A poem about why I am leeching
I just want to be with you.
In the rawest sense
of that sentence.
with every single one of my 6 senses.
and to watch you, without any lenses
not even through rose-colored glasses
but you, the pure version of the atom-masses
that form this beautiful face
moving with such unique grace
and realizing I’m not sure how I got here
and here I’m sitting unbelieving this sheer
madness that even if I don’t know how
I’m with you and every day I wake up and think wow
this is what I always wanted
and it’s even more, and although I’m haunted
by my not so fairytaily past
you show me that there’s a reason to call it past
because it passed
and so will all this stress
and all this mess.
I know it’s hard
to live on a building yard
to see hundreds of this card-
board boxes, this trash, rubbish, waste
the leftover that remains
and not being able to clean that topsyturvydom
and not even knowing where it comes from
to be clueless of what to do
and how to do it
or even if there’s something to do
but you know what?
I guess it’s a fact that
it’s always improving
someday you’ll come home
and you won't need to furnish some
stuff. and even though I can't guarantee
that it will be the same with me
I can promise to do my best
to not request
so, so much attention
that there’s even tension
because of that
because I cannot let go of you
not even for 3 minutes of tobacco
because I’m so scared of not having you one day,
I want you so badly to stay
with me for a very very long time
I want so badly to do fine
to be such a perfect girlfriend
to always amend
and I guess I have to learn that it’s not realistic
even if I’m very optimistic
I will hurt you one day
but you’ll hurt me, too and that’s okay.
You will hurt me
and that already
said Saint-Exupery
that this is the very condition of existence
presence, accepting the risk of absence
and it’s hard and it will be harder
but I will get further
every day
you tell me I’m okay
I start to believe you more and more
and even if I’m still quite sore
still anxious of this huge thing
that sometimes I cringe
I’m gettin back
step by step
to my girly
romantic fantasy
that true love exists
and through weird twists
I found it.
and that my dear is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever got.
and I’m babbling a lot
but how I told you yesterday
love’s not accepting just okay
it leaves us striving for a better version
of ourselves, without any weapon
but I gave that one already to you
so now that’s me, nude
and I guess that’s all I have right now
and even though how I told, you’re wow
and I’m not feeling
like competing
but I’m striving to be a wow too
not even a wow for you
but a wow for me.
to look in the mirror and see
the best version that I can be
and you are making me.
with every compliment
every suggestion for improvement
every criticism
shutting down my alarmism
living altruism
is and aphorism
so I want to do exactly that
get as tidy as our flat
and sorting out the chaos in my mind
to relax, unwind,
get rid of the mess
disband the gloominess
and believe in us.
- Kim L. , 28.12.2018
