Crazy/Beautiful

The only way to have a life is to commit to it like crazy. ~Angelina Jolie

[larrainey]

Happy new year, I guess?

I think I kind of pop on here yearly just to say I will write or update randomly then dip. haha! Apologies but I'm trying!

This 2026, one of my resolve is to get back into things that actually interest me and/ or learn a new skill that I can profit off and be productive with.

We'll see what this year brings me, but I hope it brings me all the positive opportunities so I could be in a headspace where I can finally feel like I am actually living and not just coasting / drifting.

That is all.

PS: I am writing a longer letter but not sure where I will be publishing it but I am still finishing it in my drafts. tee hee

[larrainey]

Hello.

It’s me again.

I opened this account because I was reading through another tumblr account. I wanted to find out something because it kinda made sense- until I looked at the timestamp on that post.

After that it was kind of 50-50. I felt relieved but also felt disappointed? It was not about me, it was about someone I truly care about.

Anyway, I really need to sleep. It’s past 1am.

Good night.

[larrainey]

Hi, it's me again.

/proof of life/ - in the sense that I still know my logins lol

I previously stated that I hope I'd write again. Well, as you can see, that didn't pan out. I did write though- I have a series of letter I write to someone named Cooper (not a real person, just an fyi) every time things get too much for me. I haven't been to my doctor (therapist/ psychiatrist, wtvr) since August of 2023 and 2024 has been "meh".

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope but at the same time I don't wanna be here and I feel like I'm drowning and all that I am is barely surviving month to month, day to day.

Anyway, I'm fighting to process my feelings and I think I'm better at regulating myself now though that's not always the case. hahaha

That is all, I guess.

[larrainey]

Hello

December 25, 2023

Merry Christmas!

I haven't been writing as much as I can because life got in the way. I got busy because my eldest now goes to school and I am the one who drives her to school and pick her up again since my husband works a graveyard shift. Aside from school drop offs and pick ups, I manage our small printing business. By manage I meant I do everything - design, layout, printing. Unless I'm dealing with mugs or cups then my husband does that, and he helps me with cutting stickers and other products.

This year has been a roller coaster ride. Lots of ups and downs. Thankful not only for the opportunities that come our way, but also for the lessons we pick up along. Sometimes I get a whiplash from all the emotional and mental breakdowns here and there but I give myself a pat in the back for surviving despite the many trials I face on the daily. This year has been the hardest to control my compulsions but you win some, you lose some. I guess I'm relieved that I haven't acted out on my many urges of running away and leaving everything behind.

I just hope 2024 gets better for all of us. I want to write some more this 2024, I hope I can do that. Anyway, much love to everyone and Happy Holidays ! <3

[larrainey]

04/13/23

I finally got an official diagnosis. I was expecting the same exact diagnosis but it feels different when someone says it to you, especially if it's her expert and clinical opinion. It feels scary having this confirmed to me. I knew way back that something wasn't right with me, but my mom refused to get help for me. Maybe that is why my symptoms, which the doctor said should've gone away when you're in your teens, are still persistent to this day. My psychiatrist was actually trying to soften the blow by telling me I'm not that kind of psychotic as in /CRAZY/.

I mean I understand where she's coming from. I also understand that I'm a high functioning person, just with clinical depression w/ ocd and psychosis. So yeah, that's the official diagnosis- Major Depressive Disorder w/ ocd and psychosis. I am advised to take my meds everyday and when I have somewhere I need to be early the next day, I have to take my meds earlier. My meds help me control my urges and allow me to quiet my thoughts and sleep soundly. I am actually thankful for that but I kind of dread waking up the next day because I feel so groggy even though I am well rested. (My symptoms manifested physically and it got worse so I'm thankful that the meds helped in making me relax and not fidget and not have urges.)

I am also expected to come back monthly, it seems. I have already a scheduled appointment for next month's session. Oh, I asked if I can go back to work but she said it's better for me to get better first. So yeah, I'm gonna find some sort of distraction while I am not yet allowed to go to work. I already scheduled a run / jog session with my brother next week and I feel excited for the first time in a while. I'm thinking of buying new running shoes just so I'd get pumped up and hopefully do it constantly. I'm hoping for the best.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have a detailed post on how this came about but I dunno if that'll see the light of day. 😅

Till next time! 🤙🏼

[larrainey]

Every time I try to post something on here I eventually delete it and they never see the light of day. They never even make it to the drafts. But there's one thing I have kept in my drafts for about a week or two... It's something I'm going through right now, but in detail.

Basically, I am seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-psychotic meds. I want to document my progress here since I feel like this is the place I'd get least judgment.

I want to dig through that deeper in the next post, whenever that may be. Also I may edit that draft once I get a hold of my official diagnosis.

Till then. 🤙🏼

[larrainey]

You appeared in my dream. It was so vivid and I was entangled in your warmth again. Then a voice was heard and I was trying my best to get out of your hold. You were persistent though, you didn’t want to let go. How selfish.

Good thing I woke up. Glad I’ve woken up from that long hazy slumber that is summer.

[larrainey]

Turned out into something I despise. I just wanna disappear into the void and never come back. I hate this!

[larrainey]

Happy six years to this beauty.

And to my fvcking demons that gave birth to this. I’m doing better most days now. 💪🏻

[larrainey]

I shouldn’t listen to this while reading AUs?! It’s making me feel things, like this whole album though

[larrainey]

03/30/2021

I cried again.

“Get out. Get out!” That was what I kept saying. I don’t like this. I can’t do this anymore.

Why do you keep coming back? Like I no longer want to talk about you, think about you... or miss you.

“Get out. Get out!” I pointed to my chest as tears roll down my cheeks one by one.

Let me be done with it. When can I be done with this?

[larrainey]

Sun will rise and we will try again | Positivity | Pinterest

Sun will rise and we will try again

Note to self on motherhood, as a first-time mom

[larrainey]

Took this on the way home last April. I see a little girl and her dog playing.

Maybe Polly was missing you so bad that’s why you went. Well, maybe apart from you missing your mom and dad too.

It’s been 6 months. I still cry about you, I don’t think I’ll stop soon. It’s been tough, really difficult. Most days I’m okay. Other times, I’m not. Been trying so hard to cry less because of this bundle of joy I’m carrying and I’m being told not to stress or cry a lot but sometimes it’s just too much. Pretty sad you won’t get to know each other personally but I’m confident you’re happy for me.

There was a time I felt guilty for being so happy and in love with this baby I have yet to meet because I felt that I was not done grieving you. But I know you’d get mad at me for feeling that way.

We’ve literally spent our “whole lives” together, except that brief time when you went to Canada. You’re my first best friend, playmate, even at times my enemy; but most of all you are not just a cousin you are my sister. You know everything about me without prejudice. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a confidant who understands me like you do.

I miss you. I miss you a lot. Thirty years worth of photos, videos, memories. I know you’re happy and I’m happy for you- believe me I am. It just hurts you had to go, especially in a time when we weren’t ready. I never thought I’d lose you so soon- and in the way that we did.

So forgive me if I cry once in a while. But I’ll try to remember that you’re forever happy and pain-free and that is all that matters.

I love you forever.

||JBI-A||

11/01/87-03/15/18

||My Sister||

PS:

After your mom died last year, I promised I wouldn’t write any eulogy for a family member anymore nor buy clothes to wear for funeral/burial/interment. But I did both. But I still did not deliver a eulogy on your interment because I could not for the life of me do that. I was trying to keep it together but I was a complete mess on that day, as I’m sure you were aware. Forgive me for writing this piece, I just need to let it out. 😔

[larrainey]

This showed up in my Facebook memories.

I now understand how it resonated with me. All of us have our own version of “Montauk”. It could be a place, a specific date or a moment in time where we have kept all the happy and wonderful memories we’ve shared with a special person.

We don’t keep or have it just because we’re lonely and yearn for that very person or moment. We keep it because that “Montauk” brought out pure unfiltered emotions and we want to bask in it for a greater cause- closure, freedom, happiness, healing, to begin again. There may have been times we want to erase the memories of people we’ve shared our lives with, but that is not easy at all. We struggle to let go of every tiny detail but we know we can’t completely discard everything from our system, so we choose to keep the best ones. In that way, we tread on a much postive journey towards our personal healing.

We all try hard everyday to forge ahead and it’s okay if we approach the same situation differently. Our coping mechanisms vary and you’re not at fault on how you choose to process your transformation, as I’m not at fault for mine either. I understood that quite late. There is no correct formula or step by step guide in moving on, starting over or being at peace.

So yes, please meet me in Montauk.

PS: Photo isn’t mine. Showed up by searching through google.✌🏻 No copyright infringement intended.

[larrainey]

How does one move on from the death of a loved one? In my mind, I still picture you healthy, full of life and happy. Every time I do though, I cannot stop my tears from falling because that vision will remain just that- a vision. It's no longer a reality, at least here in the physical world. I sit here across your casket accepting of the truth that you're already gone but still in disbelief of how time is such a thief and how it took you away so sudden. I guess it's our consolation that you are no longer in pain and you were at peace. You know, I still cry about Tatay, Lolo Pedro and Lolo Pal; so I'm quite sure I'd still cry about you too. I'm not still sure if people do move on from the death of their loved one. Maybe they just heal with time and it will make the pain bearable. I think we can allow ourselves to feel the pain, the loss... it will be my first birthday without you and our first Christmas and New Year without you. You, on the other hand, will celebrate Tatay's birthday with him for the first time after a very long while. I bet he has welcomed you with a very warm and long embrace! You have fun in heaven, okay? We'll have a reunion in heaven once God calls us home to be with you all. We will miss you and we will remember you. I love you, Tita. ❤️ RIP ◎Sonia B. Illastron◎ January 13, 1952- November 4, 2017

[larrainey]

🍻 (at Pat's Creek Bar)

[larrainey]

For love of makeup! ❤️ ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ https://larrainebee.blogspot.com/2017/08/beauty-haul.html