When I fell for him, it was a slow, excruciating kind of falling, torture even. I never saw it coming until I'm face to face with it, and there is no way I could go back. If I did, then, perhaps I would choose to walk away. Or so I thought. Ours was a typical story, boy meets girl, one is heartbroken, and the story goes on. But at that time, I promised myself I would never fall. His heart is a million leagues away, and a girl like me can never measure up. It was a tough act to follow considering their half a decade long relationship. It was not perfect, yes, but it was the kind of relationship that is envied. They earned it. But sometimes, life is a bitch. It has its own ways of making them star-crossed lovers. He loved her, she loved him. And until now, I can see, what that kind of love can do. I wish I could say I lived up to my own promise that I would never fall for someone whose heart is owned from the start. I don't want to be the girl crying in the end for loving someone who cannot love her in return. Obviously, I failed. I fell. And I fell deep and hard. I came to learn how much he loved her, how often he cried, how many times he pleaded and tried to win her back. I've heard many stories of his heartbreak, felt the pain like it was mine, and I saw with my own eyes how it made him and changed him for life. And through it all, I want to be there, but I never wished to love someone who gave so much of his love in the past But still I fell. I knew right from the moment I became his girl that I'm fighting an uncharted territory. I knew I would never win, but still, I fight. I wish I could say that I'm confident enough about us, but then, I wouldn't be writing this if I was. I learned a lot about his past, asking friends, and even him. I know he's just being a nice guy when he chose to be friends with his ex again. But you can never be just friends with an ex. It's always so much more for one or both. I wish I could say it didn't affect us, and that I feel safe with what we have, but love does that, you know, make you insecure. I stalked her trying to hate her but ended up liking her. If one would learn what they've been through, surely he would be a fan. The kind of love they had was not perfect, but it's something hard to find. And that moment I understood how she made a great impact on him. She's irreplaceable. He is hers and she is his. But still I fall. I fall for him every single day that I learn that they are still friends and communicating. I fall for him still when I heard they are having fun in a party that they are both invited. I fall for him with every photo I see that they are together, past and present, regardless if there are other people in the picture or just the two of them. I still fall for him when I see things that remind him of her, a food, a restaurant, a gift, or a particular date. I fall for him still even when he speaks fondly of her. I fall for him even when it hurts to see the way he looks at her and the way he looks at me are completely not the same. Many times have I been assured that he is choosing me. Many times have I heard that he has moved on. Many times have I been reprimanded for over-thinking things and to start believing in him. But they just don't get it. Maybe I am the one who can't move on, thinking about all the possibilities, of what could have been. Maybe I am secretly wishing to be her, to meet him unbroken, to experience how he love without hesitations, without fear of getting hurt. Because after a major hearbreak and being shattered to pieces, no one would come back the same. Maybe I envy her having him first and making the claim or maybe, it was the fact that she'll always be his great love, and I'll still be loved but a little bit less than what she earned anyway. And through it all, I'm still falling even when I know what it feels like when you're one great love already had his.
