Brain Bubbles Returned

For all my random thoughts.

[corvidae30]

I married a panda! Grandma's will do anything for their grandkids!

[knowledgesponge]

It's true

[knowledgesponge]

Goofin' around with people close to my heart.

[knowledgesponge]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/2nu5cvIsAFapHyP6gytG4o?si=G7YGxYNKTeaDgZ1eutCjsg)

I don’t normally like country (which is a large sin where I live, although I like it more because my darling granddaughter loves it), but this is a great song.  

Edit to add: on a side note my granddaughter has completely wrecked my Spotify lists. I am listening to my “release radar” and it is sprinkled with country music and nursery rhymes.

[knowledgesponge]

My oncologist just told me to live my life like a survivor.

I kicked cancer's ass!

[knowledgesponge]

In lighter news, I was definitely behaving like a Gramma today! I can't wait to see her in some of these cute little outfits.

[knowledgesponge]

I finished radiation, all healed up from the burns. I was heading into the final checks and any physiotherapy that might be needed. My hands are messed up from the chemo. Looking forward to hearing that "No evidence of disease" and getting on with my life. This has been a long year.

Then a few days ago Mom found a lump on my shoulder blade. It isn't going to be anything bad, because I kicked this f****r to the curb. I did have a moment where my stomach did a flip.

I went to the Dr and was sent for an x-ray, which wasn't conclusive. Now waiting for a call for a bone scan. I am probably just out of alignment. I lost both my breasts and they weren't small. I am actually re-learning my body again.

I do/did have a hint for the Dr though, she is great and honest, sometimes I may not want all the details. Even if you are just covering all the bases. If you are telling me I am just out of alignment, don't tell me you are calling the cancer center. For sure don't write "may be malignant" on the x-ray form you are sending me away with. If you have to write that, maybe fax the form to the place I am getting the x-ray at so I don't see it.

Fear is a very real thing, and I haven't learned to take it in stride yet. I understand I can't live in fear for the rest of my life, but it is going to be a process.

I am still trying to deal with "How the hell did I get here?"

[enjoythesilence771711]

[knowledgesponge]

Last day of radiation today! Yay!

All done.

[knowledgesponge]

My new fashion accessory.

[knowledgesponge]

Fashion statement at the hospital for radiation.

[knowledgesponge]

Radiation therapy #1 done. Only 27 more to go. 😳

They are doing my whole chest wall on the right side. I am a bit nervous about how I will react, will be slathering on the moisturizer!

[knowledgesponge]

So I have been demoted. Apparently I still have a job, just not the one I was doing and they wont discuss any details until I until I am medically cleared to return to work. They didnt give a reason, just they have a new strategic plan and they dont think I am the right fit.

I know they are just going to get rid of me, they dont have space for more employees and have wanted to reduce staff.

It's a kick in the face while I am down and I am having trouble with it emotionally. I am heading into radiation and don't need this shit.

[knowledgesponge]

I was going to sleep in and be a slug-a-bed this morning....possibly until noon.

Its 8:30.

*sigh*

[knowledgesponge]

My north stars at the moment. They make my heart sing.

[knowledgesponge]

Seeing the radiation oncologist tomorrow. Something I thought was not going to happen. That seems standard though. Never thought I would get a mastectomy either.

It is really hard for your brain to get used to not having body parts and it seems to be causing the occasional panic attack. I assume that is what is happening when I get such an adrenaline rush from looking at the ragged healing incisions where my breasts used to be that I get sick and lightheaded.

Over the last year cancer has been my sidekick and has killed many people I know. I feel guilty sometimes for still being alive and others not. Then rage.

I realized I will need counseling, and have set that up.

Fuck cancer.

[knowledgesponge]

Had a craving.

[knowledgesponge]

So we were told this morning that my Uncle, the man that walked me down the aisle when I married Corvidae30 is going to die. He has liver cancer and they can't treat it. It is pressing on his diaphragm, and his kidneys are already failing. He's been given days to a few weeks.

The family is gathering and everyone is an understandible mess. I am worried about my Mom, this is her little brother.

I am also feeling a bit guilty. Why do I get time and the opportunity to fight and survive, this fucking monster and he doesn't.