learning2loveimperfection

My recovery story. Kally Hacker. 21.

[learning2loveimperfection-blog]

NEDA week is coming up in just 2 weeks and it's making me feel extremely grateful for 2 years in recovery 💙💚 (at National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA))

[dailybibleverse365]

Joshua 1:9

[classyandcarefree]

[learning2loveimperfection-blog]

Kangaroo Kal (at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo)

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Get rooted (at Yoga Roots)

[the-healthy-wife-blog]

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Questioning My Recovery . . .

Why is there such a thing as feeling you recovered “too fast”? Why is it such a shitty thing to have the voice in your head tell you you did something wrong, even though you rationally know you did things right?

I know it’s crazy to panic over the fact that I am healthy but it makes me question my sanity. Since sharing my story I’ve been told that I’m the “exception,” that most anorexics don’t recover as quickly and as wholly as I have. I’m not saying I want to go back to the place that I was in before but it makes me wonder why. It makes me feel like I didn’t have an eating disorder and that I’m a fraud for claiming that I did. It makes me feel guilty for getting better, or guilty for ever thinking I was sick? I don’t even know what it makes me feel guilty for but it does, and it feels gross. 

What if the advice and support I want to give people is all wrong because I wasn’t ever really sick? Or what if it’s the complete opposite and I’m still in a honeymoon phase and bound to relapse?? 

[learning2loveimperfection-blog]

Last night I was asked to be a speaker for the Emily Program's recovery night. I was able to share my story of recovery to remind others that recovering from an eating disorder is possible. It was an incredible honor and it reminded me why I fight every single day for myself and for others. (at Cleveland, Ohio)

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It's painfully vulnerable having my struggles scared on my body, but I finally got the guts to have a stranger tattoo on some of mine today. It's nice to have a constant reminder that my past does not have to define my future🌼 (at Focused Tattoo Studio)

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Mostly just wishing we could stay together forever 🌼 so blessed I met such amazing friends my first months of treatment, and even more blessed we were able to reunite almost two years later... FREE AND BEAUTIFUL!!!! (at Saint Paul, Minnesota)

[learning2loveimperfection-blog]

I remember last year wishing on a dandelion that one day I'd be healthy. I was at my rock bottom, in a wheelchair on fall risk with no faith it would come true. It just didn't seem like healthy was possible for me. But today I saw this little guy and realized that my wish had actually come true. The school year is finishing, I'm cheering for my favorite team, I've gained weight.. AND I LOVE EVERY PART OF IT🌾 #recoveryispossible #sosappy

[learning2loveimperfection-blog]

Depression Update

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post, in some ways it makes me feel like I’m backtracking but my depression is here and I need to process it, even though I have no idea where to begin. 

Saturday night I etched “FAT” and “WHY” into my skin, using a coping “technique” I had been clean from for 89 days. I’m so frustrated with myself for not reaching out and going ahead with something I knew was wrong, but even more than that I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of the “weakness” that is literally written on my sleeve. It sucks to have such a battle going on in your head that not only is unescapable but is also something you feel like you need to hide from everybody. 

I know that I am broken, and other people do too, but sometimes I just want to pretend that I’m not for a bit. So now I have to work even harder to cover up my scars, mentally and now physically. 

I just hope I’ll eventually learn to deal with my depression better, and one day self-harm will just be a temporary scar I had in the past. I need to get stronger. 

[beetlestothestars]

I haven’t weighed myself in a few months but I am pretty sure my weight has been super stable (like within 5lbs) and I have probably been eating at least 500-1000cal more per day now than I did a couple months ago (also dessert every single day at least once lol). THIS is how I know that my body is happy where it wants to be. No matter what I eat, it pretty much stays in the same place. 

So to all of you that are “maintaining” your weight but still gaining whenever you eat a little more than usual, you are *probably* not at your healthy maintenance weight yet. You will know that you are a healthy weight when you can eat pretty much whenever (like a 1000cal DQ blizzard one day) and still stay at about the same place. And on the other side, it will also probably be hard for you to LOSE weight when you are at a healthy and stable because your body will fight for you to stay there. 

[learning2loveimperfection-blog]

So perfectly true, it’s crazy what happens when you let your body be.

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Only thing better than turning 21 is turning 21 with your best friend💖👭 (at The Hawthorn Bottle Shop & Tasting Room)

[observando]

[positive-affirmation]

note to self

[save-me-skinny-love]

Ill do EVERYONE.