Twenty-five & she / her. +18 partners only since minors and ageless blogs will be blocked on sight.
This is a heavily canon divergent version of SAYA and dark and triggering "dead dove don't eat" content will be present here.
this and three other blogs ( radictmoon / holydeath / ghostofsilla) are side-blogs to vampireshaman.
DEAD DOVE: DON'T EAT a warning or tag used to indicate that a fanwork contains tropes or elements that may be deemed morally reprehensible without explicitly condemning the sensitive aspects.
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the jump perverts does from โyour love is sinful and your sex is damned and your pleasure is a stain on godโ to โi lost someone that actually matters to me because i have carnal desires for something more evil and disembodied than anything in this world and now i am left alone with addictions to things that canโt love me backโ is so.
Isle of Dogs / Game of Thrones / Painting by Jenn Mazza / Unknown / Ancestral Memory by Hari Alluri / Unknown / Venetta Octavia / Emma Tranter / Unknown / Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo / @ machineryangel
The Tragedy of Saya: A Monster Who Understands Humanity
To humans, they will always be a monster.
"Itโs strange how they fear me, yet call on me when the real monsters come knocking."
No matter how much Saya does to protect humanity, she will always be seen as the otherโsomething unnatural, something to be feared. Her immortality, predatory instincts, and capacity for violence mark her as a monster in the eyes of the world. And humans, by their nature, fear what they cannot understand.
Even those who work closest with her, such as the Red Shield, cannot fully separate her personhood from her monstrous capabilities. They rely on her strength, but they do not trust her. She is a weapon they wield when necessary, a tool to protect their fragile existence, but never someone they embrace as one of their own.
For Saya, this truth is inescapable. She has given her lifeโover and over againโto fight for a world that will never truly accept her. And no matter how many lives she saves, no matter how much blood she spills on humanityโs behalf, she remains an outsider. They will never see her as anything more than the thing that goes bump in the night.
Forced to hide their monstrosity to fit in.
"To fit into their world, I had to cut away pieces of myself. Now, Iโm not sure whatโs left."
Whenever Saya wakes from her hibernation, she finds herself thrust into a new world, unfamiliar and distant. Time moves on without her, leaving her adrift in a society that has forgotten her sacrifices. And to survive in this ever-changing world, Saya must hide what she truly is.
She wears the mask of humanity, blending into a society that would recoil in horror if they knew her nature. Her hunger, her instincts, her strengthโthese are things she cannot show. She must suppress every part of herself that screams predator, lest she be hunted, feared, or destroyed.
But this isnโt just about survival. There is a deeper pain in hiding her true self. By masking her monstrosity, Saya is forced to deny the very essence of her being. She becomes a shadow of herself, existing on the edges of humanity, never fully a part of it but unable to escape the desire to belong.
The horror lies not just in her monstrous nature but in the constant reminder that she must conceal it. Every suppressed instinct, every forced smile, every act of restraint is a knife twisting in her gutโa reminder that she can never be her true self.
Pull their teeth, blunt their claws, file down their jagged edges.
"Iโm not sure which hurts moreโfighting what I am or knowing what I could become if I didnโt."
The imagery of a predator dulling its natural weapons mirrors Sayaโs daily existence. Her fangs, her claws, her strengthโthey are all parts of her, necessary for survival, yet things she must constantly suppress.
She starves herself, pulling her metaphorical teeth, to avoid feeding on humans. She restrains her power, blunting her claws, acting with precision and care when her instincts scream for unbridled violence. And she tempers her sharp demeanor, filing down her jagged edges, to appear approachable, even when it feels unnatural.
This suppression doesnโt just hurtโit erases parts of her. Saya is a predator forced to live like prey, a being of immense power pretending to be small. It is a denial of her very nature, leaving her feeling hollow and disconnected from herself.
Yet, the alternative is even more horrifying. If Saya were to embrace her monstrosity fully, she would lose the fragile connections she has with humanity. She would become the thing they fear most, a nightmare made flesh, and the idea terrifies her as much as it tempts her.
They cannot return to monsterhood entirely, either, with their knowledge.
"I could give in, let the monster take over. But I canโt pretend I wouldnโt know the cost."
Sayaโs tragedy is compounded by her understanding of humanity. She has lived among them, loved them, fought for them. She knows their complexitiesโtheir kindness, their cruelty, their strength, and their fragility. This knowledge binds her to them in ways that other monsters might never experience.
But it is also her greatest burden. Saya cannot fully return to her monstrous nature because she understands the consequences too well. Every life she takes, every drop of blood she spills, carries a weight. She knows what it means to end a life, to extinguish the light in someoneโs eyes.
This understanding keeps her in limbo. She is no longer a pure predator, free to act on instinct, but neither is she fully human. She knows too much, feels too deeply, and cannot unlearn the empathy that ties her to humanity. And so, she exists between two worlds, belonging to neither.
They understand, and a part of them can't help but want to belong.
"Belonging is a human thing. But sometimes, I catch myself wishing it could be mine too."
Despite everythingโthe fear, the rejection, the painโSaya yearns for connection. Her understanding of humanity has made her long for something she cannot have: acceptance. She wants to belong, to be seen not as a monster but as a person.
This desire is a quiet, persistent ache in her heart. It drives her to form relationships, even when she knows they will end in tragedy. Haji, her chevalier, was perhaps the only one who truly accepted her for who she was. In his presence, Saya felt seen, understood, and loved.
But Haji is gone, and with him, much of Sayaโs hope. She remains guarded, reluctant to trust, yet unable to completely give up on the idea of belonging. This contradiction defines her interactions with othersโshe keeps them at armโs length but secretly hopes for connection.
Even if it hurts.
Even if it destroys them.
"Their world isnโt kind to me, yet I find myself unable to turn away from it. Itโs a cruel irony."
Sayaโs attempts to connect often end in tragedy. Those she loves grow old, die, or are taken from her. Her immortality is both a gift and a curse, leaving her to watch as the people she cares for fade away while she remains unchanged.
Yet, she cannot stop herself from trying. Her continued fight for humanity, even at the cost of her own happiness, speaks to this internal conflict. She sacrifices her needs, her desires, and even her identity for a world that fears her.
The horror of Sayaโs existence lies in this cycle of pain and loss. She gives and gives, only to be met with rejection or tragedy. And yet, despite the hurt, she persists. Her love for humanity, flawed and fragile as it is, drives her forward, even as it destroys her piece by piece.
Final Thoughts: The Monster Beneath the Skin
"Monsters are supposed to be cold, unfeeling. So why do I carry this ache that never leaves me?"
Sayaโs existence is defined by duality. She is a predator who understands humanity too well to fully embrace her nature, yet too different to ever truly belong. She exists in the liminal space between monster and human, torn between the two.
The horror of her existence is not just in her monstrous nature but in the knowledge of what she can never have. She knows what it means to love, to belong, to connectโand she knows she will never fully experience it. This understanding is both her greatest strength and her deepest wound.
In the end, Saya is a monster with a human heart, a being caught between two worlds, belonging to neither yet unable to abandon either. Her tragedy is not just that she is feared, but that she yearns for the very thing she can never truly have. And it is this yearning, this quiet, unrelenting hope, that makes her both monstrous and profoundly human.
The thought of you haunts me, gnawing at the edges of my mind with a cruelty I can neither escape nor endure. It is a wound that refuses to heal, festering with every passing moment that I am without you. The longing, the yearningโI thought I knew hunger, the feral, unrelenting need that has driven me for centuries. But thisโฆ this is not hunger. It is torment. It is the slow drip of humanity seeping into the cracks of my existence, filling the void with something unbearable.
แดษดแด แดษดแด สส สแดแด
You have undone me in ways I cannot fathom. All my strength, my power, the beast that I amโthey mean nothing in the face of this. At night, when the world quiets and the bloodlust ebbs, it is not the thrill of the hunt or the taste of life that consumes me. It is you. It is the memory of your voice, the warmth of your gaze, the scent of your skin that leaves me writhing in the darkness. You are a flame, and I am a creature born of shadow, cursed to be consumed by you.
My dreams are no longer my own. They have become your dominion, a chaotic, fevered realm where the monster in me stirs with a ferocity I cannot tame. Yet, it is not blood I crave in those momentsโit is you. The sensation of your lips against mine, the fleeting brush of your fingers across my skin, the quiet promise of something pure and unattainable. I yearn for it with a desperation that terrifies me.
แดสแด แดสแดแดสแด๊ฑแด สแดสสแดส
You make me feel, and that is the cruelest horror of all. I was content in my emptiness, in the cold, detached certainty of my monstrosity. But youโyouโhave breathed life into the ashes of my humanity. You have awakened something I thought was long dead, and now it screams within me, a relentless echo of who I once was and who I will never be again.
แดสแด แดษขแดษดส แด๊ฐ สแดแด แด
Do you know what it means to love as I do? To love as a monster? It is agony. It is the knowledge that I am unworthy of the very thing I desire most. It is the constant, gnawing fear that my touch will destroy you, that my presence will corrupt the beauty I see in you. Yet, it is also the hopeโthe cruel, unrelenting hopeโthat somehow, against all reason, you could love me too.
แด แดแดษด๊ฑแดแดสโ๊ฑ แดสแดแดส
I am a beast, a thing of nightmares. And yet, in your presence, I am more. I am less. I am a trembling, fragile thing, desperate for the salvation of your touch. You are my torment and my salvation, my ruin and my redemption. And though it burns, though it tears at the very fabric of who I am, I would endure it a thousand times over for the chance to feel your warmth against my cold, dead skin.
I am a monster. But for you, I would bleed. For you, I would burn. For you, I would become human again, if only to taste your love without the shadow of my hunger darkening its purity. And that is the most horrifying truth of all.
So I am unable to access my old diva account : saphirequeendiva but that's okay cause I've got towerkept instead, but honestly -- seeing the kind of writing I was pumping out for six years straight & maybe some of it needing to be sharpened up -- I could definitely do something similar here -- especially with the "fanfics" I was writing back then.
This is Saya's coffin that she sleeps in. She had it custom made in france. I recently watched nosferatu 2024 and now I can't stop thinking about nosferatu!Saya. ๐ฅฐ
