Lady In Between

Unraveling thoughts

[ladyinbetween]

Still scared

I recently watched the new season of stranger things and robin’s speech hit me like a brick. “I was looking for the answers in somebody else but I had all the answers. I just needed to stop being so goddamn scared…” I’m scared. Everyday I hold myself back because I don’t know what’s coming next and that scares me. I’m looking for someone to fill this emptiness in me or at least understand me so i don’t feel so alone. Life is moving and i’m holding onto a secret i don’t know what to do with. I keep telling myself moving out will fix it, even though i know it won’t. I won’t be my truest self unless I stop being scared of who i really am.

[ladyinbetween]

Hope against hope

“Knowing the odds are basically zero but still holding on” for years I tried finding a definition for the feeling I would get when every holiday season would come around. This year I got an answer. When I would know for sure I wouldn’t have presents to unwrap Christmas morning, a family game night on Christmas Eve, or new years dinner with the ones I love most. I still held onto a piece of hope that maybe someone would surprise me. That time never came. I think the hope wasn’t stupid, it was just human. It never came true and this year I finally stopped waiting.

[ladyinbetween]

The pause

I’m in the pause of it all recently. Just ending college apps, waiting for decisions but they aren’t for two months, same classes over and over, nothing to anticipate about. It’s simply a pause. My life feels like it’s practically on hold. I can unpause it and find a way to break that cycle or keep it paused and hope it doesn’t keep moving while I’m “paused” even though I know it will. It’s an endless thought that keeps looping through my head.

[ladyinbetween]

The best is yet to come

In the midst of all my college applications and high school crap I can’t help but still remind myself that the best is yet to come. Four years, every year, every day, every hour, I am reminded. College and my future is waiting. I don’t know what it is or how I’m going to get there other then the hard work I’ll have to put in. So all I can tell myself is the best is yet to come. So I’ll keep living in the moment or “seizing the day” till then and probably always.

[ladyinbetween]

Observer state

From school to work to friends all at once to it all just stopping I am stuck. Days and days have passed and it feels like I just observe. Everyone and everything around me moves faster while I stay still. Watching from the sidelines. Just like when you are standing in front of a cold pool contemplating whether to jump in or not. Stuck. Once I jump in u won’t be observing I’ll be in it. I’ll be doing everything all at once somehow not even knowing where to start. I wish it could last forever but it simply can’t. One day I’ll be out. Whether I like it or not.

[ladyinbetween]

Faith for my future

Most of the time when I think about my future, I see it as just a blur, a blankness that I can't see clearly. I've been on the track to medicine for as long as I can remember one that was expected of me before I could dream for myself. It was all I really knew, and while I do have a real passion for it, I never paused to think about other future for myself. So when I try to look ahead, I see no career, I see no family, I see no place. Either I leave too early, or I somehow make it. I can't put my finger on what I would be, or what I would do but o have significant faith that I hold to that it will happen. That I will be somewhere sometime, even if it isn't clear to me yet.

[ladyinbetween]

Performative Identity

Being shown how well people know me is truly one of the best feelings. But no one talks about what goes on after. You’re given details about the person you are from another perspective and you simply love it. But now the need to live up to that everyday comes. I need to prove that I am that person. I am not basic. I have my traits I have my perks I am unique. Why can’t one just take a compliment?

[ladyinbetween]

Hesitance

When I’m unsure if I should break out of my shell right now and talk to the person beside me or stay still so they don’t notice me. A constant struggle myself and many others deal with in new environments. This is someone’s first impression of me let me make it bold. Big. Outgoing. Let me be extroverted because maybe that will earn me a friend. All the thoughts stay lingering in my head yet I never act it out. I never proceed with these blueprint of thoughts almost. I wonder when I will. Or why I don’t.

[ladyinbetween]

The feeling of the unknown

I hate it and crave it at the same time. Going in blind not knowing what will happen, what your future holds for you, how this certain thing will impact you, who you will meet. It’s so scary yet so amazing. You can barely go to sleep because there are butterflies in your stomach the day before an event and you’ve never been to that place or don’t know anyone there. A mix of excitement and nervousness yet also staying up wondering what will happen knowing this time tomorrow it will have already happened. Or not knowing what your future holds and doing things for the thrill after so long of only doing things to perfectly align yourself with your future. You know you can’t perfectly do so so you free all it. The stomach pains and rush of anxiety and thrill knowing there is so much the future holds that you can’t do anything about just pray you’re gearing towards the right direction.

[ladyinbetween]

The teen years I was promised

What happend to 2016, unicorn hair, Ugg wearing, leggings under jean skirts, rippled shirts, driving till the sun goes down teen years. I waited my whole life for that to end up with the complete opposite. Waited to go to highschool so I can open my locker and decorate it with cute chandeliers, sit on sofas in the middle of the school, and drive to the mall with my friends after. where is that.

[ladyinbetween]

It’s that damn phone

It’s such a well known topic now that the phone is the root to all our problems but it really is. In a problem? Scroll and dig into a deeper hole. I can’t even go on a walk without my phone. I swam without my phone today. Just me and my thoughts, it shouldn’t be something to praise it in my eyes it is. An hour just thinking can do a lot now days. I went through every wave of emotion possible in the span of AN HOUR. But here I am back on my phone because the reality is we’ve grown so attached to our phone that we hide behind it. When you are at an event and “want to seem cool” you hide behind that screen. When you’re mad and want to put it on someone else but you’re too much of a scary cat to say it to someone’s face, you hide behind a screen. When you want to find a new personality trait, you go behind the screen. Many will say it’s taking away a lot of our intelligence but I think in a way it’s giving us some. You are reading and taking in so much how could you be losing anything and not gaining anything? Idk

[ladyinbetween]

Am I a lady bug or chameleon?

That’s my topic of debate this late night mid summer before senior year. Lady bugs stand out to survive and chameleons blend in so which am I? I hid behind the shadows of tik tok, pinterest, and instagram praying I’ll get a spark of creativity. Yet I am the most unique person I’ve met. (And not in the corny pick me way) Seriously I don’t know anyone like me. Obviously I have the most basic teenage girl interests in the year of 2025 but everyday I change them to be my own. At one point in life I had to learn to either become a lady bug or stay a chameleon without knowing it. In the mist of all this highschool college applications shannansgins this is what I chose to ponder. So think about it. Are you a lady bug or chameleon and do you like it that way? Do you survive that way? Or are you simply living that way? So many questions can be asked with this with such short answers.