Welcome to my head. @know-your-secrets - Tumblr Blog

"The era of individualism, liberalism and democracy, of humanitarianism and freedom, is nearing its end. The masses will accept with resignation the victory of the Caesars, the strong men, and will obey them."

— Spengler, 'The Decline of the West'

infected

via weheartit

irenes-tender-world

detail of painting by françois martin-kavel

cyberxbattalion

The Mirror (1975) dir. Andrei Tarkovsky

museiums

shannon elle - clouds

fictionalaffection

mayessta

I‘m really not okay. It has been a while since it last felt like this, since it got that out of hand. Right now it feels all consuming and like the one and only reality. I really am trying everything I can, everything I‘ve learned to do, but this time it doesn‘t seem to work. The numbing pain inside of me just keeps coming back in big waves, no matter what I do. I‘m even talking about it with the people who are closest to me, I‘m sharing and opening up about it, but it doesn‘t help at all. It just makes me feel worse somehow. Maybe because my soul (or the demon that controlls it again) is screaming for isolation, it‘s screaming inside of me, telling me to shut everybody out. And it costs me every little bit of strength to fight against the urge to just give up and let the depression swallow me whole. Once again I feel like I‘m facing the warm embrace of an old friend, inviting me to let go and fall into their arms. I am so exhausted from trying to fight it, I don‘t know if I can do this any longer. I need to get strong and functional again, as soon as possible. There is no time to give up, there is too much to do. But I am so fucking tired and so fucking sad and so fucking far away from myself and so fucking vulnerable. Everybody should just stay away, because I‘m too fragile, I could break so easily. I‘m so afraid to get hurt again, the last year was too much, I don‘t feel save anymore.

heheheehe fucking yolo

There‘s always a possibility that we all die randomly any day. I just want to live my life at the fullest, let my life be a movie, follow the dopamine, do whatever gives me the most joy in that moment. I think I fucking deserve that. Life is unfair and hard, why wouldn‘t you just do fucking WHATEVER.

Ok at this point I‘m not even sure anymore if I am insecure and paranoid or if I‘m actually being anxious for a reason? Is it possible that I‘m the idiot again? Now I kinda feel played. Maybe I am trying to be a girls girl, but she‘s not?

One thing‘s clear, I am probably making this worse with every step I take right now. Whenever I am in situations like this, I tend to panic and do stuff trying to make it better, but I always overdo it and end up feeling even worse.

So message to myself: STOP! NOW! Just do NOTHING! You have BETTER THINGS TO DO!! AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT!!!

what the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I can‘t pinpoint if society is at fault, rejection sensitivity disorder that comes with my adhd or if it‘s just some trauma response from my darkest days, but it‘s honestly embarrassing and annoying as fuck how insecure I am. The fact that it just disrupts my entire soul to the point where I can physically feel it inside of me, as soon as I feel even SLIGHTLY rejected.

I‘m a feminist and I really want to be a girls girl every second of my life, but it still happens so often that I feel threatened by other women. This is definitely at least partly the patriarchy’s fault, because why the fuck do I still see women as some kind of competition when it comes to the MaLE gAzE ??

The kind of power men have over women is just disgusting and not justified. I don‘t want to be longing for a fucking mans approval or affection, especially if it makes me feel like I have to compete with other women. I don‘t want to define my value over other peoples opinion of me. I don‘t want to feel jealous or envious towards girls who get more attention and shit.

I should be in a place in my life where I know who I am and how much I‘m worth. I should be fine with myself, if someone I find attractive likes me back or not. I should not feel like dying every damn time I feel „rejected“ by anyone. And I mean ANYONE?? When its about the male gaze it‘s just ridiculous and the most embarrassing, but it doesn‘t even matter who „rejects“ me or in what way, mostly it doesn‘t even count as a rejection. Still, every damn fucking time someone gives me any kind of vibe that isn‘t completely positive regarding me, I want to stop existing.

So I will ask again: WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME.

And how do I stop? Therapy obviously wasn‘t enough to get this problem solved and medication also doesn‘t change this shit. So what else could I do? I just want to live a normal life without getting hit by emotional trains that wrack me inside out all the time for NO FUCKING REASON.