In this little world I'm in

Thoughts, interests and the in betweens... Disclaimer: This might contain words that are left unspoken, pieces that meant something and mostly all those which were bottled up for so long.

[krisiabuhnana]

Realized that I am always being given a free pass to the waiting list. Silly me, I always take it with the thought that it's going to be my way to THE priority list...

But then, here I am still...

In the waiting list...

Trying to ace my way up to, at least, be the first...

Or be totally out of the fucking list I'm currently in.

[krisiabuhnana]

I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I'm just so tired of all of this bs right now.

[krisiabuhnana]

Realizing that what you want is not meant for you is one thing, accepting it is another.

And I never thought that I would be able to say it out loud. After breaking down and reflecting on everything.

Hope this leads me to something better.

Hope I'd remain hopeful.

[krisiabuhnana]

Realization after realization.

It was like big NOs being slapped to my face,

Over and over, over and over.

Trying to kill my hopes and expectations.

Slowly ruining my aspirations,

Bruising my entire being.

Nevertheless, I'd still be fighting...

I'd still keep trying,

Hoping those NOs are not definite.

Just 'NOT YET's teaching me the art of waiting.

This is part of loving, right?

Then I'll greatly bear with it.

[krisiabuhnana]

She woke up back again to asking herself and her principles, as though she's one her 'fight or flight' mode as the darkness slowly try to consume her.

"I said I don't want this!" She said to the darkness.

The darkness smirked as if she said the stupidest thing.

"You'll still end up in pieces anyway, darling. What's the point?"

[krisiabuhnana]

Had her moment of realization

Of things she just swept under the rug.

Those ill feelings and negative emotions

That seemed to be just selfish thoughts.

She was finally able to admit to herself

That here she is again, lost and unhappy

And for the first time in a very long time,

She broke down, slowly crumbling into pieces.

Trying to blame it on the liquor

Though she knows the truth.

The truth that fucking hurts,

And that truth she tried to run away from.

It's time to face the music.

Wake up, dear. You're not in a fairytale.

You're no princess and he's not prince charming.

[krisiabuhnana]

When that thing you're dreaming and praying for happens to someone else...😅😢

We'll get there, self. We'll get there soon.

[krisiabuhnana]

It's really painful to admit to yourself that at one point in your life, you failed as a bestfriend.

[krisiabuhnana]

It's time to manage my time, thoughts, feelings and expectations...

[krisiabuhnana]

It's days like this when I feel the pain of longing.

And I hate it. I hate it so much because I have no choice.

And if ever I was given a chance to have a choice,

It would still be just another stolen moment I have to live in.

And after that, I would still go back here, to this pain I'm feeling.

[krisiabuhnana]

Right then and there, I know I fell deeper.

I fell deeper than ever. I started loving him harder.

Harder than I thought I could ever love someone.

And the moment I realized it, fear crept in more.

And once again, I feel so many emotions that I never felt before.

[krisiabuhnana]

Why do I feel like everyone around me has their own expectation as to how should I be living my life at this very moment, or how should I manage my career and finances, or how should I handle my current relationship and how should we be progressing? I'm not sure if this is just me and this is just another "overthinking spree". Well, good for me if all of this are inexistent. But I know at the back of my mind that somehow, somewhere, someone around me thinks of these as if they are of their concern when it really shouldn't be.

Sorry to let you down, guys, but even I don't know where I am heading to. The long list of plans I once had narrowed down so much that even I felt like it was all worthless. I suddenly felt a bit frustrated and lost when I found myself not sure how to figure things out. It was only then when I realized that something in me doesn't seem right. I am okay. I am not sad, but not so happy either. I am barely living but some things around me that were once wonderful suddenly felt so dull.

Is this what they call quarter life crisis?😅

[krisiabuhnana]

Slowly, I'm learning... knowing my place in everybody's life.

Too bad I was doing so much for someone at the sidelines.

Maybe I gave even more, I gave too much of me.

I was so busy doing everything for them to be happy,

I am always the "go-to" person, the "one call away" friend,

Never thinking that I'm still going to be alone at the end.

[krisiabuhnana]

Would it be bad if I tell you that I'm craving for you?

[krisiabuhnana]

This is the reality, my love. I'm scarred and flawed and imperfect. I got so used to a little amount of affection, a little amount of attention, a little amount of love. I was used to putting myself and my thoughts aside. Apologies but this was what the past taught me. And all along I thought it was right. That I deserve to have only a little amount of everything. That I am not worthy to be understood for whatever I feel. That if I want people to love me, I have to change myself just to please everybody.

And then you came. And everything felt new, a little bit surreal at times. And you were there, up until now, filling me with so much affection, giving me attention and pouring out all the love that you can give. All of a sudden, me and my thoughts matter. My feelings became valid. I am loved for who I am. And so I slowly started to get scared because this is not what I was used to. But don't worry, no matter how scared I am, I'd be fighting for this with you.

And now, slowly but surely, little by little, I'm battling with all these traumas. Because having you in my life makes me want to be better for myself. And I know that some days, it will not be easy to love me. But I hope and I pray that you'll still choose to stay. With me. By my side. Holding my heart. For a lifetime.

God bless us, our health and our relationship.

[krisiabuhnana]

Tells my thoughts about something

Feels bad after

Thinks that I'm becoming a control freak

Starts to overthink

Then repeat 1 to 4.

Fuck. Until when are you going to be like that, self.

[krisiabuhnana]

Time to escape all these fuckin' thoughts that's trying to fill my entire being. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll get back in my senses.

Good night, dear self.