Three weeks ago, my partner and I were visiting Ile Ngor (a small Island off the coast of Dakar, Senegal). We were at a restaurant, looking out at the water, talking about high school; the people we knew, how at that time we felt so insecure and lost. We were discussing all the time we had spent worried about what others thought, how that changed the way we acted and who we chose to be friends with. And how looking back, there were certain people we wish we had been closer to, that with all those feelings of doubt and loneliness, having friends like that would have made such a difference. Those people we should have reached out too because they were good, kind people. Then I told him a story about Paige.
During the last few months of my senior year, I was actively in my eating disorder, abusing my body, struggling with depression, anxiety, and a bad home environment. There was a group of students in the theater dept. who spoke poorly of me. They spread unflattering rumors about what I did on the weekends, the way I looked, did my makeup, etc. I remember one day during theater class, a group of us were assigned to go clean the dressing rooms. There, a friend of mine told about what these other students had been saying. I burst into tears and cried on her shoulder. I cried because I already felt so small, was so full of self-loathing. I cried because I couldn’t understand why they were saying these things about me, couldn’t they see I already hated myself?
The rumors continued, fighting, etc.- I started avoiding class and decided I would skip the end of the year theater banquet. Even though I had been a lead in the spring musical. I felt attacked but I also felt like I deserved it. The things that people were saying about me matched all the things I was already telling myself. At the last minute, I stopped by the event just to say goodbye to my teacher. When I arrived, Paige was standing on stage talking about me.
She was saying that the things people were saying about me were wrong. She told the crowd that she had seen me when I found out about the rumors. She said it hurt me. She told everyone they should stop gossiping about me because it was mean and it got back to me. She said it hurt me and because of that, they needed to stop. I remember Paige standing there- so brave and self-assured. I wish I had stayed to hear the rest but I was too ashamed and embarrassed so left and never talked about it until 3 weeks ago.
Even though I don’t remember her being there, she was in the dressing room that day. I found out later, our teacher had assigned a few underclassmen to the graduating seniors to say a few positive things about them. Instead of spouting out a few compliments about me, Paige went in front of our peers (mostly older than she was) and stood up for me.
So I was telling my partner this story 3 weeks ago and at the end, I said “You know, I really should thank her because I still remember it, because I haven’t forgotten all these years later. She probably has no idea what it meant to me, what it still means to me.” I put off sending her a message because I got busy and I didn’t want to be weird, thanking her for something she may not have even remembered- and now she’s gone.
So I’m writing this all down because I want someone else to know what she did and what it meant to me. I want at least one more person to know that she got up in front of all those people and defended me at a time when I couldn’t even defend myself. Paige made me feel worthy like I was worthy of protecting. And for someone struggling with self-hatred and self-mutilation, having someone do that for you is unforgettable.
So for some cosmic reason, a few weeks ago, I spoke about what Paige did for me and planned to thank her. I can’t thank her now so I just need someone else to know, I need to tell someone else that she was brave and she was good. I want someone else to read this and know about what she did- because now she’s gone. Thank Paige.
kaledo-art
2087
annaxmalina
areudirty
gummygunk
snowghoul
dailybridgerton
jacobvanloon