KUGY KALUZA

Music. Ego. Memories. UA-61634563-1

[kugykaluza]

Water Fast Journey, 2019

Day 1:

13:13, i think I'm okay, feel a bit hungry and dizzy

[pinkmisspiggy]

being touchstarved makes u absolutely buckwild when someone does smth simple like .share a chair with u

[pinkmisspiggy]

like having someone touch your hand with the tips of their fingers shouldn’t feel like So Much it shouldn’t feel like your whole body is going into anaphylactic shock but here we are. here we are.

[pinkmisspiggy]

ok 2 many of u relate

[kaijuhearmenow]

Someone gave me a compliment and reached out and squeezed my hand and I fell in love and couldn’t speak for several minutes

[felesrubrum]

I was just gonna type this in the tags but I have to say this.

Growing up in North America is surreal.  Every tiny little blip of physical affection is deemed as sexual interest. Boys aren’t allowed to hug eachother because “that’s gay.” Girls can’t hold hands because “are they going out?” And GOD FORBID a female friend hugs a male friend.

Having lived in the Netherlands, and reading up about shit like this, Canadians and Americans are starving. 

I went to Japan for a school trip in 2012. I went to a highschool there. There were boys hugging, lounging on those blue gym floor mats, holding hands, trowing their arms around eachother. I was startled by how shocked I was.

This mentality of “if you’re touching you must have sexual interest in the other person” is so fucking disgusting. Hug your friends. Hold hands with them. Touch their hands when you want to reassure them.

[itsjustanamebro]

Unfortunately that is… Very true

[kugykaluza]

Everyone talks about depression but they never talks about what happen next. Self-depreciating jokes always float on the internet, and it becomes part of your identity, the depressed bitch. Until one day, you realized youre not depressed anymore. Havent been depressed in such a long time, even your therapist told you so. Yes, life is still shitty and you can get sad sometimes yet you know youre not depressed. But they never tell you, that it will take awhile for you to fully accept that youre no longer depressed, that those memes you used to relate to will not be relatable anymore and you gotta let go the depression culture™️. Yes, life is still shitty and you can get sad sometimes but i hope one day you recover from your depression so my words could finally make sense to you. Keep on fighting.

[kugykaluza]

has anyone posted this yet?

[kugykaluza]

months, it has been months and you still occupy my mind. You might never realised how much someone can like you, or you might grasp the idea already. Pretty sure im not the first person to fell head over heel for you.

[kugykaluza]

[kugykaluza]

All is forgiven for we have been happy, Au Revoir.

[kugykaluza]

if that insane things keep you going, just do it man, as long as it doesnt pass your moral compass

[kugykaluza]

week 7

lot of twist occurred

decided that i won't attend neither lalala nor mugal

i could handle skipping on my favourite artists

yet I'm not sure if i can recover from the feeling of being left alone

if one or two of those close friend of mine, decides to bail out at the last minute

i have to protect my own feeling

[kugykaluza]

not a cry for help, i will manage

Please, please be here for me dear 

 Cause I've never needed a friend more 

 And I cant stress enough how much it means to me that you're trying 

 And I don't mind if you can't hold me like you used to 

Cause I've never hated myself more 

 But this is just a bump in the road and I promise I'm trying

[kugykaluza]

Life is a collection of moments, the idea is to have as many good one as you can

5 to 7

[kugykaluza]

week 6

week 1 was rough, week 2 was even tougher, yet i managed.

week 3, i know that i am numb

week 5, lost my phone with shit ton of memories but can't even feel any sadness

week 6, walking through the end of it i just want to smile for no reason

trust the UNIVERSE also God, everything won't make sense but you just gotta keep on living, i HAVE TO keep on breathing

[kugykaluza]

lost my phone.

[kugykaluza]

Now i completely understand what you mean when you said we’re just too fucked up for each other. Maybe i misunderstood, but at least i /believe/ that this is the explanation ive been looking for weeks. Even when i still dont get your exact reason. You and i shall focus to work on ourselves first, for a better version of ourselves. We were happy, or at least i hope we were, but we also were toxic for each other. We were in our comfort zone, yet we forgot to face the actual problem. Au revoir!

[kugykaluza]

i don't want to live

but no courage to take my life either

im not sure not of everything

a disgrace to my family

a burden

a disappointment

i can't

[kugykaluza]

[kugykaluza]

You were the memories I knew I was going to miss as I was living them. The conversations I’d have to get used to not having so often when that day came. There was a time where we’d pick up right where we left off. Now, these days I struggle to even say hello or know how to. I want to ask how you’re doing. But I don’t want to know the truth. Because what if you say you’re better off without me.