#ladyinbetween

[ladyinbetween]

Still scared

I recently watched the new season of stranger things and robin’s speech hit me like a brick. “I was looking for the answers in somebody else but I had all the answers. I just needed to stop being so goddamn scared…” I’m scared. Everyday I hold myself back because I don’t know what’s coming next and that scares me. I’m looking for someone to fill this emptiness in me or at least understand me so i don’t feel so alone. Life is moving and i’m holding onto a secret i don’t know what to do with. I keep telling myself moving out will fix it, even though i know it won’t. I won’t be my truest self unless I stop being scared of who i really am.

[ladyinbetween]

Hope against hope

“Knowing the odds are basically zero but still holding on” for years I tried finding a definition for the feeling I would get when every holiday season would come around. This year I got an answer. When I would know for sure I wouldn’t have presents to unwrap Christmas morning, a family game night on Christmas Eve, or new years dinner with the ones I love most. I still held onto a piece of hope that maybe someone would surprise me. That time never came. I think the hope wasn’t stupid, it was just human. It never came true and this year I finally stopped waiting.

[ladyinbetween]

The pause

I’m in the pause of it all recently. Just ending college apps, waiting for decisions but they aren’t for two months, same classes over and over, nothing to anticipate about. It’s simply a pause. My life feels like it’s practically on hold. I can unpause it and find a way to break that cycle or keep it paused and hope it doesn’t keep moving while I’m “paused” even though I know it will. It’s an endless thought that keeps looping through my head.

[ladyinbetween]

The best is yet to come

In the midst of all my college applications and high school crap I can’t help but still remind myself that the best is yet to come. Four years, every year, every day, every hour, I am reminded. College and my future is waiting. I don’t know what it is or how I’m going to get there other then the hard work I’ll have to put in. So all I can tell myself is the best is yet to come. So I’ll keep living in the moment or “seizing the day” till then and probably always.

[ladyinbetween]

Observer state

From school to work to friends all at once to it all just stopping I am stuck. Days and days have passed and it feels like I just observe. Everyone and everything around me moves faster while I stay still. Watching from the sidelines. Just like when you are standing in front of a cold pool contemplating whether to jump in or not. Stuck. Once I jump in u won’t be observing I’ll be in it. I’ll be doing everything all at once somehow not even knowing where to start. I wish it could last forever but it simply can’t. One day I’ll be out. Whether I like it or not.

[ladyinbetween]

Faith for my future

Most of the time when I think about my future, I see it as just a blur, a blankness that I can't see clearly. I've been on the track to medicine for as long as I can remember one that was expected of me before I could dream for myself. It was all I really knew, and while I do have a real passion for it, I never paused to think about other future for myself. So when I try to look ahead, I see no career, I see no family, I see no place. Either I leave too early, or I somehow make it. I can't put my finger on what I would be, or what I would do but o have significant faith that I hold to that it will happen. That I will be somewhere sometime, even if it isn't clear to me yet.

[ladyinbetween]

Performative Identity

Being shown how well people know me is truly one of the best feelings. But no one talks about what goes on after. You’re given details about the person you are from another perspective and you simply love it. But now the need to live up to that everyday comes. I need to prove that I am that person. I am not basic. I have my traits I have my perks I am unique. Why can’t one just take a compliment?

[ladyinbetween]

Hesitance

When I’m unsure if I should break out of my shell right now and talk to the person beside me or stay still so they don’t notice me. A constant struggle myself and many others deal with in new environments. This is someone’s first impression of me let me make it bold. Big. Outgoing. Let me be extroverted because maybe that will earn me a friend. All the thoughts stay lingering in my head yet I never act it out. I never proceed with these blueprint of thoughts almost. I wonder when I will. Or why I don’t.