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[lamentsofthedamned]

For Tanner

I like to torture myself by thinking about people I loved once upon a time, who for one reason or another I can never be normal with and wondering if they ever think of me.

And what’s worse? I’ve changed so much in the last 6 months, I wouldn’t talk to the person I was either, why would I give me a chance now?

I wish I had met you after I had a chance to grow up, not all those years prior. I wish I had met you after I moved away from there. I wish you could meet the person I am now who has learned so god damn much already and continues to grow every day. Most of all, I wish you weren’t collateral damage in the chaos of me growing into my existence.

I look back and I’m disgusted at the person I was. I can’t change what I’ve done, but I can change what I’ll do. Although I fucked it all up and I’ve lost you, maybe one day when you think of me, you’ll no longer cringe. Maybe…even though I can’t preserve our friendship or rebuild the damage I’ve already done, I can change enough that it’s not my defining quality in your eyes.

I don’t know why your opinion of me matters to so much….Actually I do. It’s because it’s justified. You’re right about me and it kills me to know that of all people, I changed enough to disrupt your opinion of me, something I took for granted. Something I thought I could never lose until I did. And boy I fucking did, overnight or something. I just saw you one day. Although I saw you everyday, you saw me back for once. For what I was. For what I am, and it scared me. Because I could see it in the eyes of the one person who loved me unconditionally, that they had realized I was not who they thought I was. And they didn’t like it. I take this punishment and wallow in it in silence, because I know I deserve it. I don’t deserve to beg for your forgiveness again so I won’t. You deserve, after everything, to never have to hear another word from the lips you used to yearn for again. I owe you that.

Just know that I meant it when I said I loved you. I always fucking loved you. I STILL fucking love you. And I’ll continue to until…shit, probably forever.

I’m sorry…for well…god damn…everything….just fucking everything.

2:34 am

Sunday, May 5

Youngtown, Arizona

Blake Nelson

[lamentsofthedamned]

Hello again,

It’s been a very very long time since I’ve found myself boiling over with words, with emotion. With so much emotion that it turns into words. This is going to be rusty but it doesn’t matter.

I’ve always said that my passion for words lies directly in my heartbreak and in my love. This time I’m feeling both.

I’ve fallen in love again. And this one isn’t a horror story like the rest, its a soft ballad. The kind of love that I’m not afraid to feel. The kind of love that makes me afraid I’ll never feel it again.

I met him accidentally. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a whore, I’ve never been one to fuck on the first night, but I met him. Oh god, I met HIM. It was supposed to just be sex. And then I accidentally never left and he never asked to me leave. It’s been a year and a half since I met Richard and for the better part of that time, I had a boyfriend who I didn’t love.

Rich and I, god we are so much alike. Almost to a fault. There’s only one other person in my life who I have felt a feeling like this with and he is long gone. But this is different, stronger. I miss the days when we would lay in the dark and talk about life and love and religion. The hours that we would cry in one another’s arms and relive the horrors of our past. I miss the hours I spent on his chest, learning his heartbeat and letting mine sync. I miss how perfectly my body fit into his. It’s like we’re puzzle pieces except it’s complete with just the two of us. How I could just roll over and fold into him and he would pull me in close and some primal instinct in me knew that he would never push me away. I knew in those moments that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

He gave me his house key.

He gave me his fucking house key. I kept it on my keys for weeks. He would wake up and let me sleep and I had his house key. Because he knew that I would always come back. He didn’t have to invite me because it was unspoken that he wanted me there and I wanted to be there.

I played hard to get. I pretended like I wasn’t girlfriend material, pretended indifference to his blatant feelings for me because I was afraid of him, of me, of us. And by the time I realized I was so helplessly in love with him, he couldn’t return it because he had other things holding him back. And so I dated someone else. For a year. And I never stopped thinking of him. Never stopped loving him, never stopped missing him.

And then we got back in contact and he tells me he loves me. He kisses me in front of his friends and says “I love you” in front of them so casually, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. His arms are so strong. Effortlessly strong enough to hold me up but never strong enough to hold up his own delicate emotions. I want to be his bandage, I want to love him strong and soft and kiss his broken places until they heal. But he’s gone now. He moved back to Albuquerque to avoid a DUI and god damn, I feel like I piece of my soul has left. I ache because he is so beautiful, so funny, so much of everything that I want and need in my life and I know that someone else is going to recognize that. And they’re going to fall in love with him.

He asks me if I’ve replaced him. As if it’s ever been a Fucking option for me. As if anyone else fucking exists to me. He can’t come back for 5 years. 5 years man, you know what can fucking happen in 5 years? Everything. A whole life can happen in 5 years.

How do I make this happen?

Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. You know? He asked me to move to New Mexico with him, and I said yes. I was ready. I knew what I wanted but he only asked me when he was drunk and then we never talked about it again. And when he told me to talk to him about it sober and I did, suddenly I’m a “disgusting, porn star, stripper.” And he’s accusing of wanting his dumbass friends.

Was it a defense mechanism? Was he hurting me because he was afraid if how loving me made him feel? Or was he hurting me because he hates himself and thinks that he doesn’t deserve me? OR was he hurting me because the only time he could ever love me was when he was drunk and he regretted how whole heartedly I was ready to drop my life and follow him. Maybe this fucking love story only exists in my own head.

Maybe, as Fucking always, I’m holding on to a knife by the blade and squeezing it until blood drips on the floor and calling it love.

[foxy-mulder-deactivated20190929]

Hand kissing is sacred, high romance and I think we need to revive it

[lamentsofthedamned]

Unpopular fact:

People talk about anxiety like it’s all constantly thinking your significant other doesn’t love you anymore and/or that you aren’t good enough for them and blah blah blah.

What they don’t talk about is how severe anxiety is taking 6 showers in a night to try to calm down. Or avoiding freeways even if it takes you an hour longer to get where you’re going. Not being able to eat because you feel like you’re dying. Staying up until the early morning because the anxiety goes hand in hand with insomnia. Not being able to focus on conversations or being rude to the person talking to you because there’s just too fucking much happening inside your head to try to concentrate on whatever the fuck they’re chattering about. Cancelling plans because you know you’ll be fine to get there but by the time you’re ready to go home your anxiety will be too high for you to even drive your own Fucking car. And SPEAKING of, having to pull over and have your friends come rescue you because you started panicking and then having to go pick your car up in a couple days when you feel able again. Feeling like a bottle of soda that’s been shaken the fuck up and getting sick because you can’t make it go away.

Mental illness is not a fucking trend, you’re lucky to be normal. Just because you get nervous in public situations sometimes doesn’t mean you have Fucking anxiety. Stop romanticizing the things that keep the people who struggle with it from living their normal fucking lives.

[weltenwellen]

Maggie Stiefvater, Call Down the Hawk

[lamentsofthedamned]

She’s amazing and I need to read this because everything she’s ever written was amazing

[stevienick]

‪john krasinski breaking character in the office for two minutes straight ‬

[lamentsofthedamned]

In the end, we are all just living to die.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[extramadness]

[hall--o--ween]

[poemswords]

“The other day, you walked by me with your friends and I could feel the pity in your stare. Don’t you do that. Don’t you look at what I had for you and call it weak. Not when you were the one afraid of it.”

— Caitlyn Siehl, What We Buried (via books-n-quotes)

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

“An unfinished feeling.”

— Sylvia Plath, from Johnny Panic & The Bible Of Dreams: Short Stories, Prose And Diary Excerpts

[writing-prompt-s]

“You know what they say, right? Once a demon meets a person who makes them feel something beyond the desire to burn everything to the ground, then they should present two rings that will bind their souls together for all eternity.”

“…Sounds pretty extra to me.”

“Yeah, but it’s romantic.”

[aharboredcollectionofthoughts]

It’s never the right time to love you, and since I can’t love you here, can’t love you now, can’t love you in the ways I long to love you, I will love you from my toes and from my heart. I will love you in my dreams. I will love you from the backseat, holding onto your eyes in a West Virginia sunset. I will love you in a world that exists in my head but never one I could touch with my fingers. Just know that I do. That I do love you.

[lamentsofthedamned]

Am I an impostor in my own life or am I simply becoming who I really want to be?

And what exactly is the fucking difference?

[stcrlghts]

latin phrases worth knowing:

(in case you wanted to know because i fucking love this language) 

ad astra per aspera - to the stars through difficulties 

alis volat propriis - he flies by his own wings 

amantium irae amoris integratio est - the quarrels of lovers are the renewal of love 

ars longa, vita brevis - art is long, life is short 

aut insanity homo, aut versus facit - the fellow is either mad or he is composing verses 

dum spiro spero - while I breathe, I hope 

ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem - with the sword, she seeks peace under liberty 

exigo a me non ut optimus par sim sed ut malis melior - I require myself not to be equal to the best, but to be better than the bad

experiential docet - experience teaches 

helluo librorum - a glutton for books (bookworm) 

in libras libertas - in books, freedom 

littera scripta manet - the written letter lasts 

mens regnum bona possidet - an honest heart is a kingdom in itself 

mirabile dictu - wonderful to say 

nullus est liber tam malus ut non aliqua parte prosit - there is no book so bad that it is not profitable in some part 

omnia iam fient quae posse negabam - everything which I used to say could not happen, will happen now 

poeta nascitur, non fit - the poet is born, not made 

qui dedit benificium taceat; narrat qui accepit - let him who has done a good deed be silent; let him who has received it tell it 

saepe ne utile quidem est scire quid futurum sit - often, it is not advantageous to know what will be 

sedit qui timuit ne non succederet - he who feared he would not succeed sat still 

si vis pacem, para bellum - if you want peace, prepare for war 

struit insidias lacrimis cum feminia plorat - when a woman weeps, she is setting traps with her tears 

sub rosa - under the rose 

trahimir omnes laudis studio - we are led on by our eagerness for praise

urbem latericium invenit, marmoream reliquit - he found the city a city of bricks; he left it a city of marble 

ut incepit fidelis sic permanet - as loyal as she began, so she remains

[theprocast]

I know some people worry that no one will ever love them, but what frightens me the most is that I'll never fall in love with someone again. I'll meet someone and they'll love me with all of their being and I won't be able to feel anything close to how they feel.

— Marley C. // how do I feel again?