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All grown up

It’s almost instinct, to protect yourself from harm. It used to be more about avoiding physical harm, but once it's taken care off, we protect ourselves emotionally as well. Our capability to protect our emotional well-being is not as refined as our capability of protecting ourselves from physical harm. According to the Maslow hierarchy, physical needs are placed at the bottom of the pyramid diagram, which means it needs to be taken care of primarily. After our physical needs are fulfilled, we will move on to the next level of the pyramid. We shift our focus to emotional needs. We learn to establish a sense of belonging and attachment. Anything that seems to disrupt the process, we see it as a harm. Just as physical damage, pain is the most significant signal of incoming threat. We instinctively try every measure to avoid pain, as we interpret it as a sign of being safe.

When we see weakness, we start improving ourselves. We'll learn strategies to keep oneself safe as long as possible. Either through personal experiences or observation. Thus I would say, we could be considered capable of taking care of well being. But I realized one thing recently. What about taking care of others? We are so busy protecting ourselves from the pain inflicted on us. Did we ever think, that we have that same power over someone as well? Just as how others could hurt you quickly, you could hurt others as easy as it is.

You may have realized, those who can hurt you the most, are those who you see as the closest and dearest. They bring you to the highest high, but they could plunge you to the lowest low as well. Regardless of the intention, it is a fact that they could. But it just didn't cross our mind that often. That we have the same power over people who treasure us too. When I first realized I have hurt someone. Not just anybody, but one of the people whom I loved the most, it’s more devastating than me being hurt. It changed you. It’s not guilt or feeling sorry. It’s just pure pain in your heart. I guess this is why they say it's harder to forgive yourself. One day, the person will heal from the pain inflicted on them. But you might still be giving yourself a hard time.

I guess on the flip side, at least I learn to be responsible right now. I can’t take care of the everyone, but it is my responsibility, to look after my action and words. That's the least I can do.

If I were to start a blog, what shall it talk about?

Bill Gates has his own blog. I just found out last week. It’s really informative, at least for me. I picked one of the books he recommended for summer reading. It’s amusing. But it’s hard for me to continue as signs of a love story started appearing already. Maybe I’ll choose another book.

I started and closed countless blog ever since I joined the blog clan. It seems like I have an urge, to make everything in the blog coherent. Like a food or travelling blog. They seem to talk about the same thing, and I find it kind of soothing. Maybe it is a reflection of me. I wish I am less of a scattered brain, and focus on one thing. There you go Lavyne. Enlightenment.

But it’s okay. Even Bill Gates blogs about several things. I should be able to do so. I think I just found one thing I can blog about which is coherent throughout all the posts. Myself! There you go. The favorite and most difficult topic of all time. Ourselves. But it frustrates me though. Is my knowledge that limited, that all I could express is just my thought? Moreover would it matter though? My thoughts. Would it make a difference? Do people really have to know what I think? Or should I just keep them to myself?

Nahh. At least this is less weird than talking to myself out loud.

Goodbye, my love :)

ahh my fortress :) For another chapter is coming to an end, hereby I would like to conclude it.

for the past 2 and a half year, i truly learned a lot. Especially the last semester, I learned the most. not academically, but how to love. For the first time, I fall in love so deeply, and have someone fall in love to the same depth as me. the good times are short, but thank you Louis, for every single day I woke up and went to sleep with a smile. I truly remember how it felt, how expansive the heart could be, trying to contain all the happiness that you give me :) even though we have our good share of love, but some relationship are just not meant to work out. at least for now. I struggled, with the change. even though i braced myself, confidently assume I would be just fine when change comes. Turned out im just a human by the end of the day. But you know what, I couldnt be prouder of myself. I struggled, but I stood up stronger and more beautiful than ever.

you give me a chance to give. after heartbreaks and heartbreaks. to give with faith, to love without expectation. To listen, to understand. To let hurt pass, instead of dwelling on it, and create tension in between. I know you still care for me, you still want me in your life very very much. But I guess, this is the best time to say goodbye. For my sake, and yours :)

You let me know how it felt, to be loved as much as I love you. How important it is, to appreciate what we have at each moment, as it is fleeting. it is not constant. at least this is what I know now. but i can say I did try my best, to appreciate whatever I had at that moment. I remember tons and tons of moments. you might see this as my fault by the end of the day. see it as my feelings fade, thats why you don’t want to continue as well. I couldnt control your thoughts or feeling. but remember this, for everything i do, i do it for the sake of us. I do it for you, and for me too.

there are moments, which is just pure love. when we just gazed into each other eyes, when words are silenced, the world is silenced and dark. simply looking at the human being laying next to us, and thank god for this moment. for I am able to experience this in my lifetime. for i am able to experience this moment, with you.

if i have to list down every single great memories of ours, I could have publish a book. how amazing it is isnt it? that all these happened in just a few months time. I guess we really met each other at the right time and place. when both of us have less distraction and duties, we can solely focus on each other. we know, this is not permanent. life, obligation and duties will soon catch up with us. we failed, at that for now. But really, I am so thankful, that I have the priviledge, to afford such indulgence with you. to have days of fun. days of ultimate happiness. we dont have to do anything, but just be with each other. as much as we want to relive the past, we know it is impossible. so, what for looking back, desperately trying to reenact what we have? remember them, bury them in your heart. know that i truly loved you before, and you loved me the same too. pick yourself up, and move forward. the only way for life to bless you, is to keep on moving. Take care my dear, for things might seems the same from the outside, but this is goodbye, at least from me :) No matter what, you still have a friend in me.

My Kind of Love

Even if I can play the game, I don't want to

Even if I can win this, I don't want to be the winner

No matter how society shaped love, I can't ignore that raw intuition of mine

About how it should be.

Some might say I care too much

Because I care about you as a friend, and as a person,

I don't want to inflict anymore scar.

On yours, and on mine.

Past and reality gave us more than enough anyway.

Even if playing "hard to get" is THE way,

I still believe,

there would be player,

worthy for my kind of game.

I like you enough,

to not take this recklessly.

There's is a friendship between us,

A friendship I cherish.

Imagination could be my best friend,

Or my greatest enemy.

It might blind me, and drove me off the cliff,

But I am never afraid,

For the heart is always steadfast, and know what it wants.

If I honor it enough, to listen, to acknowledge,

I would still smile, even if this cause me tears in the end.

I am this strong, to not play by the rule of anyone else but mine.

I know myself enough, to risk pain, for this is worth it.

I am this confident, to know this will make me a more beautiful person,

regardless of how it ends.

I am this blessed, to see the genuine love, we are born with to share, with others.

For those wonderful memories

The say the best thing come unexpected.

But did that tell you, it comes with a feeling similar to being hit by a bus too? (not saying I experience that literally...)

Thats exactly how I felt, when we kissed.

This is the first time, that I felt something, from a kiss.

And I just had to write it down.

I guess alcohol and desire made me initiate the second time though :) I'm proud of myself for that.

It took me literally a whole week, to processed what happened that night. It feels so torturous, but I'm glad I have a whole week gap, before I see you again. And yeah! even though we did not talk about it, our current friendship is fine! Improved in some way I would even say so.

Nothing makes real sense right now, but I am enjoying every single part of it :)

I like how open we both are, even though I am not sure are we at the same page on how much that night matters to each of us.

I do felt more comfortable around you. Just as you said, we could just talk and get to really know that person. For those things I learned about you tonight, makes me grinned from ear to ear :) Plus side, I am a tiny bit gleeful too that you remember some of the thing I said before.

People tells me this is the best part of the whole process. I can't say much about it, because its not entirely honeymoon too. Guessing how he feel is just torturous and a waste of energy so if there's anyone doing it I suggest you just give up and let time show you.

When I link back the parts and pieces, only I realized, you have been there most of the time. For those part of memories which I will remember for a long time, you are there. Whenever I need comfort, you are there.

No matter what, I had a great night :) Regardless of everything, I am glad to have you, in my college time memories :)

Thank you.

The journey

This is the process. I experienced it, thus I am less afraid. It's a relieve to know, life goes on no matter what. This means, whatever that's bad, will be past eventually. But, you have to play an active part too. If you just wouldnt loosen that tight grip of yours on it, it can't go on even if it wants to. Don't worry, even though I'm always ranting in melancholy, there's still happy times in my days. I just hope, the responsibility of being strong and rational, doesn't come with a loneliness after taste. I wish, it is genuinely from the heart, that I am strong and open, no matter what. Just allow yourself to feel the sadness, joy, grief, anger and all sorts of emotion, that drifts through you.

One step. To the brink of life.

I guess, it is the nature of a giver, to mask up and go on with life. Not because we hate to share, but because we fear to burden. It is not natural, for a giver, to give sorrow instead of good. But maybe, just maybe, when we acknowledge ourselves as giver, it should solidify the fact even firmer, that we HAVE to give out our sorrow, loneliness, and dependency too.

Broke of Silence

People will disappoint you. No matter how close, how compatible, how intimate you think both of you are, that plunge on your heart will be inevitable. Numerous time, to add on. It's not up to them, whether you'll tighten your jaw, grip that blade with two hands, and pull it out with great strength and pain. That only puts you at their mercy. it's like making someone who's never fly a plane pilot. You own that plane. You know it best. You fly it.

I don't want to wake up, feeling there's another day of battle I need to go through. I want to wake up, excited about one more day of experience., given by God. I want to be happy, no matter what. And I know it can be done. I achieved that.

It baffles me, that I just get so tired nowadays. I did not feel like I'm straining myself. Definitely not overworked too. Maybe, trying to be 'okay' all the time, is that thing, that drains me out. It is the constant battle, that crumbled me, when the limit is reached. That is why, when alcohol run down any barriers, I resorted to child like expression of sadness and fear. Maybe thats the side I fear to reveal.

Don't, feel so distanced from me. I'm far from perfect, I'm not too far fetched. I'm just like you. Just learning how to let you see the "not okay" side. Just learning how to be not afraid of conflict.

What if its meant to have no one, understand that loneliness of yours? What if, it is that one thing, everybody has to learn to embrace themselves? Being okay with no one completely understand it?

Or what if, we all have that void beneath, thinking no one else has it but us. Spending time covering it, just to be seen like others, while it is that one common thing, we all share?

onlinecounsellingcollege

10 Things to Give Up

1. Trying to please, and be acceptable, to others 2. The fear of making a mistake 3. The fear of change 4. The fear of the future 5. Guilt or shame that’s tied to your past 6. Beating yourself up or putting yourself down 7. Over-thinking 8. Living by your feelings 9. The desire to get even with others 10. The tendency to procrastinate.

onlinecounsellingcollege

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Like a child

I wondered why, never understand why.

Why the deepest layer, is a foundation of that?

Scared, trembling, lost, just like a child.

Have I been strong for too long?

The thing is, I don't even know I'm "being" strong.

I'm learning though, to let go.

Of that sadness, of that hurt.

Of the fear.

what if, I reshuffle the layers of mine?

Let that deepest side, came up and see the light?

What would change, what would stay?

Would I be happier, would I become better?

Or there's nothing to be change, nothing to be hide?

Nothing to get rid off, only to embrace?

People

I really like how this semester turned out so far. It's totally different. I mean no two semesters are ever the same, but the difference is bigger this time. Besides the chance of doing new things so often, I get to meet people, who connect with the side of me people rarely know, or never known so far. This is something meaningful. I felt very much liberated. Through those conversation, it's clearer and clearer, at least what's not suitable for me. It's more of negation. Oh! Even if some of them are old friends, but its like getting to know a new person when the conversation goes further and further.

I always avoid describing someone as interesting. It's a comparison, and no one is boring. They are just relatively interesting to me. Now I'm being OCD with words. AND I MET TONS OF THOSE PEOPLE THESE DAYS! It's like everybody has a story to tell, another side of personality to shine. There are people who I always wanted to get to know more, and I got the chance. It just happened. Grateful should be the word to describe how I feel.

#original #people #friends

phillypu

Sometimes you just have to recharge.

—-

It’s not that I don’t want to be with friends and chill. I love doing that! But sometimes I just need to have some alone time too!

2ndhalfoflife-deactivated201712

an Introvert Infographic

trixalla

One of the best explanations, hands down.

savagewinters

lavynel-blog

HAHAHA IM AT STARBUCKS WTF

littlepeacefulrunner

How did Gary end up making a cameo on Emergency Couple?

What if cows gave root beer instead of milk?

I guess life is just too serious that I need to write about this kinda topic to loosen up (actually I just stumbled upon it from many writing prompts and I just HAVE to ponder upon it)

1. Root Beer's gonna be babies main source of nutrient for growth. Probably the best day of their life when they realized the existence of Root Beer Float.

2. There will be "Root Beer Formulae". Which is actually kinda cool! Imagine all the fizz and hiss when you mix the powder and water up.

3. Should it be served chilled or warm?

4. Those who knows me, I stopped drinking milk ever since I reach one year old. According to my mom I make the gagging sound whenever I'm near milk. =_=' very classy. SO, if cow gave root beer instead of milk, I would not have to stop drinking this wonderful source nutrient at such young age! I would be very disappointed with myself if Root Beer makes me feel sick in the stomach.

5. Would people still get diabetes from it if they drink it daily?

6. Feeding time's gonna be painful. Babies would have to stop after each SIP due to those fizz.

7. So Root Beer's gonna be the "good-for-you" stuff while milk's the "bad-for-you-but-oh-so-good" now?

8. Babies gonna smell like root beer instead of milky.

9. We gonna start our day with root beer and pancakes! Weeeeee!

10. So where are we getting our milk then? No seriously even though I don't drink milk, I need my cheese. So it's gonna be fermented root beer now?

After considering about all pros and cons, gingerly, I am still grateful towards cows for giving us milk instead of root beer. Mind you this mean something especially when it comes from someone who don't have any memory on how milk taste like.

Happy milk drinking everyone!

Fun Fact: July 15th is the Cow Appreciation Day. Remember to show those patches some love!

#cow #milk #rootbeer #tuesday night #mindstimulating #amused myself #istilllikemilk #eventhoughidontdrinkit

Glad to know my fear.

I like being call Lavyne, but my heart tugged, whenever someone call me "MASA president." Go ahead and say "u ungrateful brat" for making this position seems so undesirable. It's an honor, but I resist being defined by the traits people imply on the position.

I can be tough and decisive when it is needed, but it dreads me if that's all people sees in me. I want people to know me as someone more than the position. I don't want to seems all formal and serious. I want to be that carefree, easy going friend. I am afraid that this position would make me seem less feminine, and more of a figure whom people are intimidated.

But you know what, it is myself, who needs reminder the most. As long as I know who I am truly, I should give others the freedom to perceive me how they desire. Since personal and external perspective will never be identical.

Besides, this position gave me a chance to realized, that I am able to be strong, and feminine at the same time. I am more of a woman that I ever was before. Even if no one else notice, I know and that should be all that matters.

I hate it because there's fear. Fear never do me good, and I can see it's only leading me more and more astray from my ideal self. Plus, I'll take Emma Watson as an example She has been labeled as the Harry Potter girl until now. I don't see it bothering her. She just accept gracefully. That's really motivating.

#feminism #stay true #courage #strong

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