jun often finds himself wondering, internally, how his family had expected him to be an impenetrable force when they’d brought him up to value their thoughts & opinions over everything else, especially over his own. when he made the difficult choice of being his own person over pleasing them, unlearning the ideas that had been drilled into his brain was, and still is, a strenuous process. but it seems no matter how far he comes, deep down, he will always seek their approval. now, it’s just a process of accepting that it’s something he won’t ever receive. maybe in a few years, he’ll come to terms with that & be okay. but for now, he can only feel like he did as a child, heartbroken & desperate to mean something, to not be a failure. because — because being a failure is the worst thing he could ever be.
his throat is tight with grief as he tries to minimize the sounds of his tearful anguish, though it hardly works; tiny sobs & ragged breaths slipping through here & there. in the back of his mind, he knows he must sound & look pathetic, but a small part of him is also relieved; he’d been holding in these feelings so long, it’s a little satisfying to get them out, for now. he’s not thrilled about these circumstances at all, but beggars can never be choosers, right?
the insistent touch to his hands makes his heart swell, and almost stop. he almost wants to fight it, not wanting judai to see his face torn up with emotion, but for once, he lets the other reach out; he accepts the invitation. wet, dark eyes shimmer as they look curiously at judai, searching the other boy’s face for any trace of insincerity — mostly out of habit, for he knows going in that he won’t find any. his cheeks are slightly flushed, a similar pale shade of red marking the circumferences of his eyes, along with wet stains where tears had fallen. he figures it’s not his most attractive look, but as he stares into judai’s warm eyes, feels the comforting touch of his skin as they literally hold hands, he feels something. he can’t quite define it now, and maybe he doesn’t even want to, or is too afraid to look into the implications of what the hell is going on in his chest, right now. but a symptom of this emotion is comfort, relief. he’s with someone who cares about him, someone who really cares about him, and it’s a good feeling.
years & years had gone by, leaving him without the affection & connection he so desperately sought from his brothers. they dangled it over him like a prize to be won, but always made sure it was just out of reach, to motivate jun to continue with their plans for him. but that’s not what love of any kind is supposed to be like — grasping at the air, trying to make a meal of crumbs. no — it’s meant to be a mutual declaration of pride in one another, of faith & patience & so many other wonderful things that jun thought he would never know. but he’s starting to know them, now.
the way the brunette fumbles his words actually prompts the slightest smile from jun, who turns his head slightly away, attempting to hide it. but it’s there, and he figures only this slacker could make him smile at a time like this. jun’s shoulders drop a little, a bit of tenseness melting out of them, and he exhales heavily, knowing that what he’s about to say is deeply personal, and something he’d always insisted on keeping to himself. but perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to let judai in just a little bit. “ i … thank you. all i ever knew how to do was to base my worth on what they thought of me. i’m starting to break out of that, but … it’s hard. i doubt myself a lot … i just don’t know what to do without them, sometimes. they were all i had for most of my life. i thought they wanted what was best for me. they told me they did. but they only want what’s best for themselves, and for the family name. the path i want to take doesn’t align with that, so … in their eyes, i’ll always be … ”
his chest clenches, and he inhales sharply. it hurts to admit, it hurts so much, but he has to come to terms with it.
“ in their eyes, i’ll always be a failure. a mistake. and it’s hard to accept that when all i ever wanted was to make them proud. but, i have to work on making myself proud, now. for me. and for the people that are here for me. ” he averts his gaze, but squeezes judai’s hands a little, his face starting to heat up at the implication. “ thank you, for being here for me, judai. ”
his heart almost breaks watching his friend - one of his closest friends. face down such pain , now thinking how how he would be alone. working through this - in the darkened dorm. how many times ? has he opted out of comfort from his friends ? it’s weird - how lonely jun seemed now , you'd think growing up with brothers would be something fun. far from an empty silent house - but he guessed. reality wasn't always what it was cracked up to be.
even though - growing up he’d technically been alone a lot of the time, it never felt that, lonely. really. though maybe he just hadn’t had anything to compare it to. until - well the academy. and his friends - he couldn’t even imagine feeling lonely now. not with the people he'd surrounded himself with. people he loved. and he just wanted his friend to feel the same ! that warmth. the security of having people to lean on. warm hands trace small patterns on paler skin. and act of comfort. he could remember - his mother doing similar when he was sick. letting him know , everything was going to be okay. small smile on his face. the fact - that jun was letting this happen. letting him help. letting him in - just showed how much he’d grown. and he was proud ! so proud of his friend.
“ it’s no problem - i’m always gonna be here for you bro. even when you rank back up - cause then i get to steal your better food and - “ a chuckle. working his talent of lifting the atmosphere. an attempt to entice another small smile from his friend. in effort of letting his friend know - it’s all totally cool , and normal. without bringing up that he sees sho cry all the time - the comparison might have an adverse reaction.
“ -even if you’re not there yet, jun. no one here see’s you as a failure, no way. an’ i wouldn’t want anyone else as a rival , you’re the best ! er - almost.” he had to give himself some credit - he was pretty good too. though jun, never failed to impress him. duelling him was exciting, until the very end. yeah - there was no doubt his friend was going to go far. with or without help from his brothers.
