Self Control mary kline x female reader
summary: after years of avoiding therapy, you finally decided to get the help you need, what you didn't expect was falling in love with your therapist.
[ romantic and sexual relationship between therapists and patients is extremely forbidden and unethical, but i really wanted to explore this concept, also this is fictional and just for entertainment purposes. ]
tw: talks of mental health issues, unethical relationship, slightly unhealthy obsession from reader, confrontation, talks of avoidance. hopeful ending ?
Life really was funny when it had the chance to. After years of avoiding going to therapy, now the thing you looked most forward to was to sit in front of your therapist for an hour, once a week. Maybe it's normal, you're finally being understood and feeling better after years of avoiding talking about your emotions and swallowing them down. Or maybe you have a slight admiration for your therapist. She was kind, intelligent and very understanding, but she was supposed to act that way. She's a therapist for god's sake, it's her job to care about you. You try to remind yourself of that every time you leave her house after a session, but still, it's impossible to keep her out of your thoughts.
You wonder what she does after you leave, after all of her sessions are over. Does she make something to eat and watch tv ? Or maybe she keeps working, analyzing what patients say during their session. Was she kind with the others as she was with you ? Did she smile at them ? Touch their back when they enter the room ?
You catch yourself dressing nicer to the sessions, wearing a blouse you only wore for a new years party last year. Would she notice ? Would she tell you it's pretty ? You sigh as you look at yourself in the mirror. You were there to talk about your problems, not to act like a teenage girl who has a crush. She was starting to become a problem, would she treat it as well ? Would you mention it during a session? No, you must be out of your mind.
As you walked to her door, you caught her through a window that was open, she was standing up drinking water, she caught you too, and gave you a soft smile before walking to her door and opening it for you. “Hello, how are you doing ?” she asked as opened the door, meeting you with a kind smile, then she let you in, and you recognized her touch on your back. You sat down on the couch as you usually do, and waited for her to do the same.
“So, how have you been ? Tell me about your week” she asked as she sat down, notebook on her lap. You told her everything, about your work, about a friend's birthday party you went to and about how you've been writing more in your journal, as she recommended. “What did you write about ?” She asked as she usually did but you hesitated. Should you tell the truth?... well you shouldn't lie to your therapist.
“Nothing special,” you said too quickly. Her eyes lifted from her notebook, and you immediately regretted the answer. She always noticed when you were avoiding something. That was why you were here anyway, your speciality was avoiding. “You said that what you wrote was really important to you.” You looked away. The way she remembered things you had said months ago made you shiver.
“It was just…” you swallowed. “I wrote about feeling attached to something I know I shouldn’t be.” The room became quiet, you could only hear the cars passing by her house.
“What makes you feel like you shouldn’t be attached to it?” she asked. You laughed softly. You shouldn't be talking about this. Yet the look in her eyes made you, if she kept looking at you like that you would've told her everything. “Because it’s unrealistic,” you said. “Because I’m making something bigger in my head than it actually is.”
“Are you afraid of being disappointed?” The question landed harder than you expected. I’m afraid you’ll stop smiling at me when I walk through the door - that's what you wanted to say.
Instead, you shrugged your shoulders. “Maybe… but I'm probably just creating something in my mind… just-... fantasizing about” She wrote something in her notebook. You froze. She usually did that but this time it felt like she knew. God you wanted to know.
She capped her pen and set it down on the arm of her chair. “You wrote something.” You said it. “I usually write things.” She tilted her head. “Yeah, but that looked different.” “Different how?” she asked and you regretted asking that. “I don't know,” you muttered and she glanced down at the notebook. “Spends a lot of time trying to convince herself that her feelings aren't real.” She reads.
Your stomach tightened. “That’s not what I—” “It kind of is.” she interrupted. You looked away, at the trees outside from her window. She leaned back in her chair. “You call it fantasizing,” she said. “You call it unrealistic. You tell yourself you're making things bigger than they are.”
“It doesn't matter.” You sighed and played with your fingers. “Why not?” She argued. “Some things aren't meant to happen.” You looked at her and it got quiet again. Then she nodded. “That's true.” She took a breath. “But something not happening,” she said carefully, “doesn't make the feeling itself wrong.”
She leaned forward and put her notebook on her table. “I was thinking we could play-role, I want you to confront this- why do you think your feelings are unrealistic?”
“ What?... And you are those feelings ?” I asked and she nodded. “Talk to me, as if I'm the situation” But you were. You were that situation Mary.
“I…- i don't know if i can…” I looked down. “Let me start then. Why do you think I'm not worth exploring ? Why do you think you can't be attached to me ?”
You looked away, and closed your eyes for a moment. “That's not fair,” you whispered. Her expression softened. “Why?” She asked. “Because I don't think you're not worth exploring… I want to do it…- i just- think that maybe I'm ruining myself if I keep doing it.”
“Okay,” she said quietly. “Then tell me, why do you think it will ruin you if you keep thinking about it” “Because wanting something doesn't mean it can happen. And maybe Im just being delusional, and when im confronted with reality… it'll be awful”
“Why does something being uncertain make it impossible?” She argued. “Because it's not just uncertainty.” “Because there are rules,” you said finally. “Rules… limits, boundaries”
A flicker of something passed over her face. Maybe confusion. Did she get it ? She was quiet for a long moment. Then she picked up her pen and notebook, and wrote something. Your stomach dropped. “What do you think I wrote?” The question made your throat tighten. “ What?..” You were confused, did she really want you to guess?
She nodded, waiting for you to speak. “You figured it out.” You shut your eyes. God why did you say it? It was like she was making you reveal it all. Her expression remained gentle. “What do you think I figured out?” Your eyes found hers. You swallowed hard, and you could swear you were going to throw up in front of her.
“I think,” you said quietly, “You figured out that 'the situation'…” You hesitated. “Is you.” The silence that followed was unlike any silence you had shared before. It was cold and awkward. Her face… she was understanding it… of course she was, she always does.
The silence was too loud. Mary leaned back in her chair, she looked defeated. You shut your eyes. “God- i shouldn't have said that- you- you made me say it.” You sighed and got up, ready to reach for the door- avoiding talking about it. But Mary reached a hand to you. “No- please stay… we..- we need to talk about this” You sat down again, but your legs were trembling. Your throat felt like it was closing- you couldn't do this- confront her about what you just said.
She called out your name softly. “You understand that… I'm your therapist right? Our relationship… is professional- and Im… responsible for your safety.”
“I am safe… I am, I-... I know what i feel” You said and she nodded. “I need to ask you… Is there any possibility that those feelings are simply … an attachment? That they are connected to what happens here ?” She asks. “What do you mean?” You asked confused.
“How do you feel? Why do you have those feelings for me? You can tell me.” You took a deep breath and looked down.
“ I-.... I think about you everyday… There's nothing more I want to do than to sit here in front of you. I think about what you do when I'm not here, how you are. You're… breathtaking- trully. I saw that the first day I walked into this room. You make me feel… better, understood, not a weight or a burden. I find myself thinking about you a lot…” You told her everything. And saw her face. She never looked mad, but she did look sad. As if she knew she was going to ruin my day.
“Everything that you said… that… is an attachment… you feel understood and I'm really glad. You have made a lot of progress- right now you're telling me how you feel when I know you'd prefer to walk out of that door. But… I think you're just… mixing things, what you're feeling is … my job, my job is to listen to you- understand you.”
“No… i- im attracted to you- i- i feel-” You stop. Was she right? “That could be true, you might feel attracted to me but your feelings they're- they're valid but they're…. This cannot happen.” You looked up at her. This cannot happen.
“I-... I don't want to talk to Doctor Kline- I want to talk to Mary right now-... what would Mary tell me?” This question took Mary back- it was completely unexpected. It felt like you were using her tactics against her.
She sighed, and leaned forwards. She put her hands on her lap, she didn't know what to do. But Mary couldn't lie and pretend like she doesn't think about you everyday. She knew it was wrong- since the day you first walked into her office- she figured that she was feeling something different. Maybe she did find you attractive- there was no wrong in that- she's still human at the end of the day.
But, as your sessions progressed she felt this need- need to know more about you- care about you- not like the others. She even reached out and read more about relationships between the patient and the therapist. She knew it was wrong, especially when she noticed that you might feel the same way. She thought about transferring you to another therapist but what would she say? When you told her that you had feelings for her, Mary felt sick. Because now, she knew it was really wrong. Because she knew a part of her wanted to be with you.
“Mary… she would tell you that…maybe she has spent too much time wondering about you outside of this room.” She smiles softly. “Which is exactly why Doctor Kline has to do the talking.”
“So… you..?” You don't finish, but she nods. “This has been… hard for me to figure out too… and I don't know what this feels like for you but… I know that if I care about someone I might have to choose the thing that hurts because it is the thing that keeps them safe.”
“I care about you, I truly do… that's why I have to do this. We cannot be- There can't be a relationship” She said, and you felt your eyes water. You were facing her, and her rejection. You understood, you did. But God- you didn't care about rules, or about how unethical this could be- not when you know she feels the same.
“I shouldn't have told you…that i felt the same” Mary sighed, she has been suppressing these thoughts for so long, why did she let herself confess it to you? There was no going back. She covered her eyes with one hand for a moment, as if trying to gather herself. When she looked back at you, the softness in her expression was still there, but so was something else.
"That wasn't fair to you," she said quietly. "I should never have said that- I am supposed to be the person protecting the boundaries in this room.” "So what happens now?" you asked and Mary sighs. “I think it's best if I transfer you to another therapist- we don't need to mention this to anyone.” You nodded but part of you hurted- you were going to see her again.
“Will we ever see each other again?” You asked with a small smile, eyes still watery and sweaty hands. You had hope. “I don't know…” Mary said. “Maybe… I'm not sure, but it's best if we don't for a while. You should continue therapy with someone else- I hope you continue- and you will continue to progress, I believe in that.” She said, giving you a kind smile. All Mary wanted was for you to be happy, and she knew that for that to happen you couldn't see her. You were going to be fine.
“Yeah… I will continue.” You said. “So… this is a goodbye then?” You gave her a small smile and she returned it. “Yes it is. But not a forever goodbye.” She said. You two got up and walked to the door, yet this time Mary didn't guide you with the soft touch of her hand on your back. You walked outside and looked at her one last time, she gave you a smile and a wave. You smiled and waved back.
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