[iwoulddothatifiwereme]

[kunciuskuncius]

i feel like all the other young people around me are living so fast... travelling to 5 different countries per year, always being so busy with projects, with festivals, with a revolving routine of friends to keep up with... i cannot comprehend how some of them are able to keep it all up logistically, let alone emotionally. I just spent the last couple of days simply reading, eating and sleeping, staying up during the nights and sometimes going out for a run. And this feels so good but I cant help but feel like I should be feeling guilty even though I'm not (and at the same time kind of cant understand why someone would ever choose so much activity over what I'm doing hahahaha)

there used to be a pattern (ive gotten better at this) where whenever I'd retreat I'd feel like I was wasting my life, and whenever I'd have a period of more intense activity I'd feel frustrated that im spreading myself thin, and when not reading I'd feel like my brain is atrophying, and when reading too much I'd feel like I'm not living.. I'm trying to get better at just trusting that whatever I want to be doing right now is good and okay, and that there is a season for everything and that each of those seasons bears its own fruits which I can savour without guilt.. just staying in my own lane...

[kunciuskuncius]

songs that got me through the last third of my spontaneous 70km scottish bike trip [which i was absolutely unfit and unprepared for!]

[kunciuskuncius]

[kunciuskuncius]

Catherine Gander

[simena]

[mysterium-solis]

Ghost Flock by Alasdair Wallace (b. 1967)

[kunciuskuncius]

i'm soo... idk.... i keep finding myself in this uncomfortable space where i try to move away from self-imposed conditions of worth and to just show up the way I am, but then whenever someone appears to be disappointed in who i am (especially if it's an accumulation of a few small instances) it still messes with my mood and sense of self so much to the point that i sometimes i think i might be better off just being performative. maybe the goal is just to explicitly try and embrace myself as a completely terrible human being.

[kunciuskuncius]

Hans-Georg Gadamer, 1960

[ringo-starr-daily]

All of the Beatles dying in a glue trap

[dontmutilatemymink]

[kunciuskuncius]

ahhh i've been been feeling for a while that eventually i do want a family, and yet i never seem to fall for anyone that i could actually envision that with. what is that about? yes fear of commitment and of finality etc etc, but also maybe i haven't really looked into understanding what building a family is about... first of all being two committed equals in relationship, imperfect and not-knowing together, dedicated to sticking to each other in a path that is often obscure and meandering... i really seem to prefer encounters where i feel an intensity, a potential for mutual transformation, a certainty about a part of a person even if that means carrying other very heavy parts --- but these encounters never feel like they could be a basis for a life together, especially not one that would involve kids... so the question is, do i really want a family then, or do i just like the idea of it, if i seem to be so drawn to the opposite? the clock is ticking.. :'s

[kunciuskuncius]

favourite shirt to make my graying hair pop

[persianmom-deactivated20260602]

carl jung girl you were so right about avoidance

[persianmom-deactivated20260602]

“if we don't accept our own destiny, a different kind of suffering takes its place: a neurosis develops, and I believe that that life which we have to live is not as bad as a neurosis. if I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality. a neurosis is a much greater curse! in general, a neurosis is a replacement for an evasion, an unconscious desire to cheat life, to avoid something. one cannot do more than live what one really is. and we are all made up of opposites and conflicting tendencies. after much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it is better to live what one really is and accept the difficulties that arise as a result-because avoidance is much worse.”

[beguines]

. . . allow yourself to love what you love without second-guessing—we all have to stand somewhere, be at home somewhere. Measure yourself against what you love without despairing too much about how far you fall short. Cultivate a spirit of ambivalence. I don't think absolute moral certainty and art can occupy the same space. Art comes out of ambivalence, a sense that the world is bigger and more various than we are capable of comprehending, that we approach the mystery in bafflement and humility, not in sureness.

Kate Cayley's advice for aspiring poets

[kunciuskuncius]

shared a bed with a stray cat tonight... interesting... time for my run

[kunciuskuncius]