· 1 bottle of Dom Perignon
· ½ tsp. light soy sauce (usukuchi shoyu)
· 15 Cups of Bargain Dash Ice cream
· 250 packs of sukonbu if you live within a 10 mile radius of a freakishly strong alien Chinese girl
· A Heart Filled with Rainbow-colored Love (Best if the love is so strong it burns brightly in your heart like a Shonen JUMP hero, but not as creepy as a stalker’s)
· 8 inch non-stick frying pan
· A wad of cotton wool or kitchen paper, for spreading the oil
· Optional: a fine-meshed sieve
· 2 forks, or if you are skillful with martial arts, a pair of chopsticks
· A cleaned and polished naginata
If you are a fan of a certain Shinsengumi officer, you will be tempted to replace all the above ingredients with Mayonnaise. Don’t. We are trying to make this dish for humans, not freaks.
First, take the mirror and look at your reflection. Make sure you have the right amount of radiant smile on your face. Too little smile and your tamagoyaki will lack the perfect flavor. Too much of a smile will just freak people out. With these guidelines in mind, set your lips to the right level of radiant smile. Use my picture as a reference:
Before we start cooking, it is necessary to make sure the environment around us is aesthetic and pleasing to cook in. For this, I usually make cute lawn ornaments so that I can gaze out the kitchen window and glance at them to put me in the right frame of mind. To make a cute lawn ornament, find a puppet, living or otherwise, and stick the green onions into it. Use my lawn ornament as a reference:
Now that we have a pleasing environment, let’s move onto the cooking. First, take 3 garlics, remove the core and finely chop them to pieces with your naginata. Don’t take more than 3 or prepare to have a life without friends. Next, skin 2 onions and finely chop them with your naginata.
Since your naginata is long, chopping onions should not tear your eyes up. If they do tear up, think about a tragic incident and pretend your tears are the result of you reminiscing about that tragedy. Now is a good time to indulge in a few cups of Bargain Dash Ice cream so you’ll feel better.
Now place the pan on the stove and set the flame to low. Heat up the pan to a medium-low heat, the kind of heat you get when you have a high fever. While the pan is slowly heating up like the dreams of a kid watching Miyazaki’s movies, prepare a small bowl of oil, and the brush or wad of cotton wool or kitchen paper. Chomp down a few cups of Bargain Dash Ice cream now. At this stage, the mix should look like this:
The next step is where any martial arts training you’ve had comes in handy. Once again, use your mirror to see if your smile is still perfect, then start beating the ingredients of the bowl together with a fork or chopsticks. If your beating is not furious enough, imagine that you have an annoying gorilla stalker following you wherever you go and focus on beating his face to a pulp. You smile should, however, not waver, letting the love from your heart flow voluptuously into the furiously churning mix. Love is the key ingredient in making any of my dishes. I put so much love into it that whoever eats my dishes will be sucked into a black hole of love, swirling downwards consumed by my radiant, rainbow-colored love. Here’s Prince Baka bringing you the message of Love and Peace:
Next is the very important process of smoothing the mix. To even out the texture of the egg mix, strain it through a sieve just like how a hostess at a club sieves the customers to find the most lavish spenders, while at the same time skipping the stingy ones. Now, brush the heated pan with a little oil and put in about 2 to 3 tablespoons worth of egg mix into the pan, along with the chopped onions and garlic. Add a little salt to taste. The mix should now look like the battlegrounds right after an intense Shinsengumi-Joui fight.
Now, cook the mix gently, as if you are dressing up a girl, who was raised as a boy, in girl clothes for the first time.
I wonder what Kyuubei is doing now; that pink dress suited her so much. Keep cooking the eggs gently until it’s not quite set on top, like the phony priestess that ranks second place at the hostess club every week no matter how hard she tries, but not runny. By now it’s time to roll the mix up with a fork or chopsticks to one side of the pan. Brush the exposed part of the pan with a little oil.
While this mix is bubbling, feast on a few more Bargain Dashes while gazing at your cute lawn ornament. Nice, isn’t it? Cooking is not just about putting a tasty dish on the table; it’s about enjoying every aspect of it, from the making of it until finishing off the last bite of the completed dish. See, these are the things they don’t tell you in the cookbooks. That’s why you can never become a good cook reading that garbage.
Now that the mix is cooked, put a couple more tablespoons of egg mix into the pan. Spread it around, lifting the cooked egg so that the uncooked egg flows below it. We don’t want any uncooked egg, so make sure the mix is as black as possible. If you see any part of the mix is white or off-white, cook it till it turns black like Will Smith. “Yes we can.”
Cook until this layer is almost set, and then roll the whole egg mix to the opposite side of where it is. Keep repeating this procedure until the egg mix is used up and you get a steaming black mass that resembles the inside of an overused chimney. Remember, practice makes perfect. I’ve made so many tamagoyaki that I have completely mastered the art of it. People have always told me that my tamagoyaki is to die for. In fact, this recipe is so good that it’s now used in our area Sushi restaurant under the brand name “Dark Matter”:
That’s wholesome food for just $3. Let’s now move onto the last stage and get you the dish of a lifetime. Put the tamagoyaki on a moistened sushi rolling mat, seam side down. Roll it up tightly, like the stomach of a homeless man who has gone days without food. If you are eating this right away you can take it out and serve immediately, but if you’re making this for a bento, leave the whole roll in the mat over a raised rim plate or bowl until it’s cooled to room temperature. And here is the finished tamagoyaki:
Look at the delicious coloring and luster of it. Look at the tasty and nutritious aroma emanating from it. Now you can serve your masterpiece to everyone you know, and soon climb the ladders of culinary fame like me. Sometimes, you might have to be a little forceful with your guests to get them to eat your dish. But it’s only because they simply can’t believe they get to eat such an exotic and elaborately prepared dish.
You can find the whole recipe with more detailed instructions, tips and pics in my new cookook l空想お料理読本 [ The Fantasy Cookbook]. You’ll find it as Recipe No.14.
Please buy the book, try it out at home and let me know about all the hearts you have captured with my recipe :) Now, I’ve got to catch my favorite Ladies 4 episode on TV so see you all next time ;D
Note:
The book is real and is a unique cookbook that attempts to try out recipes shown in popular anime in real life and see how they come out. Recipe no. 14 is Otae’s Tamagoyaki, where they show you how to make a real Otae tamagoyaki.
The parody recipe above is a collab between me & @jHYtse. If you liked it, go thank her on twitter. If you found this lame, slam me right here using the DISQUS comments widget below. Also, if you like this recipe, feel free to share this around :D
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