ) his clothes on you 𝖽𝗋𝗂𝗏𝖾 him crazy.
嘉 ܃ hi .. i hope you like this one as well 💌
reblogs ♡ feedbacks please + daily
heeseung scratches his navel, eyes mostly closed, when he steps into the kitchen. he freezes at the blessed sight in front of him.
he thanks whatever deity is blessing him right now. he would sell his blood to wake up to sights similar to this everyday.
because, dear god. one look at you standing at the counter with your back to him, messy hair, barefoot, and wearing sweatpants and a jersey. his sweatpants. his jersey with his godforsaken name written on it.
in big, bold, and dark blue, ‘heeseung’ runs across the soft back of your shoulders on the white, gentle fabric of the jersey, taking up the entire top-half of your back.
your boyfriend is much taller than you, and more muscular. therefore, the big clothing piece hangs, heeseung’s name drips on the edge like a sort of banner.
this is how it should be worn. it’s the only time that the jersey has been worn properly since he got it a few months ago. it didn’t have any purpose until then— and he wants it’s purpose to be to drape over your body and brand his name. to how he is yours, how you are his.
“baby,” heeseung murmurs, lips brushing the skin on the back of your bare neck.
he places a light kiss on your newly revealed skin after he noses the collar down. he breathes in your scent, he assumes you took a shower while he was asleep, because you smell like your body soap and shampoo.
you smell beyond delicious.
he hums, “good morning, baby.”
you chuckle, leaning onto his touch as you answer; “good morning, hee.”
your voice is too angelic, heeseung is not completely sure of whether he is awake or not. he decides to step closer to your body, placing another kiss on your skin. the slight shudder that runs through your body is heavenly.
his voice is raspy whereupon he speaks again, with barely controlled wanting in his tone, “what are you wearing?”
“ah, i stumbled over these in your closet after i took my shower so i put them on,” you tell him with a smile. “i hope that’s okay.”
the man hums again, leaning in to kiss peck your cheek. “they look good on you, baby.”
your laugh makes your shoulders vibrate. after pausing in your stirring, you shoot him an incredulous look.
“it’s just your clothes, hee,” you tell him before focusing back on your stirring.
however, before you can start doing it again— his hands move on your waist, squeeze it slightly before turning you around.
he doesn’t say anything. only his eyes lingers on your face, drags down your figure, his smirk growing wider as he does so.
it isn’t anyone’s fault. you can’t control the blush that creeps on your face and he can’t stop himself from kissing you when he sees the rosy taint getting brighter as he stares.
he wraps his arms around you and mumbles against your mouth, “you look good, baby,” before aiming for your neck.
“hee,” is all you are capable of saying, barely above a whisper, hiding your face in his shoulder. this a fate you can accept; heeseung kissing the crook of your neck as you wrap your arms around his broad shoulders.
heeseung leaves pecks all over your skin. from your neck to your cheek, he kisses your lips multiple times, messily humming, “you’re so pretty, my girl, you drive me crazy.”
synopsis: after a one night stand leaves you with a lasting memory of the boy you left behind in the name of your daughter, heejin. you finally decide that it was time to move back home to south korea after living abroad for the last 5 years. reuniting with your old friends was everything you could've wished for as they welcomed you and your daughter; but you don't think you could ever prepare yourself to face the father of your child.
warnings: profanity, kissing, suggestive, mentions of hooking up/one night stands, drinking, characters are in their late 20s, absent father!heeseung (but its not his fault) implying that they didn't use a condom (wrap it up!!), overall 18+
genre: single mom!reader x heeseung, old friends to lovers, kind of exes to lovers, one night stand, angst, romance, drama, hurt/comfort, slow burn-ish
wc: 16558 (idk what happened i swear i blanked out writing this)
hoonieyun notes: she's finally here djfkd it took so long to finish this because i didn't want to rush it and feel like i just had to get it done to get it done. i really hope you all enjoyed this piece of work, i loved writing it and i just want to say: happy valentine's day!! you are all so deserving to be loved and surrounded by those who love you <3
the days of being in seoul, south korea felt just like yesterday when you were a college student awake at 3am eating a hot bowl of ramen after a long night of studying. ramen was your favorite thing back then but as you’ve gotten older, the days of being a broke college student turned into meticulous routine based days where all your focus went to raising your daughter, heejin.
ramen was your favorite, past tense.
you cut the habit of eating ramen so often because you needed to choose healthier options for yourself, setting an example for your daughter that although convenient and inexpensive, eating instant ramen so often wasn’t the healthiest for you.
even though you were her mom, your daughter taught you a lot and you were constantly learning as you grew together. she taught you new habits that made living better like learning to take it easy and lounging around the house with your favorite snacks while watching your favorite show was the best way to clear your head and relax.
you also learned that your previous lifestyle of putting others over yourself was something that would stay with you as you’d do anything for your daughter even if it meant that you sacrifice things that are meant for you if it means that your daughter would have what she wanted.
the air when stepping outside of the airport is crisp, the snow has melted into a thin layer of water coating the ground and it’s slightly cold but nothing a puffer coat couldn’t fix. you looked over to your daughter who was fiddling with the zipper on her own puffer coat, “bambi, you have to keep your jacket on or you’ll get sick.” you softly tell your daughter as you crouch down to her level, zipping her coat back up and adjusting the hood of her hoodie that she had layered under. she pouts to herself but ultimately knows better than to argue because she knows mom is right and because she hates being sick.
when heejin was 4 years old, she had gotten a cold for the first time and although she enjoyed being at home cuddled up under a fuzzy blanket with her favorite plush toy; she hated having a runny nose and being forced to take the yucky medicine, her words not yours– although you agree.
your phone rings and karina’s contact photo lights up on the screen, “hi, yn! i’m here, what pick-up area are you at?” she asks on the other end of the phone, slightly louder than usual so you assume she’s yelling into her car’s built in phone call feature to avoid having to drive with her phone in her hand. you tell her that you’re at arrivals 12 and soon enough you can see karina driving up to you and heejin in her silver suv. karina is your best friend, sister even, you have known each other since you were little, even though she was only a few months older than you she was often that older sister you never had, guiding you through new experiences together and you just wished that when you grew up together, you realized sooner that she was also navigating those new experiences alongside you.
“yn!! it’s been so long!!!” karina cheers as she steps out of her car, rounding the vehicle to give you a warm hug, rocking the two of you side to side as you wrap your own arms around her. “been too long.” she says, emphasizing the words like you were away for a long time. in a lot of ways you were. 5 years is a lot of time away from someone but to you those 5 years went by so much faster.
“is this heejin?” she asks, crouching down to your daughter so she can greet the child. “hi heejin, im aunt karina but you can call me rina, ok?” she says, softly shaking heejin’s small hand with two fingers. “hi auntie rina!” heejin says happily, throwing her hands into the air with a smile.
your daughter was probably the most cheerful and joyful child you’ve ever met. she never threw fits, rarely cried after the age of 2, and was very social with strangers. flashing her cute smile that would instantly melt stranger’s hearts garnering you a, “such a cute baby!” every time they’d see her.
karina stands back up straight and helps you pack your luggage into her trunk, “is this all you brought?” she asks and you explain that you didn’t want to pack too many things because moving with a lot of belongings would make it difficult. you had only flown with 4 suitcases and had 2 boxes shipped over from your old home. opting to only take what truly was important and other material things could simply just be repurchased.
you and karina share another hug before strapping your daughter into her carseat and taking a seat into the passenger side of the car. you and karina catch up like no time has passed, acting like you two were only separated for a few days when in reality it was 5 years. of course the two of you spoke on the phone every now and then while you were abroad but the time difference interfered.
“how was seattle? do you miss it already?” she asks and you have to think about the question. do you miss seattle? or were you happy to be back.
“i'm not sure to be honest. i don’t think ive been away long enough to miss it yet.” you simply say and she nods, “well i know you must’ve seoul. i know we missed you.” she says, glancing over to you
you smile at her remark and tell her that you’ve missed korea and her a lot. those 5 years in seattle went by fast because of your daughter but being away from all of your friends and even your parents was tough. you stayed with your aunt and uncle who lived in seattle who so kindly opened their home for you and 2 years after giving birth to heejin, you had enough saved up to get the two of you a small but perfect 1 bedroom apartment. it was enough for the two of you but to your daughter it was like she was living in a castle; and that’s all that mattered– knowing your daughter was happy.
“you ok?” karina asks and you’re brought back to reality. “yeah, just reminiscing i guess.” you respond and karina chuckles.
“don’t tell me you’re already thinking about going back? you can’t leave just yet, i’m not letting you go.” karina retorts and the two of you burst out into laughter. you reassure her that you weren’t going to leave korea any time soon and that you’d have ample amount of time together to catch up and make so many more memories.
“plus, i’ve got 5 years to catch up with my favorite niece. right, heejin?” she asks, looking over to your daughter in the rearview mirror. “yes aunty rina!” heejin says cheerfully. you laugh at them both and give karina a funny look, “she’s your only niece dude.” you say and karina shrugs, “and? she’s still my favorite!”.
the rest of the car ride is filled with more chit chatting and laughing, happy that the two of you are finally reunited and that you weren’t separated by thousands of miles. soon enough karina is pulling up to your home and she’s quite impressed. while living in the states you had saved enough money to purchase a beautiful home here in seoul.
it’s not the biggest but it has everything you need for you and your daughter. it has 2 rooms and 2 bathrooms, an office space for your work, a big living room with enough space for your daughter to run around in and a backyard for the same reasons. you were happy to have gotten to this point in your life and you were so happy to have a life like this with your daughter.
karina doesn’t stay long after dropping you off, only staying to help you bring in your things, and do a small tour of your home. “i promise i’ll come back tomorrow! i’ve just got some things i need to finish for work.” she explains and you let her know that it’s fine and thank her endlessly for picking up you and your daughter from the airport. you and heejin wave her goodbye as she drives away.
you walk back inside still carrying heejin on your hip. “alright, bambi. it’s just you and me, and our new home.” you say softly and heejin smiles at you.
“just you and me mama!” she says and it makes you smile as you nuzzle your nose with hers.
⋆˚ʚɞ
the next few days are filled with unpacking boxes, waiting for deliveries of furniture and food, and exploring the neighborhood and town. your car was delivered on your 2nd day back in seoul so thankfully you didn’t have to wait around at home or feel guilty of asking karina to drive you around places since she had her own fair share of responsibilities.
your other friends have asked you when they could come visit, especially your cousin; jay– who said, “i can’t believe you let karina see my niece and she’s not even blood!” when he found out karina met your daughter before your cousin.
karina was like your sister but jay was actually blood. jay is your cousin on your mom’s side and you had stayed with his parents while living in seattle until you were able to get a place of your own. he’s a few years younger than you but he was always the wiser of the two of you; he was like the angel on the shoulder of life while you were the devil– however you weren’t evil… just chaotic.
you, jay, and karina all grew up together so you all had a bond that's unbreakable. people often made comments about how jay was the gentleman he is because of all the women he grew up around and you’d agree. he was the kindest and most mature boy you know and even when he loosened up a bit and got chaotic like you, he was always the level-headed and mature jongseong at the end of the day.
when you would sneak out with boys in high school, jay would cover for you.
when you got in trouble for getting a C- on your chemistry exam, jay vouched for you and said that the chemistry teacher at your high school was sexist and punished all the girls in the class.
when you found out you were pregnant, jay was the first person you called and was right by your side every step of the way up until you were boarding the plane to seattle.
jay was your rock and you wished he was your brother but a cousin would suffice just as long as he was always there for you.
you’re about 90% moving into your new home, the last thing that needs to be completed was just tossing out all of the trash and recycling that has accumulated from all of the items you bought or takeout that you’ve been getting so you didn’t have to worry about cooking for the first week of moving back.
you’ve invited jay over for dinner after he’s insisted on cooking dinner for you and your daughter, claiming that he wants to make a good impression on his niece so he wasn’t necessarily going to take no as an answer, and honestly– a home cooked meal by jay sounded nice. he was a great cook, excellent even, you? not so much.
you knew how to cook a variety of things but most of it was out of convenience so that you weren’t always eating takeout. your daughter was simple when it came to her taste buds and favorite foods, 80% of the time she just wants to eat chicken and thankfully she doesn’t complain much about having to eat vegetables. however, never brussel sprouts. she hates brussel sprouts.
it’s around 5PM when you’ve finished putting all of your trash bags outside, giving you just a half hour to freshen up your daughter and you before jay would be arriving. he felt apologetic for not being able to help you move in but you told him that he had nothing to feel sorry for and that you knew he had a busy schedule ever since he took over his dad’s company at the beginning of the year. jay’s dad owned a construction company in seoul and although jay had different passions like music and fashion, he was the type of child to never refuse his parent’s wishes and eventually accepted that he would become the owner when he grew up so there was no point in arguing with his dad.
he was an only child so it was hard not to feel bad for him and see that he had so many things he wanted to do for his life but was often shortsighted and left responsible for whatever his parents wanted because he was their only child.
that was probably why you often felt like you needed to bring jay out of shell and loosen up a bit. being so caught up with the responsibilities he had at home, you wanted to make sure that he still had fun as a teenager because his life as an adult was already planned out for him.
when jay turned 16 you spent all of your christmas money on a guitar he had been talking about for months. jay rarely cried but you remember the pure joy and gratitude in his eyes when he unwrapped the box and saw the familiar leather case he had seen so many times at the guitar shop. you swore you could see his eyes glow from excitement when he unclasped the guitar case and finally saw the instrument on the inside. the fender eric clapton stratocaster electric guitar shined onto his face and you’d never forget the smile on his face as he set aside the guitar next to him so he could get up and give you a hug. telling you how grateful he was and that no one would know how much that gift meant to him besides you.
after changing yourself and your daughter into a fresh pair of clothes, jay was ringing your doorbell. he barely greets you when you answer the door, placing the bags of ingredients into your arms when you open them for a hug and instead he runs into your home to scoop up his niece into his arms.
“jinjin!” jay says as he carries her above his head. a nickname they both came up with whenever they’d facetime.
“uncle jayjay!” she says, giggling at him as he gently tossed her into the air and hugged each other. “yeah i’m here too y’know!” you say, narrowing your eyes at your cousin as you put the bag of groceries down onto your kitchen counter.
“yn-ieee!!” jay says, setting your daughter down onto the counter next to the groceries and giving you a hug of your own. “been so long cousin!” he says and you hum in agreement.
“well it’s not like you couldn’t come visit me in seattle!” you say teasingly and jay rolls his eyes, “oh, please! you wouldn’t even let me no matter how hard i tried– plus you know how busy i got after dad passed over the company.” he says and although he didn’t mean it in that way, you felt a slight tinge of guilt.
“i know, i know jong, just teasing. i missed you.” you say, hugging him again but this time ruffling his hair like you used to do when you were younger.
“so what’s on the menu today, chef?” you ask as you help him unpack the groceries.
“yeah, uncle. jinjin hungry!” your daughter says and you and your cousin laugh at your daughter’s remark. as she’s gotten older and has begun watching toddler shows, she’s picked up on their habits of speaking in 3rd person.
“well, jinjin. uncle jayjay is going to make you ravioli and meatballs. sound good?” he asks, staring at your daughter with a box of ravioli pasta in his hand.
“ravioli?” she asks and jay nods.
“right, you’re 5; you don’t know what that is.” he mutters and you just chuckle.
“come on, heejin. why don’t we set up the table while uncle cooks, hmm?” you ask and she nods eagerly– always excited to be a part of the activity in some way or another just as long as she’s included.
“i want the pink plate!” heejin says as she raises her arms so you could pick her up off the counter and set her on the ground. while you and heejin were at ikea shopping for home supplies, she saw a pink plate with the face of a pig on the top and the tail on the bottom and just had to have it. and honestly, your daughter looked so cute looking at it that you couldn’t say no. as a matter of fact, the plate wasn’t even very expensive and it was cute so it wasn’t a hard decision to say yes.
jay doesn’t take long to finish cooking dinner; knowing to choose something quick and easy to make so that he could feed the two of you and so he could have ample time to hang out with his niece.
needless to say, heejin loved the ravioli and was completely baffled at how they got the cheese inside of the pasta– constantly asking jay how they did it as if it was some sort of magical spell to create a ravioli.
after dinner is over and your daughter insists on dessert, the three of you enjoy some ice cream even though it’s still winter and with jay’s help in convincing you because “ice cream tastes good in every season”. you offered to wash the dishes since jay cooked you dinner and although he insisted on washing the dishes, you told him that it was okay since he could spend more time with his niece instead– to which he didn’t argue.
the rest of the night was filled with giggles as jay got to hang out with his niece outside of a phone screen. learning so much about her and how similar he was to you. he even got the opportunity to put her to bed when she got sleepy after watching bambi, her favorite movie.
“bambi, huh?” he asks after the two of you quietly slip out of her bedroom.
“yes… bambi. it’s her favorite movie so i nicknamed her bambi…” you respond, trying to avoid his stare.
“no other reason?” he asks and you shoot him a glare. “alright alright. i’ll drop it. it’s a cute nickname anyway.” he confesses and you mutter a small thank you, thankful that he’s not prying any longer.
“i know, she’s cute like a baby deer, what can i say?”
you and jay find your way into the kitchen, putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and beginning a new topic of conversation.
“does everyone know you’re back?” jay asks genuinely, not intending to allude to a certain person from your past.
“yeah, karina and ningning know. i spoke to jake and hoon yesterday and i told them i’d come up with a day they could all come over for dinner.” you explain.
you had a close friend group going into college. you, karina, and jay all grew up together and early during college you had met ningning, jake, sunghoon, and another… friend.
the seven of you were inseparable and were always together despite having completely different college majors. you, ningning, and karina all moved in together for the last half of your college career while the guys did the same. you’re all older now and have all of your own lives but most of them kept in touch with you after you decided to move away all of a sudden.
opting to not ask questions out of respect but always making sure to check up on you every once in a while.
“should i reopen the groupchat? haven’t seen the silly seven back together in a while.” and just as fast as the words leave his mouth, jay regrets it just as fast. he notices you tense up a bit as you’re putting some dishes away into the cupboard and he realizes he’s made a mistake bringing up your original seven friend group. a certain member becomes a tainted memory inside of your heart that you wished to not remember but are forced to remember in the most endearing and loving way.
someone you wished you could leave in the past but you’re glad you chose not to as the memory continues to live through your daughter.
“um, i’ll let you know. i’ve got some things i need to finish up before i start reuniting fully with everyone– plus i still need to get heejin caught up on all of her medical stuff for school so…” you begin to say and jay catches on.
“ahh, don’t worry about it! just got a bit excited to see everyone back together again. i’ll look forward to it when it comes.” jay says, softly rubbing your back and offering you a smile that you return.
“thanks jay…” you mutter quietly as you try to avoid his gaze.
⋆˚ʚɞ
after three weeks of being back home in korea, you’ve finally gotten somewhat of a routine down as you’ve settled into your new home and neighborhood. you’ve got pretty accustomed to being back in korea and although it’s only been five years since the last time you were here; a lot has changed within those five years.
you’d wake up on weekdays around 6am to get your day started, making breakfast and your daughter's school lunch before you woke her up at 7am to get her ready for school. she hadn’t started school yet back in the states so you wanted to ensure that you enrolled her into school once you had settled into your home.
she was surprisingly excited to start school and make new friends. her favorite part of kindergarten so far was break time when she and her classmates would spend 30 minutes a day at the playground. she’d come home with unruly hair opposite of the sleek bun or pigtails she had previously had when you dropped her off.
when your daughter was at school you’d spend the day cleaning around the home, finishing up the last parts of your move that had to do with papers and legal stuff, and would spend the rest of the time before your daughter got off school to run errands like going to the market or getting used to driving around your neighborhood.
it's about an hour before your daughter is off of school so you decide to quickly freshen up before heading over to pick her up.
today, you had plans to have an early dinner with karina as you hadn’t seen her since you had gotten there so it was due time to catch up now that you’ve settled in for the most part.
⋆˚ʚɞ
“where are we going, mama?” heejin asks as you help her into her car seat. “getting dinner with auntie rina, remember?” you remind your daughter and she cheers, excited that she gets to see her auntie rina again.
“why are we eating early? i want chicken!” she says and you just chuckle at her. “ok, i’ll get you chicken, ok?” you say, kissing your thumb and putting it towards her and your daughter does the same, connecting your thumbs, at the same time the two of you turn your hands 180 degrees with your thumbs pointing downwards so that your hands make the shape of a heart.
it was a small gesture the two of you did, a small way to be connected with your daughter through a special handshake between mother and daughter.
⋆˚ʚɞ
dinner was filled with laughter as you watched your daughter and karina bond over chicken, your daughter having the time of her life with all of the different flavors of chicken; her favorite being the cheese flavored one.
“so, when are we getting the gang back together?” karina asks as she places another piece of chicken on heejin’s plate, the both of you watching your daughter pick up the piece of chicken and munch on it like her life depended on it. you tried to tiptoe around her question, afraid that it would only lead to the inevitable that you were constantly postponing.
karina waves her hand in front of your face as she realizes you’ve somewhat spaced out and reiterates her question, “um.. i’m not sure. i really want to see everyone but you know..” your voice getting quiet at the end of your sentence as you realize only jay, your cousin, knew who heejin’s father was.
your friends knew of your longtime crush on heeseung when you were all in college and all somewhat knew that you’ve avoided him because of some reason that you haven’t told them. there were theories amongst the friends of why you no longer spoke to heeseung but only jay knew the reason. your friends didn’t want to pry but curiosity always filled their minds whenever they would think about you or see the photos you posted online of you and your daughter. with all of the theories they came up with, no one seemed to put together the most obvious reason and you’d rather keep that way.
it wasn’t that you didn’t want any of them to know, you just weren’t ready for them to know and aren’t entirely sure when you’d be ready. karina noticed your shift in behavior with her question and chose to ask any more questions. the rest of the dinner was karina giving you suggestions on things you and your daughter could do like activities, sports and extracurriculars, and whatnot.
“i’ll see you soon, ok?” karina says while giving your daughter a warm hug. the two of you bid each other goodbye and go your separate ways. karina’s question weighs on your mind heavily as you drive home, thinking about how long you could keep this a secret from your friends and also hide the fact that you were back in town from heeseung who just seemed to constantly be on your mind since you’ve arrived back in korea.
a part of you wanted to see him, you missed him so much, the way he made you laugh, the way he knew you so well that he used to always bring you breakfast during your 8am lectures because you loved to sleep in until the last minute so you never ate breakfast, the way he knew when you were sad, the way he knew you were uncomfortable, everything.
he knew you so well but that night, that unfortunate night, it seemed that he was the person that knew you the least in the world.
⋆˚ʚɞ
a few days after your dinner with karina and some encouragement from jay, you finally decided to send out invites to all of your friends to come over for dinner. your place was getting to a point where it was feeling like home and you wanted your daughter to meet some of the most important people in your life. you obviously weren’t going to invite heeseung but you thought about it and you quickly found yourself shutting down that idea.
“hi guys! please let me know if you’re free this saturday around 6pm! i’d love for all of you to come over for dinner and meet heejin! if it’s okay could you all bring a small dish? heejin isn’t picky but she is allergic to fish so keep that in mind. she’s very excited to meet her uncles and aunties!”
karina: i’m always free for you!
minjeong: i’ll bring the chicken hehe
jake: lets goo!! can’t wait to meet little yn!
sunghoon: i already know i’m gonna be her favorite uncle
jay: yeah right i’m her favorite already, nice try bro
all of their responses made you smile and for once you weren’t stricken with the anxiety of the past and how all of this could crumble down onto you– but you were dedicated to not letting that happen. you missed your friends dearly and being surrounded by your loved ones you haven’t seen in years was long overdue.
⋆˚ʚɞ
friday rolls around a lot sooner than you expected, which you didn’t mind because it was all you were looking forward to after spending the weekdays trying your best not to spiral. you were constantly thinking about what would happen if they brought up heeseung or if he miraculously showed up unannounced and uninvited. you made several dishes as the main course and set up your kitchen so that everyone could eat buffet style.
there were rolls of kimbap that your daughter helped you prepare, tofu stew simmering low on the stove to keep it warm, and other food that you knew your friends and your daughter loved.
as the day went by and the time that your friends would all slowly start arriving would come, you noticed that heejin seemed to be antsy. like something was bothering her, she was constantly squirming around unable to find a comfortable seat at the dinner table, the couch, or even her favorite bean bag chair designed to look like a peach. she was fidgeting with the hem of her dress so much to the point that she had pulled a loose thread, causing the dress to tear. you were more worried than upset, it was just a piece of fabric it didn’t matter if it broke, although you did keep a mental note not to buy from that store again; so you sat her down to talk about it.
“bambi.. what’s wrong?” you asked her as you helped her change into new clothes, something she had chosen and although it was more casual than the previous attire she had on; she was way more comfortable in it. she shook her head with a pout, indicating she either didn’t want to talk about it or that there wasn’t anything wrong– and considering her actions moments ago, it was the latter.
“you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong but just know mommy is here for you ok? i don’t want my little bambi to be sad or upset and feel like she can’t talk to mom about her problems..” you told her softly, fixing her hair as it had gotten slightly messed up while you dressed your daughter. heejin was everything to you, she was your life and blood, she was your light and you’d be damned if you ever made your daughter feel like she couldn’t fully be herself or come to her own mother to help her fix her problems.
even though heejin was still young, you made sure to make an emphasis on communication with your daughter, teaching her to articulate her feelings and emotions in a way that was healthy to her and those around her– and for the most part, she did that. she often told you if she was uncomfortable or if she was feeling upset about something as small as her socks making her feel itchy– but right now; she wasn’t communicating to you why she was acting the way she was and it left you stumped.
you weren’t necessarily sure how to go about it. you didn’t want to pressure your daughter to tell you what was wrong but the mother inside of you couldn’t continue without knowing what was bothering your daughter and how you could alleviate her troubles. “are you ok, heejin?” you ask and she once again shakes her head.
“can you tell mom what’s bothering you?” you asked, lightly patting your daughter's head as you finished doing her hair.
she looks up at you with her big doe eyes and for a second you see the uncanny resemblance of her and her father. “mama, who is my dad?” the question comes as a shock to you because although she had asked before, she’s never let the absence of her father trouble her the way it has now. your mouth slightly opens at her question but you quickly recollect yourself so she doesn’t notice your demeanor falter, afraid that your expression could cause her more worry if she was to realize how you reacted to her question.
you so desperately wanted to comfort your daughter, tell her everything you knew about her father and how he lived only miles away; but you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. it may seem selfish, and it was, but you simply weren’t ready to have that conversation with your daughter. even if it broke your heart to see her pleading eyes begging you for a single crumb of information on her dad, you couldn’t do it. it caused you an immense amount of pain to deny your daughter something she seemed to want so badly.
“bambi, why the sudden interest?” you ask and she goes on to explain that when she was waiting to get picked up from school that day, she saw all of her classmates getting picked up by their dads and it got her thinking of her own, more specifically, the absence of her own father.
your heart broke even more at her words but you chose to give her the answer that you’ve given her several other times she asked in the past.
“bambi, your papa may not be here but he’s always in your heart, ok?” and you were glad that it provided her some form of comfort because it seemed like she knew you were going to say that so she closed her eyes and gently placed her small hand over her heart. it was moments like this that made you question yourself as a mother. denying your daughter from someone who was half of her all because of your own selfish intention and pain that you aren’t able to heal from.
the two of you share another tender moment as you engulf your daughter into your arms for a warm embrace and try your best to get her to smile, which was fairly easy as your daughter was very ticklish.
just in time, your doorbell rings indicating that some of your friends have arrived so you decide to carry your daughter to your front door to greet everyone. you gently rub her back to further soothe her worries, hoping that the emotional and vulnerable moment the two of you just shared didn’t cause her anymore worries despite the fact that she still had that longing look in her eyes. waiting for the day she could get the answer she was looking for and the day she’d get to meet her dad.
⋆˚ʚɞ
you’re carrying your daughter in your arms as you open the door to welcome your friends and all of their eyes light up at the sight of you and your daughter. one by one they file inside of your home with a dish in their hands, greeting you and heejin with bright warm smiles. you return with a smile of your own as heejin waves at the strangers entering your home who she will grow to learn are the aunts and uncles that would love her and support her as she grows older.
once everyone has gotten inside, you point to where they could all settle the dishes they brought and soon enough you’re setting heejin down to introduce her to everyone.
“heejin, you know auntie karina and uncle jay, right?” you ask her while you crouch down to her, she nods her head in agreement, slightly shy as she still doesn’t know the several other people in the room.
“this is uncle jake, he has a really big puppy, you like puppies right?” and once again she’s nodding but this time with a smile as she gets excited at the mention of a dog. when heejin started to learn how to speak, one of the first words she spoke was “dog” and would later on constantly ask you to get her dog when she learned how to form full sentences.
“heejin, i’ll introduce you to my dog, ok?” jake says with a smile and she cheers, happy that she finally gets to play with a dog since you wouldn’t let her get one of her own.
“this one is auntie minjeong, can you say hi to her?” you ask and heejin shyly waves her hand and when minjeong waves back and asks if she can have a high five, heejin gives her one excitedly as you’ve taught her that high fives were a gesture of encouragement and sharing a high five with a friend was a good thing so she instantly felt happy when minjeong asked for one, already identifying her auntie minjeong as a friend.
lastly, you point to sunghoon, “that’s uncle sunghoon, you like the snow right? uncle sunghoon is really good at ice skating.” you explain and her eyes and mouth widen at the thought of ice skating. “ice skating? do you make snow angels?” she asks and it causes the lot of you to laugh; to which sunghoon nods and tells her that he’ll teach her how to make some of her own.
introductions go very well and heejin is calling everyone auntie and uncle in no time, opening up and breaking out of her shyness once she chats with your best friends some more as she tries all of the food they’ve brought.
“yn, all this food is amazing by the way but you should’ve let us help more or at least bring more food so you didn’t have to cook so much!” minjeong says as she’s putting away her dish into your sink.
“yeah, yn. this is delicious but next time let us take care of all of it okay? we’ll be sure to bring all the food that heejin likes. heejin, what’s your favorite food?” jake asks her and she cutely raises the chicken wing in her hand and shouts chicken and once again the room is filled with laughter because of your daughter’s cuteness. you were so happy to see your daughter being accepted by everyone, not necessarily because you thought they wouldn’t but because for the time that you’ve been gone; you were afraid that this drastic change in your life would affect the dynamic between you and your friends.
but it didn’t.
at least not completely.
jake is slurping on his noodles when he suddenly says, “yo, heeseung brought me these noodles one time; it was so good we should all go some time.” and at the mention of heeseung’s name you’re almost frozen in your spot at the table.
the room is instantly silent when they notice your attitude shift after hearing heeseung’s name. no one besides jay really knows what happened between the two of you and even then you’ve left out certain details from the story because you couldn’t bear to relive the pain from that night just so that someone could fully understand why you did what you did.
sunghoon shoves jake lightly at his careless action and he soon realizes why the room had fallen silent, he glances over at you with an apologetic look followed by a string of apologies, “i’m so sorry, yn. i shouldn’t have brought him up- i wasn’t thinking.” jake says and you shake your head explaining that it was okay and that he had nothing to apologize for.
“it’s fine, jake. he and i just don’t talk anymore.” you leave it at that and everyone chooses not to pry because it was truly none of their business.
before the night ends you all take a group photo with heejin in the middle, you decided to have her sit on your shoulders as your friends crowd around her with warm smiles that could be felt through the photo. you were so happy to see the happiness radiate through the image that you didn’t necessarily care that all of your friends were quick to post that photo, the possibility of heeseung seeing it nowhere in your mind because you were more focused on the love that your friends were giving you and your daughter.
you bid goodbye to your friends but not before you pack them their own little containers with leftovers because it was way more than what you and your daughter could finish alone. heejin happily waved goodbye to her aunties and uncles and had long forgotten about the sad moment the two of you shared before this dinner.
she was so happy to meet them and to her they were all just her friends. your friends are equally as happy to meet your daughter and be a part of her life and yours again.
⋆˚ʚɞ
on the other side of the city, heeseung is scrolling through his social media alone in his bed when he scrolls past the group photo you all took on several accounts. a pang of jealousy budding in his chest as he sees you in the center, happily carrying your daughter on your shoulders.
heeseung couldn’t help but feel left out but all he could think about was why you hadn’t let him know you were back in town after disappearing for the last five years?
so, he does what he thinks is right and opens the groupchat he has with the boys.
“yo, you guys free tomorrow? wanna grab lunch?” heeseung taps into his phone and presses send and in a few minutes, sunghoon, jay, and jake are all responding to heeseung’s text.
they all coordinate a plan to have lunch the next day. heeseung plans to let it come naturally, bring you up as smoothly as he can without coming off like he wanted to hang out with the guys just to find out information about you.
but he knew deep down that he was going to get the information he needed one way or the other.
even if it made him feel crazy because love makes you do crazy things.
⋆˚ʚɞ
when the next day rolls around and heeseung is making his way to lunch, he realizes that his dreams that night were filled with one thing: you.
he dreamt about all the ways he wanted to make up for lost time, he dreamt of past memories, he dreamt of you and he slept soundly knowing that you were so happy in his dreams. only hoping that he could make you as happy in real life like how you were in his dreams.
you were truly the girl of his dreams and now that you were back; he wasn’t going to let you go so easily like last time.
“whats up guys!” heeseung says as he walks over to the guys who had gotten a table for the four of them. they were all browsing the menu when heeseung arrived and they all did their usual greetings, asking how one another was and all of the normal things.
they soon order food and jay could tell that heeseung was a bit antsy, sending glances over to jake and sunghoon with a gesture to look at heeseung and they do; realizing his leg hasn’t stopped bouncing since he sat down and he was chewing on his nails– something that he’s never done in the past.
heeseung could no longer wait, he just had to ask about you even if it made the air between all of them awkward. “so..” he begins and jay cuts him off before he could finish.
“heeseung, i know you’re going to ask about yn.” jay says and heeseung stops in the middle of his sentence, his mouth slightly ajar as those words leave jay’s mouth. he’s shocked that they knew, was he being less subtle than he thought? or was he just that predictable.
heeseung and you were inseparable when you were younger, you couldn’t take one without the other coming along, the true meaning of a package deal. but when you left, heeseung was left with so many questions, none of which could be answered by you as you cut off communication with him completely.
the rest of lunch consists of the guys informing heeseung about you, small details that they thought you’d be comfortable with sharing with heeseung, and although heeseung wanted to learn more; he was happy to learn anything new about you since you’ve been gone for the last five years.
they could tell that heeseung’s love for you never died or diminished in any way possible. when you first left, heeseung was a wreck and if they didn’t think he loved you then; his reaction to you leaving solidified that. he didn’t sleep, he cried almost everyday and he would try to write you letters even when he didn’t have an address to send them to.
it wasn’t until about a year after you had left that heeseung started to somewhat go back to normal. he stopped moping around and he returned to the heeseung all of your friends once knew. but deep down, he and all your friends knew that he would never be the same without you in his life. he threw himself into his work and other priorities to distract himself so he didn’t have to think about you but in the end, it always came back to you.
he’d be walking on the street and would pass by your favorite restaurant and he’d think about you.
a song would play and he’d be reminded about all of the times you two would dance and sing along to it.
he’d see a cloud shaped like an animal in the sky and would remember all of the times you two would spend hours laying on the grass and spotting clouds shaped like whatever your mind could identify it as.
everything he saw reminded him of you and although it hurt him to think about you, thinking about you was the only thing keeping you close to him when you were unknowingly so far away.
when the four of them part ways from lunch, jay pulls heeseung aside for a quick chat before he leaves, “hey, i shouldn’t tell you this but…” jay says, whispering something to heeseung and sending him a text. heeseung’s eyes widen at the text and he’s instantly bringing jay into a hug, thanking him for whatever it was jay had told him.
“yeah, yeah.. don’t make me regret this, she is my cousin; i’ll beat your ass if you fuck this up.” he warns and although he was slightly joking; jay was speaking with some truth because he knew how much all of this affected two people that were so important in his life.
heeseung slept with a smile on his face later that night, not only because he was excited to be able to see you in his dreams again, but also because of what he had planned for tomorrow morning.
⋆˚ʚɞ
“heejin! let’s go, bambi!” you call for your daughter as you slide your shoes on. heejin appears with her backpack dragging behind her, taking a seat next to you so she can put her shoes on to which you help her. you’re about to bring her to school, glancing at the clock near your front door when you realize you’ve only got 20 minutes to get her there.
when you open the door, however, you’re met with a face that you hadn’t prepared yourself to see, at least not for a long time from now.
“heeseung?” you ask as you look at him, standing at your front door with a smile on his face, flowers in his hand, and eyes as bright as they were when the two of you first met.
“hi, yn.. long time no see.” heeseung responds, a sheepish grin on his face as he’s finally able to see you for the first time in five years. “sorry, i need to take heejin to school.” you explain, slightly moving him out of the way to lock the door and make your way to your car.
“let me take you?” he offers and although a part of you wants to deny, you know that heeseung has always been stubborn and that if you were to try to decline; the two of you would just be going back and forth and before you know it, heejin would be late to school.
so, you reluctantly accept his offer; quickly grabbing her carseat from your car and setting her up in the back of heeseung’s car. “mama, who is he?” heejin asks and you explain that he’s just a friend. “how come he didn’t come to dinner?” heejin continues with another question and you answer with something dismissive and tell her he was just busy.
“ready to go? don’t want her to be late.” heeseung says and you look over at him and he’s still got that smile on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing and was happy that you were going along with it. you give him a tight lipped smile as you place a kiss onto heejin’s forehead before taking your seat at the front passenger seat next to heeseung.
in the past whenever you two were in a car it would always be you in the front next to him because he trusted you the most with directions and music but mostly because he loved being able to see you next to him. it was such a simple and innocent thing to be so close to you even if you were just sitting next to him but it never failed to make his heart race whenever you would look over at him, catching him staring at you when he needed to be focusing on the road.
you’d tease him by saying, “eyes on the road” and talk about how you’ll crash if he keeps staring at you and he’d just respond by saying he would never hurt you or do anything that would put you in pain.
heeseung tried to keep that promise and broke it without even knowing that he did.
⋆˚ʚɞ
“bye heejin, have a good day ok?” you send your daughter off to school, watching her small figure skip away as she waves and greets the friends she sees as she walks into school. “she’s adorable.” heeseung says as you turn towards him. a part of you slightly forgetting that he was there because all of your focus was set on your daughter.
“thanks.” you mutter, barely above a whisper.
“wanna grab breakfast? my treat.” heeseung asks, a cheesy grin on his face as if he’s using his smile as a way to convince you to say yes; it worked… just a little bit.
“fine.” you say while rolling your eyes, a part of you only saying yes because you had nothing better to do and he was the one that drove. the car ride was silent, filled with awkward tension as you couldn’t get comfortable in your seat knowing that you haven’t seen heeseung in five years and had no idea where this was going to go. would everything be the way it was before you left? or would it be filled with boiling tension that would eventually blow up.
heeseung was fiddling with the steering wheel, tapping on the leather of the wheel, messing around with the car compartments, and constantly clearing his throat to drown out the silence that was so loud.
“so… how’ve you been?” heeseung asks, slightly looking over at you as if he was suddenly nervous to make eye contact, fearing for how you’d react.
“okay.. yeah i’ve been ok.” keeping your answer short so that you didn’t end up saying more than you wanted. you weren’t sure how comfortable you’d become with heeseung, someone who you once would’ve associated with the word “comfort” now was more closely aligned with “unknown”.
“thats- thats good..” heeseung stutters.
he doesn’t ask any further questions after he’s taken notice that you weren’t inclined for small talk or maybe just talking to him in general. which he couldn’t blame you for, you haven’t seen each other in five years and he understood that things were a lot different than before.
you and heeseung used to be able to talk about anything and everything, whenever one of you or both would be stressed; you’d just talk for hours about anything to distract yourselves from whatever was troubling your minds. one time the two of you had even spent 63 hours on facetime, uninterrupted because you were both away from each other for the first time and couldn’t stand being that far away.
the two of you were only separated for a weekend but it was too long for either of you.
“order anything you want, ok?” heeseung says as he looks at the menu, browsing for what he wants to eat. you mirror his actions but you lift the menu a bit higher to cover your face because you were a bit shy. you didn’t know how to act around heeseung anymore and felt like shielding yourself away from.
“are you two ready to order?” the waitress asks and quickly jots down your order, coming back momentarily to drop off your drinks and returning about 20 minutes later with the food you had ordered. heeseung had ordered ramen for breakfast, it came on a small personal burner so that it remained hot as he ate. you slightly smile to yourself, trying your best to hide it because this habit of heeseung hasn't changed in that aspect.
heeseung always loved ramen, it's his favorite.
you had just gotten rice with some grilled meat and a fried egg, something simple but delicious. heeseung is busy slurping on his noodles when you decide to break the silence, “how did you find me, heeseung?” you ask, causing heeseung to choke a bit on his food at the random question.
he quickly apologizes, grabbing a tissue to wipe his mouth before responding, “oh, yeah about that. don’t be mad but jay told me. it’s not his fault though, i practically begged him.” heeseung says, eye widening as if to prevent you from getting upset that jay had given heeseung your address without permission.
you were a bit upset, especially because jay was the one that knew what happened with everything out of all of the people in your life. you made sure to bring this up to your cousin when you had the chance, keeping in mind that jay would get a piece of your mind about this.
the rest of the breakfast was filled with the same awkward tension as you two ate your food in silence, every once in a while asking each other questions for some small talk but nothing that the two of you talked about did anything to cut through the awkwardness. when you and heeseung finished eating, he kept his word about taking care of the bill, and although you wouldn’t have cared if he didn’t, it was nice because it felt just like old times.
back in college, when you and heeseung were little broke college kids; he always paid no matter what it was. a late night snack? heeseung paid. you were craving boba? heeseung paid. it was your birthday? heeseung paid. even when it wasn’t food, heeseung paid because he loved taking care of you even in small matters like paying for your things.
a sign you should’ve seen sooner that heeseung saw you as more than just a friend.
“thanks for breakfast and dropping off heejin at school. have a good day, heeseung.” you say while exiting his car. you’re startled by heeseung’s sudden action when he shouts when and runs out of the car and around to your side, you give him a confused look from inside of the car as you watch him. heeseung closes your door and reopens it for you, “madam.” he says, while gesturing with his hand and a slight bow.
you couldn’t help but laugh but when heeseung raises his head to look at you, your expression instantly changes because you didn’t want to give heeseung the satisfaction that you found it amusing. you were still upset at heeseung for something of the past and although it’s been harbored inside of you for years on end, you couldn’t help but feel it slowly rising back to the top ever since you had returned to korea.
heeseung walks slowly behind you as you make your way to the front door like a lost puppy and when you get to unlocking your door, he clears his throat, gaining your attention.
“look… i know we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years, but i’m not going to act like it wasn’t the hardest five years of my life. you kind of just disappeared without explanation and when i tried to reach out… i didn’t hear back.
i had even asked our friends and they didn’t have anything to tell me, i mean- i knew jay would’ve known because he’s your cousin but he didn’t tell me anything.
can we please just talk?” heeseung was rambling and you felt bad because you could tell he was a bit anxious and probably rehearsed this in his head.
“yn.. i missed you so much and i tried to practice what i wanted to say to you when i saw you again but i’ve just thrown that all out the window.
say something..? please?” and you could feel yourself slowly falling back into that old familiar place. the one where you could look into heeseung’s eyes and you could tell how he was really feeling even if he tried to mask it with his rambling.
“heeseung, why don’t you come inside and then we can talk… not out here..” you said with a chuckle and heeseung eagerly nods, a smile on his lips at the invitation into your home, a stepping stone back into your life.
you don’t know where this conversation was going earlier and now that it’s almost been two hours since you saw heeseung again, you still didn’t know what to expect.
“can i get you something to drink?” you ask and he lets you know that water is fine so after a few minutes, you return to find heeseung standing in your living room, admiring the photos you framed of yourself and your daughter.
“you guys look so happy.” heeseung comments as he joins you on the couch, setting the two cups of water in front of the two of you. “heeseung.. i don’t know what to say to be honest. there’s a lot i’ve wanted to say to you and over the last five years, i’ve only wanted to say more.
i didn’t mean to disappear i just-”
“then why? why did you leave?” heeseung says, interrupting you and his eyes have transitioned into one that expressed that he was pleading, begging, and waiting for an answer from you. an answer that he had been waiting for since the day you left.
on the other hand, you were too. you had so many questions for heeseung but you knew that you couldn’t get answers without having to answer any of heeseung’s questions. you weren’t sure how to answer heeseung. you wanted to be honest and tell him the full truth but you didn’t even know if you were ready to face that.
it was five years ago but now, sitting in front of heeseung as he looked at you with tears threatening to fall from his eyes, you couldn’t bring yourself to relive those moments where you felt the most alone, unwanted, and misunderstood person in the world.
you stuttered to answer and the longer you thought about the more complicated it became in your head. your breathing started to become heavy and your eyes were constantly blinking. you couldn’t look at heeseung any longer because it made you feel uneasy and nauseous, the anxiety of this moment having built up inside of you for so long that now that it was all happening, it was corroding the stability you had worked so hard to build in your head.
“are you ok, yn?” heeseung asked and his voice sounded muffled to you and as he scooted closer, the image of heeseung in your vision blurred and doubled like he was a mirage. you were starting to get light headed and that was when you knew that you were going to faint, the anxiety had taken over your brain and before you knew it your eyes were fluttering closed and heeseung was catching you in his arms before your body could fall over onto the coffee table.
heeseung catches you instantly when you notice your body start to go limp, rocking back and forth. he wasn’t sure what happened but something must’ve been bothering you so much that you had fainted in his arms. heeseung tries his best to gently position you onto your couch in a comfortable position, moving your legs into place and softly setting your head on the armrest with a pillow propped up under.
he admired your sleeping figure and if it wasn’t for the fact that you had fainted, he probably would’ve found this moment cute. it reminded him of the first time heeseung had realized he liked you more than he thought he did. the two of you had gotten very drunk one night after failing your economics exam and you had a habit of getting sleepy when drinking.
you were in the middle of talking when your head started to get wobbly and your eyelids had become heavy and before you knew it; you were falling asleep next to heeseung; your head softly landing on his shoulder like a makeshift pillow. he found it cute and he still does.
⋆˚ʚɞ five years ago
you had been texting with heeseung all night, he had been going through something and although you wanted to know what it was; you settled on just making him feel better. like a good friend would do. your crush on heeseung has something your friends had known about for a while and although you’ve wanted to confess your feelings to him for a while now, you were too afraid of ruining your friendship and it potentially affecting your whole friend group.
heeseung was currently on his way to your dorm and it was like you were waiting for a blind date. you fidget with the tassel on your throw pillow as you wait for him on your bed, running through the different scenarios in your head of what’s been bothering him.
he was fine the last few days but today something had shifted; heeseung felt like he was carrying something heavy on his mind and it was showing. he had sent you a string of messages that represented someone on the verge of a crash out and all you could do was worry for him, eventually inviting him over so you could talk and find a way to make him feel better.
to which heeseung accepted instantly as if that was what he was waiting for.
after a few minutes, a knock on your door softly echoes throughout your dorm as you’re just about to text heeseung if he was alright. “hee-” you say, getting cut off when heeseung storms into your room, breathing unsteady as if he had run over to you.
“what’s wrong, are you ok?” you ask, worry settled onto your face as you shut the door behind you.
heeseung is standing facing away as he tries to catch his breath, unsure of how to talk to you about what has been weighing on his mind heavily. a reality that he’s finally chosen to come to terms with despite thinking it was all his delusions until recently.
“hee?” you ask again and he whips around to face you, your expression softening when you see that it looks like he hasn’t slept and looks absolutely exhausted. his eyes were red, cheeks a bit sunken, and the shadows around his eyes were more prominent. he looked like he’s so emotionally and physically drained you couldn’t help but rush over to him, cupping his face in worry– rubbing his cheek with your thumb and you could feel heeseung melt into your hand.
his eyes flutter closed as he breathes a sigh of relief; like your touch alone was enough to soothe his mind even though the reason for his distress partially had something to do with you. you guide heeseung to your bed and you can’t help but frown at his appearance, you didn’t know how long this has been going on but it seems that it was enough to reflect on his face.
“hee? are you ok?” you ask and he finally takes a deep breath before responding, “yn.. i just want you to know that i don’t want any of this to change us.. and i hope we’ll be okay after this but-” heeseung begins.
“heeseung you’re scaring me..” you whisper, anxiety building inside of you as heeseung tries to avoid eye contact with you.
“just- please listen.. i don’t want you to think of me any differently after i say this but…
i think i love you.”
and when those five words leave heeseung’s lips, everything goes silent.
you’ve been wanting to hear heeseung say those words for so long, wishing that he would reciprocate your feelings, confess his love to you the way you’ve been too afraid to confess to him, and now that he has; you didn’t know what to do or say.
heeseung was finally able to look into your eyes, looking for an answer because the silence after his confession had him thinking that he shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.
“please, say something..” he whispers, voice trembling like he’d be in tears at any moment.
“hee… i just-” when you try to respond even though you weren’t sure what to say, heeseung brings his hands to your face and brings it closer to his; “please tell me you feel the same way or else i might go insane.” he whispers, his lips just a few inches away from yours.
heeseung’s gaze trails from your eyes down your face and lands to your lips, heeseung absentmindedly licks his own as if it were a physical reaction to seeing yours. “i do heeseung-” you begin but before you could finish your sentence; his lips are on yours.
the dryness of his lips instantly disappears as your two lips dance with his. a kiss that both of you had been longing for since you two have first met, like there was tension between the two of you that could only be relieved with one another. everyone in the room could feel it but neither of you ever wanted to confront that no matter how badly you wanted to.
heeseung pulls away for a moment, allowing the two of you to catch your breath; “i’m sorry, i should’ve asked but i just couldn’t wait any longer..” heeseung murmurs, his bedroom eyes glued onto yours as you try to gather your thoughts. you had been waiting to share this moment with heeseung for so long but for some reason it wasn’t like how you’d dreamt.
“heeseung, this is wrong.. what about your girl-” you’re about to bring up heeseung’s girlfriend but he just shakes his head. “you’re the one i want.. it’s always been you” he says, connecting your lips once again, the kiss being just as passionate and filled with hunger like you’re both deprived of the other.
your dorm was soon filled with you and heeseung’s pleasure, a craving that was finally satisfied after so many years; finally having you in his arms. you never thought this day would come and although you thought that it would never come; you were going to cherish this moment with heeseung.
the next few days felt like a dream. you and heeseung were inseparable and it’s everything you had hoped for when you used to think about how your life would be after confessing to heeseung about how you truly felt.
only for him to confess first, leaving you shocked that he felt the same way.
the conversation after that night in your dorm room was a bit awkward but the two of you quickly learned to laugh it off and move forward with your relationship. you had agreed that you’d keep this between yourselves for now because you were unsure of how it would affect the dynamic of your friend group. you even held off from telling jay, your cousin, who you told everything to.
it was hard for the first few weeks to hide your relationship with heeseung because whenever all of you were together, you wanted nothing more than to hold his hand or sit on his lap, the tension from before being converted to secret longing glances and smiles that you two would try to hide from your friends.
the good lasted for only a few months, until the fateful day that would change your life forever. you had woken up feeling like a ton of bricks had fallen on top of you while you were sleeping. you were fatigued, nauseous, and spent the morning hunched over your toilet as you threw up your dinner from the night before.
you weren’t sure why your body was suddenly feeling unwell so you made a trip to the pharmacy to grab some medicine, browsing the aisles to see what would help with your symptoms, and that was when your eyes landed on the sleek white box towards the end of the shelf.
“pregnancy test: accurate results in just under 10 minutes” it read on the box in bright blue font. there was no way that could be the cause of your distress, you didn’t have sex with anyone else besides.. heeseung… that night.. three months ago.
your mind starts to spiral as you think about the possibility that you could be pregnant with heeseung’s child as that night replays in your head– now just remembering that the idea of a condom was absent from both of your minds as you were both in the heat of the moment, exploring one another’s bodies.
frantically grabbing a few boxes, you make your way to the cash register but are stopped in your tracks when a voice calls out to you; “yn?” and when you turn around it’s heeseung’s ex-girlfriend.
the conversation with her was short but awkward. she just wanted to clear the air, letting you know that she had no animosity towards you or heeseung and that she wished you two the best. which confused you because you certainly didn’t tell her and know that heeseung wouldn’t have told her without discussing with you first. when you asked her to clarify, her explanation only heightens the mental distress you were currently in.
“heeseung and i broke up a few months ago and i just figured you two would be together by now..” was all she said before walking away.
the night that heeseung confessed his love to you and where you had shared one of the most intimate moments two people could experience together; also happened to be the same night that heeseung broke up with his girlfriend.
leading you to believe that it was the only reason he felt so inclined to be with you. like you were just some rebound that heeseung knew would be waiting for him like a lost puppy who had been left at home all day, knowing that if he called out to you– you’d come running to him.
you were a rebound.
did he even mean anything he had said to you or was it all just a way to get you to play along with his desires? did he even know you felt that way about him? and he used it as a way to get what he wanted?
you felt disgusted knowing that the moment you shared with heeseung that you had been waiting for was merely just a way for him to get over his ex-girlfriend. a second option that he knew he could fall back on but not in the same way that he would’ve been supported by his friends who he could fall back on during a hard time, but more so like you were just a stepping stone and a temporary fix for the despair he was in that night.
using you to forget his ex if it meant that he would feel better at your expense.
it feels like the ten minutes that you were waiting for the pregnancy test to be ready was the longest ten minutes of your life. “less than ten minutes, my ass” you scoffed as the clock showed it’s been ten minutes and the results weren’t being shown through the small indicator window yet.
your head falls back in annoyance and to your surprise, the next time you look at the test, a giant plus sign is clearer than day. you swallowed the dryness in your throat, throwing the test into the garbage and ripping open into the two other boxes you bought to test again.
refusing to believe that the first one was accurate, like it was a fluke, a false positive, anything to convince yourself that this was not happening.
but it was.
⋆˚ʚɞ
when you wake up, about an hour later, you almost don’t recognize where you are until you realize you’re wrapped up in a blanket on your bed. you remember being on the couch but don’t recall how you ended up on your bed. you sluggishly roll out of your bed, eyes half open as you scratch your head and make your way to the living room; only to find heeseung sleeping soundly on your couch.
shock shoots through you as the memories of what happened before you fainted return to your mind, remembering that you and heeseung had reunited after not seeing one another for the last five years when he showed up unannounced at your front door.
you slowly walk over to him, momentarily admiring his peaceful face as he snoozed on your couch, clutching onto the small pillow with his arms. “i know you’re staring at me.” heeseung murmurs, opening one eye to look at you; a grin on his face when he sees the annoyed look on yours.
“what are you still doing here?” you ask, crossing your arms and tilting your head to one side as you questioned him. “wow, already kicking me out? if we were in college you would’ve begged me to stay while you tried to convince your roommate to leave.” he says, sitting up straight with the same playful smile on his lips.
“okay, if you’re gonna stay then i guess we need to have this talk don’t we?” you ask, swallowing the lump in your throat as you try to muster up the courage to have this conversation after it led you to faint just an hour prior. you take a seat next to heeseung, much like how the two of you were positioned earlier and the night when he showed up at your dorm, both of you sitting on your bed; looking into each other’s eyes as if you were the only two people that existed.
holding one another so closely like at any given moment one of you would be torn away from the other. only if heeseung knew that you would be torn away from him months after, maybe he wouldn’t have made the decision he did that night.
but that night was nothing that he’d ever regret.
“so.. where do i begin.. you say trying to think of how you wanted to start–
that night, when we hooked up in my dorm room; i know why you showed up. when you told me that you loved me it was everything that i could’ve hoped for. i feel like i started to fall for you the day we first met and every day since then i fell for you even more but i just thought that i wasn’t someone that you could ever love.
so, even though it hurt me, i settled with being okay with just being friends; because it was better than not having you in my life at all.
but when you told me you loved me that night, i was the happiest girl in the world. until i wasn’t. i felt like the few months that we were dating was the happiest moments of my life, obviously not compared to now because i have my daughter, but i’ll cherish those moments forever because it truly made me so happy to be with you–”
“then why did you leave?” heeseung pleads, begging for an answer as you somewhat tiptoe around it. “a few months later, i ran into your ex while i was in the store and i found out that the two of you had broken up the same night we hooked up…” heeseung was now shaking his head in denial at what he was hearing.
“heeseung, you used me as a rebound for your breakup– no, yn. that’s not true. i promise i would never do that to you.” heeseung whines, shaking his head in frustration that you’ve harbored this misunderstanding about him for the last five years which drove you away from him.
⋆˚ʚɞ five years ago, two days before moving away
“why have you been so distant?” heeseung asks, his doe eyes looking at you as he pleads for your attention, lights reflecting in his eyes that made it look like he was tearing up, and he was trying his best not to cry in front of the girl he’s loved for so long.
you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him, this battle inside of you that you’ve been going through on whether or not you wanted to tell heeseung the life changing news, your oversized hoodie covering up the secret you have.
“heeseung, i just don’t think we can do this anymore.” was the only thing you could say before having to do the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.
walk away from the boy you’ve loved for so long.
heeseung didn’t know what he had done that led you to breakup with him but he held onto this idea that you hated him ever since. he respected you enough to let you walk away from him even though it took every ounce of strength inside of him to not run after you and engulf you in his arms. he would’ve begged you to stay if he could, but he didn’t.
not running after you and fighting for your love was his biggest regret.
two days later, he’d find out from jay that you left the country and although he begged and begged jay to let him know where you moved to, how to reach you, and to help him get in contact with you; jay respected you too much after learning what led you to leave to just set you back by allowing heeseung to waltz right back into your life.
jay tried his best to not let his judgement of heeseung be clouded by what you told him, but he couldn’t help but feel empathy towards you. his cousin who’s life was going to change drastically because of his best friend and all he could do was support you from afar even if it meant helping you move into his childhood home where jay’s parents would be there for you to help you throughout the whole thing.
⋆˚ʚɞ
“heeseung, this is all too much for me right now. i want to have this conversation, i’ve thought about it every day for the last five years, but i don’t think i’d ever be ready for it.
i think you should leave.”
and as much as heeseung wanted to stay, beg for you to let him stay and talk it out, but he respected you too much to fight with you.
so just like that night, he walked away even if he didn’t want to.
you sighed as you closed the door behind heeseung, peeking into the small window beside your front door to watch him leave, shoulders low and head hunched over as he walked to his car. you close your eyes and exhale before swinging the door back open and calling for heeseung, “heeseung!” you shout and he’s instantly whipping around at the sound of your voice.
“heejin’s birthday is in two weeks, you’re invited if you’d like to come.” and heeseung’s attitude changes, a bright smile spreading onto his face as your words ring like church bells in his ears.
“i’ll be there.” he says before waving goodbye and driving off.
a small smile tugging on your lips as you tried your best not to feel like that young girl you once were whenever you’d get shy around heeseung.
⋆˚ʚɞ
the next two weeks is filled with heeseung’s endless attempts to make his way into your everyday routine whether it was showing up again unannounced to take heejin to school, to which she’d never deny because heeseung always brought her the juice box she really likes, or if it was him asking you if you needed help with anything for heejin’s birthday.
heeseung was going to find his way back into your life even if he annoyed you– but all you had in your mind was her birthday despite heeseung’s attempts to occupy your every waking thought.
the build up for heejin’s birthday was filled with excitement and anxiety as you tried to make her 6th birthday something special because it would be her first birthday in korea. in the past, her birthdays in seattle was mostly just you and her, sometimes your parents would fly in town to visit but not often.
and now that you’re back in korea and surrounded by so many people that loved you; you were going to make sure this birthday was something that she remembers. her birthday was in just 24 hours and everything was set in place.
it was somewhat difficult to keep everything hidden from her because she was one curious girl and was constantly rambling about what she wanted for her birthday, unicorns, rainbows, the color pink, a cake that was chocolate but also vanilla and had strawberries, the color pink, a pinata that was shaped like bunny or maybe a unicorn, and oh, did i mention.. pink?
pink was her favorite color and it showed with every since thing she always picked out for herself was pink.
at midnight when the clock indicated that it was finally her birthday, you snuck into her room as she slept soundly with a small cupcake and a number six candle in the center. you gently walked over to her and softly sang happy birthday, waking her up and her eyes instantly widened at the sight of you.
She was smiling from ear to ear and clapping her hands together in joy. “happy birthday my sweet bambi.” you said after singing happy birthday, softly patting her head as she makes a wish and blows out the candle.
“thank you mama.” her small voice coming out just above a whisper. “sleep now, okay? you have a big day tomorrow.” booping her nose as she enthusiastically goes back to bed, eager to fall back asleep and wake up the next morning to her big day.
birthday preparations started earlier for you as you made sure to do some last minute cleaning and organizing for the party. setting out all of the stuff in your backyard with the help of jay and your parents. your mom busied your daughter so that she wasn’t running around and to stop her from looking through every single thing at her party.
she was so happy, a type of happiness you wished would stay with her forever.
soon after, the preparations were complete and heejin was dressed in a sparkly pink dress, one that she had picked up several weeks in advance when the two of you were shopping together on a mommy and daughter date.
your friends, sunghoon, jay, jake, karina, and winter had shown up with gifts that made your daughter smile so bright. her classmates had shown up, excited to celebrate heejin on her big day– you watched from the side as you took in all of it. some of the people you loved most in one place to celebrate the person you loved most.
seeing your daughter happy made you happy and that was all you could wish for.
you took a gander at all of the people enjoying the party when a knock at your front door catches your attention. you jog over to the door and are met with heeseung, a cheesy grin on his face as he carries several boxes in his arms, peering from behind it to reveal himself.
“i hope i’m not too late?” he says and you just chuckle, telling him that the party was just beginning. you invite him inside, instructing him to set her gifts onto the table in the far side of the kitchen as the two of you join everyone in the backyard.
you can hear gasps coming from your friends as they see you and heeseung standing together, a sight that none of them thought they’d see so soon. “yo! heeseung, you made it man.” jake says, standing up to shake his friend’s hug as everyone follows to do the same.
karina and winter send you a teasing glance, the two of them pointing to you and heeseung like you were all kids teasing their friend when their crush walks by, earning them an eye roll as you laugh it off.
“where’s the birthday girl?” heeseung asks, still holding onto a small gift as he walks back to you. you pointed at heejin who was playing tag with her friends; unafraid to get rowdy with the little boys in her class. “heejin, bambi! come here, you’ve got a gift.” you shout and she comes running as she hears the word gift.
heeseung crouches down to her size and hands her the gift, “happy birthday heejin.” he says with a soft smile, one that heejin returns. hugging him to thank him, “can i open it mama?” she asks and you gesture her to ask heeseung since it was his gift– earning an eager nod from heeseung who encouraged her to open it.
heejin tears into the small box, a gasp escaping from her tiny mouth as she sees the box, the gift wrap revealing a soft brown deer plushie with a pink bow and blushing cheeks. she jumps up and down in excitement, her arms wrapping around heeseung’s neck to show her appreciation for the gift. seeing heeseung hug her back pulls at your heartstrings as you watch all of it unfold, an image in your head that you thought you’d never see.
your daughter and her father sharing a tender moment with an embrace.
⋆˚ʚɞ
the party dies down once the sun has set and most of the guests have gone. the only people left were your parents, winter and sunghoon, and heeseung. your friends had offered to stay back to help you clean and because your mother was your mother, she wasn’t going to let you clean up alone even if you had your friends to help.
heejin was in the living room with bright eyes as she looked at all of the gifts she had received, several gifts of stuffed animals, toys, clothes, and other presents that a small child would appreciate. “okay, bambi let’s get ready for bed. you can play with all of your toys tomorrow, ok?” and heejin nods, grabbing the deer plushie that heeseung got her and taking it with her as you help her get ready for bed.
heeseung notices you and heejin walking away and excuses himself from your mother to which she just nods and tells him it’s okay and she’ll take care of the rest of the chores in the kitchen. heeseung parted with a small bow as he makes his way to what he assumes is heejin’s room.
winter and sunghoon on the other are glancing at each other, having confirmation with just their eyes as they watch heeseung run after you.
“you know.. not to be a conspiracy theorist but doesn’t heejin look like.. heeseung?” winter asks, whispering to sunghoon as she walks a bit closer to him. “no, i see it too. also, the nickname? we used to say heeseung looks like a baby deer all the time when we were in college and yn nicknamed her daughter bambi?” sunghoon adds and winter looks at him like he’s just spilled the deepest secret one can hold.
sunghoon and winter send each other knowing glances as they both arrive at a revelation.
“hey, you guys alright?” heeseung asks while popping his head into heejins room with a soft knock. you tell him that you’re just her ready for bed when you wave him inside. “thank you for the gift, she loves it a lot. i’ve been looking for that thing for months and i can’t believe you were able to find it.” you tell him and heeseung chuckles.
“it’s no big deal” he responds and you ask him about how he knew to get that for her. “she talks about it whenever i drive her to school, she also mentioned that her mommy calls her bambi and i figured it would make the perfect gift.” he explains, making it a point to reference the bambi part as he knew that was also a nickname he had within your friend group, one that you started.
you hoped that you weren’t too obvious with that but chose not to dwell much longer on the nickname as it could just be coincidence– although it wasn’t.
“thank you for the bambi!” heejin says as she walks back into the room in her pajamas. heeseung pats her small head as she climbs into her bed, tucking her into her blanket as you ask her about her day– heejin rambling on about her favorite parts of the day which just turned out to be every single aspect of her party.
you smiled at her as she went on and on, “but my favorite is the bambi.” she says while stretching her arms out with the plushie in her hands and then bringing it into her arms for a hug. “thank you dad.” heejin says and it catches you and heeseung off guard– heejin herself doesn’t even realize what she’s said as she gets cozy in bed.
there was a sense of awkwardness between the two of you at the comment by your daughter and it causes heeseung to start questioning things and putting puzzle pieces together. the possibility that he could’ve been heejin’s dad hadn’t crossed his mind once and now that it’s been brought up; it’s all he was thinking about.
“goodnight, baby.” you say before placing a kiss onto heejin’s forehead and as you’re about to leave; she calls out to you. “mama, can you sing me a lullaby?” she asks and even though you were exhausted, you weren’t going to say no to your daughter.
“can i?” heeseung asks and you couldn’t bring yourself to say no when heejin looked so excited, so you nod and heeseung takes a seat on the bed next to heejin who was still hugging the deer plushie.
heeseung then begins to sing a song to your daughter. you haven’t heard his voice in so long, the melodic trill of his vocals, a symphonic honey like sound that lulled your daughter to sleep in no time, her soft snores mixing with heeseung’s beautiful singing.
when the two of you were certain that she was sound asleep, you carefully walked out of her room and shut the door as softly as you could. as you try to walk back to finish some cleaning, heeseung holds onto your hand and whips you back around to look at him, his gaze filled with love and the same type of longing that has lingered inside of him for years on end.
“can we talk?” heeseung says and you nod, letting him know to continue.
“i know that i hurt you when i made it feel like you were just a rebound, but that couldn’t have been more wrong. it was always you, i’ve always loved you and i would always choose you. my ex and i were constantly fighting throughout that week and the day i came running to you was when we broke up but i never told you why…
we broke up because she realized how much i loved you in comparison to her and it wasn’t fair that whenever i was with her, all i could think about was you.
i’ve loved you since the day i met you and i just never had the courage to say that, but i would write your name in the sand again and again after the waves have swept it away if it means that my love for you is shared across the seas.”
tears streaming down your eyes as heeseung’s hands gently cup your face, his thumb wiping your face of your tears. heeseung brings you into his arms for an embrace and when he feels your arms wrap around him, he breathes a sigh of relief knowing that he was finally able to get that off of his chest.
something that he’s had weighing on him for so long and was so happy to finally profess his love for you. the girl he loves and will always love.
when you pull away from him with a sniffle, heeseung wipes your tears again as you lock eyes, “is she mine?” he asks in reference and you nod, finally telling heeseung the secret that you’ve held for the last five years.
tears sting heeseung’s eyes at the information and he holds you even tighter in his arms when he hears the news. he couldn’t believe that the beautiful girl he just sang to sleep was his daughter. joy was an understatement to describe the emotion that he was feeling. the type of love only a family could share where they’d do everything to keep the family together and happy.
you and heeseung spend the night sharing stories of what you’ve missed in each other’s lives in the time that you were gone. tears, laughter, and tender touches shared between the two of you as you do your best to rebuild your relationship from scratch.
“thank you for giving me another chance.” heeseung whispers as you lay in his arms, the moonlight shining onto your faces, leaving a small white cast into the room.
“thank you for not giving up on me.” you respond, heeseung placing a small kiss onto your temple before you both drift off to sleep. a type of joy and delight radiating from your bodies that neither of you have felt in so long. something you would have only gotten from one another.
⋆˚ʚɞ
you’re awoken to the smell of grilled meat wafting throughout your home, your nose dragging you to the living room to find heejin and heeseung in the kitchen cooking together. “what do we have here?” you ask and they turn to look at you, “mama! he’s teaching me how to make pancakes and bacon.” she says, running over to you and hugging your legs. you pick her up and walk back to heeseung who was setting the last pancake onto the plate.
“let’s eat.” he says and you all sit at the table together and enjoy breakfast like a family for the first time. a moment that you’ve always wanted to share as a whole family and now that you’ve finally been able to share the truth with heeseung, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.
“heejin, i have something to tell you, ok?” you tell her and she’s looking up at you with her big doe eyes, identical to heeseung’s who was shyly sitting to the side. “remember when you asked me where your papa is?” and heejin nods, a small pout on her lips.
“bambi, heeseung is your papa.” and you’ve never seen heejin move so fast before as she’s jumping out of her chair and into heeseung’s arms to which he welcomes her, hugging his daughter with so much love that you could feel it coming off of them. heeseung extends one of his arms to invite you over and as tears fall from your eyes once again, you join in on your first ever family hug.
you didn’t know when this day would come and you were elated that it came sooner after you had been running from it for the last five years. the happiest moment of your life with the family you’ve created could’ve never happened if you didn’t face heeseung and allowed for him to bare his soul and heart to you. something you should’ve never been afraid of.
heeseung waited for you every single day, thinking about the day that you’d come back to him and when you’d finally be his. to his surprise, you gave him a beautiful daughter that, although he has a lot of time to make up for, was so happy that he wasn’t too late to watch her grow and be a part of her life.
no matter how hard you tried to run from having to face this hardship, heeseung was thousands of miles away back in korea waiting for you with only love in his mind. wanting nothing more than to have you back in his life and to never let you go like he had done the first time.
the image of your broken face replayed in his mind every night when he slept, thinking about the pain he must’ve put you through without knowing the full capacity of what you had to experience alone. he wished he was there by your side through every single step, holding your hand in the delivery room, taking photos of you as your stomach grew, witnessing his daughter’s first steps and first word, everything.
but now that he was back, he was going to make sure that he didn’t miss anything else.
you and your daughter instantly became the most important people in his life, knowing that he’d love the both of you endlessly, unconditionally, and forever.
forever.
something that he’d always associate with you because you are his forever and now, so is your daughter.
love should be forever and you were forever going to be loved by him. it was like love and forever was synonymous with you because to heeseung, loving you is forever.
a year long situationship that led you to key your ex's car gets resurfaced when the two of you attend a popular youtube show
sim jaeyun x reader
genre: angst, heartbreak, exes reunited
warnings: profanity, toxic relationship, mentions of drinking, lying to your partner, mentions of insecurities, 18+ not proofread lol
masterlist - wc: 4170
your mind was occupied with the hundreds of questions you wanted to ask jake, most of which were rhetorical questions where you just found the opportunity to cuss him out for the way he treated you, but you knew that the staff on set probably woulnd’t let you do that.
so you tried to focus on the questions that would lead you to getting the answers you wanted. why he treated you the way he did when his words would be the exact opposite. this year long rollercoaster of situationship with jake not only brought you to the highests of highs but also the lowests of lows.
rollercoaster was an understatement on how unpredictable, unstable, and emotional the last year has been.
jake played with your emotions and as hard as you tried to get off that ride, you were strapped in.
when you saw that this youtube series was doing a casting call for ex-couples, you jumped at the opportunity to send in an application for you and jake; and when the two of you got accepted, you told jake that he needed to go somewhere with you for a recording, explaining that it was something you had signed them up for before they broke up and he just forgot about it because he never listens to you.
to which he responded with a smart comment about how you just think he never listens but “he does”, you rolled your eyes at him and told him the details. that was a month ago and now here you were sitting in your car at the recording studio lot, trying to hype yourself up to face the boy you had an unofficial official relationship with for the last year.
three months isn’t a lot time for some healing to have made its way to you since the breakup, if you could even call it that because you ended up just ghosting him, but you figured that since you were here now, there was no point in backing out and you’d finally be able to ask jake the burning questions you’ve been storing inside of you.
when you walked inside, a nice staff member tells you how the filming was going to be done and it was quite simple. you’d introduce yourselves and the interviewer would ask the two of you questions, in hopes for you to get the answers you may be looking for.
although you wanted to ask jake your own questions, you thought it was only fair that they came up with the questions themselves to avoid any drama or unwanted conflict to occur.
after a few minutes of waiting inside of the green room, the same staff member pops their head into the room to let you know that your episode would start recording soon. they have you stand on a marker on the right side of the room, a wall separating you from the main set where you can hear jake speaking and introducing himself. his australian accent is as thick as ever, trying your best to bite back a smile when you hear his laugh.
when he’s finished, you’re instructed to walk to the x on the floor and introduce yourself, much like how jake had just done. as you walk onto the set, you see jake sitting there, his head rising to look in your direction and a smirk is instantly plastered onto his face; like he found it so amusing to see you. or was it arrogance? or maybe it was desire?
either way, the look he gave you was one of yearning.
“hi, my name is yn and today i’m going to being doing an interview with my ex.” you notice jake sitffen at your side when those words leave your mouth; now just realizing that he wasn’t fully aware of what this video was even for as you only told him to show up and the staff member that he was assigned did a poor job of giving enough detail on the filming that he wasn’t able to put two and two together.
jake is about to speak up and ask about what you had just said because he didn’t know that that’s what this video was for but he’s interrupted by the producer behind the camera telling the two of you to do a bit of catching up before he asks you the first question.
“you look good, as always.” jake compliments, the smirk still on his face as he looks you up and down, brushing his hand through his hair: a classic jake flirting tactic.
you mutter a small thank you before responding, “you look.. fine.” you say, trying to sound as bitter as you could when deep down you were fighting the urge to fall for his tricks. you could’ve sworn he’s only gotten more handsome since the last time you saw him three months ago.
“only fine?” he teases and you roll your eyes before giving and saying that he also looked good, to which jake smiles even wider and let’s out a laugh that rung like an angelic harp in your head. “you know, you didn’t tell me this was a video about exes..” jake brings up and you give him a sheepish grin followed by a shrug as you’ve clearly been caught.
you tell him that it must’ve slipped your mind and when he gives you a look that tells you that he doesn’t believe you, you go on to explain that you wanted answers from him and thought that this was the best way to do it without the pressures of being alone in a close proximity to jake.
“why, do i have that effect on you?” he teases again and you roll your eyes, choosing not to answer that but it was okay for you jake because he knew the answer to that already.
“alright, so how long did you guys date?”
you were hesitant to answer becoause you wanted jake to answer first. you knew that he barely saw what the two of you had as “dating” but you wanted to see how he’d answer so that you could answer accordingly.
“a year.” he simply says and it’s probably the first time that jake has ever considered it “dating”
you’re about to answer but jake interjects, “if you could call it that. it was more like a situationship.” he continues.
there it is.
“yeah, a year.” you ask, your energy instantly reaching a low as your hopes of jake seeing you more than a situationship goes down the drain. you knew it was too good to be true, and you’re now beginning to regret even going on this show in the first place.
what was your first date?
you decide that you were going to wait for jake to answer again because you knew that he’d get this question wrong. he always did whenever you and your friends would ask about the two of you. he’d always say…
“it was at a late night bbq”
wrong.
jake turns his head to look at you, a proud expression on his face like he was look to your for validation, expecting you to be smiling and nodding at his answer, but you weren’t and his smile instantly fades when he sees the slight frown on your face.
“that’s wrong, jake. our first date was actually at your jobs luncheon because you forgot you double booked that day so we had to go to your work even instead of our actual first date which was supposed to be fishing at the pier.” you explained, your face still as a stone as you looked into the camera as if you were hoping your expression would transfer your feeling to the viewers watching this video.
like you wanted them to feel how annoyed you were that he got that question wrong and always got that question wrong for the last year.
“oh, right. i always forget that, huh?” he says, shyly scratching the back of his head and all you could do was quickly raise your eyebrows and give him a tightlipped smile; to which jake takes notice over the fact that you weren’t enjoying any of this. which he found strange considering this was your idea.
jake then begins to wonder what all of this was even for. you clearly weren’t having a good time, he didn’t really want to be here, and if he was being honest, none of this was any of these people’s business. what the two of you had was something that only mattered to the two of you, no one else.
who said i love you first?
“neither of us, like he said, it wasn't that type of relationship.” you jumped up, answering before jake could because you were getting frustrated at everything, especially at the fact that after you tried so hard to think that what you and jake had for the last year could’ve been more, you’re only meeting the harsh truth and that wa the fact that what you two had was close to nothing.
“actually, that’s not true. you probably don’t remember because you had a lot to drink that night but during heeseung’s birthday party last year, you got really drunk and i took you home to take care of you and before you fell asleep we had a heartfelt talk about what we are.
you were rambling so much about how you didn’t want me to leave you and that you wanted me to sleep over and stay the night; and so i did.
we fell asleep in your bed but not before i told you that i loved you but i guess you had fallen asleep a lot sooner because you hadn’t heard anything i said. all you responded with was a snore.” he says, the last part being a joke to somewhat lighten up the somber mood that his story brought.
he was right though, you didn’t remember this night. you knew that you got pretty trashed at heeseung’s party but you don’t remember jake ever telling you that he loved you.
that you definitely would’ve remember because it would’ve changed the way things are right now.
“are you being serious?” you whisper and jake nods, “of course, i am.” he adds.
“why did you say it? and why did you never tell me the next morning.” you probe, confused at the fact that you wanted answers but were receiving questions instead.
“i’m not sure. i think i got scared. that i was catching feelings for you but i had been so focused on keeping us casual that i thought i’d scare you away if i brought it up. i mean we were only seeing each other for about 4 months at that time so i don’t know if telling you that i loved you was a good idea…” jake explains and you’re shaking your head in disbelief.
“jake? the reason i ghosted you was because i wanted something more than casual and you didn’t. you’re not about to spin this onto me and make it seem like i’m the one who wasn’t ready for something serious.
and if this was around the time of heeseung’s birthday then it was after the fight we had and why i was drinking so much that night. i was angry that you weren’t telling me how you felt about because you were clearly jealous that i wanted to go to heeseung party and insisted that you came even though you didn’t want me going to another guy’s party.
we fought before we got to the party because you were acting jealous and like we were official when in reality you tiptoed around the fact and never wanted to put a label on us. so no, of course i’m not going to remember that because all i had in my head that night was the fact that you probably would never love me based on how you saw what we had.”
you didn’t mean to unload on jake like that but the words just kept coming out and by the end of it you’re wiping a tear from your cheek and catching your breath as you realize you were talking so fast without any pauses to take a breath.
jake looked at you with an apologetic expression, like he didn’t know this was how you felt when you knew that he was aware before for the last half of your situationship, you were fighting once a month about it and eventually it got so bad to the point you just completely walked away with a notice. some would say, including you, that you ghosted jake but the only ghost was jake as he was left behind, left to linger without a general purpose as he was surrounded with the memory of the past and what could’ve been.
what was the cause of your breakup?
you look up at jake to see if he was going to answer but he’s just looking at you because if jake was being honest, with all of the fights and arguments that the two of you had, he couldn’t tell you with 100% confidence why the two of you broke up.
to be fair, you were the one that walked away.
you cleared your throat before slightly turning to the camera, “i told jake that i wanted something more and that i was done being casual, i asked that dreaded question that a lot of people who are in the our situationship try to avoid ‘what are we?’ and didn’t go well. it led to yet another argument, i think it was like our 3rd one andi we were only halfway through the month.
i got sick and tired of feeling like i wasn’t wanted or desired or that i was incapable of receiving the love that i deserved. don’t get me wrong, jake was sweet and he made sure i felt like i was cared for but when it came down to the nitty gritty, he didn’t have an answer on what we were when i did…
so i left. sure, it was wrong of me to just outright ghost him but to me it was the right thing to do because why was i going to continue pursuing someone that not only couldn’t see eye to eye with me but didn’t see me the way i saw him..” you try not to look over at jake but when he starts to speak, your eyes naturally gravitate towards his direction.
“i would agree, but i think you’re forgetting the part where i said just now that i was scared. i did love you, hell, i still love you but i don’t know if you’d ever see me that way again. i’m sorry that i made you feel unloved because i was too weak to deal with my own insecurities that i was unknowingly projecting onto you.
i should’ve never been afraid to profess my love to you because you deserve someone who would love you and be proud to be loved by you.”
jake’s words have always held weight with you. you loved knowing input on things even when they were small and not the most important.
what should you have for dinner? let’s ask jake.
do these shoes match your coat? let’s ask jake.
does this hairstyle suit you? let’s ask jake.
should you reach out to that friend you haven’t spoken to in years? let’s ask jake.
jake had become someone you could turn to when it came to helping you make decisions because you valued what he had to say, he was smart and socially adept; way more than you, but when it came to you it seemed like jake would lose all of his ability to articulate his words. stumbling or rambling nonsense until he would just tell you to forget about it altogether.
so why is it that right now, in this very moment, jake was able to clearly and verbally express how he felt then and now, when it’s all too late. why couldn’t he have shared this with you when it mattered most, when you needed him to yell at the top of his lungs what you needed to hear, when you wanted nothing more than for him to provide some security for you by whispering into your ear the words he was saying now. it would’ve saved you all of the heartbreak, pain, and inner battle you had gone through the last three months with feeling like maybe it was your fault.
maybe you were too overbearing with jake or maybe you had crossed that line a situationship should never cross. maybe you took everything way more seriously than you needed when the key word was: casual.
but you knew it wasn’t you and it wasn’t just your pride talking. you knew that what you and jake had was more than casual, more than a situationship, and more than what he made it out to be.
is there anything the two of you have wanted to say to the other that you haven’t?
your eyes are fixated onto the scuffed floor of studio, afraid that if you were to speak right away that you may something you regret, and although you wanted nothing more to finally tell jake how you really feel, burning passion and anger and all, you decided to hold back for a moment and think about what you should say opposed to what your emotions wanted to say.
“for me…” jake starts
“i’ve always wanted to tell you that i see you more than how i’ve treated you. i know it’s not much now considering where we are in each other’s life but i wish i would’ve told you that i loved you before you fell asleep.
i wish that i told you that i loved you when you woke up the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that one, maybe even the days before the first time i said it .
i wish i showed you how much i actually loved you instead of letting fear cloud my judgement and drive me away from how i truly felt. i did love you, yn. i still love you and i’m sorry that this is all coming out at the wrong time.
i’m sorry i couldn’t give that to you when you had asked for it.”
tears fall down your face and you’re not sure if you’re crying because of sadness or anger. you were sad because this was what you finally wanted to hear. jake take accountability for how he treated you and say it from his own mouth that he knew what he did wrong and knew what he should’ve done– but you were angry because it didn’t make you feel the way you had thought it would.
you expected to be angry, thrashing, and bitter at jake once you finally got his answer, but now all you felt was tenderness. the way jake radiated with guilt you could tell he was being genuine and it played with your mind because you wanted nothing more than to be angry but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.
jake hands you a tissue before you answer, wiping your tears with sniffles as you try to gather yourself, looking up at jake who’s eyes have gotten slightly red. “i’ve always wanted to tell you how much you hurt me. i know whenever we fought that it would just be us yelling back and forth, trying to throw the blame but never fully expressing what we felt.
and i feel like that was something i should’ve done and maybe it would’ve helped you be able to express your own feelings. obviously we’re adults, we don’t need to coddle one another but i can’t help but think that maybe if i was more compassionate and less acussatory then maybe things would’ve worked out. that maybe if i encouraged myself to speak with empathy instead of anger then you would’ve done the same.”
do you regret breaking up?
jake instantly says yes, like he knew this question was coming and although you don’t respond right away, jake’s demeanor doesn’t falter as he stood beside his answer.
“i don’t know..” was all you could say and for a second sadness flashes in jake’s eyes but it’s soon replaced with a look of kindness as he knows your answer wasn’t meant to hurt him but was rooted in the history of you both.
would you two get back together?
this time jake doesn’t jump up at the answer, he waits for a moment even though he already knows what he wants to say because he wanted to hear you first. you bite your bottom lip as you think about how you wanted to answer the question because you weren’t even sure yourself what the answer could be.
would saying yes lead to something better? or would it just bring you back into a pattern and create a cycle.
what if you said no and you would’ve never known that your future with jake was brighter than your past.
“yes.” jake says and your head is snapping upwards to look up at him, surprise clearly spread across your face. “i was so happy she reached out to me about this video, i hadn’t heard from her for three months so i was happy to see her contact appear on my phone. i’d want to get together and start over in a heartbeat.” jake adds.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
“thank you both for coming to film today, it was very nice to have you both. feel free to grab some refreshments before heading out, we’ll have our assistant do some offboarding paperwork with you. thank you, take care.” the producer says and you gather your things, hopping off the stool and heading outside; not even caring that you didn’t do the paperwork they said you’d have to do before leaving.
you’re fiddling with your keys when jake runs out, chasing after you.
“wait, yn! you’re just leaving?” he asks, jogging over to you, slightly out of breath. the sun has long set but the moon in the sky shined a light onto jake that made him look majestic. like something out of someone’s dreams or the pages of a fantasy book. he looked unreal.
“yes? the recording is done, i’m leaving.” you say bitterly as you finally get the key into the slot, opening the door but jake stops it from fully swinging open. “jake, let go.” you say with an eye roll and he stays put.
“did you really mean that?” he asks, eyes pleading for an answer to the last thing you had said when answering the question about getting together.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
“no, i wouldn’t get back together. it would show that i don’t respect myself if i got back together with someone who didn’t respect me enough when we were dating. i deserve better than that.”
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡ ˚
those words echo inside both of your heads, jake forced to think about how it would haunt him knowing the way he made you feel while your own words lingered in your mind as you tried to convince yourself you meant what you said but deep down you only said it because it was you being scared.
the same exact way that jake was scared.
“yes, i meant it, jake. i deserve better.” you say, your voice slightly trembles and you hope that jake didn’t hear it. he’s just staring into your eyes, looking for any sign that you’re lying, that you want to try and start over, but when he isn’t able to find what he’s looking for in your eyes, his head falls with a slight sniffle.
“okay… i respect your decision. take care of yourself, ok? i hope you find the one who will treat you the way you deserve. i’m sorry i couldn’t show you that i could’ve been that person.” and his grip on your car door loosens, the door slightly swinging open as you watch him walk away. his back turned towards you as he walked off, his arm moving to his eyes to wipe his tears as he walked to his own car.
maybe, you shouldn’t have lied and just told him that you did want to start over.
but you couldn’t risk your own happiness on “maybe”. you needed a definitive and solid answer; and you didn’t get that today no matter how many times jake apologized, told you that he wanted to start over, told you wanted you wanted to hear.
none of it translated the way you thought it would because you came in here hating jake but now you’re walking out hating the fact that you couldn’t bring yourself to be honest with him the way you wanted him to be honest with you all those months ago.
and with that, jay could only put his phone down and look into the mirror he owned that conveniently hung on the wall next to him.
“am i scary?” he mutters to himself in confusion while he observes his facial features. “maybe i am.”
so he spends a few minutes that turned into hours of attempting to find the right smile that didn’t look too scary or weird. getting bored and frustrated, he opens tiktok and sees his for you page filled with ways to get someone to take interest in you and boy did he take interest in those.
and in the very next day, jay waltzes into class with a silly grin pointed right. at. you.
“hi, yn!” having not ever had a single proper conversation with the man himself, you could only stare at him agape while a million thoughts race through your mind. just who was this man? because this was not the same jay who looked like he wanted to murder anyone who decided to make a single noise in a silent room.
“hi..?”
“could you help me give these files to mrs shin while i carry the box?”
“uh sure.”
if future you went back in time to tell you that you’d be walking alone with jay himself you would be laughing at her. well look at you now! ... walking ... with jay !!!!
unbeknownst to you however.. jay was sweating buttcheeks raking his mind on what he could talk to you about. think !!!! THINK !!!!!
“so uhh yn! heard you lost your wallet the other day, have you found it yet?”
“ohh i did actually! well i mean.. not me but heeseung! he passed it to me the other day.... and left me a 50 dollar bill in it too because i had no money heh. that was sweet of him.”
heeseung ?????
“i can do better than that.” would it be weird for him to jump out the next open window he sees?
“what?”
no going back now
“i said i could do better than... him.”
and you laugh while his heart makes backflips and the sound of your laughter.
“what do you mean?”
“oh you’ll see.”
reaching the teacher’s room and mrs shin’s table, you and jay place the items neatly on her desk.
“you are actually more friendly than i thought.”
“what do you me-”
“hey, yn!” and both you and jay’s ears peak up with the mention of your name. jake sim being the owner of said voice.
“hi jake!” you giggle.
“pleasant seeing you here, saw the physics class schedule, we have an upcoming project together!”
and that only starts a conversation between the two of you that lasted approximately two minutes before getting interrupted by the ringing of the school bell, signifying the start of classes.
“oh! looks like we have to go back to class!”
we?
lo and behold there stood jay who stared at jake like he wanted to behead him there and then except, jake wasn’t gonna back down.
and if future you went back in time to tell you that you’d be walking with thee jay park and jake sim back to class, you’d laugh at her.
୨୧ masterlist – ୨୧ chapter five – back to chapter three
SUMMARY ! you hated high school, oh with a burning passion. it was totally unbearable to be somewhere you felt as if you didn't belong, but who knew your existence itself could lead to the school's top student, star athlete, class president and sweetheart to fall head over heels for you. maybe these guys would make your time at school bearable ... or maybe not.
a/n ! HI ALL !!! so so so so sorry for the late late update but i’ve been busy with work and i have to start applying for college soon #THEGRINDNEVERSTOPS !!!! but thank you to all of you who showed interest in this smol series i love u guys. this chappie is more focused on jay because it’s like his proper (?) character introduction !!
taglist ! (send an ask / message to be added :P) @igotkpoops @luvrseung @sievenderz (can’t b tagged ☹️) @bbeomgyucafe @sserafimez @renchai
hii how are you?? i started reading lucky one and i'm loving it!! it is so good akdksk can i be added to the taglist please? 🥺
take care!
hello omg i’m so so glad you like it <3 i have so many ideas but recently i’ve been sick for a bit and work has been consuming most of my time so putting anything out is quite hard for me to do 😭😭😭 so i’m really really sorry for slow updates BUT THERE WILL BE UPDATES GUYS !!!
୨୧ LUCKY ONE ! chapter three: All I Ask For Is One Chance
✉️ (written part below !!!)
you weren’t gonna lie, your little online interaction with heeseung had you a little disconnected in class. everything seemed like a blur and whatever your teacher had been on about was going in one ear and out the other.
your eyes glanced around the room, in a couple of seconds you would be out and about and seeing heeseung at the cafe that was conveniently located next to your school- a popular destination for your schoolmates.
you hadn’t even noticed you had stood up from your seat when the bell rang, indicating the end of your first day of school. honestly, this was one hell of a first day after being paired with jake as lab partners for the rest of the year, having jay as your class president, the park sunghoon following you on twitter and now you were on your way to meeting lee heeseung.
after bidding bye’s to your friends you proceeded to make your way to the cafe with your head full of thoughts of everything and nothing.
ding!
the bell above your head had rang when you pushed the door open. looking up, lee heeseung stared at you with a little smile playing on his lips.
you feel small under his gaze, sitting in front of him.
“before i return your wallet, you are obligated to have lunch with me.” he smiles at his offer
if this was any other man, you would’ve rejected it- no questions asked. but hey, it was lee heeseung! who in the right mind would shut him down. one issue though,
“why? and i don’t have money either so..”
“i know you hadn’t eaten anything during recess because you were busy searching for your wallet and who said you had to pay?” he responds nonchalantly.
instant heart eyes !!!! i mean, free food paid by an absolute sweetheart? this man was a godsend. smiling at his statement, you ultimately agree and boy did you have a great time.
୨୧ masterlist – ୨୧ chapter four – back to chapter two
SUMMARY ! you hated high school, oh with a burning passion. it was totally unbearable to be somewhere you felt as if you didn't belong, but who knew your existence itself could lead to the school's top student, star athlete, class president and sweetheart to fall head over heels for you. maybe these guys would make your time at school bearable ... or maybe not.
it was fun while it lasted, but only one is lucky enough to be your boyfriend. but wait! who's the lucky one ?
a/n ! CHAPPIE THREEEEEEE this is more less a heeseung solo ep sorry guys i’n trying 😅
taglist ! (send an ask / message to be added :P) @igotkpoops @luvrseung @sievenderz (can’t b tagged ☹️)
warning(s): profanity, some sexual tension, a confrontation
prompt (x): in case you ever foolishly forget; i am never not thinking of you.
summary: the last person you’d expected to see at a house party was the fling you’d accidentally ghosted.
note: tysm for requesting cael!! i hope this drabble to your liking :’))
masterlist
The universe had to be fucking you over.
There was no other plausible explanation for why everything was going so astronomically wrong.
Earlier that morning, you’d forgotten to turn in your economics assignment and had to beg for an extension under false claims. In the afternoon, your card had declined and you’d had to interrupt your roommate’s date to ask her to pay for your lunch. In the evening, you’d accidentally washed your bright pink shirt along with your whites and ended up staining all of them.
And now, as if the enormous amount of suffering you’d already been through wasn’t enough, you could see Lee Heeseung walk through the front door of Ryujin’s house.
He looked better than ever with his dark, damp hair falling over his forehead in soft curls and his signature dangly earring swaying as he trudged inside.
Though, to be fair, you’d only seen him a handful times before. Being one of Jake’s close friends, he’d accompanied Ryujin, Jake and you to a weekend getaway during Spring Break to a beach house owned by Jake’s father.
Since Ryujin and Jake were too busy with themselves, Heeseung and you had wound up being the awkward third and fourth wheels. So, you’d broken away from the couple and hung out with each other instead.
One thing led to another, and the two of you somehow found yourselves making out on the couch while watching a horror movie.
You ghosted Heeseung after that.
It wasn’t as if you meant to ignore him—you just became too busy with life and forgot to reply to his i had fun with you text.
When you finally remembered, a week had already passed.
Of course, you felt guilty. You’d genuinely had a good time with him and would have loved to stay in contact, but the thought of messaging him back after such a long time seemed pointless and awkward.
Besides, what you’d had was barely a fling. All you’d done was hang out with each other for a couple of days and kiss.
At least, that was what you’d been trying to convince yourself for the past few weeks.
You’d tried to disregard your interactions and the way he made you feel. It was nothing short of ridiculous to develop such strong emotions for someone you’d spent less than a week with.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” you whispered-shouted, grabbing Ryujin’s wrist in an attempt to get her attention.
She turned to look at you and frowned. “It’s a house party, Y/N. I told you I invited all my friends.”
“Since when was Lee Heeseung your friend?!” you exclaimed.
“Since I started hanging out with people from Jake’s college. Besides, we went on that trip together. I couldn’t leave him out.”
Motherfucker.
You blew out a breath and let her go. You watched Heeseung take the red solo cup Jake handed him, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he took a sip of the contents inside.
God, how did he make such a mundane action appear so incredibly hot?
“Why are you upset?” Ryujin questioned. “I thought you guys really hit it off.”
“We did,” you muttered and turned your back to Heeseung so he wouldn’t catch sight of you. “But everything went to shit the moment I accidentally ghosted him.”
Ryujin’s jaw dropped and she slapped your arm. You winced and backed away, rubbing the sore spot with a pout on your face. “What?! When were you going to tell me?”
“It slipped from my mind!” you complained, knowing damn well what you’d just said was a lie. This was the reason you never told her. You knew she’d kick your ass for being so stupid. “You never brought him up either!”
“This is so frustrating.” Ryujin sighed. “Do you want me to distract him—Holy shit, Y/N. He’s coming here.”
“What?” you screeched and panicked instantly. Shoving your drink into her hand, you pushed her away and began speed-walking towards the bathroom.
As your luck would have it, the toilet was occupied and the line was long. Turning on your heels without wasting another minute, you rushed towards one of the guest rooms on the other side of the party.
Twisting the knob, you hurried inside. You would lock yourself for the entire party if it resulted in you eluding a guaranteed confrontation upon encountering him.
Just when you thought you made it to sanctuary, a foot wedged itself between the door and its frame. You tried to close it shut with your entire being, but the person standing on the other side was simply too strong for you.
“I can’t possibly scare you enough to make you run away and hide, Y/N.”
Fuck.
Defeated, you dropped your head and moved away from the room’s entrance. There was no point in avoiding the situation at hand anymore.
Heeseung slipped inside and closed the door behind him.
“I wasn’t running away or hiding from you,” you muttered. You couldn’t look him in the face after everything, so you stared at the wall behind him instead.
“Really?” He raised an eyebrow. “Because that’s not what it seemed to me. You saw me and then you came here.”
“I did not see you,” you replied defensively. “I’m literally blind right now; I can’t see anything because I’m not wearing my contacts.”
“Do you expect me to believe that?”
“Is there a reason you followed me, Heeseung?” you asked because you didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah, there is,” he said softly and stuffed his hands inside the pockets of his ripped jeans. He took a step forward, and you had to muster up all your effort to stay in place.
Heeseung only stopped when he was toe-to-toe with you. He dipped his head, his eyes almost disappearing behind his messy hair. You willed yourself to stand your ground and finally locked your gaze with his.
You could have sworn his eyes were brown, but at that moment, they appeared to depthless pools of black. You gulped and took a shuddering breath.
You weren’t quite sure whether the goosebumps on your arms were a result of your nervousness or anticipation.
“I was wondering why you ignored me after the getaway,” he mumbled. “I was losing sleep trying to figure out what went wrong, and I need you to give me some answers.”
“Nothing went wrong,” you whispered hoarsely. “You were sweet and wonderful. I just—I fucked up and didn’t deal bother righting my mistake because it was too late.”
Heeseung studied you for a moment. Then, he took a step away. “So I wasn’t worth it?”
“That’s not what I said,” you bit back. “I forgot to reply to your message because life got too busy and didn’t wanna make things weird for both of us by getting back to you after over a week later.”
“You realise you could have simply told me this whenever you remembered my text, right?” he said. “For weeks, I thought you were avoiding me. It sucked to wonder if someone I instantly connected with only thought of me as a fling.”
“I didn’t think you would even remember.”
“Well, let me make something clear to you, Y/N—just in case you ever foolishly forget; I have never not thought of you ever since we met.”
Biting the inside of your cheek, you mumbled in shame, “I’m sorry. Can we start over?”
“Do you promise to communicate with me instead of throwing us away the next time you fuck up?”
Despite the harsh reality of his words, you huffed a small laugh. “I do.”
“Then I guess the only thing left,” he said and stuck his hand out, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Hi, I’m Lee Heeseung.”
You gripped his hand firmly and shook it. “Hi, Lee Heeseung. My name is L/N Y/N.”
“Pleasure to meet you. How about we go back to the party and get to know each other better over some alcohol and dancing?”
Your eyes twinkled with newfound hope. “It would be my honour.”
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