From a Happy Heart

[krystellejill]

Practice

“Live today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, just today.  Inhabit your moments.  Don’t rent them out to tomorrow.” - Jerry Spinelli

In reflection, I have remembered some of my “grounding practices” that I’ve let go in one way or another over the past year.  Writing is one of them, as is running, hiking, and meditating. Reading this post from May 2014 brought tears to my eyes, because I thought, “How could I have forgotten?” We as humans may fall out of practice every now and then, but as I am currently learning, it is possible and it is important to lift ourselves back into that practice. And in that practice, may we reconnect and move onward.

Rae posted something recently that really resonated with me:  

To grow, we must let go. To transform, we must let go.   Then, with empty hands we can receive.

Today, may I learn to let go of what hinders me from being fully present, open, and alive.

I’m writing regularly again, and I plan to post at least once per month.  There is plenty in the current social and political climate that challenges my spirit, and for me, the only way to mend disconnection is to find the ways in which we can connect. Let’s take care of ourselves and of each other.

[krystellejill]

A Letter to My Younger Self

My Sweet Girl.  For some reason, it’s been difficult to reach you.  Perhaps I’ve forgotten you for too long.  How old are you now?  Twelve?  Ah, I see.  You’ve already been through a good amount, sweetheart… I think in your heart, you are much older.  You have already struggled too much with love and the absence of it, and I feel like I don’t have to deliver too much more to you in terms of things to learn.  Maybe I’m meeting you today because I need to learn from you.  Take notes, because these are important things I want you to keep for as long as you can.  

I think maybe I need to learn how to HOPE the way you do.  You feel so freely, and have these wonderful ideals.  I need to know again what it’s like to yearn for something so strongly—to pray for it every night, to cry, and to feel hurt.  I need to remember that it is okay to feel small and weak sometimes, and to seek comfort and safety.  I need to DREAM the way you do.  Because you are at this age where everyone is telling you that you can do all things.  When you’re older, you’ll have to dream and create for yourself, and there will be fewer people willing to dream and create with you.  While your world right now is limitless, you will be close to submitting to limits by the time you meet my age.  Remember that limits are lies.  Do your best to look beyond them.  I need to stop being so afraid to LOVE the way you do, so fervently and innocently.  You see, I am 17 years older than you now.  Between you and me, barriers have been built, and I’m just now realizing that although they keep us safe, it can make us seem cold sometimes.  I know you can’t really imagine living over twice as long as you have already.  But it is important for you to keep being you.  I know a little about how the years between us will play out, so I will try my best to give you what I know.

First of all, I am looking at you very fondly, because I do remember you.  I know you try so hard to understand and control everything.  That definitely will not change.  But my love, remember that it is not necessary to understand or control or predict everything.  You must leave for yourself the space to feel and be vulnerable and imperfect.  Life is such an amazing experience, no matter what you will encounter.  Always allow yourself the room to be surprised, excited, joyful, sad, frustrated, or angry.  Always be grateful, even when you are scared, confused, or lost.  Remember,  the beauty of being lost sometimes is that you will never be lost by that way again.  You may even be able to help others find their way!

You have fire in you, sweetheart.  Not the kind that everyone sees right away or the kind that scorches so quickly before providing any warmth, but the kind of quiet, enduring fire whose Light you will sometimes have to depend completely on to lead you through the darkness.  He is that source of light, my love, and may you never lose sight of Him.  With Him, you will persevere and continue through everything that comes your way.  Do not let that light go out, no matter how discouraged you may find yourself.  Fight to keep it burning.  If there ever is a fight to choose, always, ALWAYS choose this fight.

By the grace of God, you will be surrounded by people who share in the same light you do. Never stop looking for that light in others.  I know you often feel alone.  But you’ll find that sharing love and joy and kindness will afford you so much more of the same in return.  You won’t always speak, and it will be a while before you find your voice.  But your thoughts are powerful, so be impeccable with your word.  Only communicate in truth and hold others to do the same.

You will become a builder.  You will take everything you have learned about feeling broken and powerless and discouraged, and it will all enable you to help EMPOWER and ENCOURAGE others more resolutely.  You will work through everything that comes your way.  If there is anything I can promise, I promise you that you will be challenged.  You will learn difficult lessons.  And just when you think you know something, you will be challenged to learn again.  Never refuse a lesson.  Because I also promise you that each of those lessons will be worthwhile.  They will shape who you are and who you will become.  Who you become after all is said and done will be worth it all. YOU, my love, are worth becoming.  Do not ever forget this.

You are going to learn so much about love.  You will learn about loving without condition.  You will learn that love requires work.  And you will learn that truly loving means that you will expose yourself to being vulnerable and possibly hurt.  But all your lessons on love will open you up to tremendous joy, and you will have amazing people to share the journey with.

I’m excited for you, and you should be excited, too!  Because our journey doesn’t even stop where I am today.  You and I are going places!  And I promise to keep you with me this time.  I’ll answer all your questions, and you can answer some of mine.  I’ll take good care of you.  You don’t have to worry or feel alone.  Know that I am here now.  And that I love you.

[krystellejill]

Running

"Today I ran for pure, absolute joy. My past set me free to enjoy the present moment, and I planned to enjoy it to the fullest. No man ever felt so blessed by God as I did in that moment." -Lopez Lomong, Running for My Life

On Memorial Day, I went on a morning 5-mile run. I (admittedly) haven't run in a while, but something compelled me to take advantage of my day off in that way. I woke up, and there was no question, no debate. It was something I knew: "I am going to run 5 miles today." And though it has been a few months since I have run regularly (I've kept active in other ways), I was excited to find that I was not tired even after my run. I could have run more. I ran nonstop, beat a personal record, & I felt completely at peace.

After this, a humble realization set in-- I am an athlete. By no means do I think I'm some Olympian or worthy of any high sports recognition. There are tons more people who are more fit and more agile than me. But I derive joy from running, among other outdoor activities. It is one of the things I can do where I instantly feel open, present, & alive-- the three things I remind myself to be every day in everything I do.

When running, I feel more connected with myself & with everything around me. I think about all the people in my life who inspire me, encourage me, even challenge me-- and with every step I send my goodwill back out to them. I feel them present with me, and I hope they know I am present with them. Their energy is converted into forward motion. It's the kind of motion I think love comes from.

Everyone has something unique that brings them to the same place. Perhaps they haven't found it yet. Perhaps there are many things that bring them to that place. No matter what it is, I believe it is important to practice it. To consistently perform something that gives you a sense of achievement, a "satisfaction of spirit." And when we practice it, we become, in a sense, an "athlete of God." We honor the part of ourselves where the universe dwells, and I like to think this act empowers others to do the same.

[krystellejill]

Present

We must cherish the time we have with others. We must be present, open, alive.

2013 is for me, the year of the Present. At least, it’s the year I am learning most about its value. Before last Fall, I always said, “I have nothing to my name. The only thing of real worth I can give to another is my time.” While this is still technically true, I have found the need to take it one step further.

The best gift we can give to others is our presence.

How many times have we physically been around others, but denied them our presence (consciously or unconsciously)? We miss what people are saying to us. We arrive to gatherings and meetings while preoccupied with other matters. We fail to give our 100% to those around us. And as a result, we communicate to them that they have diminished importance in our lives.

Near the end of last year, I was in a heated exchange with a loved one. I was asked, with frustration and exasperation evident in their tone, “What do you want from me!? What do you want me to do??” I responded, “I want you to be here! I want you to be present.” It was a raw, heartfelt plea. It was a prayer. And later, I realized that it is the core of what we could ever want from another. It is the only truly valuable gift we can give and share and receive. It is what we give as a result of love. It is how love is passed.

I am trying my best every day to be present to others, and just as importantly, to be present to myself. Like many things, it is harder done than said. But in order to truly live, being present is required. We must not tarry in the past or spend too much time daydreaming/worrying about the future. If we take life as it comes and appreciate what we are given, we allow ourselves to be joyful, healed, free people. We are more able to respond to challenges effectively, building a strong sense of self-awareness that can carry us through anything. We can connect more honestly with others. And I’ve found through offering my presence, I have been able to find community, and create stronger connections with my friends, family, & even my faith. Many times & in many ways within the past year, I have learned that we must cherish the time we have with one another. None of us is promised the future. But we do have the present. And what an amazing thing it is to have and share.

[krystellejill]

Clarity

I often find that I’m able to achieve clarity when I write about my experiences— especially the challenging ones. That’s when the revelations happen… when I believe God holds the pen in my hands & helps me express what is in my heart. In those sessions, I can sometimes detect different voices in my writing. It almost becomes a personal therapy session between the underdeveloped, younger me that I will call my ego— the part of me who struggles & questions— and the higher me. The Krystelle I intend to be— my best self, who conducts herself with calm, steady peace.

I think when we love ourselves enough, we are enabled to build this “ideal self,” the vision of who we want to be. In the face of suffering & challenges, our ego (that part of us that experiences pain) asks our higher self, “Who do I want to be in this moment?” Then, “What does that look like, feel like, sound like, even taste like?” We then choose our response accordingly. Do I want to be a vengeful person, or a healed person? A victim, or a survivor? It is the difference between choosing a broken heart, or an open heart.