I don't remember a lot of what happened because there was a lot of garbled dream stuff but here's what I remember:
I was at "work" (ofc it never really looked like work lol) but I was upstairs instead of downstairs helping with group or whatever. I was scheduled for a 7am shift and I came in at 7 but went straight upstairs first, not realizing I hadn't even said hi to anyone downstairs so for all they knew I hadn't come in at all.
I was chatting with Courtney Loftin about random stuff, waiting for Brittany to come in. There was somebody else there too but I don't know who, they were also waiting for Brittany tho to have a little meeting w her or something?
Anyway Brittany came in probably an hour and a half later and I still hadn't gone downstairs yet lol oops
I sat in her office with her and we didn't talk about much for some reason? She was playing music (with very work inappropriate videos lol) and occasionally chatting about life. After awhile, she was like okay! I can meet with you both, do you (to the other person) want to go first? They said yeah so I say further away and waited for her to close the door so I couldn't hear their conversation. But she looked at me and said "you can come in here actually" with a little smile and I was like !!!!! And in my head was like (because I'm finally your HR assistant?!?!?!) and went in there.
I don't remember the contents of the meeting w random other person at all, just that after they were done, suddenly Brittany and I were downstairs in pet resort and Linda was looking at me like (?!?!?! where TF have you BEEN) but wouldn't say anything because Brittany was right there. Anyway, Brittany called everyone's attention, and everyone in pet resort was there. She made the announcement (to my surprise because I hadn't had the official news yet) that she and Dr Coe had decided to hire me on as her HR assistant and I would be leaving pet resort.
I was overjoyed of course, and we dispersed to finish out the day and answer any questions. Linda came up to me, PISSED. She was like are you serious?? You're just gonna leave??? What about the promotion I was trying to get for you that I told you about?? You couldn't wait for that?!?!?!
I was like ?? I don't know what promotion you're talking about. But this is what I want to do, I'm so excited about it. This is for my future. And also I've been too exhausted down here anyway, I can't physically keep doing this job anymore.
She was all incredulous like "you're really not gonna mess with the dogs anymore at all????? Not even a little bit??????" And then Brittany appeared and was like "no, they're moving upstairs with me to do HR. I needed help, they offered to step in, so we made it happen." Linda was all pissy about it but walked away.
I was then gonna finish out my shift, when I realized it was already 1pm and I was off lol so I clocked out and went home.
Next day at work, I was HR assistant and didn't even have to worry about pet resort downstairs. There was something about a news broadcast we had to do, and I guess her old assistant had typed something up (before she left? Although I somehow saw her while she typed it and sent it in and she was super weird about not wanting us to change it at all). Brittany was supposed to read it off like a newscaster for some reason lol like a news interview but we had to take it over? Anyway the document her previous assistant typed up was in a weird format and needed some tweaking, and there were two scripts that needed to be put together into one. So I started working on that (to prev assistant's chagrin) and then Brittany had to leave and asked me to do the newscast for her.
When they called, I was unprepared and my hair was a little greasy but I did okay overall. At some point Brittany came back and we were chatting and doing work stuff for the rest of the dream that all blurs together because it was morning and I kept waking up and falling back asleep lol
And when I woke up, on my phone I had a response from Brittany (I messaged her yesterday asking about any updates) and she said there isn't an update yet, but she's pushing for it!
hi y'all it's been forever since I've done a dream post but I had two nightmares last night, the first of which woke me up and had me scared to fall back asleep 🙃
My first nightmare was honestly the scarier one but also much shorter. So I'm talking to a guy who my dream self had a fling with as children. (He does not exist irl lol)
We're laughing and reminiscing and telling the story (to my mom??? I think???) and he's like omg yeah because remember I kissed you that first time? And I'm like OH Omg yeah in that dark hospital hallway right??? And he's like yeah exactly!
And suddenly that's just where we are?? In this dark abandoned hospital except we're adults now and my mom isn't there so we're just reminiscing together. It's like the memory just appeared as we remembered it. He goes "yeah remember I just - (and the like puts an arm on the wall above me and leans in like he's ABOUT to kiss me but he doesn't) went for it like this??" And there's not like tension, neither of us are trying to rekindle anything so I'm just standing there very close to this man as he leans over me and I laugh. I'm like "omg yeah! And as soon as you kissed me I ran out of the hallway and made you come with me because I was scared of the dark?" And he laughs and agrees, and then i glance to the right and there's this human sized gnome statue that I never noticed before. Blue hat, yellow shirt, white gloves, biggest creepiest smile I've ever seen and his ceramic eyes are staring right at me from the side. I see it and shuffle a little closer to dude and make the mistake of saying out loud:
"Yeah I'm more scared of the dark now than I was as a kid." Like as a general statement that can also apply here yk?
And it was like saying that gave the gnome the agency to act. Its hand moved. Dude says something else but I can't understand much anymore because of the terror I feel at this gnome but I also know if we start running it'll be worse. So I inch away (dude is no longer leaning over me) and say something back, trying to act normal. But the second I avert my eyes and look at dude and inch away, the gnome moves again, this time blocking any further movement. I'm literally in a corner and the gnome grabs my ankles. Dude runs away at my behest.
Now that we're alone, the gnome's movements are still slow and robotic but it doesn't wait for me to look away. It starts to crush me, the huge creepy smile and ceramic eyes fixed on me but not moving. It crushes my ankles, my ribs, my jaw, all slowly and one piece at a time. I switch between first and third person POV as I am slowly crushed to death, and I vividly watch my jaw break, my teeth crack and then slowly fall out of my head, and blood start to pour out of my mouth. And then in first person, I collapse and lay my head on a white car trunk (reminiscent of the piece of garbage I drove for a month irl).
And then I woke up irl and desperately tried to distract my brain with fun happy things that would be ok to dream about because I did NOT want to see that gnome again. Even now at 11am and after having a whole second elaborate and scary dream, that gnome is clear as day. 😰
The second felt like an astral games situation, I remember running through the woods a lot with my mom I think? And at some point I ended up at this castle. There's a lot of chaos, something else did try to kill me but it's a bit blurry. But then at one point I was sitting with my sister and like one or two other people (we were eating or playing a game or something, unsure) when my mom walked in. She said something about one of the guys in the castle leaving a hint that there was a body in his room and we had to listen to the song playing over the radio. Each line went down like a half octave or something and I sang along how it was supposed to go so we could hear it ourselves. The song was absolutely going down in pitch and we started freaking out and then my mom and I ran in his quarters to look for the body. The lady we saw on the floor was apparently someone related to us, my aunt or something (in dreamland, not irl) and she was sprawled out on the floor.
Just then, dude walks in while we're standing over her body freaking out and he's like why are y'all in here, etc. My mom says she's gonna tell someone and he gets violent, we're hiding and runnjng, etc. I remember multiple fights to the death with him and various people outside the castle while we all hid from him. I was like behind cars and stuff and staying hidden and far enough away to run if he saw me but close enough to see what was going on.
Atp he had morphed into looking like a coworker of mine that makes me uncomfortable. For the purpose of this post we'll use Dennis and he/him to describe this person. So Dennis has already killed somebody and is now in a super intense fight where his opponent is behind this weird thing that almost looks like a soccer goal but there are giant square holes, it's not really a net, and someone is holding it up while he stabs his sword through, trying to stab Dennis. He keeps missing though because Dennis backs away just enough each time to avoid the sword. But then someone else from the castle runs up behind Dennis and pushes him straight into the blade. Everyone cheers and we're all relieved that this violent person has finally been stopped.
Except he wasn't stopped because he seems dead for a second and then he reanimates, but monstrous this time. Like now that Dennis is out of the way (who WAS also a violent killer) this demon or whatever is in control (or that was always his truth, unclear). Anyway he reanimates and everyone scatters and screams and he goes on a rampage, but this time he traps everyone inside the castle. And he somehow just KNOWS where everyone is so I can't hide. He's got us all quaking in our boots while we do our tasks and pretend everything is fine and he's in charge and there are still bodies out front but ok.
At some point I have a friend who is a close confidant of Dennis. She starts going into town dressed as different characters to "spread the good word" and try to make allies for Dennis. Thanks to her I manage to slip outside undetected but I have to stay close enough to the castle to not trigger any alarms. I'm up in a tree and watching as she comes back day after day with reports on diplomatic relationships and stuff.
Then, since I've been working with her on it, I don a whole getup and pretend to be a nun from town visiting the castle to determine if we want to help. I look VERY convincing. One of the brute guards that actually is on Dennis' side demands to know why I look so familiar. I tell a false story about being part of the "great cleanse" (or something like that) years ago and was tortured here (implying you should feel shame for what you did, I suffered so much and I remember him being part of it). He's squinting at me and trying to disprove it and wants to know details I don't have ofc but my friend comes and sweeps me away to give me a tour of the castle.
Guard must have alerted Dennis or something because Dennis is on a RAMPAGE I mean screaming and being violent and such. I hear him coming when I'm out on the balcony and I hear him (so clearly like my coworker and looking so much that way too even in the dream I was like OMFG ITS DENNIS?!?!?!) and he's coming right toward me screaming my name. He def saw me for a second around the corner so I just take off running, which only makes him more upset. He starts chasing me and I'm trying to zip around corners so he won't see me but he keeps knowing exactly where I am, so I'm like fuck it I'm risking it, and I start jumping down to floors that are below me and eventually into the trees theirselves.
And at some point, still being actively pursued, I wake up. 😮💨
i haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I have finally remembered my last two dreams!
last night I dreamt about Julien solomita lmao
i was sitting beside him but it was somebody who was actually my friend already but a guy (maybe it was Jeffrey lmfao I have no idea, I just don't have that many guy friends irl lol) but anyways he'd said something silly and I made a joke that was a reference to something Julien does, where he was like "when the ____ hits" and I did that and then did a shitty whip and made some music sound effects with my voice lol it was so dumb but he turned to me and was like I'M OBSESSED WITH THAT (or maybe he said you? idk he was like real shocked that I knew that joke and made it) and I turned to him and it turned out to literally be Julien solomita?????? and I went OMG I love your streams! (which is crazy bc I literally don't watch his streams almost ever, I mostly just watch his Aries kitchen and stuff like that, like his streams are so long and I never watch them unless I want something in the background or like if there are clips from one or something because he was doing something funny and then it got posted) and he was like what! I didn't know you watched my stuff! and i'm not sure if it was like he was always Julien and I didn't realize it was the same guy or what lol but at that point we both had been friends for awhile and I just accepted this as reality because it was a dream lmfao
so then I was just like hanging out at his house and I remember sitting on the edge of his bed or couch or something resting my chin on my knee and he was setting up his stream because he had to start it soon, and I remember eating a Reese's? and we then made food and were eating and I kept feeling awkward and unsure if I should leave, like was I overstaying my welcome???? but then he actually started streaming a little later and he was just playing a game but I was in the background, I don't think on camera or anything like that but playing a game on my switch or phone or something and I was just chiming in and joking with him so I was on stream via my voice lol.
at one point we were making dinner together and I told him "i don't mean this in a literal way, like I'm not comparing you to a literal god but you have Loki energy" and I then proceeded to, in great detail, explain to Julien solomita who Loki is and what he represents and my relationship with him and why he reminds me of Loki. I remember this being strangely more vivid than anything else and he was listening super intently and asking me lots of questions.
I sadly never saw Jenna marbles or their dogs or anything, it was just the two of us (and I think at one point my sister was there or something? or one of my friends I'm not totally sure lol they showed up for food and left after dinner and before the stream. but yeah lol I was just vibing on the stream w him and at some point I woke up.
AND THE NIGHT BEFORE THIS ONE
was also super vivid and strange lol. I remember in the dream going hang on a minute why haven't I just tried looking at repo lots around me to find my repossessed Yaris that still has my stuff in it? (which is true irl but it's been over 2, 2.5 months or so? so i've given up on ever seeing my stuff again) so in the dream I was googling repo lots, and it pulled one up successfully but looking through their site I didn't see anything, and then I remember trying to Google it again but it kept messing up or random extra words were showing up (and I COULD READ THEM which is crazy bc you usually can't in dreams, but that's how I knew it was messing up) but after I struggled with it awhile I finally got it to search repo lots again and I found one with one picture (maybe? not sure) that suggested MAYBE the Yaris would be there so I like fast traveled there lol and was wandering the lot at night with the old car key that I still have (dream and irl too lol) and I saw the Yaris, so I straight up just unlocked it and sat down in it. I told her (the car) I missed her and then I got my stuff out of it and spent so long cataloging all the things that were in there, some of which i'd forgotten about. I can no longer remember if that was accurate or not though lol. but that was the whole dream, I woke up after I had all of my stuff.
Anyways that's all lol I was just excited to finally have dreams to log again so here u go
lowkey hate discovering that I get so uncomfortable talking about just how bad things are financially rn because I'm always worried that people are gonna think I'm hinting for money when I'm absolutely not.
there have been times my friends have just simply given me money during those times too which is amazing and made me cry and helped me a lot but like bro i promise I'm not telling you this hoping you'll give me money again
especially when they stop responding like
that IS a thing my mother does (not w money specifically but like she'll hint at things without saying it and get mad if they don't get it) so maybe that's why I'm always paranoid about it but idk
anyway lol
it's just that I told Jen I couldn't pay my phone bill until Friday which is why her messages were getting blocked (because I did not block u promise) and she was like omg I wish I could help but I can't (and gave reasons) , are you ok on food and stuff?? and I was fairly honest, like really no im not lol but I told her I'll need some soon but I've got some grits and pasta so I'll be able to skate by for a few days and I need to call the food stamps office because they approved me for $23 a month like a month and a half ago but I still have no way access it so I don't know what's happening there. and she didn't respond and I just felt like gdi yk
and then today i messaged the podcast group (which includes Jen) that I prob can't stream this week unless im able to skip work on Wednesday if no baths show up, but otherwise I have to ride my bike to work to get there at 7am, and Jen was like why?!!!! and I responded, trying to be honest but kinda breeze past it, and again there's no response from anybody and idk idk
I know that not having money is not a moral failing and all that and I've deconstructed a lot of my shame around it and around asking for and accepting help, but like I still don't know how to talk honestly about it without feeling guilty like im pressuring people to help me when im absolutely not doing that
Just listing some of the spiritual messages I got today to hopefully help me decode them later lol
On the way to work this morning I saw one vulture on a random person's front lawn, looking at me.
An ancestor I don't know has been popping in lately and he popped in today telling me to ask my grandmother for advice. I explained exactly why I will not be doing that, and he left.
Earlier, I went outside with Juni and told Cernunnos about the job rejection email I got and the money I need before Monday if I don't want to lose the car before I'm able to replace it. After I came back inside and used the bathroom, I noticed the words "Lucky you" pop out at me from the side of an empty pizza box.
Anyway. I've been binging Greek all day and thinking about the car and the job and my life, and then trying to drown all those thoughts out with the drama of this show lol
it's a 1998, it's only 3 years younger than me lmao oof
gonna do some protection magic and cleansing and bindings and stuff on it tomorrow, I feel like her name is something older like tootie or something? idk lol
i wanna be relieved and excited about the car but honestly a chunk of me is just simply worried. I'm glad to be back on the road again but i'm concerned about all the issues it has already and so many quirks. apparently she'll only take 93 gas (which is fucking 4.30-ish right now and like fuck dude goddamnit i may as well still be in fucking California with those prices) and I can't let it get below 1/4 tank (but really should keep it above 1/2 tank apparently??) or it'll start acting up bc it'll start getting all dirty and stuff. hate that lol i'm a very "i've gotten further on less gas it'll be fine" kind of person. partly because i'm fuckin poor tbh lol but yk. i'll adjust I guess, especially once I have more money in my account. i'm so beyond broke right now.
that's the other thing too, I'm paying 125 weekly for this through January 2025. which is MORE per month than the last car I had which got repossessed. so i'm a bit nervous honestly.
i mean look, my team orchestrated this deal for me to begin with and I have been reassured that in time it will be fine and I can relax. so really I should just be excited, and in a way I am, really. I just also haven't quite had the time to explore the car in a positive way yet, I signed the paperwork and gave him literally all my money right before work today, barely got home and then to work on time (in fact I was 5 minutes late). and the emergency brake issue as soon as I got in my car was not the most fun experience i've ever had. like to the point that I was praying to Cernunnos and asking him if I needed to try and back out of the deal (even though i've signed paperwork and everything and it's too late now legally speaking). he reassured me of course. but yeah, so far all of my time in my new car has been full of stress. I'm sure once i've had a few days (and the money for gas and stuff) I'll feel better about everything.
anyway. it's been awhile since i've just done a thought stream blog instead of a dream post or a poem, but i'm drinking (out of celebration AND stress haha) and needed to process the acid in my gut a little bit.
(if you want to buy a tarot reading from me rn I could very much use it lolol linktr.ee/chaosandmoss )
my dream last night was chaotic and difficult and I only remember glimpses. I was just reminded of a moment with thorns because I was checking my rune app and it mentioned poems that talked about thorns.
so I remember at one point traversing some kind of land to get... somewhere? (will go deeper in a sec) and I have this very vivid memory of, in my dream, accidentally touching thorns and getting them stuck on my right hand. it was very painful (and I almost remember physically feeling it...) and the people I was traveling with (p sure one was my cousin crystal) had to stop and turn back to help me. I unstuck the thorns from my hand as best as I could and met them halfway, incredibly distressed, but there were still thorn slivers that were stuck in my finger, and not only that but somehow the base of that finger and also a part of my wrist were wrapped super tight and cutting off circulation and physically warping my skin, even though it was just thorns. the people I was with (again, my cousin I think and maybe my little sister?) tried for a second to help but there was some kind of sound that alerted us to danger and that we had to keep going and rush to our destination, and only once we were hidden could they help get it off. so we're running and I just keep staring at my hand and freaking out and being upset that I can't detangle it myself because I can't even see the strings that are wrapped around my finger and wrist cutting off circulation. like the thorns suck but I can get those out later, these strings could make me lose my entire finger or hand???
i remember at some point getting to a safe spot (not to our destination but a hideout of sorts) and crystal (?) turned to me and explained that the thorns I touched shoot out strings of cotton when someone gets stuck in them, like a defense mechanism. she was going to try to help me detangle them but something happened that she had to focus on. but after she told me about the cotton I suddenly could see the strands I couldn't see before? it looked like a spiderweb at its thinnest, but as I started to gently unravel myself, it started to look more like floss. as it turned out, there was even more than what was just cutting off my circulation, there was also some draped around my shoulders and wrapped lightly around my arm before the intense wraps around my finger and wrist. but I DID finally get myself free before we continued on.
before that, I remember being on the interstate in a hay bale ride type thing? it was flatter than that but that's the closest I can describe it as. and I (and the few other people riding there with me) was laying flat and gripping onto the sides. weirdly, it was also on the front end of the truck which doesn't make any sense to me but yk. and at one point my cousin crystal was in a drone plane above me. I saw it and thought "omg that's probably crystal lol" but didn't say anything bc I was in a flat truck bed on the interstate, but then she backed up and I saw a camera come out and look down at me. knowing it was her, I risked letting go of the bar for a second to wave at her, and she waved back and then the dumbass just jumped straight to the road from her drone plane (which... either disappeared or had other people in it that flew it away? idk lol) and I was like whAT ARE YOU DOING YOURE GONNA GET YOURSELF KILLED BRO and she ran and hopped on the truck bed with me and the strangers I was on. not sure what exactly happened right after that,
but at some point I met up with family and also was waiting for a car to be given to me. I also was dressed up in business clothes and about to apply for a clerical job inside the brick building in the parking lot I saw everybody in. I was on my way inside when my car was delivered, so I walked back and then drove it into the parking spot beside my mom's car, but it kept turning funny so I kept trying and got it parked before going inside. my mom said she'd meet me at her house. when I opened the door to the building though the lights were off and I almost closed the door right back behind myself except I saw someone in there look up at me. so I opened it back up (it looked like grandma earley's house) and apologized and said why I was there. they told me to come on in. the lights stayed off but we did do an interview. I don't remember if I got the job or was told to wait or what, but it was time to leave and meet my mom at her house. I believe I completely forgot about my new car or maybe it disappeared I'm not sure, but I started walking and crystal was there again, and i'm pretty sure my little sister appeared shortly after as well to walk with us. I don't know when it turned into a run, but it may have had something to do with the weather?
although at some point I was in a truck (can't remember if I was driving or not but I think I might have been) with Heather and crystal, and we were looking for somebody specific. I'm not sure who irl but I knew them in my dream and it was very hush hush but we had to deliver a message to them or something. so we went to the meeting spot we all knew of behind a shack of a house, and when we didn't see them, we walked down the sidewalk to the place that they were supposed to be living. but the woman who answered the door didn't know who we were talking about, but she let us in anyway. the house was a bit of a maze and it was very... like political intrigue meets supernatural lol it was a dangerous place to be in and after a little while we were sure it was just a ruse and we had to escape from there. I think after that is when I got stuck on thorns while we were running.
anyway fast forward to after I unraveled myself from the "cotton" from the thorns, we go a bit further and FINALLY find my mom's house. when we get there and get inside, my mom is like omg I was worried about you getting here in this snow! and it had been a warm California day lol so we were like snow?????? and she opened the curtains to the picture window in the living room and sure as shit it was a full foot + of snow outside. she had her books out and some coffee and said something about how harsh and cold it is outside and how much she loves it. I just remember seeing the snow covering up a bag of garbage, and then looking up to stare at the icy tree branches. at one point I even tried to brush some of the snow off the front porch (we somehow entered through the back door or a side door that doesn't actually exist idk it was almost like we opened a door to a different house but the door was a portal and we just appeared at my mom's) but even though a little bit fell, I didn't actually make a dent.
- frustration/overwhelm at work (&feeling like i was doing everything by myself)
- the gut punch of the car I was gonna buy finally being ready and AT MY HOUSE, and then finding out that I still can't have it yet because my roommate needs it while his car is in the shop
- a misunderstanding with a friend due to (and related to) my previously stated upset
- my cat rushing to cuddle me while I cry
- asking a friend for financial help who previously offered (and the worry over her putting herself out when she's also struggling)
- the fact that my parents simply won't help because I may not be able to pay them back soon, "just business" "you're not mad at me right" "just get a loan"
- my cat rushing to cuddle me while I cry
- my friend asking me about my bills and sending me money unprompted?????? (this made me actually sob)
- my cat rushing to cuddle me and purr in my ear while I cry
- the way my friends are constantly helping me without my asking and shushing me when I tell them they don't have to, vs the way my parents look down their noses at me and go on another cross country trip instead
- revisiting each of these points as I write them in this post
I'm actually so weirded out but struggling to figure out if this is an opportunity for me??
I've been so tuned in with my spirit team lately and was trying to get my car situation settled without a gap in having a car. I need to renew my license but in nc because it's a California license, and then get a new car from a dealership across the street from my job. I was then gonna let my car loan company repo their car. It was supposed to be nice and smooth right?
Well on Tuesday night I went to go visit my friend Jen for the first time in months, at her new apartment in high point. We did some INTENSE spellwork and I called in some favors, including the car situation.
And then on Wednesday, we left the apartment at 330pm so I could take her to work and head home (and renew my license the NEXT DAY on Thursday), but my car was just Gone.
It was a mess - I was simultaneously having a panic attack and feeling a bubble of calm in my gut. I was flabbergasted at the timing - right after successful spellwork (we checked in on the energies and everything went great so???) and the ONE DAY I was almost 3 hours from home. 😭 I thought it was stolen at first, filed a report, etc but found out on Thursday it was repossessed. How they found me I'm not sure, the insurance lady said sometimes they'll contract out tow trucks to just drive around and pick up whatever cars they can find on their roster so it may have been that. But again such crazy timing.
My friend Remi came and picked me up which almost made me cry lol and we ate at Jen's bar before heading home.
Anyway, I wasn't able to get my license renewed on Thursday because I couldn't get there until like 130pm after all the phone calls and stuff, and the dmv had no availability. So I'm going to go on Monday morning before work and pray to my gods that it works out.
I also asked for money, for my taxes to come back early so I don't have to wait until next Friday (my next paycheck), and straight up 10 minutes later it showed up in my bank account. My friend sent me $100 completely unprompted????? I cashed out $25 from a site that usually takes the full 5 business days and it was in my account in 30 minutes????
So as long as I get my license on Monday (because it's illegal to drive on an expired license and also I assumed you needed a VALID license to buy a car), the plan is to drive straight to the car lot across from work and pick up a car. There are a few there for $500 down and they don't check credit and repos are ok so it will work out. I've also heard good things about that place from the people at my job who have gotten cars with them.
But now my roommate?? Who is a used car dealer (with admittedly mixed reviews on Facebook marketplace at least) is so?? Frantic to help me??? He wants to find a car at an auction for like 2K for me, take the 500 down, and charge me 100 a week until it's paid off. And he keeps saying "you live with me, I'm not gonna sell you a car that doesn't run".
And I'm just so confused and conflicted because like. My team WOULD do something like this lmao but at the same time I cannot stand him??? He's a terrible roommate and keeps the place so disgusting that I bought a mini fridge and microwave so my "kitchen" is entirely in my room. I only go downstairs (where he is 24/7) to take my dog outside or to leave the house. He's loud, he's messy, he complains about tufts of my dog's hair building up over the course of a week but leaves literal garbage all over the floor and has been sleeping in the living room even though he has a bedroom with a whole bed?? I've slung some evil eye his way (mostly not on purpose but he's pissed me off countless times in just the 2 months I've been here, and the only times I've slung any on purpose it was to get him to take his company outside or to be quiet) and want to move out as soon as my car situation is settled. But also he doesn't want to charge me interest because apparently it's against his religion?? So it would be paid off in like 3 months-ish and then I wouldn't have to worry about a repo again? And it IS weirdly serendipitous that he owns a car dealership.
The problem is that my personal issues with him and disdain for seeing him at all means that I'd rather not have any ties to him and I immediately was like fuck no. But on the other hand it WOULD be a good deal honestly as long as the car was actually decent. So idfk man.
Time for divination I guess? I told him I need to talk to my parents about it but I've been soured against my parents for the moment tbh lol so what I really meant was "let me talk to my gods (two of who DO assume parental roles hahaha so ig it's not that far off) and my friends and my tarot cards" lol
hi I'm supposed to leave for work in 2 minutes but I'd forgotten about my dream mostly from last night, until a few minutes ago when I saw Anastasia from Moonlight and Sage on TikTok (and irl, there's a shop now, I've been to it) on TikTok and was like !!!!! my dream! lol
so I have no time, BUT
I do remember that I was with a friend, maybe jess I think? and I was in her house while she was gone to work for some reason. I eventually got bored and made some snacks, and then I met the roommates/neighbors? It was Anastasia and her gf (irl she has a bf but it's fine). they were actually really unhappy together but putting on a big show of being super happy and in love but like the tension was palpable and it was so clear. so the gf retreated to go do whatever and I got to just hang out with Anastasia. she ofc wasn't super enthusiastic because she'd just had a big fight with her gf but she was nice. I told her I loved her shop and her siren oil, and thought she was cool. we were becoming friends a little bit and I witnessed a few more fights between her and her gf. jess came back at one point and I was eating her croutons I don't know lol.
anyway that's p much it but the Anastasia in my dream felt so real and vivid esp compared to all the other aspects that seemed dreamlike and slippery and fake, and I thought that was cool. and suddenly today there were like 10 of her videos on my fyp even tho I haven't seen her on my fyp in awhile except that one broom video that I made a video about.
I remember being in college for a lot of it even though I was also 29 in the team and it felt weird, and I acknowledged that I was living in a dorm again and about to move again (everyone else was moving out because it was the end of the semester) and since irl I know I'm not staying here long my brain decided that my place was a dorm in this dream.
A lot of that is fuzzy, I remember driving at one point and trying to hide from a cop, and I think there was a murder or something and a whole thing about a vampire? Oof I'm not sure what the plot was but I was in this big dark house locking every door and window so terrified someone would come in and the one who did was like... my vampire boyfriend or something I guess? I may also be misremembering the context because I'm awake.
Anyway, the most prominent bit that is still in my brain was at the end. It was my last day at petsmart (did not look like petsmart at all tho, I didn't recognize any coworkers, and the cage cards for the animals looked like the ones at my current job but I digress). There was a whole section of adoptable cats. And even knowing that I have a dog and two cats at home (irl AND in the dream) I was still determined to adopt one of these cats to give someone for my cats to play with, not totally taking the consequences into play such as I WOULD SUDDENLY HAVE FOUR ANIMALS AND STILL NOT OWN A HOUSE.
So at first I do the paperwork myself at the end of my shift to adopt this black cat. As we're getting him out I see that he has an ear infection and meds. I sign the cage card like I did the medication for him because I will now that I'm his new parent.
I take him home and my pets like just don't acknowledge him at all and vice verse. He is sweet and wants pets but he doesn't have the vibe I was looking for and he ends up looking entirely different up close than I'd thought. So the next day even tho I don't work there anymore I pack him up like I do, and take him with me. I quietly put him back and reverse the charge (I remember thinking he was $111 but when I was ready to adopt him saw he was $1,114 and was like uhhhhh wait I can't afford that, so my coworker at the time -- who looked like Jackie from my current irl job -- took off anything extra and just charged me like $60 for his shots and chip and stuff. So when I went to return him I expected $60 back but I got like $32 instead).
I do also remember feeling guilty about adopting and then immediately returning a cat and I rehearsed in my head what to say so nobody would think I was a bad person for it, and after I returned him and was looking back and forth for another one, my irl coworker Jackie came back and was being judgy and I said what I'd rehearsed, that he didn't really mesh or get along with my other cats, and Jackie was like ???? So???? You need to try harder! And I was like ???????? Because I don't know how to tell them I just didn't like this cat's real personality when I got it home.
I then walk back and forth and see that there are more cats today and keep almost getting different ones! I remember a little blonde cat named Nervous who ate Doritos and I was told that she was 11 years old. I met another black cat (name was like Friskie or something I don't know) with a few prominent white hairs and I wanted to take her home, but she was too much of a cuddlebug and wasn't going to play with my first cats. There were a couple times I saw a cat I liked but there was something that kept me from adopting them, or I wouldn't like any of them and keep pacing back and forth like when you expect the fridge to magically have what you're craving but it doesn't.
And then finally, FINALLY it occurs to me that hey, my cats are fine, they can play together or with me? And having 3 pets already makes it hard enough to move around LET ALONE if I had 4 and cats are expensive too so maybe I just shouldn't get a 4th cat?
Omg I came on here to post a cute lil blurb about how much I love my friends and was reminded that I'm SUPPOSED to be keeping a dream journal more or less hahaha oops
Anyways last night's dream was... a trip and a half tbh so let's recap it while I still remember (even tho it's almost 1am and I should be asleep but here we are)
There was definitely a smaller dream that i completely did not remember even when I first woke up, let alone now. But the last dream...
SO. I get home from work or wherever and I come back downstairs with my dog so she can go potty outside. I notice that there are a lot of people running in and out moving my roommate's stuff out of the house. I'm like omg thank the gods maybe he's moving out and I'll have the place to myself for a little while!!!
I ask someone in passing (I think it was his family or friends) "hey is he moving out?" And they're like "huh?? No, he's not leaving." I'm like 🤨
Then once the living room is cleared out, they bring in this HUUUUUUGE couch like one that has no business being that big. And I overhear someone (or maybe I just knew somehow? Idr) saying that he can afford to upgrade now that he's got this extra money (ie me paying rent). I then see a little dog that looks a lot like his dog that passed a few years ago irl but with a bit of husky? I'm like ?? Weird that he didn't tell me he got a dog but I've got pets here so ig it's not that big of a deal. I pet the dog and say hi.
...then I meet ANOTHER dog, this time a big St. Bernard/GSD mix named Tuck (who I know irl because of my job but in this dream he was now also my roommate's dog). I'm like?????? Wtf man
AND THEN I MEET A THIRD DOG. This one is a small doodle of some kind with wiry hair and smells awful and in dreamland I had a memory of this dog being at the house one other time overnight and I was complaining because it was very yappy. So knowing that not only were there suddenly THREE NEW DOGS in the house without my knowledge, but that at least one of them was gonna be yappy and irritating???????? 🙄😭
I'm irritated but letting my dog play outside and I guess my sister or friends or something are there too because I'm chatting with them about how annoyed I am and I drop my phone, only to pick it up and be DEVASTATED because the screen is SHATTERED literally shattered like to the point that touching it is making my finger bleed. I tape it and then my friend/sister is like wait a minute he has more pets??
I'm like IM SORRY WHAT and she points and says there's a bunny there and one, two, three cats. So that means he has 7 animals??????
Idr how but somehow I find out that he's had the bunny and 3 cats this whole time but made a point to hide them from me. Which is bad enough but three dogs ON TOP OF THAT???? Sets me off.
So I start bringing my dog inside (and now all his friends/family are gone and so are my friends and my cats somehow got out of my room so now I have to wrangle them too) and I see him laying on the couch under a single throw blanket, snoring. And I'm so mad. Because irl he keeps sleeping on the couch EVEN THO HES LIKE 50 and I hate it, so ofc I also hate it in the dream.
I start mumbling to myself about how irritating that is and then start directing that energy at him and getting louder, and he wakes up. I continue yelling at him louder and louder about how he is a grown ass man with a bedroom and a mattress upstairs and it's so frustrating to have to tiptoe past him all the time, and then I bring up how he has people over every single night (which irl he was, though recently it's been more sparse, which is v interesting that it lined up in the dream) and then say I mean you've been getting a LITTLE better on that but-- (about to transition into how LOUD he is on his own)
And he interrupts me by yelling "yeah that fell through, so THANKS FOR THAT!" (Like implying I did magic to force them out)
I go "I DIDNT DO ANYTHING?????? BUT IM GLAD THEYRE GONE"
And this red knotted string on the wall (like those Chinese good luck pendants) that in this moment i understand to be one of his wards, falls off the wall and onto his head. Like as if by saying "I'm glad they're gone" I hit one of his wards and it broke right in front of us and bonked him on his head (giving him nasty repercussions).
He turns to me so angry and curses at me in what my dream self interpreted as Arabic (his native language), like he was cursing me out but also trying to fling evil eye at me. I spit it back at him to deflect that energy, scoop up my pets, and storm upstairs to my room. And as I do I yell down "GROW THE FUCK UP." And then I slam the door behind myself, leaving him speechless below.
I remember collapsing on my bed with my pets and then going ok yeah no I need to move, I cannot stay here and live like this. And then of course I have a panic when I realize that my (shattered 😭) phone is still outside where I had it last and I do NOT want to pass him to go get it.
hi I'm trying to log my dreams a bit when I remember so here's my dream from last night:
(please keep in mind that all of this was written with speech to text so if there are mistakes, or if it reads a little weird and like a long run on sentence, please ignore that)
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OK, so my dream last night, I keep remembering flashes of when I was walking around this antique store. I was there before it closed, and I remember it was very cluttered, like there was a whole Lotta stuff in there, and so much to see and it was to the point where you could easily get lost in there. And then at one point the Shopkeep was like OK we're closing up. The light started turning off and I didn't want to leave, so I hid. And at least at first I successfully stayed in there past close. And I don't remember if he was with me before then, or not, but Loki was there with me. I remember him pulling out like shelves and something like oh my God look at all of this stuff and like I would walk past a room, thinking it was empty and he would just like wordlessly go in and open up a bunch of cabinets and I'd be like oh shit and I'd go back in there with him and see that there were like shelves and shelves full of like porcelain dolls and old antique salt and pepper shakers and like doll houses and things like that. Like there would be so much to look at, and I had no idea until he was like I'm just gonna open all of this stuff now. And the Shopkeep, even though the store was closed, kept coming around and we kept having to hide and I think it one point he saw us or at least knew that we were in there? So we started trying to run and make sure that we stayed hidden and whatever and not only was this an antique store but some of it seem like it morphed outside, and they were like shrines to gods and tombs that definitely had people in them. When I say tomb though I don't mean like you know Jesus's fucking tomb from the Bible, but like a mausoleum I guess is more what I'm talking about. Like it would be huge for like a family name on it or whatever and it felt very sacred like I did not want to walk in or around any of those. And at one point I'm like climbing between like a mausoleum and a couple different shrines and one of them got activated like I don't member if there was a person there who lit the candle or what happened but I think there was somebody else there trying to honor a God or summoning a God or something and I just remember like feeling the energy shift like oh whoever they were trying to contact is here now. And so I literally out loud to myself because I turned around and I almost went to go see cause I was curious and I was like well I do witchy stuff and I can meet with deities I should maybe just like peek my head in and see who it is and maybe say hi, maybe it's someone I know lol. And I turned around and started walking that way, and I just felt this pit in my gut and Loki wasn't beside me anymore, which also made me uneasy, and I turned back around and got back up on the ledge I was just about to jump down from before I turned back to be like oh, maybe I should, and out loud right before I jumped down from the ledge on the opposite side, I said, nope! Out loud. And kept going.
I had actually forgotten a good bit of my dream until I remembered me saying nope, and jumping down and like leaving that activated shrine, but that is what triggered the memory for me.
There was also something about like I want to say it had something to do with a church service or something and a red cloak keeps sticking out to me now. It's kind of fuzzy at this point, but I do remember looking at a wall and seeing pictures of Loki all over it and again I saw it and I was like oh my God, Loki!! And I went straight to it and then I felt like he was there with me, but I didn't see him as like clearly and solidly as I had when we were in the antique store. In the antique store, it was like he was literally physically beside me and that was really fucking cool. But yeah, it was like once I was out of the antique store and I was in that like semi outdoor church service or whatever that was? I had to pretend either to worship with them, or to hide from them like those are my two options. And I'm just realizing I think that was supposed to be like a Christian metaphor or something but yeah and I don't remember what the red cloak was but I do remember like at one point some of them started to realize that I wasn't actually one of them like a cult kind of and I like turned around and started running and hiding and whatever and I feel like I jumped in a river or a lake or something at one point to hide from them I don't know very odd.
But yeah, all I remember really is that Loki was there with me the entire time either in spirit or in body but yeah, it was very intense and it was very scary, even though it doesn't sound like it should be in retrospect.
I'm well aware at this point that this is nothing more than a virtual diary, and tbh I kinda like it that way. I've very recently started being more active again on tumblr and, as is my routine, started scrolling back through my text posts (especially the private ones -- wow there are so many hahaha), and had a wild time reliving the past.
I think it was a private one, but the most recent (or at least one of the most recent) was about Connor, back when we were both still in California. Ironically, we're both back in NC now, and even though I think about them a lot, I'm very relieved I haven't run into them. Thanks to some intel from my sister, I avoid the food lion in our hometown at all costs.
Something I kept thinking though was, it never had to get to that point. We were never meant to be friends that long, and in fact I don't think we were really even meant to be best friends past high school. Maybe even in high school. I mean some of this I've realized on my own ofc, but reading back over how I felt at the time...
Dude that whole friendship started because they fell in love with Kristen, their first best friend, but she was straight and stopped being so close with them after that. I've always been tender hearted and eager for love in any form, and so when they suddenly turned and looked at me and said ok we can be best friends now, instead of being offended that I wasn't appreciated until they had no other option, I excitedly ran into their arms. My family never liked them either, which I should have taken as a red or at least yellow flag, but instead it just made me cling to them more. At some point, my dad trying to tell me that it's ok for high school friendships to falter in college, just fueled my determination to hang onto it no matter how miserable I was.
They literally always took me for granted, and while I think they lowkey hated me, they loved the space that I filled in their life. And the fact that despite all of that, at our absolute worst I was wracked with guilt and pain and tried my hardest to work out my own frustrations on my own instead of calling them out for their toxic and shitty behavior? I understand why I did it, but goddamn I wish I hadn't had to.
Anyway.
I'm back in NC now, just had my first real Christmas in 6 years (or longer if we're not counting the ones where my family and I felt estranged even when I was physically there). It was wonderful and my heart is full. I've been able to see my old friends all the time whether we're playing dnd or not, and I've missed them so much. There have been moments of tension for me lately in that regard but overall I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm in this townhouse for another month and then I'll have to move again, and my roommate is currently silently moving her stuff out today even though we've got another month. I have a new job working at a vet office as a "pet counselor" and I love it.
There's not much going on for me right now except financial stress, planning for my future, and finally getting to spend time with people I love without reserve. But even so, the whole situation with Connor has been so heavy on my mind lately and I just wanted a space to grieve on that for a bit. Not to grieve the end of the friendship, but to grieve the time I lost while putting off the end.
henlos friendlos if u enjoyed that last installment of wHAT THE FUCK did i just dream, enjoy another one, this time accompanied by a recurring hellscape that i very very very much do not love!!!!! hahahahahahahahahaha i hate it let’s go
so i started out the dream hanging out with some friends of mine who, for whatever reason, were morgan adams and her friend (whose name i don’t currently remember. i know it but my i am fully blanking lol. it’s her best friend, the one she grew up with and often has in videos. anyway. lol). so i remember we were hanging out, i think on like a road trip or a picnic or something weird? I’m not totally sure but i have a weirdly vivid memory of like a woven picnic basket and sitting in the back of a pickup truck with them in like beach gear and sunglasses? i also vaguely remember a small dog that was mostly white and a little grey with those really short but thick and tight curls. he was very cute and i love him and i wish i remember anything else about him. i don’t think he was in the dream after this.
so somehow, i guess we lived in a dorm together with this like weirdly big concrete backyard and a pool (honestly if you’ve ever played stardew valley, it kinda looked like the irl version but more condensed and again, all concrete instead of grass or dirt). our room had a sliding glass door that led straight to the back yard. actually, i don’t know for sure if we lived in a dorm because we had a family there and i guess it was both our family? but we weren’t related... but somehow... ugh idk. maybe they were host families and i was living with her in hawaii lmao who knows
anyway. so at one point in the middle of the night one night, i decided to wander around outside to take in the air, look at the stars, and get a little privacy. so when you walk out of the sliding glass doors, basically like a little ways in front of you and slightly to the left was a MASSIVE in ground pool, not covered or anything, vibrant blue water and all, in that like ear shape kind of? and not only was the ground white cement, but there were also these huge industrial lights all the way around the whole yard so you could see really easily at night. to the right of that was a good bit of open space, literally just cement. i think there were a few pool chairs or something. but then when you’re standing in the sliding door, straight ahead but WAYYYYYYYYYY at the back was this small bit of wooden fence. it was odd because everything else was cement or stone or whatever, and wherever it started and stopped on either side was actually conveniently covered by low hanging tree branches and ivy and whatnot. and right in the middle of that little bit of wooden fence was a gate with a rounded top and black iron hinges and a black iron handle.
me being me, i was drawn to it; the one little naturey part of this concrete and stone yard, so i walked immediately toward it, almost enchanted. instead of pausing to look at it like i’d planned to (for whatever reason i knew that we weren’t allowed to leave the house until the morning, like nightly), i reached straight for the handle and opened it.
instead of leading out, it actually led directly inside this mansion type place. there were a lot of people running frantically in circles but they didn’t seem to see me. however, there were some like vampire looking people in lab coats who would look at me and nod once, and keep going. i let go of the handle, already inside (although i never noticed taking the steps inside) and the door closed. now this was a place i recognized from MANY previous dreams, and couldn’t remember at first WHY i recognized it, just that it was familiar. but as soon as the door slammed i spun around to leave; that’s NEVER a good sign. but there was no door at all, just wallpaper. like old vintage green and gold wallpaper, separated by a wood accent and the gold side decorated in little green emblems that look like that symbol i can’t remember the fucking name of lol but it’s almost like a trident, since it has three prongs, but the middle one is much taller, the outer two are curved away from the middle, and they all come together at the bottom in the middle.
panic.
i suddenly realize that all of the people running frantically are being chased by these vampires in lab coats (and some other various monsters, but mostly vamps in coats), and they’re all screaming various forms of “help me”.
now i began in a small foyer, however there are a few rooms scattered around with no door but they are all pitch black inside, there is an elevator to the left that seems to only be used by the monsters and not the people running, and in the middle is what seems to be a never ending staircase. it goes up and up and up and up and UP and down and down and down and down down down down down. and so on. i start running, trying to find another way out, also yelling for help, and where’s the exit, and i just want to get out of here and such, and i start being chased too!! in the moment this is to be expected; i have been lured here and trapped for consumption. i guess the monsters enjoy the chase; it’s set up like a hotel but also like a doctor’s office. it’s odd. maybe i just got that impression because of the lab coats.
at some point i happen to lose a vampire and slip into one of the few rooms with an old rickety door on it that is also not locked. it in fact does look like a hospital room, bed/iv/all that, and there’s a curtain to the left. i run over there and find multiple people with fingers to their mouths so i don’t scream when i see them. i think we exchanged like “how long have you been here” and “what’s your story” and stuff, and then we heard the door creak slowly open. we all fell silent.
it was a doctor. a vampire doctor or a zombie doctor or something, either way he was a monster. idk how i know this, maybe i peeked around the curtain or something, but he was holding a clipboard and looking down at the bed and talking to it as though there were a patient in it. there was not.
something clicked in my brain and i remembered this place, this room, everything from my past dreams. and the trick is not to run, not to scream. you walk calmly, do your best to not feel the fear pumping through your veins. they will nod at you as they walk. you MUST. nod. back. or you will die.
as you do so, you will find your door, no matter what floor you’re on. it will be in the same place on that floor that it was when you first entered (on the same wall or whatever). so i waited for the doctor to leave, wished everyone luck (idr if i told them how to leave tbh, i think i mentioned it? but some of them chuckled. like i remember there was a skater boi with long black hair and a beanie sitting up on the counter who like laughed and shook his head but offered no explanation. but either way i had to try it again. if it didn’t work i’d die, but if i didn’t try i’d die too.)
thankfully no one was walking down the hallway as i was exiting, so i was able to shut the door quietly behind myself, straighten my back, and start walking. as i did, the tests began. one doctor nodded and passed. another. another. and as i rounded the corner to my right, i felt a feminine presence beside me. however, you could not make eye contact with anyone but the doctors/monsters. so i kept my head forward as we passed the elevators to the right and my door materialized where i remembered it being. i almost picked up my pace but the girl beside me gently placed a hand on my right forearm (again, not looking at me) and i was reminded to keep my pace steady. i grabbed the handle and exited, and the door slammed shut behind me and i breathed finally, and whipped around to the girl beside me.
it was morgan.
she said she’d followed me in there and when she saw what i was doing, decided to follow. i was thrilled to see her. i hugged her tightly and we headed back up to the sliding glass doors. we snuck inside and went to sleep and pretended we never left.
when we woke up in the morning, our dad and i guess younger sister (suddenly morgan’s friend wasn’t there, i guess she was only there for day 1 idk) decided to take us fishing. we couldn’t really say no, the girl was so excited about it, and our dad made it clear it wasn’t reaaaaally optional. but nevertheless, he was stoked to go, and i felt like it was going to be a good day.
morgan, however, was acting strange. it was in little ways at first; i’d say her name and she wouldn’t respond, she’d forget that she had to eat, she’d just stop talking for minutes at a time and stare blankly at nothing. but she was trying to... readjust. i knew something was up.
when it hit me that maybe morgan hadn’t followed me, maybe i brought something else out, literally i didn’t even have to say anything, her eyes just snapped to me. it was fucking spooky to say the least. i waited until we were out of the truck bed and could speak in slight privacy, and i mumbled to her “i know you’re not morgan.” in response, she simply leaned much closer to me, once again walking side by side on my right, looking straight ahead, but she didn’t say anything. she just leaned really fucking close while we were walking. i have this weirdly vivid image of her shirt sleeve being like a delicate and semi see through light pink mesh material. odd. i also am getting the name emily (and did at some point in the dream but idr when). oof i’m still kinda spooked reliving this. anyway.
so to appease her a little i told her that i wasn’t upset she was using morgan. she straightened a little, and i said i could help her find her way back. again, she still wouldn’t speak to me but she looked at me in alarm, her eyes pleading. so i said maybe i could help her find somewhere else that she could live and morgan could be free. she sighed a little but seemed to agree.
i somehow knew she was the ghost of a girl named emily who had been trapped in that hotel/hospital/hellscape for decades. again, in hindsight (in the moment and especially now), she never actually spoke. like at all. she communicated but not with words. it was odd.
after that i have some sort of fuzzy memories of meeting and trying to figure out a way for her to leave morgan alone, some kind of plotting where we’d have to go back into the hellscape and get back out separately, but i don’t remember. i think she had to find a new body (either one that would already be trapped, or maybe her old one, who knows) and it was only ethical to take one from there. morgan, she had just taken the shape of based on my memory of her and then inhabited her body overnight when we got back. anyway.
so, yeah. i woke up thankfully before we got back, and when i fell back asleep i wasn’t there again. but let me just tell you, the longer i’ve been sitting here typing this, the more freaked out i’m getting, the more i feel eyes on me, and the more i can swear i hear the screams from that hellscape that i’ve been trapped in so many times throughout my years of dreaming. i even thought i felt someone shaking my chair a moment ago.
i hope u enjoyed this spookfest if you managed to stay captivated long enough. it’ll be too soon if i ever have to see that place again.
let me know what your thoughts are on this if you have any, or even general spooked reactions and shit. i’m gonna go get a snack to distract myself and watch some cheery youtube videos.
