I hope everyone had a great new year and it was both happy and safe.
2023 was a wild one for me and I wanted to come here to write out my feelings as most of my social media is all happy....
Welp in Jan last year I was on a friends trip to only be brought down by a friend... it was a stupid comment that left me reeling about certain things. How can someone tear another person down because they love something, I truly don't get how any friend would do that. From there I really started keeping my distance.
Feb I am pretty sure I had covid right after my trip and then into being in Vegas for work. It was one of the hardest weeks as I was SO sick and couldn't just leave the team...
March fell into a place that was so happy so sad. It was the first Eras tour and my friends and I were so excited and getting our outfits prepared for opening night. We truly were in a fantasy world of WHAT IS GOING TO EVEN BE THE ERAS TOUR. It was truly even better to what we were expecting. As there was a lot of happiness there - in my personal family life there was a lot of heavy. My Great aunt fell ill pretty quickly and soon was in hospice care. I was given the chance to see her right after I got back from Arizona, but declined. Death has never been something I could accept and I found it hard to imagine her in a state where she wasn't her lively self. A few days later she passed away surrounded by her family.
April was really chill, it was a time of grief as we had just lost the one person who was at EVERY event.
As much fun as I had in April I don't think I really can describe it as I used going out as a distraction from what was happening. It was sad because I have only seen certain cousins at funerals and when we left this one I said "let's not let a funeral be the next time we see each other". The family was sad but making it through.
May was another time where there was a lot of family events. We went to Idaho for the first time and it truly was something so fresh and it was nice to get away from the chaos. I can't recall the exact time but a cousin fell ill (my great aunts daughter) and was in and out of the hospital from this time. It got to a point where she missed her own daughters wedding - a wedding that had been postponed so many times based on events she had no control of.
June I got to see my best friend, it was so nice to go to indy and see her be a mom and enjoy time with her family. It was the first time I got to be with her since she lost her dad so the few days I was with her meant so much. She has been my best friend since the Disney College Program in 2013 and it has been amazing to grow that.
July, one of the months that was a question mark... My cousin was still in the hospital she wasn't doing well and no one was giving us information, it felt downplayed and it was hard to think she was okay when she was not. BUT July was also a time I got to see more close friends in Oregon and there was yet another DCP reunion to celebrate a 30th birthday. It was so nice to be back in my home state but it was also a good reminder whyyyyyyyy I don't love going back.
August - slipped away like a moment in time... but really. It was a great time... for the most part... More friends and I were able to stay in a villa in Newport Beach for a week and it was quite enjoyable. Something I would never be able to do with out a friend having a great job. During this time we were able to go to the closing night of the Eras tour in LA and it really was such an enjoyable time. Sadly the end of the week my cousin lost her battle to cancer and it was rough. The night she passed I cried for an hour and really didn't know how to process. she was another person at every event or hosting the events. She was an amazing person and such a good friend to everyone.
September was the funeral- and remember how I told my cousin how we need to stop seeing each other at funerals, well sadly that was our next encounter. But that funeral brought out EVERYONE, my cousin was such a light in peoples lives and it showed with how many people showed up and had only kind things to say. She was one who connected with so many people and was again, everyone's friend. She was a teachers aid for kids with special needs and she truly changed lives. One thing that funeral brought was my cousin who I hadn't seen in YEARs closer. Her and I bonded over our love of pop culture and dancing with the stars where we really are able to talk once a week and it just is a fun catchup. September also brought a vacation - one I really wish didn't happen.. It honestly made me feel like such a bad friend for things out of my control and no one should ever feel that way... BUT it also is eye opening of how people think of you. September also brought the invite. THE INVITE.... and truly nothing was ever the same.
October... welp I met Taylor swift.... I turned 30... it was a magical month and It was the light I needed to a truly sad year I had.
November.... It really wasn't special but I started understanding why I need to focus on myself and take a step back... not everyone is going to like you but also, it should't be a thing where you feel like you're just there when convenient. This was where I connected more with friends of the past and felt it was time to start distancing.
December.... another interesting month, the first year without two important people. the entire family was sad and there is nothing anyone can do to change that for now. It just take time to process. but with the bad there was also good, I got to explore new places and try new things and typically I am just a disney girly but was able to try and expand my "influencer" account to really grow something that isn't just disney... although I think I lost more followers then gained it was cool to be creative. This is where I really stepped back and I thought I would have friend to support me and it back fired.... It had lead to a lot of self reflection yet again and to understand and pin point certain things. This brings me to today... January 1st, 2024... where I am optimistic for the new year. I am hopeful more good will come out of this year and I am hopeful for new things.
If you're reading this thank you for letting me vent. If you scrolled to this point well wtf... just kidding it was a ramble but I felt like I needed to vent... It is okay to be sad and it is also okay to write feelings...
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