So for the past year or so, Iāve been in an unconscious rut. Iāve been happy, more or less, but always anticipating something. More like forever being wary of the future. Not necessarily negatively, though I feel that more often than not.
Iām quite an intense person. Not so much in my speech and personality, though I do tend to trail off to whever my thoughts land at times. Kind of like those school TVs on screensaver mode, where you wait and wait until that satiafying du-dun when the screensaver ball hits the corner. That's my mind in a goldfish bowl.
But I digressā¦ as Iāve told you. Iāve forever been waiting for something to happen, but on guard for when it comes. Ready to give it a shove, because of course its the wrong time. The āwrongā week because Iām my period, or have a coldsore, or Iām just... tired.
This universal quantifier (Iām trying to remember that concept) was my mind process pushing things way. I have a slight pleasntry of using the word 'wasā, because this week Iāve been reading a lot, and thinking about why things happen. The only difference is, Iām giving myself slack, because Iām conscious of not to overdo it this time.
Tim says I go through phases, and I do. Intensely, so much to the point where I hate what Iām doing, but it satisfies me to do it. Take running; this time last year I was confident with my body, my toned legs and flat stomach, because I worked hard. But when I didn't work hard (5am runs for 3 miles daily before work), it was a backstep for me. It was a weakness, a failure of sorts.
Nowadays, I've filled out a bit. I have pudges here and there, and I donāt run anymore. But Iām getting happy. No, Iām fullfilling myself. Iām getting back into my 17 year old self without the anxiety, the depression and self loathing. Iām reaching back and pulling up what mattered - my passion. My motivation not because of guilt, but because it rounds my overall wellbeing.
I like being, and I like being well. Iāve been happy this week, genuiely in myself. I just thought that writing this post on the train home, should put a pin in it.
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