Texts 2 Dad

[kparrott34]

Dad sometimes the pain is unbearable. Sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t think of or do anything else. Sometimes I just want to run away, I’ll do just about anything to escape it.

I can’t believe I’ll never see you again…. It still very much does not feel like real life. What even is real life? Nothing feels real to me anymore. I either feel eminence pain or nothing at all.

I wish I had more support. I feel completely in this alone. No one knows what to say to me… and I don’t blame them. But I miss my dad. I miss you a lot. And nothing will fix it or make it better. I just want my dad

[kparrott34]

I just really miss you a lot today dad… I can’t really say much else. It hurts too much today to form words

[kparrott34]

Hey dad

Some days are okay and I forget and some days are just miserable and God awful. Today is one of those awful days.

I blacked out my car, I think you would think it looks pretty cool, even though I know you like chrome.

Mom was actually nice to me yesterday… can you believe that? She told me she was grateful for me and I help her a lot. I know….. I never expected it either. Today I’ve been really irritable and short, because I’m really hurting. I miss you a lot. I can’t believe you’re gone. It just doesnt seem fair.

Why didn’t God heal you? I thought he promised? How do you know when gods promising you? What’s the point of prayer?

All these questions rattle my head daily. You were the person I love the most in the world. I feel like I’m in the ocean without a light house. You were my lighthouse. You were my true north. You always directed me back when I was getting off track. Everything I ever did was with you in mind.

Man, I loved you dad. I still do. I thought you could do no wrong, I thought I’d take care of you when you got old. I dreamed about you walking me down the isle someday, playing with the kids I never wanted lol, just being around for it all. I dont understand why it was “your time” or whatever. What does that even mean? Is that even true?

All I know is that my heart is shattered and I am in physical pain every single day. And I don’t think it will ever get better. Because I love you so much.

I hope you really love heaven and you’re at rest watching the Red Sox and taking a nap on the comfiest couch with grandpa.I hope you’re with Bailey and ginger, I hope grandma Gail is bringing you your favorite dinner. I hope the second you got to heaven you got to see your dad. I wish I asked you more questions about what it was like to lose him. I could really use your help right about now.

I’d give anything to hug you again dad. I love you so much. Talk soon.

[kparrott34]

Hey dad

How’s heaven? Did you do anything fun today?

Today Chris Clemons became a Boston Celtic… who would have thought???

As soon as I heard you were the first person I wanted to tell. But I’m sure you already know.

I think I miss the small moments the most. Just hanging out with you and telling you any little sports anything I heard just to impress you and talk with you.

I still can’t believe you’re gone. It all happened so fast.

I’m taking care of things here just like I promised. Trying to fix the shower though…. That’s a tough job but I’ll figure it out. I don’t know how I’m going to leave mom to do this all on her own eventually. I wish you were still here.

Your memorial service is coming up. I don’t really want to go… is that bad? Will I regret it if I don’t?

I don’t think I can handle it dad. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I always knew you’d die young but not this young. Not this soon. Not before a get married, establish a career, start my life…

But because of you I’ll have all my student loans paid off. And that’s a huge gift I know you always wanted to give me. I know it provided you stress and anxiety, even if you didn’t have the words for it.

I miss you like crazy. Everyone is so hard on me here. Grace was a jerk to me today, mom never checks in on me, I’m drained from taking care of Bella…. My whole life is upside down.

I feel like I don’t even get a chance to grieve. I miss you. I’ll say it out loud every day until I die.

I miss you I miss you I miss you.

Please come see me in my dreams tonight. I just want to hug you again. I love you dad.

Tell noni and grandma and Kim I say hello. And that I miss them too

[kparrott34]

I just really really REALLY miss you dad

[kparrott34]

I wish I could look on find my friends and know where you are, Dad. What you’re doing, what you’re seeing. If you really are able to watch over me…

I miss you a lot today dad. And I feel really sorry for myself. I really hate this world that has become my life. I’m questioning my religion, my faith, my belief in anything honestly.

I’ve never felt so far from God. And I know that’s the last thing you would want but I just have so many questions and there are so many things I don’t understand. I just miss you, dad. I don’t understand how I’m never going to see you on this earth again.

I don’t understand how my life got here. I don’t understand how this happened to ME. You never ever think it’s going to happen to you.

I can’t believe you’re gone. I’m in pain every day, dad. Sometimes it physically hurts so much I can’t bare it. In the moments I feel a little okay are the moments I forget you’re gone. They’re the moments I think you’re just out doing something and you’ll be home soon.

How am I supposed to never see you again? How do you prepare for something like that?

I’m still in disbelief that this is my life. I just want my dad. I miss you, dad. I love you. You were the best dad I ever could have asked for.

[kparrott34]

Hey dad. My “word of the year” this year was victory. I was declaring victory over my depression, over my career choices, I was going to get everything figured out this year. But this year I quit another job, lost two relatives and you. I will never understand how to do this life without you. I will never understand why God didn’t heal you. I will never understand why my life is this way now. I’ll never understand how to fill this deep dark hole in me that only continues to get bigger and deeper.

I’m in pain, dad. And I’ve never felt pain like this before. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I miss you, dad. Sometimes I catch a glimpse that this is my actual real life reality and It hurts so bad I almost black out.

I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this, dad. I’m handling it all on my own… but the more I talk the more real it is. I just want to hug you again, dad. I miss you.

[kparrott34]

Why didn’t God heal my dad?

[kparrott34]

Hey dad. People have officially stopped checking in on me. I’m not doing well. I keep seeing your name on Facebook and in things around the home or my apartment… I’m so tired of it. I’m punched in the gut a million times a day.

Jenn posted something to Snapchat today about kims service and how they remembered you and noni… I know you hate Jenn. And I really badly want to tell her about how she never spoke to you at nonis funeral… and how she never cared about you and it’s so wrong to pretend she does now.

I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe you’re gone. I still can’t believe it. I’m overcome with grief but it still doesnt feel real somehow? I hate this. I hate that you’re gone. I hate that God didn’t heal you.

I feel like I’ve lost everything. You were my best friend, I’m mad at God, I’m mad at the world… I have to stay strong for everyone. It’s too much. I just wish mom would lay off me some… I just need a break from this reality. And a break never comes.

I wish more people would reach out to me. I feel so alone.

I miss you, dad

[kparrott34]

Hey dad

Life has been pretty sucky since you’ve been gone. Mom keeps telling me she doesn’t want me to give up my life for her but I know that’s just her pride… I know she needs the help, I know she wants the help…. She just doesn’t want anyone to know she “needs” anything. I also don’t want all my responsibility to fall on grace. How on earth can I leave them? I know you want me to be there and suck it up and take care of everything, and I will. But I wish mom would just be thankful for me once.

I miss you, dad

[kparrott34]

Hey dad. I got a new window perch for Calvin today. The other one broke again. I almost sent it in the group chat today, for a split second I forgot you were gone.

Did you know I named Calvin for you? Named after your favorite comic Calvin and Hobbes. I always wanted you in every decision I made, even if it made me feel stupid to tell you.

I miss you, dad