There was a very long article in a Danish newspaper (Politiken) this weekend about how Denmark is one of the ‘least favorable' places in the world for ex-pats (of any country) to make friends. The article was based on a survey from internations.com of 20,000 ex-pats from around the world. Out of 64 countries, Denmark ranked 48.
“But, I thought Denmark was the happiest country in the world?”
Well, they are — or they were. According to the World Happiness Report 2019, Finland is now the happiest country in the world, with Denmark at a close #2.
But this isn’t about how happy the Danes are, but how easy it is for a foreigner to become close friends with a Dane.
The newspaper article was centered around the survey and an interview of an American guy who lives in Denmark and is married to a Dane. There were also short comments from a few other ex-pats. All of which echoed the same sentiment: "Danes don't care to make friends with foreigners.”
An HR person from one of Denmark’s largest business organizations was also interviewed. She says that they try to help ex-pats feel more ‘included' in the lives of the Danes’, by arranging all kinds of activities with the workplaces. Like events at local clubs, or cultural events, sporting events, etc. But she comments that it’s difficult to force Danes to like ex-pats.
In my experience, it’s difficult to force anyone to like anyone else. Period.
Now, I think the article was a bit one-sided. It took the results of one survey and interviewed one person that agreed with the survey’s findings. The journalist who wrote the article is a Dane (I think)…and that made me consider the jest of the article and the result of the survey.
I admit that I have not studied the survey. If you’re into that kind of stuff or a statistics nerd, you can find the survey on the Internations website…somewhere.
This is simply MY own observation of Danish "Friendliness", based on my own personal experience.
Having read the newspaper article, it made me wonder if I have the same experience. Do I personally find it difficult to make friends here in Denmark?
For me, even as a kid, I had friends, classmates, kids from the neighborhood that I hung out with, but only very few close friends. That just how I am.
I have lived in Denmark for over 30 years, and just like when I was a kid, I have many friends, colleagues, neighbors, and acquaintances — but only a small handful of close friends. Friends made mainly because of shared experiences.
Is that because Danes don’t want to be my friend because I’m not Danish? Sweet, charming, lovable me?!? Really?!?
So, I considered this and considered what typical Danish friendships are. Just to make a point, I'm going to be totally generalistic in my account of the "typical Dane" when it comes to making friends.
First of all, have you seen a typical Danish neighborhood? I’m talking about the towns on the outskirts of major cities. You know, “Suburbia". For instance, take the neighborhood that I live in. All of the yards are enclosed in hedges as tall as a person. You cannot see into most of the yards!
Danes are very often wonderful gardeners with beautiful yards. And yet, they seem to want to hide them from anyone walking past. It is a shame, really. But that’s how they roll.
I have never seen a neighborhood, where the front yard is open and facing the street. Where front porches or patios face out towards the sidewalk and you can sit on the stoop or on a porch swing or lawn chair and wave at folks as they walk by. That is so totally NOT Danish!
Danes are very private people. Even amongst themselves.
Case in point. For several years my Danish husband, our kids and I lived in an apartment complex. We barely knew who else lived in the apartments around us.
Danes have lots of friends, though — both foreign and domestic.
In a typical Danish workplace you can have lots of friends that you talk to, confide in, laugh with. But it is not often that you carry on that friendship outside of the workplace, regardless of whether or not your colleagues are Danish.
Now, I’m not talking about the really small, family-owned businesses or two friends that earn money making jewelry for fish or anything like that. There is often a very different dynamic in those types of workplaces.
Workplaces here are big on “team-building”, Friday happy-hour, sporting activities or some other activity that attempts to help employees better to get to know each other.
I seldom appreciate these events. I mean, I spend 7-8 hours a day, five days a week with these people…please let me spend just a few hours with my family!!
But I digress.
When Danes actually do meet outside of the workplace, it is often for playing sports, meeting in activity groups, housing associations or running clubs. They are with friends, but still not often close friends. (Yes, yes…I know there are exceptions! Again, I am writing in veeeery general terms.)
Also, consider that the typical Dane works a full-time job. A typical Danish family has two working parents. More often than not, both parents are working full time, as well. So when they do spend time with friends, it’s going to be on occasion and with those few close friends.
So, they do have close friends?
Yes! Yes, of course, they do!
I have found that when Danes do have very close friends, they are often friendships that started in their youth. Most likely in school - grade school or high school. Maybe even from college or university or boot camp! Close friends that share a past, who knows where each other comes from.
I may be wrong, but I think it is seldom that close friends are made from within the workplace — Danish or not. I would be willing to bet (not money, but a beer or something) that the survey by Internations was based on people that expatriated to other countries as adults. Given that they don’t share a past with the Danes, they are not likely to become close friends with them.
But let me make something clear. Danes are - in general - lovely, kind and friendly people…they just like to keep to themselves.
If you approach a Dane with a smile and an open mind, you can become friends with them. And if you are lucky, you can become very close friends with them…and then you will have a lifelong friend.
If you’re lucky.
