DEAD BOY WALKING!

( this geass, i do solemnly accept. )

[knightreim]

hi i love suzaku

[knightreim]

hello so clearly i havent been online! real life has been busy, doing Adult Things makes little time for this hobby. i’m going to visit family in korea soon (june 1st) so if you’re in the seoul area u should hit me up c(: i’m also in toronto for a bit since its a one stop flight! otherwise, i’ll try to return w better activity once i sort out my schedule for good. i’ll probably be super active when r3 comes out LMAO ;__T i’m most active on twitter and discord if you need me! ask me for both if needed!!

sorry, and see u later!

[shinyeu]

Commission of Suzaku Kururugi for @ernestbrooo

[knightreim]

My gender is code geass r3: lelouch of the ressurection

[macabrres]

some people destroy the tokyo settlement to cope

YOU !    ARE !    VALID !!

[imgbrown]

[knightreim]

❛ Choices have been made. I can only continue on. ❜

` movie starters. / mr nobody.

            ` ... i see.’

callous - ridden fingers uncurled from the fist that had formed at his side, his shoulders relaxing ever so slightly at the declaration. even if he were to claim a lack of guilt for how the situation had become, there was a part of suzaku that knew his heart would still resent himself for it. but if this man were to declare the past in the past, then he would acknowledge. there was nothing he couldn’t respect about that.

still, he hesitated.

            ` even if you go forward, will you ever look back?’

and a fist clenched at his side once more.

[aromanticgcallen]

talk 2 me about characters learning how to be cared about

[aromanticgcallen]

#but really like talk to me about it#talk to me about the process of being checked on by text message#of being alarmed when someone catches your arm after work and gives you an odd look#what’s coming out of their mouth has gotta be something bad right#’are you okay’#mental stutter what just happened error 404 response not found#why the fuck did somebody come make me soup when i’m sick i’ve been doing it myself my whole life#what#i’m so confused why are they doing this why does my happiness mattter???#I’M SO U PS ET

[heireating]

       MOVIE STARTERS VOL.7       ( MR.NOBODY )      ( JACO VAN DORMAEL )   

❛ Every path is the right path. ❜

❛ As long as you don’t choose, everything remains possible. ❜

❛ You have to make the right choice. ❜

❛ In chess, it’s called Zugzwang – when the only viable move … is not to move. ❜

❛ I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid I haven’t been alive enough. ❜

❛ What did I do to deserve this? ❜

❛ You can’t not exist. Is there life after death? ❜

❛ How can you be so sure you even exist? ❜

❛ When we were separated, I said I would never love anyone else, ever. I would never become attached, I’d never stay put anywhere, I’d have nothing for myself; I decided I would pretend to be alive. And this is what I’ve been waiting for, all this time, renouncing all possible lives, for one only, with you. ❜

❛ I’d just like to ask you one question. Did you do it on purpose? ❜

❛ Choices have been made. I can only continue on. ❜

❛ Time is a result of the expansion of the universe itself. But what will happen when the universe has finished expanding? ❜

❛ Urgh, you’re still here? Did I fall asleep? ❜

❛ There’s no life without you. ❜

❛ Go slowly. I have to get used to this. ❜

❛ I talked to you so much when you weren’t there, it’s strange for me to talk to you for real. ❜

❛ I often have this dream. I can hear you screaming, there is a bear. I chase it away and you’re not afraid anymore. But when I wake up, there’s no bear but you’re still afraid. ❜

❛ I don’t dare to move, I don’t live, whatever I do is a disaster. ❜

❛ I will never leave anything to chance again. ❜

❛ I’m not happy. I’m going crazy. ❜

❛ Every morning when I wake up, I rub my eyes and I see your face and I start crying. ❜

❛ I don’t know what to do! It’s not my fault, right? You’re not gonna leave me, are you? ❜

❛ How can you stay so calm? How can you be like that? You’re not human! ❜

❛ The smoke comes out of the cigarette, but it never goes back in. We cannot go back. That’s why it’s hard to choose. ❜

❛ It doesn’t look like there is much to do. I hope I brought enough Sudoku. ❜

❛ You’re the first and last person I’ll ever love. ❜

❛ They say if you slow your breathing, time slows down. ❜

❛ We shouldn’t. You don’t know me and I’m not a good person. ❜

❛ Don’t try to make me feel better, it only makes me feel guiltier! What’s wrong with me? ❜

❛ You have a gift for making people uncomfortable. ❜

❛ You never notice me, you never notice anyone. ❜

❛ Do you know how to talk? Well say something. ❜

❛ You know what I don’t want? I don’t want to be like you. ❜

❛ I’m going to marry the first girl that dances with me tonight. ❜

❛ How did you know my name? ❜

[murderaer-deactivated20171124]

     ❝ —— and here i thought my luck was gettin’ better. what do you want ? ❞ low growls, aggressive tone : it was in his nature to be on the OFFENSIVE; for, what was he if not a predator ? / @knightreim​

[knightreim]

            ` i apologize. it seems though your luck will be ending here,’ he replied, a certain degree of sincerity laced in his voice as fingers tugged at black gloves. he took a breath, closing his eyes only for a minute, as if to collect himself for the atrocities he had and would commit in the name of this wretched king. and they opened again, a cold viridescent streaking against the shadowy night. this is where he would play soldier.

            ` i have been ordered to cease rebellious movements in cheve. please do not resist arrest.’

[knightreim]

NAME: min. GENDER: nonbinary. EYE COLOUR: brown. HAIR COLOUR: blonde (i rebleached it and it’ll probably be blue soon heh) RELATIONSHIP STATUS: the. ZODIAC: aquarius. FAVOURITE COLOUR: blue / mint. FAVOURITE SEASON: autumn. FAVOURITE PLACE: my bedroom / adrian’s house. FAVOURITE HOLIDAY: i went to a trailer park for a week with adrian and it was the most exciting experience that i can remember in recent years (i went on a lot of summer holidays as a kid but i genuinely don’t remember much of them, unfortunately). FAVOURITE VIDEO GAME: it’s a tie between ib and fire emblem. LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED: uhh i was rewatching the third akito ova tbh WHAT’S YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: i really love him, he’s a huge comfort character for me and i’ve worked out some of the rough times of my life w him. i’m honestly stressed for him, i used to wake up in the middle of the night being stressed about him, but i also don’t think he’s necessarily a good person. he’s not the kind of person i’d be friends with irl, i think. in fact, i think i’d argue with him a lot, w his messy moral compass and constant repression + denial + unintentionally condescending attempts at standing at a higher moral ground. good in theory not in practice. in that sense i guess i’m more like kallen? still, he tries! WOULD YOU DATE YOUR MUSE?: no. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF THREADS?: the kinds where i get to be self indulgent and write out a particular scenario i’ve been thinking of in my head; it’s rare i get to actually write out things i’ve thought of w someone else! ARE YOU A SELECTIVE ROLE PLAYER?: yes. i don’t mean to be snobby, it’s just for my own comfort. DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE MUSE?: narrative / prose wise? it’s sesshomaru. internal thoughts are fun to write as suzaku, though. and dialogue is the best to write as grima. so it depends, i guess? WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO JOIN THE FANDOM?: the cg rp community comes and goes, unfortunately. i didn’t join the for the fandom as much as i did just to write suzaku! DO YOU SEE YOURSELF STAYING IN THE FANDOM FOR A LONG TIME?: yeah, but besides a few ppl i don’t rly engage quite as much o(--<

tagged by: lauren hehEHh tagging: The

[lifeinpoetry]

I am restless. Restless and useless. I, too, create corpses.

Sylvia Plath, from Three Women (via lifeinpoetry)

[nevermorx-deactivated20200701]

bepeu:

sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful

[a-dance-with-the-absurd]

Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.

Fyodor Dosteovsky,

Crime and Punishment 

(source)

[psychopass]

[knightreim]

a headcanon post at last abt suzaku’s mental health! i’ve kind of avoided this topic mostly because i didn’t have the words to explain his behavior but i do now, thanks to a pal! just as a disclaimer, i don’t have ocd or ptsd but i’ve discussed it quite a bit with a friend who does have ocd (she’s the one who suggested the idea hehe) so if there’s any issue with my portrayal / understanding, please don’t hesitate to tell me!

suzaku has ocd and ptsd, both stemming from experiencing the trauma of killing his father. 

ocd is described as “a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over”. basically, suzaku has obsessive thoughts, which gives him anxiety of those obsessions possibly coming true, and then copes by easing the anxiety through compulsive acts. suzaku’s major obsession is his fear of his own violence. ‘what if i hurt someone’ / ‘what if i kill someone’ / ‘what if i kill a lot of people’. it comes from the fact that he did act violently once and it resulted in an irreversible mistake. he worries about it happening again, and worse, on a larger scale. if he was capable of doing this as a child, what more is he capable of as an adult? he then copes with that fear by trying to do things that will keep those fears from becoming reality, hence his masochistic white knight complex. suzaku will try and be a good person and save as many people as he can, from keeping that obsession from coming true. and he will do so at the expense of his well being because he is evil and evil humans get punished, but he hasn’t been punished, so he is not human and therefore doesn’t deserve to live.

but obsessions are generally based on things that have not happened and likely will not happen; suzaku obsesses over both things that haven’t happened and things that already have happened -- after he realizes he’s repressed his memories of killing his father at the battle of narita, and later, after mao reads him, he has breakdowns every time he’s reminded of what he’s done. for this fearful response to a traumatic event, i think suzaku also has ptsd.

in regards to his ocd, beyond the topic of his obsession, he’s really good at appearing neurotypical (which doubles as a safety measure, given that britannia has proven to be an extremely ableist empire and would definitely treat him worse for it because he’s japanese. this adds to the conclusion that suzaku has not been diagnosed nor will he ever try to get treatment for it because the ableist culture surrounding mental illness would result it becoming a taboo topic, which then gives people little vocabulary and understanding of their mental health; even lelouch isn’t aware of his trauma based narcissism). however, he’s normalized this to the point where he doesn’t recognize when he’s out of line (eg. lelouch calls him out on his white knighting behavior, saying ‘you’re trying to protect everyone again all by yourself!’ and suzaku is absolutely unaware and asks ‘again?’; he’s not even aware he’s done it the first time around, much less the second). 

his ocd hinders his ability to achieve his goals in r1. he admits that he knew that zero was lelouch all along, but he didn’t want to admit it. but if he suspects lelouch to be zero, he falls back in the line of thought of ‘i can’t believe i’m suspecting my best friend of being a terrorist, i’m a terrible person for this’ and tries to reason away his suspicions when a lot of the series would’ve just ended if he let himself admit that he knew who zero was. the fact that his obsession (‘what if lelouch is zero’) came true kind of just validates his self destructive behavior and his ocd worsens in r2, where his role as the knight of seven is a 24/7 indulgence in his compulsions.

later, when he gives up his attempts to be a morally righteous person, it’s after he’s nuked tokyo and killed millions of people in one fell swoop. in other words, his one greatest obsessive fear -- mass murdering people -- has come true. this, in it’s own cruel way, has become his exposure response prevention therapy. it’s a therapy in which the person is forced to come to terms and face their obsessive fears, even if they’re not likely to come true, in order to nullify the fear that comes with the obsession. so now, his fear of murder has come true. there’s no need to be afraid anymore, because it’s finally happened. so if there’s no reason to be afraid of an obsession coming true, there’s no need to cope via compulsive behavior. so suzaku gives up his nice guy act -- he’s got no reason to uphold that anymore.

[knightreim]

me: dont be mean to suzaku! :-(

me also: tie his frayed edges to the tailpipe of your car and fucking floor it