toutes ces pièces

Here is where I get personal. All these pieces of me thrown across a page. Letting out the jumbled thoughts that no one seems to pertain. Let me vent. Let me breath. Letting it go & trying to speak the truth and find the roots as to why I see life the...

[imthefuckinginfluence]

Somewhere down the journey of life… I’ve melted, softened, molded into a new me… re harden and came out a little cracked from the process.

[lease-onlife]

January2018

Crazy how in a matter of minutes your bliss can be shatter by the reality of lies and deceit.

Don't let it bring you down.

Hold on to the happy moments.

[lease-onlife]

You know what sucks

Needing someone to open up to and not trusting anyone you know enough to call and be vulnerable with.

[lease-onlife]

One of my biggest faults is assuming that people can read between the lines with me...

That they may find the hidden message Dig a little deeper Push a little further && not give up even when I keep insisting things are going okay

[lease-onlife]

9.beginning.16

&& it's so scary lately how low I get. I'm so deep and buried in these ever changing feelings that I'm starting to worry myself. Everyone thinks I'm fine and nonchalant but really I'm trembling because I don't see a way up. I never realized that I could be a person who has lows because I've always brushed it off. That's getting significantly harder and harder to do once I'm alone. I can play it off so well when interacting with people but I scare myself when I'm alone. It's crazy I never loved getting close to people and opening up. I relished in the thought of having alone time and enjoying my own silence. That's no longer comforting for me. I'm just going through the motions praying and celebrating small victories and miracles. There's no will left in me. No motivation. No more optimism. All hurricanes and storm clouds. Sinking way too fast now

[lease-onlife]

8.31.16

&& people keep trying to give me words of wisdom but deep inside I'm screaming because the threads are coming apart faster & faster now.

[lease-onlife]

8.20something.16

&& it's crazy that no one can see that I'm drowning. I can't breathe... The struggle to keep my head above water becomes more and more intense. Every part of me is aching. The fact that no one seems to notice or care is what makes me rationalize that maybe things aren't so bad. After all... I have no one to blame but myself for this.

[asvpxosas]

A$VP YAM$ X TRIBUTE X ALIFE

[lease-onlife]

& lately I’m just really sad.

[lease-onlife]

Everything ain’t for everybody.

[lease-onlife]

RIP to my lady bits. 

[honey-cove]

iii. I don’t get to come back from this. 
I never get to be the person I was before I met you. 
(Or didn’t meet you)
 There are some things you never get to be again.

excerpt from “Observations After The Fact” Trista Mateer (via honey-cove)

[lease-onlife]

[lease-onlife]

1.13.16

Last night I looked back on the letter I wrote to ghost and instead of making me sad or depressed, I actually laughed. I still can’t believe that I let myself be played for a fool, but I’m glad I didn’t let it bring me down. 

With the way my life is right now I just shrug everything off because I can’t let it get me down. I love that the person I was born and raised to be can’t seem to stay down for too long. If I were to give in, there would potentially no coming back. I won’t let the hard times get me down. I just have to take a step back and realize that I’m only in my 20s I can’t be afraid to feel forever...

I’m learning to let go and live and not be so guarded. Before ghost, I never gave in... When I let my guard down I got hurt, and it almost put all those walls back up, higher and stronger than ever. I’m glad that I realized that although it may nor always feel like it, the pain is bearable and life will go on. Although the scars may never go away, they will heal and I will be able to rise above it all. 

Live and let go... that’s what I have to tell myself.

[lease-onlife]

11.30.15

I’m not regretting doing what we did but I am regretting the aftermath of it all. Now you have an effect on me that I’ve been successfully avoiding since the day I met you. I’m mad at myself because I’m afraid that if I’m honest with you, I’ll end up losing in the end. I like what we were. Can we just get back to normal?

[lease-onlife]

11.30.15

“I would be fine if you’d only text me back and explain.” 

[lease-onlife]

11.14.15

I’m trying to find love and happiness in the places I never looked before. Lately that’s been with my family, but I’m learning that the hardest part is finding it within myself. 

I’m battling some internalized demons and my family is unaware, but talking to them is helping me escape my feelings of suffocation and drowning. 

Hopefully this all passes soon.