The Essence of me

these be my thoughts, my heart, random moments in my day and my works

[ladytshawe]

XXX A thirty year original

Turning 30 for me was scary. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I think i feared the unknown really. It meant adulting was getting more real. It made me so emotional. 

I think a part of me really thought i’d stay forever young, be 25 forever! Somehow today as I celebrate 3 decades on this earth I am no longer filled with fear. I am somewhat excited, eager, at peace and did I mention excited? I feel so blessed to see 30. Like, i am blessed to reach this age.

The big 3-0 came in a year where things in the world were changing. We are hit by the COVID-19 pandemic, hate crime is taking place all over the world, people cannot travel to see their family and friends. Like nje, 2020 just became a strange year. Not only was the world around me changing, i was changing and more on that later. However, in its strangeness, in its uncertainty, 2020, especially today, 18 June 2020, certain things were exposed. I was exposed to genuine love and celebration. I realised that turning 30 isn’t so bad after all. It’s a milestone that I am so grateful to experience. It’s in turning 30 that i am grateful that my parents are still alive to see me turn 30. It is in turning 30 that I am grateful to my friends who have been constants are still a part of my life. It is in turning 30 that i still have a chance to love and to be loved in marriage. It is in turning 30 that strangers who have become friends through their love and support of Lady Tshawe are able to celebrate me and still appreciate me for me being me.

I cannot say what lessons have stood out for me in the past 30 years because they are so numerous. What I do know is that each year I learn to love better, to be more true to myself and to those around me. At times I may fail but my one greatest desire is for everyone who connects with me in one way or the other, they feel loved, seen and appreciated. I never want to see anyone’s light dim because of me.

LIke I said, 30 came with not only changes around me but changes within me. God saw it fit that in this 3rd decade on earth, I carry life in me ( this is where most of my fears came from). Never in my lifetime did i think I would be carrying a blessing, let alone when I am turning 30. But this journey thus far has taught me that some of the greatest lessons and blessings come when you least expect them and not plan for them. I am truly humbled that I be fit to bring a life into this world. That someone one day shall call me mom. And that realisation made me want to be a better version of myself. Loving deeper and stronger. It reminded me that I am human. I don't have super powers ( even though i wish i did) , i will make mistakes, i will stumble, i will hurt people, I will be hurt. But in all this I will apologise, i will forgive, I will learn to let others be there for me just as i am there for them. And it’s okay not to be okay at times. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to retreat and hide for a while. It’s okay to love yourself and forgive yourself.

I do not know what tomorrow may bring. But i do pray that my talent of poetry and acting resonate with you out there. That everytime i create something that it finds a home in your heart. It’s not easy to pour out to the world hoping that someone's heart will grab a piece of you and appreciate it. Contrary to popular belief, I am here to stay in this industry. I shall evolve, because that is the way of life. We cannot stay in the same space and place forever. I love telling stories, i love creating and who knows what the future holds for me in this tough world called the creative industry. Being 30, being a mom will just propel me to keep expressing myself in various ways that the creativity allows me to. I am grateful for the humans within the creative sector who have been a constant part of my journey. These men and women ( they know themselves) have not only supported me, but they have given me advice, disciplined me where necessary and have been in my corner since the first day I came into this industry. They are my circle, they are the people who have my back and I know genuinely want to see me achieve my best! They have taught me the importance of having a tough skin in this industry, taught me how to fight and not wait for anything to be handed to you on a platter. These men and women saw me for me. They saw uNomashawekazi and they made me see me for me too. And for that I am truly thankful. Celebrating 30 years without mentioning you and the impact that you’ve had not only in my career but in my life would be unfair of me. What i do in this arts industry goes beyond me being known, these men and women remind me always that, i am nothing without the people i create for. What you do would mean nothing if you don’t have love for the people who will consume your work. 

I hope to be wiser with each year. But most importantly I hope that I stay giving of myself, be loving always and that i inspire YOU to always find purpose in your passion. For it is purpose that will motivate you when no one else will. It is purpose that will remind you of your why. It is purpose that will push you to strive to be better and do better and want to grow. It is purpose that will remind you that you are not perfect and you do not need to be perfect in such an imperfect world.

I am probably blabbering in this post, but hey I only sit down and blog once in a while. Today i celebrate 30 years of living. And i wish and pray that the love you’ve given to me be the love you get in return. Because you have taken time to celebrate me, may you always be celebrated. Not only on your birthdays but for every milestone however big or small. May your lights always shine and may love, true love always surround you. May we forgive as much as we love. May we spread hope and light and not toxicity. May we love truly guys like okwamaqini! 

Most importantly, let’s drink more tea! Have more muffins! Spread joy and laughter! Massage people's hearts with goodness and love.Remember you are enough, do not let the world make you believe otherwise. The world would be dull without you, you matter a whole lot, you matter!  Guys, itiye, let us drink more of it :)

Here’s to turning 30. Here’s to being 30. Tshawe, the 30 year original!

- LadyTshawe

[ladytshawe]

Are We Ok?

To be in love 

Is beautiful 

To be in love alone 

simply hurts!

You would think 

The words I love you 

Would be enough 

To carry you two through 

Tough Times 

I mean it makes you 

Undefeatable right?

Only works when both 

Of you are in it together.

Worst question to ask

in a relationship is not 

Can we talk?

Worst question is 

Are we ok?

That question is loaded 

with uncertainty

with pain!

At least the question can we talk?

Gives you some wriggle room

And some sense of hope.

Are we ok?

Implies that there’s trouble

There’s been trouble for some time

And the answer to the question 

lies not in your yes or no

The answer lies in the words unspoken

The promises broken 

The distance between the two hearts

Are we ok?

-LadyTshawe

[ladytshawe]

DROWNING

She’s drowning 

And it’s funny how she’s 

a pro at swimming.

But no one told her 

That these murky waters of love and hate

where worse than the Strid

No life jacket 

No lifeguard

can save her!

She’s drowning 

And no one is willing to save her!

She’s stuck 

In something worse than 

A rock and a hard place

She’s tried climbing out

But the rocks are as sharp 

as knives

Cutting her deep 

Claustrophobia kicks in 

then from nowhere, numbness

She can’t get out 

No one can get in!

She’s suffocating

hands around her neck constantly 

she can’t fight anymore

Her lips turn blue

She’s slowly giving up 

Brain shutting down 

She’s fading

No one can hear her!

[ladytshawe]

More,than sometimes

I ask, must we wear our feelings on our fingers?

Typing your heart out for the world to know?

I want to talk to you and no I don’t mean via DM

Let me see your eyes and

No don’t send me a seflie

Allow me to hold your hand

See you smile

Touch your skin

Feel your heart beat

I cannot connect with you over boomerangs and filters

Skype or whatsapp video calls

Just won’t do

Your voice isn’t as sweet over a VN

Than it is in person

Lets wear our hearts on our sleeves so that I can massage it when it hurts

Im afraid wearing our feelings on our fingers

Is pushing me away

You see I miss you more than sometimes

Actually I miss you more than I should

Hence wearing our hearts on our fingers

Feels so fake

Distant

Feels unreal

I am afraid to miss you

Cause it means i have to deal

With not having you close

I have to deal with

Feelings for you that overwhelm me

I miss you and it hurts

The kind of hurt

That gives ones heart a dull ache

Or is it just a deep longing

I miss you

The melodies and harmonies

That our souls share

I yearn for

Can we stop with our hearts being on our fingers?

The distance is too much

I long to be in your arms

Long to have my hand in yours

I long to fall asleep

Knowing you are by my side

I miss the fights we are still to have

I miss us making up after those fights

I miss serving Him with you

You leading as I follow

I miss the laughters and tears we ought to share

I...

Call me needy

But I need you

Call me mushy

But I miss you

Call me hopeless

But I love you

I...

You see I miss you more than sometimes

Actually I miss you more than I should

Hence wearing our hearts on our fingers

Feels so fake

Distant

Feels unreal!

LadyTshawe

[ladytshawe]

Aphantasia

Sometimes I forget what i look like

I forget the features that made my mother

Smile with pride and joy

I at times forget she who got a man smitten and down on his knees

Sometimes i forget what i look like

As i have taken the many faces that society throws at me

Instead of shoving them back to society

I mask them and at times hide them behind tons of make up

Sometimes i forget what i look like

Lost. Bitter. Confused

I forget my name

The strength in my skin becomes a faded memory

Sometimes i forget what i look like

Even when i stare in the mirror

I look into eyes that seem strange

The face is so foreign to me

I am trying to recognize the woman who is looking back at me

But it seems I’ve forgotten her

I’ve forgotten my beauty

Even when eyes are closed

I cannot seem to grasp what i look like

Sometimes i forget what i look like

And I don’t intend to forget

It’s like i am battling with dementia

The lines on my face try to remind me

Who i was. Who i am

Sometimes i forget what i look like

Because it’s easier to not feel

And just flow with the crowd

And not have to deal with all that’s going on with me

Sometimes i forget what i look like

And I miss me

I miss her and i wonder if she wants to be remembered

Sometimes i forget what I look like

And it scares me.

If I forget me, do I have a chance to be remembered by the world?

It scares me

I don’t know how to love, to live anymore

Afraid to even try cause the rejection

Feels like acid poured on my skin

Sometimes i forget what i look like

Because of You

Yes,you who told me that I was too much

You made me forget my worth so you

Dont have to deal with your insecurities

Yet those insecurities i now have made my own

Because You...

Sometimes i forget what i look like

Even though I see my face every morning

I wish I could see my heart

So I don’t forget what i look like

LadyTshawe

2019

[ladytshawe]

Shallow

We are outchea being shallow

Connecting with other shallow humans

Hoping our shallowness together

Will somehow make us more real!

More authentic!

More true!

But the truth is

We are liars!

We are cowards!

And we, we are so fake!

We have clothed ourselves

With shallowness

Adorned it with plastic smiles

Fake laughs

Befriended enemies

And slaying is the new real

We are scared!

So scared to look into the mirror

And see our true reflections

And so we drown any piece of ourselves

With liquid poison!

We are terrified of having conversations with ourselves

And get to know you for you

So, we allow our bodies to get lost

In sexual conversations that don’t require your heart,soul,mind to be present

We are outchea being shallow

Afraid to be stuck alone

At home, at times with no Zesa

Because your mind comes alive

Wanting you to hear it

And that terrifies the shit out of you

Because you don’t want to be

Caught having to deal with the demons

You’ve suppressed for so long

We are Outchea being shallow

So, You make food your bestie

That way the itis lulls you to sleep

But the truth is

It’s more work

Putting up a facade of being

Strong

When all you need to do is to

Let all the walls inside you crumble

And you learn to be vulnerable

It’s more work

Being happy all the dang time

When deep inside

Nothing is giving you joy

And tears are knocking

At the windows of your soul

Trying to be free

We are outchea being shallow

Popping pills, slitting our wrists

Filling our lungs with fire

Immersing ourselves into our 9 to 5s

Numbing the pain with sleep

Doing anything and everything

Just so we don’t have to deal

With what’s inside

Leaving you exhausted all the time

Girl, we are outchea being shallow

Yet we are dying inside

Broken so flawed

And we don’t want to face the pain

Because it will mean

Removing the shallow layers

And face the scars

The wounds

Be reminded of battles

Battles won

Battles ongoing

Be reminded of your true self

That may not fit into

The status quo of this world

We are outchea being shallow

And I’m slowly fading away

Losing myself in this deep shallow pool

Outchea being shallow

And I can’t keep up anymore

Someone set me free...

LadyTshawe

[ladytshawe]

STONE

Our relationship stopped Being about the secrets We knew existed but never knew The details of Our relationship stopped being casual It became real She looked at me and said, ‘Ngikhathele’ This was the first time i heard her speak ‘I am tired’,she said Before i could ask from what Her smooth face began to Crack in front of me And i saw her hand Remove the mask she wore So well it became a part of her I gasped when i saw her true self Dry,cracked forrest of a face Which was being watered By bloody tears And then I realized i am beginning To know her House of stone she was called And for so long She has had to be strong But now her eyes shared with me The pain of being strong. And I understood why she was tired There were patches of guilt on her Skin Guilt that the people she’s had to be strong for Now felt her very pain! Her hands that wiped away the bloody tears Were full of blisters and had hardened From toiling day and night To produce so little And trying to protect us from her pain I took a step back Mostly because her true self Was a reflection of me And I didn’t know how to feel! But there she stood And if you looked closely Her beauty was buried beneath The pain and heartache! Her feet swollen and cracked And buried in the very stones That gave her,her identity She bore the battle wounds On her whole being Of a war like no other These wounds still bled And i wondered when they will heal For fear of infection Not for her but for me! She tries to smile When she sees my tears And there it was, A glimmer of hope She believed in me, Believed in my heart That i could speak for her! Stand for her! Fight for her! In her arms she took me in And it was that embrace Which was still full of warmth Still full of life Showed me that even though She was tired She had not given up! Hoping her children will one day Not give up on her But Come together as one And stop this sibling rivalry That was tearing her apart From the inside out! As long as her heart beats I knew mine had to beat in sync With hers And the beat kept saying U-nite U-nite U-nite So that she lives through me I too am the house of stone Created by a different ston But a stone nonetheless Meaning there is a strength in me To wipe her tears away And restore a joy That She so needs for us To live Our relationship had changed For it had to take 14 days of a new year to realise That i too am the house of stone And her pain is my pain! LadyTshawe 2019

[ladytshawe]

We spoke. We laughed. Most importantly we ATE. And not forgetting the frozen wash down😂 Thanks @melaninmodel_zim for lunch today. @empress_patience and I are grateful. Next time tell us so we know to order more😝 #tuesdayhappiness #supercools #friendshipselfies

[ladytshawe]

Break The Shell!

In my state of so called peace

I’m making strides

Thriving!

Queening!

Well,so it seems

Cause when doors close

Lights are off

My true self shines

I am broken

Bruised and battered

Hurting deep inside

I am Stuck between mountains and hills

And I’m meant to make a garden

Filled with roses and lilies?

But forgive me if all i can make

Is a statue of rocks

Because Rocks are all I have

From the chiseling I’m doing

Trying to find an escape

From the prison

These mountains have put me in

Climbing got tiring

Cause I kept falling

Kept hurting

Kept being pushed down

And I’m tired

So tired, that i put insomnia to shame

Nights and days

Have blended

To one continuous Trauma!

Motions, thats what it is

I’m going through the

Damn motions- emotions!

And I’m exhausted

Of assuming a position

Of happiness

When all i want

Is to kick,scream

And maybe shoot someone

And build castles in the sky

And pretend that the clouds

Are candy floss...

So,what are you saying?

His voice brought me back

To the coldness of this world

I am saying

I want more

Be more

But not with you

I looked in the mirror today

And it’s like i saw me

For the first time

And I fell in love

With my quiet strength

With the beauty of my scars

And realised each tear I cried

Watered the seeds inside of me

And now I’ve bloomed

I want to be present

In this life

Be in the now

Without you sucking the life

Out of me

And making me remain stuck

In the past

And be clothed with guilt

For mistakes made in ignorance

I want to strip off

Your scent of worthlessness

And adorn grace

And button it up

With being content

Because even with my flaws

I am enough!

I am saying

I want my groove back

I want my smile

I want to be able to dream

And live my dreams

I want my heart to know

The beat of another’s

To have my soul

massaged to ecstasy

And i moan

Genuinely exhilarated

I want love

I want my crown

And that can only happen

Outside of you

I am saying it’s over

It’s been over

I was just late

To realise that i always had

The key to my Queendom

[ladytshawe]

Chocolate, Cocaine, Cupcakes

Minding my own business

Being the strong Queen in my Queendom

Here i am rocking

My strength in my hair and print

And boom! I walk into a room

And with just one look my world turns upside down

There he stands

In all his glory!

I freeze, not sure whether

To turn around

Or pretend I didn’t see him

But it’s too late

He sees me !

And he smiles..

That smile took me

Back to a time

Where i thought life couldn’t

Get any sweeter

You see it was his smile

That would set my heart on fire

Engulf me into a whirlwind

Of ecstasy

And before i knew it

I saw his eyes

Eyes that could see

Right through me

There i was standing

And his eyes were still able

To unzip my dress

Unhook my bra

And slip my panties off

And leave me naked before him

I was his Monalisa

And he my Leonardo

A masterpiece to behold

Work of art he would call me

Like i said he could see right through me

It wasn’t uncomfortable

It was safe

This is probably how Eve felt when

Adam laid eyes on her

Safe. Loved. Sexy. Protected

I stood there

All my black girl magic

On lockdown

All i could hear was my heart

Beating louder than my thoughts

And i think i stopped

Breathing for a while

Cause i dont know when

He walked towards me

Gave me a hug

I was brought back to reality

By his scent

That made me gasp for air

As if i was drowning and

His arms where my life jacket

Keeping my head above water

I broke into a sweat

And I had to find my

‘Wathinta umfazi, wathinta imbokodo’

Strength

But he spoke

And my efforts where in vain

I barely remember what he said

For his voice was soothing

And had the Ability

To water my garden

Without permission

As i was led to a world

Where no words were needed

our chocolate celestial bodies

Communicated for us

And there i was standing

By his bedside

Slipping back my panties on

I looked at him lying there

And for the first time saw

The truth staring back at me

I was supergirl

And he was my krypronite

And right there i realised

That when chocolate becomes your

Cocaine and all you become is

A cupcake to be eaten

It’s time to tighten up your

Panties and be the Iron lady!

LadyTshawe ©️

[ladytshawe]

One day i was fed up with my body lotion that kept needing glycerin to work just fine on my dry skin. Instead of switching brands and finding another lotion i decided to try make something. And because i love working with my hands,it didn’t take too long to come up with an all natural body butter that did the things for my skin. And i began experimenting and decided to make scrubs and lipbalms as well. I am no expert,but those that have used the products have enjoyed them so much. I present the Southern Royalty brand. DM for more details #southernroyalty #naturalskincare #cocoabutter #bodybutters #bodyscrubs #naturalovers https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn8B3T7Bbqg/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1srm265yal8pw

[ladytshawe]

Crushing on #MrsKwenda who made the most amazing cake ever. Yup it was upside down and hanging! Thank you for making my day! 📸 @fmg263 🎂 MrsKwenda #tjn #wcw #weddingcake #hangingcake #upsidedowncake. #royalty👑 #zimweddings @thandozevents @bulawayoweddings @zimweddings https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn5hew_hrBw/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1j5nxyg1t91qc

[ladytshawe]

Howdy peeps! Here’s where to catch me in the next few days! So let’s link up! #TshaweMCs #TshaweActs #intwasa #albumlaunch #theatrejunkie #stageismyhome https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn3SuO6h0r3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7z6tgpjon3pm

[ladytshawe]

My Sunday afternoons are not complete without a game of hockey #hockeylover #TshawePlays #IplayForBHC https://www.instagram.com/p/BnykkXWBHEM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13q5k9ujbarzn

[ladytshawe]

Happy Sunday y’all #SouthernRoyalty #Tshawe https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnx8EjIhPH_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1s23vowpc75ye

[ladytshawe]

Have your faves ever? My #WCW goes out to the ladies who stiof by me since day 1. @dlodlo_princess @elaine_moyo7 @chosenkwakes @samie_dee1 @thembi_jubane 📸 @fmg263 MUA @makeup_yapatiey https://www.instagram.com/p/BnnehlMhuGK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=18he5y8fs6l8d

[ladytshawe]

New Single Alert. ‘Love this Feeling’ a new offering from LadyTshawe ft @xmile07 is dropping 22 August 2018 #SouthernRoyalty #LoveThisFeeling https://www.instagram.com/p/BmeErZxhmBH/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1boid2siyxtz6