Heeeey there! I did not wake up cheery today, but I am at the moment because of something that happened when I was showering this morning (no orgasm yet!). So I was doing my usual cleaning and checking up on my vaginal area when I felt a brown, painless, itchless, non-scaly bump. I admit I got preoccupied when I saw it, going cold on the inside, anxious, and whatnot. I decided to risk it and looked online what it could be. Of course, everything came up: warts, HPV, other viruses, cancer, etc. lol. Turns out Im not going home till next week, and I already have two other doctors appointment coming up. I might not even want to come back home in the future X'D Anyways, I was tryna chill myself down, since I usually freak out at vaginal abnormalities (surprise fucking surprise). SO I STARTED THINKING: - I already had an HIV test done that came back negative - The Doc might say it could be nothing, it could go away on its own - If it IS something, then she'll recommend some sorta treatment (or splice it yesss) - It might be that my sorta careless sex life is finally catching up to me In any case, if it Does turn out to be cancer, HPV, or something autoimmune, then.........I think I could live with the news. I remember last year I was almost dying of panic before I got my HIV results, but now I've rethought this whole thing through. Would it be so bad to have an STD and be super fucking careful with sex or not have sex at all ever again? I've been celibate for over 2 years, although granted, that 8 of those period-less months was spent without any horniness. STILL. Would it be so bad to have a potentially terminal illness that could end my life quicker than expected? I have lived my life scared as fuck half the time, is that really living in full? I tell myself that I wanna be brave and courageous, but simple shit like driving and talking to strangers make me cower. Is the prospect of death really THAT worrisome to this, our western society? Is death really that bad? Or finite? While I have no intention of killing myself nor dying, I sometimes wonder: If death is not the end, would it mean that when it happens I could finally go back to the stars and be part of the cosmic energy light? Sometimes I don't feel at home in my body, or in my surroundings, though I've grown used to both. But the thought of dying and forming part of something larger, unseen, possibly miraculous and way beyond my imagination almost excites me to no end. I would love to know what's out there. I understand that it might not be anything that I know or expect, but that's all right. Also, I have no children to pass on my illnesses or past life curses to, and so I would go out clean, being the one who died with the last of whatever's haunting me (am I making sense?). Anyways, I don't wanna be physically sick, but I feel tired of living carefully, hardly living either. Could whatever's in my vaginal area be an opportunity for growth or even expansion into the cosmos? Could it be that my death would mean something to myself and my family of crazies? You call me awesome, but all I can do is look down and stare at my white feather necklace and hope that my ancestors are rooting for me, cause I have tried the same for years and I feel tired trying to convince myself that "EVERYTHING IS OKAY" while trying to undo the knot in my stomach. Maybe I am overreacting to a small bump in my nether regions, but death hardly scares me anymore, and the only thing I wish is for a resolution to crisis. I still haven't restarted praying to God. Not that I don't think he doesn't exist, but maybe the dude/dudette's busy and wants me to 'fix' myself on my own. I always dreamed of living in lil' town in the autumn of my life. What if this is it? Although I wanna go to a Coldplay concert this August before I die. Thank you for reading, have a nice day :) 💩
