BREATHE

we didn't start the fire. it was always burning, since the world's been turning

[kpbk]

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The rocking chair’s feet digging itself on his back was painful. Once, at least. Hours before, when pain made some sense. Now the digging was just that: digging. Pointy pressure on his skin, amongst so many other sensations he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. 

His first instinct was to fight. Bill would be proud. Maybe. Richie opened his eyes and wondered around in grey water until he could feel it in his pores. Palmed through every stone on the walls, trying his best not to think of the hundreds of kids floating above him. His breath came in shallow gasps and perhaps this was what Eddie felt when his lungs seemed to constrict.

IT didn’t show up at the start. Not completely, at least. Just little sounds, childlike music and giggles to keep him on edge. Richie was way on edge. That was how all those children felt before dying? It seemed a promising future. 

Minutes went by. Hours. It got dark, only a thing ray of moonlight seeping through the vent. It made him uneasy. The waiting made him uneasy. Richie didn’t like to wait. He liked things quick and ready, no second thoughts.

Then the wolf came. It began with growling, low and distant, but enough to make every hair on Richie’s arm raise. He couldn’t see well with cracked glasses and that was unsettling. 

Once the growling got close enough for him to make out the shape (and scoot backwards into the tower of children’s things), he wish it didn’t. 

‘Wanna play, Richie? I got all my best toys out for you. We got all the time in the world!’

“My friends will come!”, Tozier yelled, no humour to cover up the frantic despair in his voice.

‘Awn, we both know they won’t. You haven’t spoken in weeks. Truth is they don’t care where you are. You are gone and that’s awesome for them!’, IT giggled. The werewolf sat in front of him and Richie could smell its dirty fur. ‘It’s great for us, really.’, it suddenly sounded like Eddie and his heart shattered instantly. ‘There’s only so much of your ridiculous self one can take before tossing you away’

‘Not even your mom came looking for you’, he could pratically hear the fake pout. ‘That says a whole bunch about you, huh?’

It did. Even if he hated each word spoken (or maybe just heard inside his head), the damn clown was right. Richie Tozier would not be missed. Why would he? Class clown, foul mouthed dick. His friends were fine without him. Hell, he and Bill got into a fist fight because Richie didn’t want anymore of this clown shit! Why would any of them even think about him again? 

‘You won’t be lonely here, Richie. I got so many friends for you.’

-

The sound of the door opening to splashing footsteps was deafening in the previously quiet chamber. Richie didn’t move a muscle as whatever arrived moved around. It was brighter now, even if it didn’t mean much underground. 

“Richie? It’s me. Eddie.”

Had it been any of the losers, maybe his reaction would be other. His glassy eyes suddenly moved, focusing on the boy in front of him. Fuck Pennywise and his dirty tricks. Richie was not falling for them again. He recoiled, movements taunt and rigid. 

It wasn’t Eddie. Eddie wouldn’t be in the sewers, clean and tidy Eddie, who hated getting dirty. He wouldn’t go into the sewers, not for anyone in the whole world. Specially Richie. (they know your secret. he knows your secret and can’t wait to get rid of someone broken and ill like you)

When Eddie was four, his father had taken him to a dog shelter near Derry. He didn’t remember much, which was to say he didn’t remember anything. He had been four, after all. But his father had taken pictures, long gone yellow for the years passed. Sometimes he enjoyed grabbing old albums and going through the memories; Those were the only times his Ma didn’t mind the dust, the only times she didn’t scare him off while talking about allergies. Eddie knew she liked the pictures just as he did and perhaps that was one of the reasons why, even with all things considered, he still loved his mother. She liked the pictures, too.

There had been a puppy too scared to move, too scared to approach them. Eddie had tried to calm him down and, as a child would, funnily called out to him. The puppy didn’t move, Eddie did not manage to convince him to come closer.

For some reason, the sight before his eyes brought up the memories engraved in those photographs. He remembered the puppy and his weak attempts to make contact. 

But that was no puppy and he was not four. Eddie could see, even with the lack of light, the bruises on Richie’s skin and he could see blood. He tried a few steps in Tozier’s direction. He was recoiling, as if he could disappear. Please, don’t disappear, Eddie wanted to say but knew how childish it would sound.

“You’re safe now.”, a few more steps and yes, he was definitely seeing blood. “We’ve come to take you back, Rich, it’s okay.”, Eddie heard a chuckle from behind him and looked back to find nothing. He was shaking head to toes. “IT won’t hurt you now, I promise, okay?”

There was another chuckle. “Please, please don’t hide.”, and to think he promised himself he wouldn’t cry.

The clown was mocking him. Mocking them. Richie’s pain was comedy to IT and Eddie wished he could be as brave as Bill to stand up and fight IT, to do something, anything. He wished he could be as brave as Bill, so he tried to be.

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not good enough > not good at all

Things had been quiet for a week now. It should be good, really. Quiet meant no giant Paul Bunyan statue, no freaky clowns. Quiet meant all of his pocket money was being spent on arcade tokens and Richie had never been better at Street Fighter (even though playing it still felt like everyone was staring at him and whispering behind his back). He came home before the curfew and spent his nights reading comics until sleep claimed him. Quiet meant safe and that should be enough.

It wasn’t, though. It was dull. Quiet meant no chicken fights at the Quarry, no clubhouse meetings, no hammock fights. Quiet meant no Losers. Yeah, fine, Richie missed them. Bev’s smoke breaks, Ben’s quick logic, Mike’s gentleness, Stan’s showercaps, hell, even Bill’s ridiculous stutter. (Missing Eddie should be mentioned too, after all he was a Loser. However, that feeling itself took up such a big part of Richie’s heart he would rather pretend it didn’t exist rather than choking on his feelings.)

It was Bill’s fault. Stupid, heroic Bill and his unbent will on avenging Georgie and saving more kids. Perhaps if Richie wasn’t a single child he could understand the sheer protectiveness that came upon having a sibling so much younger than yourself. What he did understand though, and that alone was enough to make him have second thoughts about the whole fight, was the feeling of loving someone so much you are willing to risk everything for them.

“You do know that feeling well, don’t you, Richie?”

His steps halted immediatelly. The Arcade was at the city center, where it should be populated enough for him to mishear things. Richie was not there yet. No, he was still in Derry’s residential part, bitterly kicking small stones with his beat up sneakers.There wasn’t a single soul on the street and that alone should be enough to alert anyone. Not Richie with ADHD, thank you very much.

“Have you ever loved someone you could just diiiiiie for them, hm?”

He stood at a crossroad. Witcham and Jackson Streets. A chill ran down his spine.

“Well, dying like that wouldn’t be fun. How about dying in Street Fighter, huh?”, a giggle echoed. “You can die as many times as you want as long as you have coins, right kiddo?”

His throat seemed to swell. It wasn’t easy to know where the voice came from. There was only one place for It to be. A leaflet flew from the sewer drain. It flipped midair, splatting on Richie’s chest without a sound. It took less than a second for him to know exactly what was written. Hell, he had been having nightmares about it for weeks. 

M I S S I N G 

RICHIE TOZIER

13 YEARS OLD

“You don’t need coins to keep dying down here, Richie. You can float too!”, a glove emerged from the drain, dirty and somehow furry. Richie screeched, smushing the poster against his chest. 

“You’ll be the one dying when we get you. You know we’re coming, right? We know where you’re hiding, it wasn’t that hard. Easier than playing Clue with my mom. That’s ‘cause you’re sloppy.”, Richie snickered. “You’re just a sloppy bitch.”

Where the fuck came the nerve to say such things was a question Richie asked himself quite frequently. However, it had never made that much sense before. The clown seemed to get angrier, as if the roar that echoed from the drain and the glove tearing itself to shreds as the hand evolved into very sharp claws. 

“You like playing games, you fag?”, Richie winced at the word, feet suddenly moving backwards. “Let’s play then”

It took less than a second. He didn’t have time to even turn his head and run. One minute he was insulting a killer entity and the other sharp claws were firmly clutching his leg. His poor balance never stood a chance. A painful yelp left his throat. Richie tried (failed) to crawl back, nail digging painfully at the sidewalk as another clawed-hand grabbed onto his other leg and pulled hard. His sobs felt muted, choked on his breathless throat. Laughter echoed around his ears as the drain seemed to engulf him and his vision went black.

wake up,

Nine. Eddie woke up and brushed his teeth. He took a very careful shower as to not get his cast wet. It was hot outside.

Nine thirty. Eddie read comics. There was nothing for him to do. His Ma had already told him not to leave the house. It was too hot, the sun was too bright. He had already gone out to the pharmacy the day before.

Ten. Eddie was bored, but he also felt weird. He wanted to see his friends.

Ten thirty. Eddie remembered the leper in the downstairs area of the pharmacy and felt a bit sick. There had been no interactions with IT since then. He wondered if the others were okay. He wondered if he would be seeing them soon.

Eleven. Eddie ate lunch and decided for a nap. It took him a long time to fall asleep.

Two. Eddie woke up and thought weirdly of Richie. He felt uneasy again, his throat went dry and the urge to see his friend made him almost dizzy. He sat up on the bed, there was a sheet of paper laying on his desk. Eddie stood up and took it in his hands, he blinked a few times. He felt like throwing up.

Two. Eddie picked up the phone and ran for his bike. Screamed something he would later regret at his Ma, but Eddie Kaspbrak didn’t care, all he cared about was a body (no, a person, a person!) taken to the sewers.

-

As he stepped through the grey water of the sewers, he wondered briefly about what had led them there. He didn’t understand well why it had to be them in the first place. What sadistic fucker had seen their group of losers and decided it was them against the biggest force of evil? Well, if not against evil itself. It was rather unfair and it scared him a bunch. But at least they still stood; perhaps because the universe needed them for some stupid battle, perhaps because they had just gotten lucky. Perhaps it was just a matter of phrasing; They stood, for now.

Stan was fine and Eddie cried. Tears of relief and tiredness. As he hugged Stanley and tried to brush the blood away from his face the best and most tender way possible, Eddie realized there would be no victory in the end. Even if they were to survive, there was no celebrating what was already broken. There was no cheering for the lost. He thought of Georgie and he thought of Richie.

Richie.

Eddie stood up and was mesmerized for a second or two. Was this what had happened to Stan? Probably. He still went for the guttural feeling, he went for the dark and the twists and turns of the sewers. Eddie left his friends behind in what was most likely a ploy by Pennywise, a plot to take him and make him float; to take the weakest one out. He still walked, still searched and he dared not cry anymore as crying would do him no good.

He saw him then. Richie. And above him, dozens of kids floating.

Eddie choked, but he didn’t cry.

That was the boy he had laughed and cried with. The boy who had wanted to be his friend, even if he carried around his own weight in medicine. That was the boy who joked with him and shared his Rockets, the one who made him laugh the happiest. And that was exactly what he was: just a boy, a kid. Eddie loved him so. That was the boy with whom he had fought so much it would have ended any friendship, any friendship but their own, for they had been close from the start. Had been one from the start. The boy with whom he had shared hammers and the one who saw him for who he was.

Eddie wondered if there was such a thing as a fate worse than death.

“Richie? It’s me. Eddie.”

He didn’t even recognize his own voice.

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“Well, we are.” Eddie said, ending the chance of a come back from Molly. He was being final as he held Richie’s hands back just as strongly. He wanted to fucking scream at the absurdity of the situation they were in. The situation he had put them in. Eddie could barely comprehend the words spoken by his friend, as he dared not believe them. Fuck, he had been very wrong to come up with the idea of fake dating in the first place. “It was nice seeing you, Molly.”, he managed a smile.

He should just cancel the whole damn thing and leave. He was well aware of that. He should just thank Richie for everything he was doing, for being a good friend and just make it fucking stop before it managed to get any worse. Well, knowing all that didn’t mean he was going to do it. Eddie kept on holding onto Richie’s hand as he walked for the couch. It was empty and a few minutes of shared whispers would be welcomed.

Eddie acted on it before anything else, putting his arm around Richie’s shoulder. “Do you want to leave?”, he asked and he was close, his own arm bringing them proximity. He could smell the aroma of Richie’s cologne and for some reason it made him want to cry.

“My family is something else, I shouldn’t have asked you to do this.” he was looking around the room. Most of the faces there sickened him. “I’ll make it up to you, Rich, I swear.”, but in a sad, pathetic way, he was also glad. Glad to be spending Christmas Eve with someone he loved and that loved him back, the way one is supposed to love and be loved. “I promise.”

Richie could feel the anxiety rolling off of Eddie like waves as they left Molly and retreated to the couch. Their proximity as Eddie whispered was doing wonders to his heart. How could Richie ever think they could pretend to be together and not get completely wrecked? It was all he had ever wanted them to be, hanging right in front of his nose and he was supposed to play along. Of course it would wreck him to the bone.

“Do you want to leave?”, Richie retorted. “I’ve been handling Kaspbraks for years, even though it’s usually just a certain cutie.”, his lips formed a teasing grin, an attempt to ease the tension. “I’m not going anywhere. Unless you don’t wanna deal with them anymore. Then I’m all up for getting the shit out of here.”, he shrugged. It took a lot to scare Rich away these days. Perhaps years of Bowers’ dictatorship had finally sunken in. A bunch of old hags being homophobic was a bitch, sure, but he could handle that just fine.

“Oh, will you?”, his tone was playful. Richie knew Eddie felt bad about their little scheme. It made him want to comfort the smaller boy in some way he had no idea how to do. So Rich turned to the infamous Richie Tozier Way Of Avoiding Angst: pathetic humour and inuendos. “I’m hard to please, Eds. But I’ll tell you what.”, Richie had a shit-eating grin on his face. “I do have a soft spot for cute patooties, so I think you’ll be fine”

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“I do, but I can’t. It’ll be worse if I leave.”, it was downright pathetic how he could fail to do something as simple as pretend to be dating the boy he was in love with since day one. Okay, fine, not exactly day one, but day ten sounded right. He chuckled, “Yeah, whatever, you call it and I’ll see if it’s safe and sanitary enough.”, Eddie looked over to where his mother stood. She had her eyes on him, or so he thought at first; but no, she had her eyes on Richie. Eddie’s blood boiled, how dare his mother loathe someone who made him so incredibly, so amazingly happy? His hold on Tozier’s shoulders were firm, but he eventually retreated his arm to hold Richie’s with both of his, laying his head on his best friend’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Rich.” he mumbled softly, eyes on where their skins touched, Kaspbrak family forgotten. He was about to say something else, but his phone gave out a funny noise indicating a notification by sms. Eddie took the device from his back pocket. U ok, Eddie? this is a bad idea you fool, what would u call it if i asked Bev or Stan to fake date me for a family thing? a bad idea ffs text me back. Fuck. Eddie put away his phone as quickly as he could, hoping to all things good that Richie hadn’t been fast enough to read the text. He was going to fucking murder Bill.

Their proximity didn’t help, Eddie felt his skin burn.

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Richie was going to be the end of him.

And it was his own goddamn fault.

Eddie could feel his hands tremble and decided it was best to hold Richie’s, he didn’t mind the latter noticing just how shaky he was. There had been a time when Sonia had had a huge impact on his life, on his well-being. A time when she had had him on a leash, dictating his every thoughts and actions. The Losers had been there to witness the mental torture, the manipulation. They had also been there to witness the breaking point of their fucked-up relationship, which could easily be diagnosed as Munchausen syndrome by proxy. Eddie wasn’t ashamed of how his mother still made him feel: scared and scarred. And by doing what he was doing, they were reaching another breaking point. There was no going back from it, from this. Eddie was glad, but a very rational fear still lingered. So, no, he didn’t care if Richie noticed how much he trembled.

It was nice to feel kind gestures that held no threats behind, even if it was make-believe. They didn’t necessarily need to have a romantic relationship for Eddie to know, to be sure, to hold in his heart the fact that Richie would never demand him anything, neither would the others. He had found solace in their group of misfits, his feelings for Richie, perhaps, had just been something he didn’t manage to control.

With thousands of thoughts running through his head, Eddie managed to chuckle at Molly’s words. She was a funny little woman and he was glad for the way she reacted since nobody in that room had previously known about his sexuality, not even Molly.

Another chuckle, now a nervous one, escaped his lips as he looked at Tozier. Fuck if he wasn’t one fine fucking piece of an actor. “I’d hope so, considering you’re dating me.”, another freaked out chuckle.

Molly snorted and grabbed a beer can from the table, “Oh, cut the crap, Ed, you may fool your Mama-Bear over there but not good old Molly. I’ve seen shit, boy.”, she held her finger up high, “You ain’t dating.”, she looked at him for quite some time and then did the same to Richie, “But you should.”

“For fuck’s sake, Molly, of course we are dating.”, he half-whispered as his cheeks reddened.

“Sure you are.”

Molly’s words hit him like a truck. Richie blinked at her, unsure of how to react. Had they not been convincing enough? Perhaps Eddie’s nervous laughter did them in, perhaps it was how on edge Richie felt with Eddie’s every touch. It didn’t matter. Eddie had asked for one thing and damn if Richie wasn’t going to do his best to make him happy. 

He took the smaller boy’s trembling hands on his own (was he making Eddie nervous? He hoped he hadn’t gone too far). “I don’t know what you’re talking about, ma’am.”, Richie looked genuine. “I’ve been in love with Eds since I was 8.”

It slipped. It truly did. Of course, it helped them mantaining the boyfriend image but it also hit home. The funny thing was that, besides calling Eddie his boyfriend, everything Richie said was true. And that thought alone made his heart flutter nervously.

“Oh I do believe you. That’s why I’m telling ya. You should date.”, Molly snorted. She seemed amused at the two nervous boys, while calmy sipping on her beer. 

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“Well, we are.” Eddie said, ending the chance of a come back from Molly. He was being final as he held Richie’s hands back just as strongly. He wanted to fucking scream at the absurdity of the situation they were in. The situation he had put them in. Eddie could barely comprehend the words spoken by his friend, as he dared not believe them. Fuck, he had been very wrong to come up with the idea of fake dating in the first place. “It was nice seeing you, Molly.”, he managed a smile.

He should just cancel the whole damn thing and leave. He was well aware of that. He should just thank Richie for everything he was doing, for being a good friend and just make it fucking stop before it managed to get any worse. Well, knowing all that didn’t mean he was going to do it. Eddie kept on holding onto Richie’s hand as he walked for the couch. It was empty and a few minutes of shared whispers would be welcomed.

Eddie acted on it before anything else, putting his arm around Richie’s shoulder. “Do you want to leave?”, he asked and he was close, his own arm bringing them proximity. He could smell the aroma of Richie’s cologne and for some reason it made him want to cry.

“My family is something else, I shouldn’t have asked you to do this.” he was looking around the room. Most of the faces there sickened him. “I’ll make it up to you, Rich, I swear.”, but in a sad, pathetic way, he was also glad. Glad to be spending Christmas Eve with someone he loved and that loved him back, the way one is supposed to love and be loved. “I promise.”

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Eddie was a damn fine actor.

He wasn’t when they were younger and had to bullshit their way through adults trying to keep them away from the Barrens. Bill always got them all out of trouble, because apparently there was something so honest and pure about a stuttering boy who looked like an angel. The few times Eddie and Richie had been caught by adults on the Barrens by themselves it was Richie and his trashmouth who got them out. He talked until said grownup got tired and shoo-ed them away. Eddie started to stutter, which only seemed honest in Big Bill’s case, and anyone could call bullshit. 

Not this time though. There was no stutter, no guilty looks as the smaller boy turned to Richie with pure adoration on his eyes. How could anyone be so good at faking this? Tozier’s eyes widened as the other landed a small peck on his cheek. Eddie’s words from earlier were clear on his mind: “no kissing”. Eddie himself looked taken aback by his own actions. Fuck, it would mess up their plan and Richie would be damned if he couldn’t at least pretend to be the boyfriend he always wanted to be. 

Their silent exchange lasted a few seconds only, enough for them to acknowledge each other’s surprise. Richie acted quickly, though. The arm around his friend tightened and he planted a kiss on top of Eddie’s head, a silent “screw that” to their no kissing rule. He could only pray Eddie didn’t notice the way his heart was hammering on his chest. (You’re gonna regret this so much later when you’re alone in bed and all the make believe is done and you’re back to being the funny friend)

Suddenly he was being pulled and there was a much less terrifying middle-aged woman in front of them. She looked conformed to spend her holliday with her family, but still had a kind smile on her face, kinder than any Kaspbrak (besides Eddie, of course) seemed to be able to be. 

Richie shook her hand and grinned at her firm hold. It didn’t feel threatening at all, just something to match her personality. It was a bit funny since Molly was half his height. 

“Glad to hear you’re keeping Ed here away from Sonia’s claws”, she snorted then turned at Eddie. “Proud of you sticking up for yourself, kiddo.”, Molly winked and patted Eddie’s shoulders with affection. 

“I hope you’re good for our boy, Richie. Otherwise I may have to hunt you down with a hunting knife”, she smiled lovingly, but her words left no room for jokes. This woman liked her cousin very much and Richie was screwed if he fucked up (how could he even fuck up something that wasn’t real?). 

“I’ll be the best boy”, a smug smile crept up to his lips. “No hunting knives needed.”, Richie chuckled. “I do like him very much”, he concluded, softly looking at Eddie. Fuck, had he gone too far? 

Richie was going to be the end of him.

And it was his own goddamn fault.

Eddie could feel his hands tremble and decided it was best to hold Richie’s, he didn’t mind the latter noticing just how shaky he was. There had been a time when Sonia had had a huge impact on his life, on his well-being. A time when she had had him on a leash, dictating his every thoughts and actions. The Losers had been there to witness the mental torture, the manipulation. They had also been there to witness the breaking point of their fucked-up relationship, which could easily be diagnosed as Munchausen syndrome by proxy. Eddie wasn’t ashamed of how his mother still made him feel: scared and scarred. And by doing what he was doing, they were reaching another breaking point. There was no going back from it, from this. Eddie was glad, but a very rational fear still lingered. So, no, he didn’t care if Richie noticed how much he trembled.

It was nice to feel kind gestures that held no threats behind, even if it was make-believe. They didn’t necessarily need to have a romantic relationship for Eddie to know, to be sure, to hold in his heart the fact that Richie would never demand him anything, neither would the others. He had found solace in their group of misfits, his feelings for Richie, perhaps, had just been something he didn’t manage to control.

With thousands of thoughts running through his head, Eddie managed to chuckle at Molly’s words. She was a funny little woman and he was glad for the way she reacted since nobody in that room had previously known about his sexuality, not even Molly.

Another chuckle, now a nervous one, escaped his lips as he looked at Tozier. Fuck if he wasn’t one fine fucking piece of an actor. “I’d hope so, considering you’re dating me.”, another freaked out chuckle.

Molly snorted and grabbed a beer can from the table, “Oh, cut the crap, Ed, you may fool your Mama-Bear over there but not good old Molly. I’ve seen shit, boy.”, she held her finger up high, “You ain’t dating.”, she looked at him for quite some time and then did the same to Richie, “But you should.”

“For fuck’s sake, Molly, of course we are dating.”, he half-whispered as his cheeks reddened.

“Sure you are.”

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Even to her own family, Sonia Kaspbrak was a force to be reckoned with. The sheer irritation laced with every word that left her mouth would probably make anyone wince at least. Richie knew Eddie wasn’t immune to that, however, his stance never failed even for a second. 

His hand tightened around his friend as Sonia talked about the Tozier boy. The disgut was blatant and perhaps Richie should be bothered by it (in truth, he was), but he remained unbothered. The thing about being Eddie’s friend for almost their entire lives was that Mrs. K was bound to dislike you. It was unsettling at first, of course, what have you done wrong besides playing with her son? (oh he knew exactly what he had done wrong. She hated him more than the others, that much Richie knew. It felt as if everytime she stared him down she could see his intentions, the secret he kept from everyone)

Sonia looked livid as Eddie properly adressed the elephant in the room. Somewhere behind them there was choking, which made the situation a bit funnier. Richie decided to tag along Eddie in this innocent facade. “Good to see you, Mrs. K.”, he smiled sweetly. 

The words looked like they were on the tip of Sonia’s tongue. Whatever hateful comment she had, they would never know. The room seemed divided between the mother-son showdown and the choking aunt. Even without the whole family’s attention, it would be an even bigger scandal and that certainly wasn’t in Mrs. K’s plans. The vein on her forehead looked like it was about to burst. 

“Eddie, we talked about this before. You’re confused, sweetie. And you also shouldn’t bring anyone home without telling me first.”, the passive-agressiveness in her tone jumped out. Richie felt his blood boil at the comment. If he had a dollar each time he heard about their “confusion”, him and Eddie would be far from Derry by now. 

“It’s actually my fault, Mrs. K.”, Richie intervened. Maybe he was talking about the confusion or the unwanted invitation. Who knew? “I wanted to spend Christmas with Eddie”, he shrugged. 

“I think you’re the one who’s confused, Ma.”, aunt Janet was being given a glass of water and Eddie was pretty sure nobody would have come to her rescue so quickly had she not been standing near the fucking show going down between him and his mother. “I live here, too. Richie can come whenever he wants.”

Eddie got quiet while listening to the words spoken by his friend. He looked up in such a tender way it would be impossible for anyone in the room to see through their make-believe. It was fucking impossible not to fall in love with him a bit more every single day. “Hey, I wanted to spend Christmas with you, too.”, he said without realizing what he was about to do, “Today’s about family, right?”, and he tiptoed enough to kiss Richie’s cheek.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And then he froze. Eddie had fucking broken his own fucking stupid rule. He was mad at himself for having done that in such a situation. Kissing Richie’s cheek wasn’t supposed to happen in moments of pure stress. Sure, he had done it before, it wasn’t the end of the fucking world, but still. He had never done it while they pretended to be a couple.

For once, Sonia was speechless and Eddie honestly feared a slap. It didn’t come, but he was sure it was simply because she didn’t want to bring more attention to their conversation, as if the room wasn’t completely quiet already.

And then he saw Molly standing by the window.

“I’ll go introduce him to the rest of the family.”, Eddie managed to say and pulled Richie with him to where she was, leaving Sonia behind. He thanked all things good in the world for aunt Ruth for a second, for how her stay would make him sleep over at Bill’s for at least two more nights.

“Sonia’s giving you a hard time, boy?”, Molly was around his mother’s age, but how old she was was never really discussed. She was short and liked drinking beer through the can. She was possibly the nicest person in the family, if not the only nice one (uncle Steve could be alright, be Molly was great). Her green eyes looked over at Richie, “Why don’t you introduce me to your eye candy, Ed?”

“This is Richie. Richie, this is Molly, she’ll slice your head off if you call her aunt.”, Molly chuckled.

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The sight of aunt Ruth almost choking on her own spit was memorable. Richie wanted to laugh at the look of pure confusion and panic etched onto her face, but resigned to a small smile. Truly Richie couldn’t be prouder of Eddie. He knew how brave his friend could be. His mother, however, had always been a touchy subject. This blatant defiance was something Eddie achieved on his own and dam if Rich wasn’t going to do his best to help him out (literally).

Tozier smiled sweetly at the perplexed woman, pointly ignoring her reaction. Richie almost broke his facade though as Eddie’s arm circled around his. It was a well-known proximity, but it reminded the boy of the role he had to play. He wasn’t there just to meet some lovely Kaspbraks.

Speaking of them, Eddie’s collection of aunts and uncles looked straight out of a 90′s movie. Richie hid a giggle behind his hand while being told about the vegetarian scandal. Said aunt smiled brightly at the sight of Eddie (Rich couldn’t blame her) and quickly approached her nephew, hugging him tightly. Richie wasn’t too sure if his friend was still breathing. 

“Eddie-bear! Look at you, all grown-up!”, the lady squealed, pinching her nephew’s cheeks. That must have hurt. “You brought a friend”, she looked at Richie as if he didn’t belong in the picture. 

Perhaps it was Eddie’s arm hanging from his own. Perhaps it was just the primitive need he felt to antagonize conservative people. Richie smiled at her, the same smile he gave aunt Ruth, and suddenly he felt as if everyone in the room was watching them.

“Boyfriend, actually”, Richie corrected, feigning innocence. He let go of Eddie’s arm, deciding to get this show on the road. His hand rested then around his friend’s waist in a way no actual friend would do. “I’m Richie Tozier”

The room was dead silent. Aunt Janet (or maybe Jackie?) stood very still, her wide eyes searching for any indication that this was an ill-timed pun. 

“Oh, Sonia. Good thing you’re here!”, the woman changed the subject, moving away from them and towards the doorstep, where Eddie’s mother stood with eyes filled with  disbelief and irritation. 

It would be a lie to say that the way Richie held him around the waist didn’t make his stomach flip and turn. Eddie returned the gesture by putting his hand on top of the one Richie had on him. It occurred to him that it would have been wiser to ask Bill to pretend to be his boyfriend, or Ben, or Mike. He doubted Stanley would’ve said yes, but it would have been a whole lot smarter to try and convince him. He was aware of that. That being this close to Richie could feel good at the moment, but it would make him sad once the night was over and they would part ways, Richie to his place and Eddie to Bill’s. Sure, Sonia hated Richie the most out of all the boys, but perhaps it was because it was apparent that Eddie liked him in a different way. Perhaps he didn’t invite his best friend to simply annoy his mother, maybe he did it because he wanted it to be real and if he couldn’t have the actual thing, he could pretend for a night.

Silly. Really.

Aunt Janet looked slightly disturbed and, all jokes aside, Eddie felt ashamed and disgusted by his own family. For the first time in years, he wondered what it would have been like had his father been there. But that thought didn’t linger for a long time, as Sonia joined her cousin in no time.

“Eddie, sweetie, what are you doing?”, every word sounded like a threat, he looked as if he didn’t understand her point.

“I’m spending Christmas Eve with family?”, his hand on Richie’s became tighter.

“Eddie.”, Sonia said in between teeth. Aunt Janet didn’t even blink, she moved her head from Sonia to Eddie in considerable speed. She sometimes looked over at Richie, too. “What is he”, big emphasis on the he, “doing here?”

“Richie.”, Eddie said, not raising his voice, trying his best to look innocent, “Aunt Ruth was saying she was expecting to meet my girlfriend?”, he could swear every single person in the room was looking at them. “I think you got mistaken, Ma, I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend, you know, since I’m gay.”

And that was when Janet decided to choke on her own wine. Fucking aunt trying to have all the scandals to herself.

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

In the span of a week, Richie Tozier had had already at least three mental breakdowns. 

Christmas had always been one of his top three holidays. It meant eggnog, gifts, ridiculous sweaters and a cozy feeling Richie couldn’t explain even if he tried. It also meant a week of cheerful Rich, cracking themed jokes at everyone. 2019 wasn’t supposed to be different, and for a while it wasn’t. Until Eddie approached him with the most wonderfully awful idea. 

He should have said no. It would have spared him a lot of anxiety-ridden nights talking to Stanley (’I might actually die, Stan. I don’t even know the amount of gay I’m supposed to act.’ ‘Just be your usual gay-self, Richie, Eddie’s mom already hates you’). His thoughts were messier than usual, skipping from the prospect of having to deal with a house full of Kaspbraks to the idea of fake! dating! Eddie! (what the actual fuck?)

How was Richie supposed to conceal his longtime crush on his best friend if he was supposed to act like his boyfriend? What if it got too personal, too real and Richie couldn’t play it off as really great acting? It bugged him to no end. Even standing at Eddie’s side, the unease settled low on his stomach and he rubbed his hands together as if to warm them a bit from the chilly weather.

“Awn, Eds, can’t believe you’re gonna hold back from kissing my luscious lips”, Richie pouted and perhaps his cheeks reddened a bit, but the boy would firmly blame it on the cold. Eddie also had pink dusting his freckled face and the tip of his nose. He looked softer than usual and Richie could feel himself trying not to freak out at the sheer want to touch, to be closer that he felt. 

If Eddie responded to his comment, Richie would never know. As soon as the pair entered the Kaspbrak household, a short old lady spotted them and a fond noise was made as soon as she saw Eddie. 

“Eddie, you’re late, sweetie! Everyone’s already here”, she reprimanded him with a stern look. Only then she seemed to realize there was someone standing next to her nephew (or grandson? Who the fuck knew? Not Richie). The woman eyed him up and down, the same judging gaze Mrs. K always gave the Tozier boy. Richie held back a snort. She lifted an eyebrow at his colorful (hideous) sweater, failing to mask her disapproval at his choice of clothing. Richie smiled, as if to acknowledge her reaction and subtly show how much he didn’t give two shits.

“You brought a friend?”, the woman tilted her head, “I thought you would bring over your girlfriend, honey.”

Oh boy, this was going to be fun.

I can’t believe it either, trust me.

All great things must come to an end, people use to say. But for them to end, they have to start in the first place and, once again, aunt Ruth didn’t fail in delivering him an opportunity. He could feel his mother’s stare on him and Richie all the way from the door to the kitchen.

Eddie looked at his aunt, considerably shorter than him, glasses bigger than Richie’s, she was dressed entirely in red and strongly resembled a ladybug.

“This is Richie, aunt Ruth.”, he said, surprised at how calm he sounded even if he was just now realizing what he was doing. “He’s my boyfriend.”, Eddie didn’t keep his eyes on the elderly, he looked up at Tozier, “This is my aunt Ruth. She’s Ma’s aunt, actually, but she always tells me I’m her nephew too, isn’t that right, aunt Ruth?”, she had both eyes wide.

And he dared to go even further, “He’s your what, now, Eddie?”, Eddie enlaced his arm with Richie’s, bringing him closer. Somewhat wanting his mother to scream, somewhat because he really needed the proximity. And, well, it answered her question, too.

“I’ll go show him around.”, he said as if Richie didn’t already know his house by heart. 

Shit, the entire fucking family was there, his mother was not kidding when she said it would be the case. From where Eddie stood, he could see aunt Josy and uncle Steve. “That’s Ma’s sister, aunt Janet, we should avoid her for now. She’s just as bad as Ma.”, Eddie made a face, “I think this might be the biggest scandal in my family’s Christmas so far.”, he whispered, “You see that old lady over there? With the green earrings and the grey skirt? She’s had the biggest scandal in her bag for the last couple of years.”, it was a bit funny, bringing Richie into a world no one else knew about. Taking him into different parts of his life. It felt nice, like having a safe place in all the madness. “She tried to trick uncle Steve into eating turkey. He’s vegetarian, you see. Almost threw up on the table, it was a fucking mess.”

[kpbk]

scratch that heteronormative christmas movie poster thing

Eddie Kaspbrak had gone mad.

But, everyone he knew could go a little mad around the holidays.

Sonia had decided to wish 2019 farewell inside her household, which included inviting the whole family over to Derry. For one thing, Eddie was grateful; he could always escape at any time of any given day to go over to one of his friends. And, ever since aunt Ruth had arrived three days before, he had been staying the nights at the Denbrough’s. It was fine for a change, to experience normality during a time when he was supposed to celebrate. He could always count on Bill to stay awake until late hours into the night while watching movies and he could always pretend Georgie still believed in Santa.

Eddie didn’t like the idea of aunt Ruth sleeping in his room, laying over his bed. She was a tiny little thing, his mother’s aunt actually. But the idea of an old lady living in his personal space bothered him a whole fucking lot.

Maybe that had been the final motive for him to ask Richie such a thing in the first place. Perhaps, years of constant nagging, years of dealing with shit finally ended up exploding through the sleeping body of aunt Ruth on his bed.

He was now standing outside his own house, next to his best friend, and Eddie knew he had gone mad. Well, he had already come out to his mother, a few years before; something she had simply chosen to ignore in the hopes of it going away. She called it a phase and, honestly, he was just glad she wasn’t sending him to one of those medieval camps of restructuration. Therefore, yes, aunt Ruth had been the final draught, or so to call it. Especially in that one fine morning (her first one in Derry) when she asked Eddie whether the family would get to meet his lovely girlfriend, the one Sonia talked so fondly about.

So, don’t blame him for flipping his shit and asking Richie to pretend to be his boyfriend for the holidays. It was insane, sure, especially since his best friend had also been his crush for the longest time. But to the hell with all that, Sonia hated Richie. Emphasis on the word hated. She disliked all of his friends, but she absolutely despised Richie (and Beverly, for that matter, but Eddie was trying to make a point, a very gay, very important point, thank you very much), which made him the perfect date.

“Remember, my whole family is here.”, Eddie said, trembling a bit to the cold weather, “Thumbs up for making Ma mad, but no kissing, that’s the rule, you hear me, Rich?”, never in all nineteen years of his life, had he ever spoken so seriously.

He took a deep breath, “Shit, come on.”, and he opened the door.

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

“Too fucking soon, Eds”, Richie breathed, a small easy smile forming on his lips. Eddie was right though. Richie Tozier, known trashmouth of Derry (and the whole country, probably), always had something to say, even before his brain could comprehend whatever situation he was into. Countless times had Tozier bitten on his tongue to stop himself from saying something stupid (most times he didn’t and people at LA seemed amused at whatever came out of his mouth). It took some nasty trauma to shut him up.

Richie blinked up as the other man took his hand. It was a known motion for them, a boundary they had long surpassed, but somehow it always seemed to catch Richie off guard (he suddenly remembered red shorts, a shared Rocket and sitting up so close with the premise of not letting the delicacy melt). He gazed at their hands, his own always bigger than Eddie’s. It felt light, like a warm glow on his heart, softer than Rich had felt in years. 

Eddie’s bravery was contagious, always had been. Ever since they knew each other, the smaller boy made Richie want to be brave, to stick up for himself and punch life in the nuts. Probably not his wisest thought, but, hey, he was young and in love. At that time, jumping off the Quarry took some guts. 

They were older now. Cliffs didn’t look so inviting and the landing would probably hurt some joints. Truth was, at that moment with their hand intertwined and Eddie under the warm sun, perhaps they were invincible. They had defeated an ancient evil entity and cheated death. Fuck, they were invincible. Probably not his wisest thought, but hey, he was in love.

“You jump, I jump”, Richie winked at Eddie after they stood up at the edge. A grin slowly crept up his lips and the unease in his heart gave away for a bit. 

"Fucking Titanic, Richie? Seriously?”, a smirk was forming, Eddie held back a chuckle. As far as Eddie was concerned, their lives fell more into stories such as The Thing and Attack of the Giant Leeches (that second one had given him a very disturbing experience in the movie theater), but sure, Titanic could do. Eddie almost joked a second time, ha, but you know Jack dies, right? But what stopped him was not the prospect of making fun of his own sorry excuse of a life, but the implication that the two of them could be love interests. He felt the skin of his cheeks getting warmer, but it could easily be because of the sun.

He touched his chest before realizing what he was doing. Even after everything, he needed to be sure, completely so, that it was safe to join the others. But the wound was healed, there was nothing there to get infected. He looked down again. Stanley was looking at them. It was just like years before, when they looked straight into each other's eyes; time had not changed things much, at least once the memories started to come back. “Can’t believe L.A. turned you into a sap.”, Eddie chuckled, Stan looked away to talk to Bill. “No, no, scratch that, you’ve always been a sap. Come on, Rich.”

And he jumped.

Eddie fell funny but it didn’t necessarily hurt. Sure, being almost forty changed things a bit and the fall was nothing like it had been back in that summer.

But the feeling was welcoming. He felt the fabric of his clothes moving to the flow of the lake. He finally emerged from the water and took off his jacket. Eddie couldn’t help it, his eyes instantly searched for Richie.

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

The light scar on Eddie’s chest seemed to mock them, a clear reminder of everything they almost lost. Richie stared at it dumbfounded, amazed at how something that appeared to be months old had just been an open hole moments ago. Probably the lamest joke he ever knew. 

-

The Quarry held a special place in all of their hearts. Richie remembered splashing around in dirty water, playing chicken and jumping off the small cliff (how could he forget?). It looked smaller than they remembered, probably the perks of being middle-aged and far taller than their thirteen year-old selves. 

The losers stood at the edge of the cliff, gaze jumping from the water to each other. Rich hadn’t said a word since they left the streets, which was highly unsual for him, although no one had the mind to call it out. 

“I can’t believe I have to do this everytime”, Bev huffed before making a dash for the edge and jumping without second thought. Once again the men stared dumbfounded at her, red hair emerging down bellow. 

Soon Ben followed her, a gleeful yelp leaving his throat on the way down. Mike and Bill were next, falling not so gracefully on the water. 

“I can’t believe we swam around in dirty water”, Stanley sighed, but nevertheless had a grin on his lips. He jumped the furthest from any of them.

Honestly, Richie didn’t feel like jumping in. He had his fair share of adrenaline to last the entire Derry a lifetime. It felt great when he was 13, sure, but his heart wasn’t that young anymore.

“I think I’m gonna pass this time”, he finally spoke up, running a hand through his muddy hair. It was something out of character for him to pass up an opportunity to show off or make some joke, sure, but you can’t blame a man for feeling like all energy had been sucked out after watching every person you care about almost die in a spam of hours. And one of them did die. Eddie died and a piece of his soul had been ripped out at that exact moment. Now it stared at him, not knowing how to fit anymore once it all seemed fine. 

It took Ben some convincing to agree on Eddie walking on his own to the Quarry, but he eventually let it be.

-

Eddie looked down on the water and on the rest of the losers, splashing around and laughing. He smiled and sat by the edge of the cliff, legs dangling free. He nodded to Richie to acknowledge what was said.

A hundred years before he had known a boy so witty and full of life, thick glasses and voice imitations. This boy had liked Rockets and hidden cigarettes. He had made Eddie laugh on multiple occasions. The boy wasn’t gone, he could still be seen in the crook of a smile, in the brush of arms while walking down Derry’s Main Street. Eddie figured the boy was just tired, not so different from himself. He chuckled.

“I can’t believe it took one of us dying for us to shut the fuck up.”, he chuckled again and realized the words that had been spoken. Eddie looked up and let the sun meet his features. “Sorry, too soon, I guess.”, the others were yelling at them, asking them to jump, Eddie just waved and closed his eyes.

It was a weird notion but he couldn’t help it. There had been another boy, once, one so filled with anxiety, so incredibly brainwashed that would complain about the lack of sunscreen and what it could do to a person’s skin. Eddie thought fondly of said boy, he wasn’t all that far from him. He enjoyed it, this time, the way the sun kissed his cheeks, Eddie wished the boy could have enjoyed it, too.

Being alive felt different now. He’d eventually go through months of appreciating the simplest of things. At that moment, perhaps, all he wanted to appreciate was the presence of Richie, Bill, Beverly, Stanley, Mike, and Ben. It was more than enough.

“Fuck, this feels funny.”, he said, suddenly wanting to jump so bad, to meet the others, to splash around, too, “Come on, we can do it together.”, Eddie said, hand already moving toward Richie. Together was a notion they both knew pretty well.

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

I’m here.

It didn’t make sense. Perhaps it shouldn’t. Nothing about a clown-looking ancient entity who killed children seemed sane. Eddie coming back to life should be just one of the unbelievable tricks they’ve experienced. 

His heart calmed down eventually, his sobs mellowing to sniffles. Richie could feel Eddie breathe, his heartbeat steady against himself and that was enough for the adrenaline to wash out. The voice, still distant, like being underwater, was helpful too. His whole body ached, emotional and physically exhausted. Eddie’s hand on his disheveled hair felt like a blessing Richie Tozier shouldn’t be given.

“You’re here”, Richie echoed, after what felt like hours. For the first time since they left the House, he wished his glasses weren’t shattered, so that he could make out the details, check every crease and every corner for any sign that this was Eddie Kaspbrak, his childhood friend and longtime crush.

His mind went back to the moment he picked up some rocks, throwing them at the spider-Pennywise. Impulsive bravery that ended suddenly with three pointy lights. Richie would have to deal with what they made him see for the rest of his life. But Eddie had pulled him out. Eddie, with his bravery that knew no boundaries. Eddie, with a smile so bright it could rival the sun. Eddie, with a claw on his chest, warm blood spraying everywhere. Eddie, with Richie’s jacket pressed to his chest, lifeless eyes staring through him. 

Tears threatened to show again. Richie had half the mind to rub them away, but that meant stop clinging to Eds and that alone might be enough for him to disappear. So he let them flow freely, wetting the fabric of Eddie’s coat.

Beverly was the first of the losers to move. She pressed herself on top of the duo, hugging them both tightly. Tear tracks were clear on her dirty cheeks. Richie was too dumbstruck to properly move.

"Yeah.”, he chuckled, tears rolling down his cheeks. His hand was now on Richie’s nape, holding him close.

Beverly kissed Eddie’s forehead and, one by one, they all came together. Stanley was next, sitting down next to Eddie and putting a hand on his knee. Then there was Bill, then Ben, then Mike. They were still for a while and Eddie couldn’t remember ever feeling so loved, ever feeling so much love. Perhaps on that day, twenty-seven years before, when they had stood in a circle together, hands clasped, an oath being made. Maybe that was the greatest thing there was: Eddie had loved them immensely and they had loved him the same. Somehow, there were perks of being the group of losers chosen to go against an evil timeless force.

He was no longer crying at this point, still taking in the sight of his friends. He hoped little Eddie was right, he wasn’t sure he would survive forgetting these people again.

Once they were a bunch of old farts sitting on the middle of Neibolt Street, Eddie still holding Richie close, Bill started laughing and it was so fucking contagious.

“I think we should go to the Quarry.”, said Bev, “Mike will be with us this time.”

Eddie made a face to the thought of his exposed wounds getting in contact with the dirty water of the quarry. But then he stilled, taking his arms away from Richie for the first time since they embraced. His body still ached but not as much as before. Eddie sat back down on his butt and held the bottom hem of his shirt, slowly pulling it up. He already knew what he would find but he needed to see it. There was nothing but a light scar where the gap should have been. A light scar that looked as though it had been healed years before. He gasped, not even if not entirely surprised. Eddie let go of his shirt, covering his body again, and touched his cheek.

He took the bandages in his hands and touched the skin hidden behind it. Nothing. Nothing but a scar even lighter than the one on his torso.

Eddie’s eyes filled with tears and he knew he was being watched closely by his friends. He chuckled, “Yeah, I think the Quarry is fine.”

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

Everything happened around him and Richie didn’t move a single muscle. Not that he didn’t want to help, he did, more than anyhting. His mind felt like a broken computer, blasting a blue screen with thousands of white letters without any meaning he could comprehend. 

Eddie sat up with the help of Ben, Bill and Beverly. Probably the motion made Rich sit back on his heels, fingers never leaving the fabric of the dirty red coat. Stanley’s muffled cries felt distant, miles away. Richie wanted to reach out to his friend, comfort him in some way. A ridiculous idea considering Rich himself wasn’t even able to soak through whatever had just happened.

Dead people shouldn’t be able to come back to life. You’re delirious. It finally broke you to the core.

Then be it. This was an illusion Richie was more than willing to take. Who cared if it was life’s biggest mockery, giving Eddie back for moments before taking him away again. He couldn’t deal with the thought of losing Eddie for a third time. It alone made Richie choke on a sob, something so raw and unsual for the trashmouth (at least while he was in public anyway).

“You littler fucker”, he wanted to sound joking and steady. He truly did. Instead it came out as a hoarse cry, so hurt and hopeful Rich could barely recognize himself. 

Somewhere behind him Mike chuckled, genuinely happy for once in 27 years. Bev’s hand was once again on Tozier’s shoulder, something to anchor him to reality. Richie couldn’t take his eyes off of Eddie (something the losers were used to). 

“You brave little fucker”, Rich repeated. His hands were shaking badly as he finally reached for his almost-dead friend. Even through his shocked state, the man managed to be careful, perhaps an effect of the loss of his own strenght. Richie wrapped Eddie in a tight embrace, hiding his face on the latter’s shoulder. His glasses were broken and dirty with blood (Eddie’s blood), muck and tears, but still Rich pressed his face to the fabric of the red coat. 

Dying could do something to a person, he reckoned. But had he really died? Eddie had many times read about nearly death experiences; he knew about the light at the end of the tunnel, he knew about out of body projection. But he also knew about the embodiment of evil, about turtles; Maturin, was it? There was no way to understand what had happened in the minutes (?), hours (?), since the moment he closed his eyes back in the sewers. Somehow, Eddie was okay with that. At least for the time being.

Either way, something had happened, back inside his head. He doubted he would ever be the same person as before.

He should have died, but didn’t. That could change someone alright.

Eddie hugged Richie back as best as he could and for a few minutes, that was enough. Feeling warm in Tozier’s embrace was enough. His body ached, yes, but there was no gap on his chest anymore; Eddie knew it, as well as he knew his own name. As well as he knew the scar on the palm of his hand was gone. Perhaps little Eddie had something to do with it, perhaps it was the fact that IT was gone and the seven of them still stood. He caressed Richie’s strands of hair, slowly massaging, weakly moving.

Did Richie know? He wondered and for once the thought didn’t scare him much. There were plenty of other things to fear. Did Richie know he would have done it over and over again if it came down to it? He would have done it exactly the same way. Eddie wondered if Richie could feel the way his heart jumped like crazy while they hugged. He wondered if his love was clear. His love for Richie and his love for the others, not romantically but equally strong.

He wondered if the others knew how happy he was to live. To be given a second chance, to do it again, to make things right.

“I’m here.”, he said and it sounded stupid because of course, he was there. He would be there for as long as these people allowed him to. “I’m here.”

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

Life was mocking him (maybe you’ve finally lost your mind, huh? no one can handle that much repressed shit and stay peachy). He thought he could hear a whisper, a soft indistinct word in a voice Richie knew all too well. His eyes were clenched shut, even though the tears were flowing freely. Perhaps he did lose his mind after all.

The weak hand on his hair did the trick, along Beverly’s shocked gasp and Bill’s string of curses (not a single stutter in them). Richie lifted his head, cloudy vision and broken glasses doing shit for his sight. Yet, the soft movements from the body below his hands was unmistakable. 

It was his turn to hold his breath. His eyes widened behind the dirty and broken lenses. Brown eyes were still shut and this could be life’s most cruel joke. The tears coming from them were new, Richie was sure. How could a dead person cry? Did they fail at killing It again? Was it mocking them? His heart ached, scared to believe it could be real without any influence of cruel entities.

Richie didn’t dare speak (how ironic was that? The man of 1000 voices, finally speechless). His eyes were glued to the man bellow him as his own hands clenched harder to Eddie’s jacket. 

(let it be real. let it be absurd and alive, let them have this one shred of luck and happiness.)

“Eddie?”, Stanley called, doing what Richie wouldn’t dare. The man held Eddie’s hand, squeezing it carefully. Richie prayed (something he hadn’t done in ages) that whatever was making this happen, at least be kind enough to let Eddie be okay.

His hand eventually fell from Richie’s hair to his arm, Eddie felt weak and the voice of his past self still echoed inside his head. The Well House had collapsed, young Eddie had said. He found himself wondering where the child was, only to recall the kid’s words. Eddie felt as if his heart could burst and he slowly opened his eyes to the sound of Stanley’s call.

The sight before him confused and moved Eddie a lot. Richie looked so lost, so broken, Eddie wanted to reach out and tell him it was okay, there would be no more monsters, no more darkness, there would be no more harm. He sniffled and it made his body ache, “Hey, Stan.”, hoarse voice answered and he saw the moment Stanley broke. Eddie wanted to reach out to him, too. He wanted to reach out to all of them.

He was, then, overwhelmed by the memories that came at once to him. This kills monsters if you believe it does. Richie in the deadlights. A spike of bravery. A strong, unbearable pain in his chest. It was hard to talk and even harder to move.

Eddie closed his eyes again, the light was too much for him to handle. There was a soft touch to his face, to his hair, and he knew it was Beverly. “You’re okay, Eddie, it’s gonna be okay.”, she said and he wondered if she was reassuring herself, too. Eddie made to move his hand toward her but hissed to the pain that echoed all through his body.

“Help him sit, I think it’s hurting him to stay like this.”, was it Ben? Eddie was almost sure and, honestly, bless his brilliant brain. Brown eyes were open once again. “Yeah, that would be good.”

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

unbroken

Living in LA as a stand-up comedian never required Richie much of a fitness lifestyle. He grew up as a lanky kid, taller than average and bordering on way too skinny for the longest time. Age did give him softer edges, but it never bothered him. 

Until Derry came back into his life, filled with murderous intent and scary clowns. As It’s lair collapsed around them, Richie wished to be like Ben, strong in every way, capable of carrying around a limp body. Eddie’s limp body. 

“You can’t possibly think I’m leaving him alone here”, he snarled at his friends. Fuck if the despair on his voice made his secret all too clear. “We can still save him, for fuck’s sake!”, Richie roared as tears flowed freely through his dirty cheeks.

Beverly opened her mouth to speak, but soon closed it. She stared at the pair before her, at Richie’s desperate sobs and Eddie’s lifeless form. He clung to the other man, and perhaps it would take some force greater than death to tear them apart.

“We’re not leaving him, honey.”, the redhead clasped a comforting hand on Tozier’s shoulder. “But we need to hurry or else we’ll all end up down here”

Before Bev could move, Stanley was already at Richie’s side. He didn’t say a word, but soon enough Eddie hung from their arms. It was an unsual sight for 2016 Derry. 1989 Derry, however, knew the Tozier-Kaspbrak-Uris trio all too well. Sharing Rocket’s and bickering, being children and happy around each other. It was a sad, dusty version, though it fit them just as fine.

They could have died a few times, all of them. It was an ancient building coming down on top of their heads and carrying a dead person with them wasn’t the brightest idea. Richie couldn’t even bare the thought of leaving Eddie down there, rotting away with Pennywise as everything crumbled down on him. It was dark and scary and the Kaspbrak would have hated it. How could Rich leave him there? If he died too on the way out for not being able to be agile, then be it. Staying alive seemed dull and optional at that point.

The sun’s sudden appearance made Tozier groan, blinking as they made the way down the porch seconds before it collapsed. The warm pavement in front of what was left of Neibolt seemed unreal and Richie tumbled down on it, taking Stanley and Eddie with him. Stan helped him lay their friend’s body down and Richie finally noticed his own hands were trembling and Eddie felt cold,colder than he should. Beverly clasped a hand on his shoulder and Richie Tozier crumbled to pieces.

His sobs weren’t loud as his jokes were. They were quiet, muffled by his hands as he lowered his head and clutched to Eddie’s jacket. It didn’t make much sound, just pained hiccups eventually. No one around dared to move. Maybe they were crying too. Richie didn’t care. He couldn’t think straight, his mind finally allowing Eddie’s happy face before being impaled, Eddie’s warm blood everywhere and Eddie dying before his eyes, Pennywise was dead, yes, but why even bother? Richie felt dead too.

Eddie was dead, or he should be dead. He sure as hell was supposed to be dead. The darkness that surrounded him surely seemed to agree with said statement. But, then, why didn’t he feel dead? Sure, it wasn’t as if he had something to compare to. Eddie had never been dead before, you see. With all things considered he felt like at the back of his own car, blindfolded, tied up. He had no power over his body, no acknowledgment of his surroundings. But Eddie was still there, somewhere. His own mind told him he was in airplane mode and had he been awake, had he been really alive, he would have laughed.

What an absurd idea. Airplane mode. Ha, it sure would have made...

And then there was doubt. A notion was being formed. Eddie wouldn’t have laughed alone, but who the fuck...?

Darkness was everywhere and he knew it wasn’t actually real. He was walking, sure, but it wasn’t his body moving. Shit, this is happening inside my head.

But if that was the inside of his head, why on earth would he feel so lost? So cold? Eddie moved forward, searching, reaching. For what he wasn’t sure as he realized he couldn’t quite remember what light even looked like.

- You’re in Derry - a voice said and he turned around. Eddie tried to speak but no sound came, he wanted to ask who it was, he wanted to know how the fuck the childish voice managed to fill his subconscious when his own failed. He urged to know what Derry was.

- It’s where we grew up - there was the voice again and it made him want to cry. Still, no sound came. Eddie sat down and pulled his legs toward his body. Why was it so cold? He dared not close his eyes, so, a figure appeared at once before him. It was a child, no older than twelve, a boy. He was wearing a yellow shirt and red shorts, sneakers.

“Where’s your cast?”, Eddie asked, owner of his voice again, the child only shrugged.

- Don’t need one here.

“Where am I?” he asked, out loud this time, the kid rolled his eyes, apparently annoyed at the thought of having to give all the answers of the universe to this pathetic excuse of a grown-up.

- Not pathetic, just... You look like you drowned in grey water - the kid made a face - You’re in Derry, Neibolt Street, actually. The Well House just collapsed.

“How do you know...”

- You’re in the back seat, remember? Blindfolded, tied up. I’m not. Well, I was for 27 years but... Is that Big Bill? Why is he crying? - concern filled the child’s features, Eddie wanted to reach out and hug him but figured the kid would never let him touch him, all wet in grey water and his own blood. - Richie is crying, too, his glasses... His glasses are broken, Maggie’s gonna be mad and... - he went quiet.

Eddie could see the kid was crying as small legs made their way over to where he sat, pathetically on the ground. The boy sat too, in front of him, he wiped his tears away with his own hands and looked up at Eddie, big brown eyes full of expression.

- You have to go back. It’s... it’s not my time anymore - this time Eddie pulled the kid into a hug and, surprisingly (or not entirely), he did not fight it but hugged back.

“You can’t stay here. It’s dark and cold and...”

- I won’t. I’ll be with you. the cycle is broken, there will be no backseat anymore, no more forgetting.

“You did good.”

- We did. Come on, wake up, Eddie, it’s time, wake...

“Up.”, he whispered and this time it sounded different. It was no muffled voice in the void of his own mind, it was real, as real as the weight of the person he loved the most on his chest.

Eddie’s eyes were closed and he dared not open them, the sun was up and he wasn’t even sure if death wasn’t what it was. The weight and warmth of Richie Tozier, the sound of his best friends. Eddie doubted death could ever be so kind. He moved one hand to Richie’s hair, that was the most he managed to do. But no. There was no death, no loss. No backseat anymore, and he was crying; crying real tears. No more pretending.

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

Eddie had a point. He had been busy fighting what he had become for so long. Afraid that acknowledging it would make it real (as if it didn’t swallow him whole every motnh). It was real. Enough for it to almost kill him. Accepting had come with time and it did ease the pain. It didn’t meant, however, that others had to carry his burden with him. 

“I hated it at first, y’know.”, he muttered. “I mean, I still do. But losing control… I hated it. It’s like watching yourself do horrible things and not being able to stop. You can feel the physical stuff and remember every second, but you can’t control.”, Richie sighed. “When Remus gave me this”, he shook the bottle on his hand, “and I spent a whole night like a fucking dog, curled at a rug…”, Rich chuckled, “It felt fucking amazing. For the first time I had beat it. I could think and I wasn’t off to kill anybody” It was hard to stop once the words began to spill. Perhaps Richie had kept everything to himself for too long. 

The quick peck on his cheek made him blush like the teenager he was. Richie gaped at the other boy as they hugged. The proximity was doing wonders to his heart and Richie only hoped Eddie couldn’t feel it hammering against his chest. 

They separated, but the trashmouth kept an arm slung over his friend’s waist. Richie laughed brightly at the thought of Eddie stealing from Snape, not once, but three times.

“Holy shit, Eds! I’ve always known you were the tiniest and most badass gryffindor to walk these grounds”, the slytherin grinned proud. “Please tell me you’ve left a note telling him to go fuck himself”

He laughed at the prospect of leaving Snape a note. It was downright ridiculous, “It’s in the not knowing, Rich.”, Eddie said in a serious voice, “It’s in the not knowing who stole from your office. And also in the not being yelled at by McGonagall.”, she would have known had he left a note. Well, considering he was pretty sure she already knew, it would at least provide proof. He went quiet for a few minutes.

"Can I tell you a secret?”, it came out barely a whisper, Eddie did not dare look away from the lake, “I hated it, too. Not...  Not just because of the obvious; you never deserved this, you know that, right? And, yeah, I hated it because it gave you pain and I could tell, I could tell, Richie, how uncomfortable you were when you told me and...”, the sun was higher in the sky but there was still no sight of other students walking around the castle grounds. They were alone. “I don’t hate it as much now, you know. Sure, if I could take it away from you, I would, I swear I would, Richie, and, every fucking time,” he took the chance and wrapped his hands around one of Richie’s, fingers caressing the area, making himself understood, “every time there’s another one, I hate it all over again, but, at the end of the day it’s part of you.”, he was very careful with the way he phrased it, trying to rightfully make sense out of his words. Words quieter and quieter. “I don’t think I could ever hate it, if it meant you - or, part of you, that is. It’s just something we have to take care of,” and he was adamant in the way he said the word we, not you, we. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Rich, honestly, sometimes I don’t think you even understand how strong you are.”

It was hard, trying to convey an emotion such as the one he was feeling into words. Being in love with his best friend did that, he figured. Either way, on the other hand, Eddie’s feud with the Sorting Hat was something their group of friends often talked about; it was funny, sure, at least now it was, but during first-year, he had been sure to have been thrown into the wrong house (Bill got upset at some point). How could he have been sorted for the sole characteristic he was the most insecure about? 

Most of the time, Eddie didn’t feel brave. He was just Eddie, you see, nothing special, nothing too memorable. But years living with his losers had given him a sense of not being so incredibly small - there was bravery in him, yes. It sometimes needed some help to come out, but it was there, in there somewhere.

Eddie sometimes felt as if he just didn’t act brave because he was afraid of how it would be like. He was afraid of finding out just how courageous he was.

But in that moment, well, in that moment the Hat kind of made sense.

He touched the skin of Richie’s cheek, finally looking away from the lake and into the depth of Tozier’s eyes. It would make sense if the vastness made him feel small, scared. But it didn’t. If anything, it made him feel safe. His thumb was caressing the latter’s cheek. Eddie was breathing just fine.

“I wish I could have made it sooner.”

[kpbk]

trxshmth‌:

Funny how being manhandled by his own boyfriend did things to a man. Add some sucking and biting on his neck and Richie Tozier could barely remember why he felt down in the first place. Marking up wasn’t something they did often. Well, marking exposed places wasn’t. Leave it to Richie to always scatter lovebites and hickeys all the way down his boyfriend’s torso. The role reversal wasn’t usual, although pretty much welcomed. The idea of walking around with a purple bruise on his neck was exciting in some weird way. 

Eddie was taking in the sight of him and Richie felt unease settle in his stomach. The room was bright, leaving no space for him to hide on the shadows. Suddenly Richie felt well aware of how thin and ordinary he looked. 

Then a hand made its way to his nipple and his thoughts got jumbled. Richie sucked a breath through his teeth. He whined low in his throat at Eddie’s words. Richie Tozier felt shy and that was fucking ridiculous.

The attention given by the smaller man to his chest was more than enough to make Rich stir in his pants. His fingers threaded carefully through Eddie’s curls, playing and tugging softly at his hair. 

Knowing that Eddie was talkative in bed was one thing, experiencing it in first hand was a whole new level. The low confident voice was something that would probably be etched forever to his soul, something to often make him randomly hard during the day. And if his words weren’t enough, his eyes also deserved the recognition. Eddie stared like he just couldn’t get enough, pure adoration on his soft irises. Richie felt a shiver run through his bones. How could someone look so hot, for fuck’s sake.

The dirty words combined with the proximity to his groin made a moan escape Tozier’s lips. Eddie hadn’t even touched him properly yet and there he was, out of control. Nice work, Tozier. Richie blinked when his boyfriend got back up, hovering above him and holding his face. He didn’t even give him time to say something before they were messily making out on the bed. Richie got hold of Eddie’s ass (something he was rather fond of), squeezing the flesh beneath the fabric. “You still give me shit like no one else, babe”, he tried sounding cool and composed, but only came off as a breathless mess.

He laughed, slightly arching his back to the touch on his ass, “Yeah, I do.”, his tongue was inside Richie’s mouth, then; and, honestly, his mind was wandering. Fuck, it was cold in the room but every single fingertip in contact with his skin burned him in a pleasant way; he was so well aware of how his body touched the latter’s, “But that’s because I love you, so I get to do that.” - and for once, Eddie didn’t really care about germs and bacterias and whatnot, he didn’t care whether Richie had showered after getting home or not, all he fucking cared about was tasting the salty skin of his neck once again. “I’m not giving you shit tonight, though.”, Eddie said and nibbled softly at his boyfriend’s earlobe, just briefly, just for a second.

As much as he enjoyed the attention Richie so deliberately gave to his butt, Eddie didn’t want this night to be about himself, therefore he took a deep breath before moving again, slipping away from those hands he craved so much. He didn’t even bother taking off his shirt, as he was once again enamored by Richie’s chest - lips finding a nipple. “I want to try something, if that’s okay with you.”, he breathed out, sucking on flesh before looking up again. Sure, they had done their amount of crazy shit in bed - it was as people said: give two dudes a bedroom and watch them make the best out of it - Fine, people didn’t say that, Bill did; at least during the moving in process.

Eddie felt more than comfortable around Richie, so he wasn’t exactly suggesting something completely out of their reach. The thing was, he had never done it himself; “I want to taste you, is that okay?”, he asked, attentive eyes never leaving the latter’s face. Eddie shook his own head lightly, “Not... Not like I’m used to doing.”, and as he said it, his hands - that had been preoccupied elsewhere - moved toward Richie’s ass, grabbing it and brushing against the mattress, “Would you like that?”, it was important to him that whenever they tried something different, verbal agreement was involved, always - Just a nod wouldn’t do, there had to be a yes, or a no. Consent was important and, honestly, it was fucking hot, too.