This parade is one of the most thrown-together low-energy events I've ever seen. Our high school float parade had more enthusiasm.
The best part... Trump is bored out of his skull.
Though every once in a while he stands up and salutes.
It's really weird.
Also, they just paused the presentation to thank a sponsor.
Classy.
And now we present...
This slow moving truck!
Brought to you by...
Coinbase!
The President's app of choice to launder money from his dipshit followers.
Let's check in with Marco Rubio to see how he is enjoying the parade.
This deep sigh was brought to you by...
They started playing some 80s rock music to pep things up. But then I noticed none of the songs have vocals.
They are karaoke tracks!
One of which was Fortunate Son. And it is a good thing they didn't actually play the lyrics because, umm...
This really is the weirdest parade.
The audience is bored, the soldiers are waving to their moms, and Trump keeps saluting.
"I am the most Army-friendly President in history, from the standpoint of saluting."
Oh, brought to you by...
I've been liveblogging the parade.
It's like watching our tax money be set on fire.
They just had robot dogs.
Trump did not salute the robot dogs.
Also, Lockheed Martin is the new sponsor.
The US government is their biggest customer. 70% of their income is from the Department of Defense.
"Sure, we'll use some of the money you paid us to help pay for your little parade."
It's like a financial auroboros.
This must be the worst energy drink in existence.
The lowest energy crowd I've ever seen.
For one of the final acts, a walking corpse came on stage.
Turns out that corpse was Lee Greenwood, famous singer of "God Bless the USA."
He used up a fresh bottle of Just For Men and doesn't look a day over 112.
He kept trying to get the crowd into his song and he was getting frustrated that they weren't hyped to see an octogenarian sing.
He yelled, "Sing it with me!"
And they cut to Trump and his birthday entourage.
Very lively.
Pete sang along though. He was the only one.
Then Lee yelled, "Light up your cell phones!"
And then, finally, he won the crowd over and everyone swayed in unison—creating a majestic light show.
I'm just kidding.
8 people did it.
The night ended with a very lackluster fireworks show intercut with a military propaganda video.
And then everyone just kinda shuffled away.
I'm pretty sure Trump wanted a North Korea-style spectacle.
And instead he got the world's slowest truck.
He was having trouble hiding his disappointment.
What a waste.
Lee Greenwood *wishes* he could get this kind of crowd participation.
Great job, San Francisco and the millions of other people who showed up to protests.
