growing still.

It’s all so much.

[xanswerxthatx]

this is probably a huge ask and we doubt it'll get much traction and that's fine. this is for lyra so worth taking a risk, putting ourselves out there, and straight up asking for money and financial help because there's not much i will not do for lyra's well being. so here it is. we need to restock some of lyra's meds and supplements. (we were able to get help with her prescription food and are so incredibly grateful.) we don't expect to get the full help with all of this. but getting help with it would help us free up funds to hopefully get her the vet care she needs which is my real goal. i added up refills of ALL of her regular supplements and medicines (not counting her ouchy medicine which we need vet stuff done for them to refill). it's 463$ after tax. that's not an autoship discount so would probably be slightly less with the chewy autoship discount. yes aware this is an insane amount of money to ask for help with, especially after already asking elsewhere for help with the prescription food (130$ for a bag that lasts us 6 weeks) but yea. i dont want to have to rehome lyra. i'm trying to sort out job stuff but it's gonna take a few weeks to figure things out and get paychecks again. my credit card is maxed out. my savings are gone. we have paypal and zelle or you could even send us chewy gift cards. we would be happy to share our info on request. we would not ask for help with this lightly knowing how many people are struggling right now. but lyra is the most important thing in my life, and she deserves to have her needs met. i am not exaggerating when i say that having to rehome her would likely kill me. if theres any way anyone can help with any amount of this we would be so beyond grateful, and it would quite literally buy us some time to figure some stuff out. and not need to rehome her. any help we do get we will use to prioritize her most important meds and supplements. bad at words. but yea. lyra does not deserve to be not properly cared for. she deserves the best and she is the best and i love her so much. and i did not expect ten years into being with her to be in the position to be struggling so much financially, or to have our financial support that we have always relied on for her needs to just up and stop helping us. here she is

[learningwholeness]

I hate capitalism for so many reasons, but a big one currently is that I almost died and was hospitalized for the first week of the year due to a doctor’s mistake, went back to work for a single day before a snow storm hit, and then was hospitalized again over the weekend for complications following the first stay. I won’t be able to afford bills or groceries this month. I can’t afford gas. Not to mention, I’m back at work IMMEDIATELY despite the fact that I am so physically unwell and in pain that I am not sleeping.

I already don’t get PTO or sick pay. My boss only has two employees and I can’t really afford to take more time off or put my coworker in that position. However, my mental health is in the gutter and I need so much support and help that is inaccessible to me for reasons outside of my control. I can’t afford to quit my job. My job is also making me want to quit life. I don’t know how to cope with this medical trauma and the long term effects of the botched procedure. I am too tired to do anything I enjoy. I will just keep going to my physically demanding job, I guess.

[learningwholeness]

I’m suffocating under all of this grief and homesickness and I don’t even know which iteration of myself that I’m aching for.

It’s so heavy, and I don’t think it’s ever going to go away.

[dr4gme]

[learningwholeness]

I love my job so much. I really do.

AND something that has never gotten easier for me to handle is child-on-child sexual contact. Even if they are adolescents and both claimed to consent. I get so angsty every time and have to pass it along to someone else.

[drogonqueen]

Mary Oliver, “From the Book of Time”

Maggie Stiefvater, “Blue Lily, Lily Blue”

Sylvia Plath, “The Bell Jar”

Walt Whitman, “Leaves of Grass”

[learningwholeness]

Omg why was this np so against you?? I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now.

Okay this is literally ridiculous, and I have been told by several other staff members from McCallum that it was insane.

She was angry because I didn’t want to go off of my Effexor cold turkey and switch to zyprexa. I even agreed to do genetic testing that showed zyprexa would be a bad medication choice for me, but she would not back down.

In addition, she flat out told me in front of my entire treatment team that my medications were only a placebo effect and that I am addicted to benzodiazepines. This was immediately following a conversation where the nursing director and my therapist were trying to convince me to continue taking my klonopin because I kept refusing to BECAUSE I am afraid of becoming dependent.

[learningwholeness]

Update:

These past few months have been a disaster. After one month with an NG tube and very little progress because I was so physically sick, McCallum discharged me so that I could admit to the hospital. They had it written on paper that I would be readmitting immediately following a hospital discharge, and they worked closely with the hospital.

While in the hospital, I was diagnosed as “failure to thrive” and as having “severe malnutrition”. After an endoscopy, they did a gastric emptying study which showed severe gastroparesis. It was decided by a team of GI doctors to place an NJ tube, which bypasses the stomach, in order to go through refeeding. After more testing, it was determined that the gastroparesis has nothing to do with my eating disorder history and will likely be permanent.

I was discharged from the hospital after 8 days, and it took two weeks for McCallum to tell me that I was not allowed back per their psychiatric nurse practitioner. Her decision was completely unsupported by every other member of administration, but because it was unanimous I was unable to return. At this point, I was 100% reliant on tube feeds and trying to manage everything on my own.

From the first week of August to mid-September, I was in the ER 1-3 times a week due to nausea and vomiting causing my NJ tube to come out of place. I got very good at placing them on myself, and I knew every single ER nurse and most residents by name. After a second trip less than 36 hours after the first one, I was admitted in order to look at other options.

During this admission, it was decided that I would be having a GJ tube (a permanent, surgical tube) placed. This choice was not easy, but the decision was made with the hope that I would have fewer issues with the tube coming out of place. It has been almost two weeks since I had that surgery, and so far recovery is going well! It was incredibly painful, and I would rank it as probably the most pain I’ve ever experienced. I spent the first 24 hours on opioids around the clock or I would be shaking and dry heaving. I went home about 4 days later. I am very grateful to be home, and I have not had any ER trips in almost 2 weeks! That is exciting, and I definitely feel that I have some of my independence back.

Last week, the nurse practitioner from McCallum stepped down due to the repercussions she faced after her unethical handling of my case. It was recommended that I pursue a medical malpractice suit, but I do not plan on that as of right now. I completed a new assessment for the program because my brain is really struggling, and I need to gain weight. I am hoping to hear back today or tomorrow on an admissions decision because this life is not sustainable.

Overall, things have been messy and hell-ish. My mood is low, and I’m so sick of not feeling like myself. However, I really just want my life back, and I am trying so hard.

[heavyweightheart]

also really, really important to note that we can’t usually diagnose an autoimmune disorder–especially related to autonomic issues or chronic fatigue–when an active eating disorder is present. exhaustion, weakness, fainting, dizziness, orthostatic hypotension, and many more symptoms are very often eating disorder symptoms. i’ve seen lots of folks get dx’d with POTS or CFS or autoimmune hypothyroidism (not even getting into digestive disorders) when they had eating disorders and it’s those that should’ve been the primary area of focus, but horrifyingly few doctors ever screen for EDs, despite the fact that they’re statistically more likely to be the issue than an autoimmune disorder

[learningwholeness]

Today we’re going to start trying ng tube feeds. I’m not hype. I’m not feeling it. I’m so goddamn embarrassed and it’s humiliating.

It’s not because I’m failing, though. It’s because my body won’t cooperate and GI doctors haven’t taken me seriously this past year.

[spotlessmy-deactivated20210523]

this was a great read. “Laziness Does Not Exist” by Devon Price

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Can I just say: if you’re “curious” about something diet/food/body/weight related and you have a history of eating disorders (or disordered eating or body dysmorphia or OCD), DO NOT do the thing. Don’t add up how many calories you ate today just because you’re “curious.” Don’t measure yourself, don’t look up some celebrity’s measurements, don’t look into macros or keto or BMI charts or ANYTHING else like that. That stuff is absolutely TOXIC and even giving in one time can turn into a habit. So please, if you care about yourself and you want to recover or just don’t want to get worse, IGNORE THE URGE!!

[courtney-climbing-out-deactivat]

Oof. Also goes for looking at peoples accounts who you know are struggling or googling treatment centers your friends are at. You’re not just curious.

[writingsforwinter]

“They say “Hurt people hurt people” but really, hurt MEN hurt people. Hurt women most often hurt themselves.”

— Julie LaLonde (via writingsforwinter)

[learningwholeness]

This pandemic is bad, and being essential personnel sucks right now. I’m working double what I was before and putting myself at risk daily, plus I am beyond exhausted.

I need to see my treatment team in person very badly. It’s easier to talk around things or not tell the whole truth or use behaviors when the session is over the phone. I have no “safe space” to process trauma right now, and my grandma’s death is hitting me so hard.

I also just want to quit therapy so I can die or just relapse hard.

Body image and food are very hard. It’s all very hard, and I’m in a headspace of wanting to push it as far as it all can go. I know I really don’t want the consequences of that, so I have to keep fact checking myself.

The stay in the hospital hurt more than it helped. I just felt trapped and so I shut down and got myself out of there in by the 19th (the stay was middle of the night Monday through early Thursday morning). I’m frustrated because that just reminded me of why I don’t tell anyone anything, and it feels like I came out worse than I went in. They paid no attention to ED or SH behaviors, so it all just felt pointless. However, it gave me MAJOR appreciation of the staff at the treatment centers. They genuinely cared, and the staff at this place didn’t give a shit.

[learningwholeness]

I’m checking myself into the hospital on Tuesday for a medication adjustment. I’m not thrilled but good grief I need something more.

[learningwholeness]

We really love lots of bleeding and abdominal pain. We really really love it when that ends in like three pelvic exams and a transvaginal ultrasound.

It’s not like this sends me into a panic or anything.

Update: I’ve been at the ER for like five hours. I have to pee so badly. I’m in so much pain and I’m so nauseous. I haven’t seen a doctor since getting here.

Update 24 hours later: I’m now sitting at the gyno and my appointment was 30 minutes ago haha haha this is my favorite.

[learningwholeness]

It feels like everyone on my team is on a different wavelength and no one is communicating or listening to me fully. Therapist #1 told me today that I’m in the final stages of recovery and should start intuitive eating. Therapist #2 and I discussed yesterday about how I’m constantly living in crisis mode. My dietitian is just riding my ass about decreasing purging and following some semblance of structured eating.

I don’t think any of them understand that I would give anything to die and not live in a body anymore. I just want to lose weight more than anything.