I'm the Protagonist of This Story

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I miss Us

i miss us as an us. now there’s only a You and a Me. i miss feeling completely unconditionally loved by you. the way you’d look at me like i was the most beautiful person in the universe. like i was completely safe in your arms and nothing bad could ever happen with them wrapped around me. i miss having your hand to hold through the good and bad times. i felt so lucky to have someone love me so much, and to be so certain about me. in a world that doesn’t have any guarantees, i knew you’d always love me. 

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Learning to say NO

I believe that girls were raised to be polite and not hurt anybody’s feelings. So when we grew up, we didn’t know how to be direct and just flat out say “no” to others without worrying about sounding rude. I get angry with myself every time I allow others to walk all over me because I’m a people pleaser who has a hard time standing her ground. It especially happens on dates when I don’t want to seem difficult or prudish so I beat around the bush. Men can’t see that I’m clearly uncomfortable and take my maybe as a note to persuade me to change my mind. I say that I’m uncomfortable with public displays of affection and that leads to them trying to get me in secluded places. I say I’m not a big drinker and they ask me to split a pitcher of sangria. I say I won’t have more than a glass but they can have more but nope, he’s splitting the bill with me so that’s unfair. So instead after 3 times of me saying that I don’t really want to drink much, we order the expensive pitcher and he eats half my food when I said I’m starving. Men don’t listen or read our body language. I’m so fucking sick of them thinking they just have to persuade women to get their way. Like if i seem hesistant, back the fuck off and don’t ask again. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you.

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In a sea of blue, I only see you.

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A Blank Canvas

A new start. Seems so daunting. Having a blank canvas in front of you. Open to so many possibilities. But where do you begin? Your head begins to swirl around with all these great ideas. But you're a perfectionist. You want this canvas to be just right. After all you're putting in your time and resources for the finished product. And then your anxiety kicks in. What if it doesn’t turn out the way I want it to? What if I'm a failure? This thought is so overwhelming that you end up not starting at all. You tuck away the plain white canvas in your room for the day you’re brave enough to just let go. The day you don’t care about what the final product looks like because it's about the journey to get there. The courage it took for you to take out your brush, dip it into the paint and put it on the canvas. Forever changing that blank white sheet. 

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Nostalgia is a dirty liar

We were the kind of people you’d see in all those indie films. The kind who’d lay in the grass and play with the flowers. The kind who’d feel comfortable sitting next to each other in complete silence. We’d go to museums, we’d eat lots of food, we’d explore the city, and just enjoy each other’s company. And it felt so damn good. To have someone to hold you. Someone who’d listen to all the crazy things on your mind and not have them think you’re as crazy as you are. Someone who complemented your personality. Someone who’d call you out on your shit. Someone you were completely truly yourself around. Mind you our relationship obviously wasn't perfect. There were a lot of fights and breaking points in between. Times when he made me feel so insignificant I wanted to scream.  We were the kind of friends where one loved the other more than the other could care…

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The Holidays

It’s that time of the year where people try to pull themselves together and be happy for a month straight. But then the special day passes and nothing changes and we are all the same people we were yesterday. People who have these high expectations that are never met only to later feel disappointment in both our year in review and our non exciting night. It’s especially apparent for those without significant others which is lame. Then, you’re forced to look back towards the seemingly small accomplishments you’ve made in the past year. Whilst contemplating that, you must also feel the pressure of setting new years resolutions, some that you’ve had for the past several years that you never quite complete. For me it’s the typical better myself goals. More self love less self hate. Educate yourself by reading more books. Cook homemade meals more often. Eat healthy and exercise more. Do yoga once a day. Wash your face at least twice a day even when you’re tired at night. Do not procrastinate on school work and so on. The usual goals that I’m sure everyone has. The issue with broad goals like these are that people don’t know how to achieve them. They must be broken down into small steps we can achieve everyday to form healthier habits until it’s routine. All of which is easier said than done. 

Personal sidenote, my new resolution from 2017 is to create more whether it be diys, journal entries, videos, photography, etc. I want to express and challenge my creativity like never before. 

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Untitled #1

There has to be some underlining irony behind the fact that there are so many of us in first world countries trying to die when there are also so many in third world countries fighting to live. Now that isn’t to say that because some have it better than others, they have no reason to be sad. That’s advice that I still need to remind myself of sometimes. Your problems are still real no matter how fortunate you may be in certain aspects of life. I think this kind of thinking roots from parents saying things like, “Don’t waste food, there’s people starving in Africa.” Yes, that is true, but us throwing or eating out food has no effect on those people. It’s not a true comparison. Furthermore, material possessions do not equate to happiness. I guess I’m just trying to say that I know there is so much bad happening around the world right now that sometimes I feel silly for complaining about first world problems like my university work load when there are people trying not to get bombed everyday. Sometimes it is good to get a world perspective. But it should not minimize your right to feel down sometimes in the society you live in. I hope this spiel sorta made sense... 

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FUCK YOU

You’re literally the shittiest person. Fuck you. Like you want to re-evaluate our friendship, go the fuck ahead. I’ve literally always been there for you, when you can’t even bother to get out of bed for me. You have time to fuck random dudes, but you don’t want to leave the house to see me for the first time in over a year. You’re a shit “friend”. You’ve always been shit. Why do I keep fucking giving you a chance to hurt me? Like I don’t ask much of you, if you think me wanting to hang out with a friend is too much, why consider me a friend? Why talk to me? Cut me to fuck out. I done. I’m done trying. I’m done subsiding my feelings and needs to literally subzero. I have such low expectations and you can’t even meet those. I deserve someone so much better. Someone who doesn’t make me think my own best friend hates me for no fucking reason. I don’t need to continuously put myself through your hoops. I haven’t done anything wrong to you. And yet you always put me on the back-burner. No Fuck You I’m done with your shit and I will never speak to you again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Ugh you ungrateful piece of shit. I was willing to fucking do anything for you, you can’t even fucking see me. Have a nice fucking life asshole. I will no longer let you hurt me. 

*In a calm voice* (We have to allow ourselves to cut the toxic shit people out of our lives, no matter how much it hurts at first. Honestly, you’ll move on and forget about them and feel so much lighter. Like the weight of their baggage has been lifted and you no longer have this negative energy boxed within you)

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A homeless person's idea of fun

My friend’s reaction to a Tinder date asking to grab ice cream at McDonalds. 

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Date Yourself First

One night I was on Tinder and matched with a dude. I thought, ‘okay why not give this guy a chance’. He asks to meet up after 10pm. I didn’t respond because I knew that it was just a booty call and I’m not about that. Instead I decided I don’t need a man to take me out on dates, I will go on a date with myself. So I treated myself to ramen which I’d been craving. This was a big deal to me as I’ve never ate alone at a restaurant before. Of course I had a bit of anxiety sitting there alone thinking people will be judging me for not bringing someone or looking at my phone and texting to prove I have friends. But who cares. I felt so empowered that night. I work for my money so I can support myself and I don’t need a guy to treat me to meals out. It’s about combating those outdated societal norms one step at a time. 

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For the bestfriend I was madly in love with

Just seeing your name hurts me. Like it physically feels like a jab to my heart. It’s been so long since I’ve last seen you. I thought I was over you. I was doing so well, forgetting your voice, your bad habits, and the way you smell. Forgetting all the memories we shared over the course of 7 years. I told myself I am better off without you, as someone who didn’t understand that I cared for you so much that I’d do anything for you. Now you don’t want anything to do with me. And it took me a while to turn the anger and hate into understanding. Anger for feeling like you gave up on our long friendship and you gave up on me. And that hurt me badly. But then I realized it’s not fair for me to expect you to care for me as I do for you. I cannot force someone to love me. I have to accept that you had to cut me out of your life because I was poisonous to you. And it’s not fair for anyone to hold onto negative people who don’t bring you joy. I never saw this coming to and end and I never thought you’d leave. I thought you’d understand that sometimes I hurt and wouldn’t be fun to be around. I guess in the end you really didn’t know me at all. 

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Men need feminism because

My best friend wouldn’t sit at the ‘girls table’

He tried to fit into socieity’s concept of masculinity by never opening up or feeling vulnerable

He suppressed his feelings in an unhealthy way and his only release was fits of anger or drinking

Because that’s what ‘men’ should do

And the list goes on. 

[ace-pervert]

And how would feminism help any of that?

[typical-atheist-scumbag]

Umm… third wave Feminism just makes everything worse, bud.

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Feminism is also about breaking down gender expectations and proving that masculinity doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings.

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Meaning of Life

I think the meaning of life is to give life meaning. For me this means living a life you’re proud of. Doing things you love and that make you happy. Stepping outside your comfort zone and truly putting yourself out there. Learn and explore as much as you can. It also means enjoy yourself and not taking life so seriously. Fuck it and eat the slice of cake (I’m literally doing that right now). Don’t feel bad and don’t think about calories. Live and love freely. I’ll end off with one of my favourite quotes by one of my favourite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, “We are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”

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Hi again,

I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t been able to control my anxiety lately. Like nothing seemed to help me calm down and feel like I’m in control of my mind and body. I felt weak. I haven’t felt this overwhelmed from school in a long time and it’s not even exam season. There’s a million things in the back of my mind that I need to do. And yet I have no motivation to start on anything. I haven’t even thought about going to the gym nor do I care about eating healthy. However, I do still feel guilty when eating shit food. So there’s no winning. My psychologist told me I need to try to get my anxiety to work for me instead of against me. It should motivate me to be productive instead of avoiding everything, I’m still working on that. So here I am doing something I like to do that I haven’t done in a while, which is writing for me. I need to spend more time doing things that make me happy instead of procrastinating and then regretting wasting my time. I also want to learn how to let go of anger and not let other people ruin my day. I shouldn’t lose sleep over what other people may think of me. I will be unapologetically me and if they can’t deal then we do not need to be friends. I am tired of apologizing for being me. Whether I may be grumpy or happy, it’s all part of who I am. 

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Men need feminism because

My best friend wouldn’t sit at the ‘girls table’

He tried to fit into socieity’s concept of masculinity by never opening up or feeling vulnerable

He suppressed his feelings in an unhealthy way and his only release was fits of anger or drinking

Because that’s what ‘men’ should do

And the list goes on. 

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Bars

So I already haven’t really kept up this blog. Let me update you on my night last night. I went out to a bar with a girl friend. This brings up so many topics. It sucks being the designated ugly fat friend who stands by while your friend gets hit on. I can literally feel my self-esteem dropping, which is why bar situations make me so uncomfortable. 

(I wrote the above paragraph a week ago. I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I wanted to give advice on this topic like I have done on previous topics. I didn’t know what to say. This is something I still struggle with. I can’t lie and say that I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me as long as I love myself. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time dancing with my friend and I look back on that night fondly. There weren’t too many creepy guys that I had to thwart away. But it sucks to be single sometimes. And it would be nice to meet an awesome mature guy who doesn’t objectify women on their appearance. 

Anyways, I like to end on a happy note. I have come far in my self love journey but there are definitely road bumps along the way. This is one of them. I’m still working on myself and hopefully the next time will be better.)

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Slipping Back Into Old Patterns

There will be days where you’re unproductive or eat shitty food. It’s going to happen but it’s important to keep moving forward instead of backward. Don’t start to hate yourself or give up on your lifestyle change. So you overate at a restaurant with your friends or didn’t work out. It’s not the end of the world, don’t give up, start again tomorrow. Every day is a new battle. You may feel discouraged and it may be harder to find the motivation but push yourself and remember your goals. When feeling overwhelmed or anxious by how far your goals seem, break them down into smaller tasks. You don’t have to climb the mountain all at once, it takes a series of small steps everyday.