『迷惑をかける』

❝私は、空に自分の名前を書いた しかし、風がそれを吹き飛ばした。❞ ❝私は、砂の中に自分の名前を書いた しかし、波はそれを洗い流し。❞ — ◍ - ◍ - ◍ - ◍ —

[kxmyvng]

I've been struggling to find the motivation to do a lot of things lately. Getting out of bed has become such a hassle that sometimes I don't even think about replies, or roleplaying in general. I'm kind of wondering how long I can keep this up, or if this is a sign that I should stop.

I dunno, really.

I won't be online tomorrow or the day after (for Thanksgiving and Black Friday). Hopefully by Saturday I can have things sorted out, whether it be continuing, another hiatus, or just throwing the towel. I have to figure it out.

[inarinokanata]

"You do..?" Kanata almost congratulated himself on the way his voice sounded: genuinely surprised, and with a hint of hope and curiosity. "What a fortunate coincidence.. do you think you could introduce me to that person? And oh, don’t worry…" he almost chuckled, "I’m going to buy the book anyway, if it’s a good one."

Kanata smiled bashfully at Myungsoo’s comment about the scarf, and as he moved away he had to close his hand in a fist to fight the urge to reach for Myungsoo’s hair and fix it as well. Relieved by his chuckle, he simply followed him, staring at him, and at his back, and at the way he was handling his job. “Have you been working here for a long time? I think I came to this bookstore sometime, but… I would have remembered about you if I had met you before.”

He stopped next to Myungsoo, maybe even a little too close, and leaned in to watch the book he was showing to him. It did seem reliable, Kanata could tell it as well at first glance, but he decided to take his time anyway, inspecting the pages as Myungsoo was skimming though them. “It looks good..” he agreed.

[kxmyvng]

Kanata's reaction was good, and Myungsoo even acknowledged it as well. "Hm... Well, I suppose it wouldn't be any trouble. If you ask me, I think he'd be more than happy to help you out." He paused, glancing over at the other with a curious hum. "Ah... Well that's good, then." He personally couldn't care less whether or not Kanata decided to purchase the book or not. He was just glad to see him.

"It's probably my favorite thing to wear," he continued, referring to the scarf around his neck. "It really keeps me warm these days. And I just like it a lot." As he walked, he let Kanata speak, nodding his head. "Mm, I've been working here for a few months, actually..." He glanced bak at the other. "But I'm not the only one that works here, so you may have just missed me."

Myungsoo didn't mind Kanata being so close, even if it did make his heart race. From such a short distance, he could catch a whiff of Kanata's scent, and it calmed him down. He was in some weird state of both serenity and anxiousness that left him confused as to what to do with himself. It was so difficult not to lean against the male, and lay his head on his shoulder for a while. But he refrained, merely looking over at the other once he spoke. "You think so, too? I'd say this is your best option. A lot of the other ones are... Well, I'm not supposed to say, but--" he leaned over, speaking into Kanata's ear. "They're not very good. A lot of the books here, actually..." He chuckled as he leaned back, smiling warmly and closing the book. "Were you looking for anything else?"

[inarinokanata]

Kanata nodded, biting on his lower lip to hold back a too revealing smile. “Yes, guitars. I thought about starting to play again, but I’m just too… busy… to look for a teacher, so… I guess I will have to let a book help me.” He rubbed the back of his neck, and maybe noticed something on Myungsoo’s face because this time he couldn’t really help but smile sincerely.

His fingers stroked the fabric before he made a small move, to actually fix that clumsily wrapped scarf. “It suits you…” he said, and his tone of voice mimicked the smile of a few moments before. After a moment of silence and stillness, he stepped to the side and looked around, as he let Myungsoo show him the way.

[kxmyvng]

"Oh, really?" The interest in Myungsoo's voice wasn't nearly as fake as the time before. "So... Instructional books it is." His expression softened. "Though, I feel an obligation to tell you that I know somebody that wouldn't mind teaching you. For free, even."

His eyes followed Kanata's fingers as they rubbed the soft material--he'd always had some sort of fascination with Kanata's hands. As the other reached out to fix the scarf, Myungsoo's head tilted, the hair that had fallen over his eyes only partially concealing the way that he took the opportunity to admire the male's features up close with a soft smile. His smile immediately widened at the flirtatious comment, and he gave a knowing nod of his head in reply. "I thought so, too. The one who gave it to me has excellent taste."

With a soft chuckle, he led Kanata in the direction of instructional books, his fingers trickling along the spines of the books until he found one that he had been told was helpful. Pulling it out, he showed it to Kanata. "I've heard this one is good." He opened it, skimming through some of the contents. It seemed reliable.

[kxmyvng]

[ifntsoo]

[inarinokanata]

Kanata had briefly taken into account a few things: Myungsoo’s tired, but not as tired expression, his red scarf, how bored and maybe even sleepy he looked, how that smile threatened to show itself, and how slowly he had approached him.

Kanata lowered his gaze, and licked his lips, looking at the books in front of him. He had no idea of what he was looking at - he really wasn’t that interested in literature - and Myungsoo’s soft and casual voice almost startled him as he lifted his chin up to look back at him.

It was hard not to smile, really hard, at the sight of that hint of playfulness in Myungsoo’s eyes. “Yes, thank you…” Kanata straightened his back, amused and almost too pleased by that little game they seemed to be playing. “I was looking for a book about… guitars.” There was a soft, and quite flirtatious smile on his face as he reached for that red fabric and murmured: “Nice scarf, by the way.”

[kxmyvng]

Myungsoo was delighted when it appeared that Kanata had chosen to play along. He stood up straight as well with that same playful yet expectant look on his face. Once he finally recieved an answer, he quirked a curious brow. "Oh, guitars?" He repeated, putting emphasis on the final word to mock sales employees that tried to hard to seem interested in their customer's interests. "Well, come right this way, then." It was so hard not to laugh at himself.

When Kanata pointed out the scarf, the sleepy dullness of his eyes replaced with a happy gleam; he had noticed the scarf, and wow, that smile... He chuckled softly. "Thanks. It was a birthday present." He pointed out. "Now, if you'll just follow me, I can show you where those books are."

[kxmyvng]

Kanata rubbed his face a couple of times, took a deep breath and stepped inside the bookstore. He tried his best to keep his expression as neutral as possible, but couldn't prevent himself from looking around for Myungsoo before walking to the nearest pile of books.

Myungsoo had been at the front desk, just as he had been the last time the two had an encounter. He sat in a lazy manner that clearly revealed his boredom; shoulders slumped as he leaned against the edge of the counter. It had been cold outside, and Myungsoo had not yet bothered to rid himself of the red scarf that had been wrapped clumsily around his neck--the same scarf that Kanata had given him for his birthday--or his black jacket. He typed away at the computer (it was a dinosaur in comparison to most of the quickly evolving technology in Korea), going over the shop's finances because his "boss" had decided to dump all the number work onto him the night before. He still appeared to be tired, but it was evident that he had at least been sleeping more than before.

Hearing the door open, it took all Myungsoo had not to jump up to see who had arrived. He had a feeling he knew who it was--or, at least, he knew who he wanted it to be. He remained silent, and with a discreet glance his assumptions were proved correct; it had in fact been Kanata that had walked in, and it was difficult for Myungsoo to contain the smile that threatened to appear on his face. He let the male walk over towards a pile of books before stepping away from the desk and making his way over to him. With hands clasped behind his back, he leaned over a bit to get a look at Kanata's face. He smiled softly, and in the most casual tone he could muster, he spoke up.

"Is there something I can help you with?" He asked, a playful glint in his dark eyes.

[kxmyvng]

"Then I think I'll be there in.. five minutes? If it's okay with you, I mean..." he couldn't really help but smile back at him. "And I'm glad you moved to a nice place.. with nice people.."

"Unless you can somehow manage to get here sooner, that's more than fine with me." His smile widened a bit. "Yeah... Though it's not like I talk to them much... Mostly just a greeting as I pass through."

[kxmyvng]

"Then I'll think about a book I need to buy, so I won't feel like I'm just coming there to prevent you from working. And..." he frowned, even if he wasn't sure about the reason, "...where are you living now?"

"You could do that. Or you could just stop by to prevent me from working anyway." He shrugged, the corner of his lip curving into an amused smile. "Either one is fine." Sliding his hands into his pockets, he turned his head a bit to move his hair out of his eyes. "Ah, I moved to an apartment in Pyeonanham. It's not very far from here..." He reached up to rub his nape. "It's a really nice place, I think. And the neighbors are nice."

[kxmyvng]

"I will come look for you soon... but I don't want to bother you while you are working."

"Make it really soon, please? And..." He scoffed, though it was a casual gesture. "Please bother me at work. I feel like I get less interaction with people there than I do at home. Ah-- That reminds me. I, uh... Moved. Out of that.. Well, out of that attic, basically." 

[arkhvm-deactivated20141207]

❝Ț̙̫h͚͝e̩͙̤͢r͙̗͈̦͔̪ͅe̕'͖̞̮̫͈s͍̙̲̞͓̼ ͎͉̠̠͘n̛͈o͢t̼ͅh̪͉̞̮͇͡i̭͔̰n̫̖͚̫̝͕͠g̼̥̣̜͇ ̴̹̳ṯ̯͓̥͔ͅo͘ ̶͔f̶̠̥̹͕͇e̪̤͔̤a̪̭͍̗r̸̳̝̣,̬̠͉ ̷̻͎̲͕̹ḅ̖̭̖̦̝̹ṵ̟͈̙͔̫t̝̠̳̟̝͙̦͢ ̳͍f̛̭e̡̩͔̤͔á̳̯̳r̗͔̯̟͠ ͔͇̜̰͡i͙̝̥͈͔̪t̗͍̳͟s̡͕͕e̡̠͍̝l̗̳͖̳̪̬͠f̡̠͔̮̩̭̰…̗̟❞

Extract from Thesis No. 84042 - Manifesto for a discipline by Choi Jaehyeon:

The Manifesto I have outlined here is a serious proposal; I was not trying to be provocative or audacious. The time is long overdue for a breakaway, for taking seriously the idea of building a discipline of psychological terror. Fear can do nothing else but represent the decay of a healthy mind, one that could lead to schizophrenia, paranoia, histeria and eventually… death.

Guide。Disclaimer。Make an appointment。Leave a voicemail message。

[kxmyvng]

"I'm afraid that I won't see you again. That I will look for you and I won't find you. I'm afraid that someone might hurt you, and.. I'm afraid of not being there when you need me."

"... You should come look for me soon. I'll be here." Myungsoo said, partially joking but not really. He really wanted to see the other. "No one is going to hurt me... And I... I'll always need you. I know I shouldn't say that, but that's what it feels like."

[kxmyvng]

"It's not like I can't understand what you mean..." he spoke in a small voice, and rubbed his face for a moment. "I'm.. afraid when I can't see you."

"Afraid..?" He repeated, eyes blinking in confusion. "Why would you be afraid? What is there to be afraid of..?"

[kxmyvng]

He lowered his gaze, glancing to the side at the question about where he lived, then, after a moment of silence, he simply said: "My phone number is the same. I got it back. And I'm not a million miles away, Myung..."

"I know that you're not actually that far away, it just feels like it... It's felt like that for a long time now, and the only time I didn't feel like that was when you were right in front of me..." He stared at his feet. "So your number is the same..." He murmured absently to himself.

[kxmyvng]

He smiled a little, and poked Myungsoo's pouting lips. "I really miss you too.."

At the action, Myungsoo also ended up smiling a little. "When can I see you...? I-- I don't even know where you live anymore, or if your phone number is still the same." He shook his head. "It feels like you're a million miles away..."

[kxmyvng]

Then do something for me now and stop blaming yourself. Please. We can always do something together on another day..

"I was going to, I just hadn't thought of what to do yet..." Myungsoo muttered defensively, a childish pout making its way onto his face. He dropped his gaze to the floor, fidgeting with the hem of his jacket. "I want to do that. I want to see you... I really miss you..."

[sxrryiwasntfastenough-deactivat]

Get it off your chest. Send my muse an anonymous confession that's been bothering yours for a long time. I can't say anything...only publish.