bijuu apologist

[thatanxiouskiwi]

a little bit of headcanon!

I find the thought of Orochimaru showing up full-glam to Kushina’s and Minato’s wedding revenge-dress-style because Jiraya’s student (who’s barely in his twenties if my math is mathing right) was made Hokage instead of them hilarious.  So, here’s what I Imagined they’d go with ;P

Ignore how this is a shameless excuse to draw my favorite morally compromised mad scientist in fancy clothes

[kushina-liker]

sakura is so fun because she can and will be anything. textually, she has no clan techniques and is starved for approval and positive attention; her intellect and determination mean she's very likely to succeed, and her lack of any strong personal moral compass means she will try pretty much anything. metatextually, the fact that kishimoto doesn't give a shit about her at all means that she kind of lacks personal qualities, which makes her very mutable for fandom. obviously I wish he would have just wrote her good but it's certainly fun and funny

[reductionisms]

the erroneous complexity of naruto’s politics is explained by the dysfunction between kishimoto’s conception of konoha as the Imperial Japanese military vs his conception of konoha as a historical shinobi alliance against an exploitative power. as the Imperial Japanese military, we see that konoha is separate from and equal with its host country. it also operates as a military state itself, supposedly waging wars of its own volition and enforcing its statehood on its citizens through generational propaganda and mass violence, i.e. uchiha massacre. this matches well with the Imperial Japanese military post Meiji-restoration; it also explains why kishimoto portrays these aspects of konoha as ultimately ethical, because the former Imperial military is still cast in this light nationwide. on the other hand, when kishimoto investigates the sources of suffering and violence, he ends up leaning heavily on shinobi as they are historically: a social minority, subordinate to the leaders of economically-driven states who force them to commit mass violence in order to survive physically and economically (land of waves, pain arc, founders era). furthermore, konoha was canonically founded in historical reasoning; that is, in canon it is founded almost as a worker’s union with the goal of gradual demilitarization, not as the Imperial Japanese Military. in the end, however, kishi’s nationalism wins out. he ignores the historical systemic suffering of shinobi, which he wrote in expressly for konoha’s redemption, and chooses to portray it as a “sinless” military state… while still leaving in the historical basis upon which konoha could be condemned and reworked. crazy!

[ahkaraii]

I wanna know all about the misadventures of 2 meter tall Kisame and politely politraumatized 13 year old Itachi!!!!!

Itachi grew up to be someone Kisame highly respected and whose orders he followed, but the guy met this kid when he was — well, HE WAS A KID! I know Kishimoto sucks at drawing characters their proper age (in a similar fashion to how he sucks at writing women) so I enjoy doodling it out and thinking about it.

–God!! Itachi!!! Was so fucking smol!!! How the heck did Kisame not eat him on the spot!!!

[tobiramainprofile]

#i’m halfway thinking itachi just had like… a long running genjutsu of him looking older#and when he grew into the image he let it go#because how the hell did this boy enter akatsuki#how the heck did he look so old when he was supposedly 13#i am!! confusion!!!!#god damn it kishimoto

[sasukeless]

girl wake up brazilian narusasu amv just dropped....

[elizabeths-prologue]

I think Hinata should have had more weird girl energy. She should say weird shit and offer no explanation.  

[kuroscurro]

obito v. kakashi but it’s set to ABBA’s mamma mia

[mixelation]

I wish you would write a fic with orochimaru/team taka/Oto whatever something something thesis snake. The thesis snakes are real in Oto and they're probably summons.

[the thesis snake fight]

AU where Oto is just run like the most fucked up research university you’ve ever conceived. Missions come with grades. You have to propose and defend a research project a la qualifying exams and then if Orochimaru doesn’t like it you just become a subject for a better project. being a jounin sensei is considered a TAship

Karin, who hasn’t slept or consumed non-caffeinated food in three days and MIGHT be currently able to see into other dimensions: what do you M E A N you haven’t prepared anything for your defense 

Sasuke: Oh, I’m just going to fight the snake. 

Karin, whose caffeinated molecules might be vibrating her into those other dimensions: The dangerousness of the snake correlates negatively with research quality and you havE ZERO QUALITY??

Sasuke: Yeah, I hope Orochimaru isn’t too bummed when I kill Manda. :/

Karin: AAAAAAAH

[kushina-liker]

OBVIOUSLY we get a portrait for the cave girls too. just a little later because our dear readers didn’t know they were stuck in a cave yet. don’t they look cute with their hair grown out??

[kushina-liker]

we never actually get to see the unboxing video in tiub proper and obviously hinata doesn’t like to describe her horrible new look, but here it is! what trans person cannot relate to gloomily touching the wooden ribs that pierce their false flesh and wishing they didn’t have x ray vision because it would make their total lack of a heart much less upsetting?

[kushina-liker]

sakura (really enjoying being orochimaru’s apprentice) and hinoka (clawing desperately to escape being orochimaru’s apprentice)

[simkjrs]

basically i think after tobirama and madara get hitched to each other for political reasons they have to get a marriage counselor to deal with the fact that they cant stand each other as people and during one of their sessions madara talks about how he feels like tobirama is always disrespecting him by ignoring him when madara tells him something he can clearly hear. and tobiramas like well if i can clearly hear it why would i need to respond… it’s a waste of time… and they argue for it about 20 minutes before the counselor interrupts and tells tobirama that “you need to say ‘ok’ in response when you hear the other person’s message or they might think you didn’t hear it.” and tobirama reluctantly agrees. madara thinks this is great news and a win for him because tobirama finally starts acknowledging it when he hears madara yelling messages at him from across the house but then he realizes that tobirama only started saying “ok” to him so that when he doesnt say “ok” it will be clearer that he is ignoring madara on purpose.

[simkjrs]

i think the reason madara is yelling at tobirama from across the house is because at the beginning of their marriage they had a completely awful grueling 48 hour long two-person court to divide the house in two and decide who owns which items and which spaces and they will never ever cross the line into the others territory. so they just ignored each other but if they needed something they’d yell across the house.

but then madara had to start talking to tobirama because one of tobiramas lab experiments trashed madaras bedroom (accident). madara tried to make hashirama repair it but hashirama said madara needed to learn how to talk to tobirama like a mature adult so madara tried to make tobirama fork over part of his territory to compensate but tobirama said “i dont care about collateral damage because this isnt my house” and blew up madaras study too (purposeful). so madara had to say pretty please dont blow up my house with both of us in it and let me sleep on your half of the house. and tobirama was like okay. since you asked so graciously. ill let you sleep on the couch.

anyways tobirama is very serious about sleeping early and getting up early and he is really picky about eating healthy and eating nice and he likes to have a clean environment as well so madara is literally strong armed into a healthy living style while sleeping on tobiramas couch (in his own home) and it is so dreadful and awful that he hires constructors to rebuild his half of the house as fast as possible but then tobirama cancels the contract with his authority as madaras newly wedded huswife because he doesnt want construction workers in the house and also he can do it better anyways so if madara wants the house fixed up so badly he should just pay tobirama to do it.

and then madara does pay tobirama to do it because hes sick of this and tobirama is insufferably a control freak during the construction process and insults all of madaras architectural tastes and as soon as tobirama finishes rebuilding madaras half of the house madara clotheslines him for trespassing on his half of the house. and then in the subsequent fight they end up blowing up madaras newly repaired bedroom and study again but this time tobirama wont let him sleep on the couch because hes mad madara wasted all of his work. so then madara has to go sleep at hashiramas house and hashirama makes fun of him for being put in the doghouse by his wife and madara tries to choke him out. thanks

[simkjrs]

heres my take on what i think should happen if tobirama and madara were forced to cohabitate for the good of konoha or something

[naturalnecrosis]

obsessed with that post abt how madatobi fic is just hashirama sellinf tobirama to one direction but now i cant stop thinking about izuna being sent to live with the uchiha and acting like gayle waters-waters

[fitia-deactivated20240523]

[kushina-liker]

I spend all day every day thinking about how much I love tenzou. I’m going to make him the deuteragonist of every fanfiction I write from now on. even the ones that aren’t naruto fanfiction. where is the tenzou time travel fixit fic?? where is tenzou’s hippy dippy mystical summon experience?? WHERE is the fanfiction about tenzou doing all the work around here and never being appreciated and finally breaking his ankle in a crystal cave and having everyone say oh my gd you’re so brave and so beautiful???

[kushina-liker]

your honor I love him