The emptiness that is me. @kydrah - Tumblr Blog

Scamming disguised as friendship

Every time I make a small baby step forward I feel like I'm tumbling backwards.

So, someone "accidentally" messaged me on discord from a discord server I rarely interact with (I think it's a Diablo 2 discord) and well they were trying to lure me into a mobile game and I almost fell for it. They were trying to get me to spend money on it, like $5 on it from the start. I learned my lesson from most mobile games as if they are predatory in reducing time and to be pay to win then it's a waste of time. I learned that lesson after spending over $200 on Konosuba Fantastic Days. The only thing I ever spent any money on was very little, under $20 on Pokemon Go for extra storage space only for Pokemon and Items.

My quest for clingy friends seems like a impossible task. Are cute girls just a myth that we only see in anime? Like all the girls are either with a guy they love, a girl they love, not an actual girl, or a femboy. Is there not a few that are normal I can just build up my confidence with? I try to make the effort but just keep getting pushed down.

I had a dream that I don't remember, but it felt like I was in a different reality and then I was unhappy as I woke back into reality.

Maybe it's just too late for me to find meaningful clingy girls that I can be friends with, just so I can feel that waking up it worth it.

Sorry to myself and other who are reading this, I just don't have the strength in me to have an optimistic view today.

#need friends #friends #friendship #online scams #dream

Well, I saw someone sleeping in a cuddle and sleep vrchat world. Saw their profile and assumed they were friendly enough to lay down next to as I was getting sleepy myself. I pretended to sleep for a bit and fell asleep and woke up to see she was still there then I slept for a long time and she was gone sadly. Though I did find another girl that was nice, I patted her head and quickly ran away as I was embarrassed and shy but I found out she sent me a friend request, which I accepted. I'm making a little progress. Not sure it anything of it will happen but it's a little something. I'm trying my best and it may seem insignificant to most people. However as someone who is a introvert, shy, rejection, zero confidence... this is a small step forward and that one small step was a huge struggle to attempt and get something in return that I tried.

I want to create happy memories to shine through the sea of darkness that surrounds me. I refuse to burden anyone with my personal past demons as it's not their responsibility to shoulder. I just want to find how to learn to have a reason to smile again.

I'm honestly not a bad person, just someone that has made mistakes. Now don't judge me, because we all have had made mistakes in our past. I am truly a nice and caring person, and just want to be recognized and share that to someone that is cute and kind as too many people who I will say it as kindly as I can say it as complete jerks, to not feel bullied I guess.

I've noticed I've been sleeping a lot more, I'm getting rest but the day is already over with! D<

#vrchat #friends #need friends

Well I did find some Larvitar avatars which I'm glad, but sadly they don't do much but one did have 3 expressions, sleepy, glad, and angry.

I did find one that had a lot of functionality and it's wearing a pikachu hoodie but sadly it's a girl avatar. This is what sucks as a guy character and a guy in irl. You expected to use something masculine or you appear as a femboy. This is why I wish I was born a girl, you have so many more options to choose from. I like cute stuff, I just don't want to appear as girly. Otherwise I get the attention of guys instead.

I'm still trying to find clingy female cuddle buddies but it's hard. Why? There are so many guys for the girls to choose from and they know how to smooth talk and such. I'm not actually trying to hit on them, I just want to feel they want to talk to me I guess. Am I just not worth the time? Is it just too late for me now? If so, I'm looking forward to the end of my 5 year deadline.

I set up an alarm on my phone titled TLTL. It has 1,878 days left before it goes off....

Anyways, here is a picture of a Kyogre I saw doing the Gangnum Style in a random pokemon world.

#vrchat #friendship #friends

I threw myself out there into VRC for the first time. Not too sure about it though, it just feels more clumsy way of communicating. It sorta felt like a very alpha version of the OASIS from Ready Player One.

It's VERY difficult for a shy introvert like myself. With a lot of random people talking and many of them just being weird, I was completely silent. The whole lot of people let me being a complete mute.

The only person I was able to chat to but by text was someone being Chi from Chobits but since it was a cuddle and sleep room, i think she fell asleep soon after. I never saw that person again and as try as I might, I couldn't get into talking with others and just felt like I just didn't belong as much as I try. What I wouldn't give to have a clingy friend to keep them company. I'll try again and maybe I might find some people with something in common that will help get me out of my shell.

I chose Cubone for obvious reasons as it's the lonely Pokemon, I looked for a Larvitar one but couldn't find one.

#vrchat #friends

Introvert Troubles

Being an introvert and trying to make new friends is nearly a impossible feat. I took the chance and joined some cuddle discords and posted an introduction. That was so embarrassing but this loneliness I'm experiencing is crushing my mental well being. I use to have a couple really cute female friends that would be sorta clingy. It showed that they really cared about someone like me, like they'd message me right away with clings, glomps, or tackles and having that sweet caring mood that would just make you think you matted to someone. The nothingness and randomness of it all that we connected on a such deep friendly matter helped me build confidence in myself that I never knew I had. Fast forward to now, people change I guess and one of them passed away. Then finding out last year my online girlfriend of being in a relationship with for over a decade admitted she had no plans on meeting irl and haven't heard from her in about two months and think she ghosted me.

So, my confidence is in the negative and feeling alone. I have given up on love, it's just impossible as I feel genuinely cursed at it. I'd like to have some female friends again. Have that sweet, kind, warm cuddling, silly randomness, mild clinginess to make the days feel worth going into the next day. Just as friends only, as I'd rather have a lifelong friend than ruin it by later having a miserable breakup that will forever ruin that friendship.

If I do make some friends, I don't want them to burden them feeling depressed. I want them to feel like my friend, not a psychiatrist. lol

We all just need to have that warm hug to feel human, even if it's only online. Right?

#introvert #friends #friendship #best friends #cuddle #cuddling #huggles #huggle #clingy girl #glomp #cute girl #cuteness #mental health

I was going through really old files (February ‎16, ‎2002) I still have saved over the years and came across a saved message I kept on a old floppy disk which I used for the brief year I had no internet and had to go to the library. I just want to apologize to this person that made a kind effort to get to know me and feel guilty of never replying back to her.

So, if you ever search for your old AIM s/n oXbitternessXo I wanted to say I'm sorry for never getting back to replying to you. 😥

"I just wanted you to know that you have a friend in me… I hope you will smile sometime soon. By the way, my real chat name is Achika, I just use Darkness when I'm sad or lonely. When and if you get on AIM again, my s/n is oXbitternessXo IM me any time you want to talk. Ok?"

#aim #aolinstantmessenger #oXbitternessXo

Love sounds familiar, but the emotion escapes me

Growing to become bitter

I’ve given up and accepted my fate. I just can’t cut it when it comes to relationships. When I was young and naive I would blindly believe in love but over the past 10 years the passion has diminished so much that the burning desire for love has burnt out. Deep down I know all relationships are doomed to fail and it’s just best to not try and just abandon that part of life. It’s just too far out of my reach to grasp. If somehow in the future a girl does say she loves me, I will know it’s only as a friend only. There is no way a sane or honest person will say it, over my past experiences that is ALWAYS the case. I’m so damaged in the whole thing that whenever I see people kiss in a show, I cover my field of view with my hand as the concept of intimate moments are just starting to disgust me. My heart use to ache for someone and now I beaten it so hard mentally that it’s as good as dead. I always felt a some sort of curse and I just accepted it and embraced it. I feel the kind and good heated person is dying and well, I’m not fighting it off anymore. I will just not care about others and just care about myself. Screw relationships as there is only one thing that has always been there for me and what is happiness and that is loli.