Last lines of Tim Dowling's Guardian Weekend column @lastlinesofdowling - Tumblr Blog

“Never,” she says.

August 26, 2017, ‘I can’t find the mustard, and I seem to be in everyone’s way’

Sergio is not there, but just inside our front gate I find a huge new bin with VETRO written on it, shining in the bright sun.

August 19, 2017, “Do I know enough Italian to bribe a shirtless man?”

I don’t know why she’s come back so soon, but I have to consider the strong possibility that I insisted on it.

August 12, 2017, “Will I be fluent in Italian by the time my plane lands?”

Billy looks back, wearing an expression that seems to say: I’m so sorry.

August 5, 2017, “A tale of two doorbells”

“I don’t think you should stand there,” the oldest one says.

April 29, 2017, “I step on the cat again, it makes a noise I’ve never heard before”

The next morning I am woken by the sound of people laughing, as my wife tells the story in the kitchen.

March 4, 2017, “Who’s the woman in my bed?"

“In that case,” I say. “What should I buy?”

February 25, 2017, “‘The dog is lying in a pool of its own vomit, like a rock star’”

I don’t say anything; I just reflect on the fact that for all these years I’ve unknowingly been helping myself to salt from a rabbit’s water bowl.

February 18, 2017, “‘Cutlery shouldn’t be made from more than one thing’”

“Check owls,” I say.

February 11, 2017, “‘How are you enjoying the break,’ I ask my wife. She shudders”

“Awwww,” I say.

February 4, 2017, “I’m away, so my wife has time to decide whether to leave me”

It’s more than a part, I think. It’s a calling.

January 28, 2017, “I’m being made up as a woman. I thought I’d be prettier”

“I thought it’s what you would have wanted,” she says.

January 21, 2017, “‘I’m leaving you,’ my wife says, ‘I’ve had enough’”

Mentally he scrolls right along a spreadsheet of resolutions until he gets to “Learn Italian”. Curtain.

January 14, 2017, “Me and my stupid New Year’s resolution”

“Actually,” I say, “it’s called Gilmore Girls. There’s no ‘the’.”

January 7, 2017, “There’s a crowd in my kitchen”

Happy New Year.

December 31, 2016, “My year in numbers”

Last lines of Tim Dowling's Guardian Weekend column