Some of the first memories after waking up are of just having a peek under the blankets to make sure it was definitely gone :D and yeah, I didn’t cry at that point... but it was amazing how normal it felt the instant I was back in the land of the living. Just *instantly* normal, completely not weird to the extent it felt a bit weird that it felt so normal.
The tears came on Monday (op on Friday) when the bandages came off and I got to have a good long look, after that they never really stopped, it was seeing myself suddenly completed that circuit in my brain and I didn’t stop crying and enthusing and just being so so happy for days.
Of course, by that point, you’ve been off of HRT for about 7 weeks so you’re a little bit on the emotional side anyway.
Not gonna lie, that first night... despite the morphine, just excruciating pain and zero sleep and utterly uncomfortable, yet somehow at the same time, none of that mattered. Looking back the only things I remember are positive, it’s like, yeah, it hurt, but it was in the cause of something better so it doesn’t matter that it did.
It’s a process where you surrender yourself into the care of the nurses and leave your dignity at the door. Your life will be run for you and you get very little say in it, and that was fine, I was happy to just sit on a raft in the river that is their recovery plan and let things happen. They’re gonna see everything and prod everything and clean up after you when disgusting things happen... it’s like being in a cocoon where you go in and then just change and 7 days later you emerge.
I just really reveled in that process. So many things we look forward to and venerate come and go in a flash, parties and events and exams, just fleeting moments where it’s so easy to enjoy them. This was so much more than the op, it really is a process that starts with that but then you’re there, in it, and you live this wonderful experience and day by day things happen and you're reminded where you are and why and it’s almost impossible to not really spend the time feeling it.
I’m really grateful for that, in some ways that makes it so much more, it’s not just the event than an aftermath of anticlimax, it’s a retreat from life, it’s a spiritual journey where you spend those days getting better. And yes, this is me, cynical, bitter, angry, depressed, logical me talking about it in these terms and believing it... it was moving and changing of self and I absolutely believe I’m a better person for that experience. Not because I’ve had GRS but because in having it in made my spirit a little stronger and it made me feel like I wanted to be better and nicer and just... it was changing in so many ways that aren’t physical
Of course, being in Parkside with a private room is going to help that process, I have no idea what being on a ward would be like... if anyone gets the option from CX to transfer to Parkside OMG DO IT!!!!
Also.... awww, thank you <3
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