Ambushed!!! How to Survive a Surprise Political Conversation
Usually the hair on the back of your neck stands straight up, the spine straightens and your heart rate rises. You are already feeling defensive. Before you speak a single word, you are already losing control of the situation as your biochemistry is being affected by your fight or flight response. This person who said this is someone you respect, and you don't want a fight. However, you feel compelled to defend your point of view.
Measured words become more defensive. Tones become more aggressive. Before you know it, a full blown fight has occurred and once it hits it's inevitable crescendo, apologies are made, but the hurt carries on -- sometimes for days or weeks. The worst part is deep down, you know the cycle of abuse will continue. You will become the monster to defend yourself from a monster.
We've all been there. We all have had relationships harmed, damaged, and sometimes severed because of our passions and the passions of others. We feel right in our cause and so do your friends with different points of view. We all have asked ourselves, "Can this relationship endure? Is it worth it to remain friends? Or is this just a toxic relationship?"
It has been said, that "all politics is personal". At The Ascendant Project, we try to turn that on its head by exploring the personal to understand the politics. It is why we have an hour interview after the 750 word essay. However, when you are put on the spot, it is hard to take that exact approach. I would argue though, you have a decision to make.
Are you going to be the listener, or are you going to be the person expressing opinions? It is important to choose your role. More often than not, you will need to be the listener, because the person spouting off their mouth has already claimed the roll of expressing opinions. So you need to set your feelings aside and ask questions.
A simple, "why do you feel that way?" or "Could you expand on that?" can go a long way in letting steam out of a conversation. Try not to debate, as their mind is made up. You can also ask what is their intent in starting a conversation over such a sensitive topic as politics. The answer to that can help you exercise the biggest benefit of the role of listener: setting the ground rules of the conversation.
You can say when things are getting too personal. You can remind them that the game is back on. You can end the conversation. My favorite -- taught to me by Nick Fischer-- is "I was not prepared to have this conversation today." Always remember that nobody wins most political debates. No facts, logical arguments, or statistics will defeat feelings. The only thing that really defeats feelings and expectations is life experience, but your life experience does not beat theirs. The best you can do is remind your friend that you are an example of an average person from across the political aisle, so we obviously aren't as bad as we are portrayed, because we are friends. You can use their friendship with you to bathe their arguments in respect. Remind them that when they make it personal, it means they are having trouble respecting you and that affects the relationship.
Nobody wins a political fight between friends or family. It always hurts. Usually it is best practice to choose the role of listener.
So what happens when you visit your racist grandfather who won't shut up? Sooner or later, these tactics will fail. Sooner or later you will stand up 100% for yourself. Just always remember, you need to express to them that it is affecting your relationship and if they want to maintain relations, either views need to change or things must not be brought up.
Now let us consider that you are the one bringing up politics. Ask yourself some questions as soon as possible. You most likely have already blurted something out, but you need to ask yourself these questions anyway. "What is your intent in bringing this up? Am I trying to learn something? Am just reacting? Am I picking a fight?" What ever your intent, it is important to express it. That way, your defensive and potentially offended friend knows a little more about how to react accordingly. At worst, this means a fair fight instead of a surprise attack. At best, it means a productive discussion full of listening and respect. If possible, preface the political discussion with "I want your opinion on this: I feel this way, would you mind telling me how you feel?" Never underestimate the power of asking for permission. Finally, no matter the case, always try to limit the discussion to a single topic. Don't let it widen, keep it focused.
In summary, remember why the relationship is important to you. Make any arguments with that in mind. Relationships are fragile and you must care for them. All parties involved must remember what made the friendships and family relationships great, and focus on those things. Sometimes it is better just to deny the battle and move forward with love.
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www.theascendantproject.com
Source: Ambushed!!! How to Survive a Surprise Political Conversation
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