Currently
5 years ago I fell in love with someone, not immediately, but over time. We were both broken in our own ways but we made it work. He dealt with a lot of self esteem issues from me, an I dealt with a lot of walls with him. It was worth it.
A little over a week ago it ended.
In our time together I regret one thing. I wasn’t honest with him when it came to one thing he did often. I never felt good enough for him, told him frequently how lucky I felt to have him. He would work on building me up. However, he had a habit of flirting, a lot. Don’t worry babygirl, I love and want only you. It didn’t matter,in those moments my self esteem fell to levels lower than where they started.
He, in dealing with his issues had another habit. He would find a sore spot in someone and just pick and pick at it. He pushed a lot of people away like this. I sometimes wondered if it was on purpose, or subconsciously. If he did it for some sick type of entertainment or just to have someone else feel how his lows felt.
So, on the night it ended, he sent me a message. It didn’t seem to fit with anything from the previous weeks of contact. I wanted to talk. He agreed he would. As the night went on, my self esteem issues grew. He had his problem, but still loved me, or at least that was what he said. Yet he was spending all of his time with a new woman. I lashed out. I don’t even remember what I said or did. Just that I was hurt and angry, and it didn’t even register with him.
I have had a rough week. A roller coaster of emotions. I have screamed at him, words that’s he will never hear, about how he could put me through this until I was hoarse. I have cried til my eyes are red and puffy more times than I can count. I have slept no more than a couple hours each night, waking with an aching in my chest that won’t go away. I am barely eating, no appetite, and the food just has no flavor. Anhedonia is where I am, I can find no joy in anything.
I spend hours walking each day, going over everything, trying to make sense of it. To figure out what I did to deserve this. I want to understand, but my mind goes everywhere. His issue, is there something wrong with him? Have I lashed out when he needed me most? Or did he move on with the new woman. Does he care about how broken I am? Did he ever care? Did he find my sore spot and needle it for kicks for 5 years?
I see him, and it’s all of this at once, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I try to be tough, take that fuck him attitude. It isn’t working. I’m a puddle inside. I want to talk to him, but I don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t think he gets it, how much he meant to me. He was my best friend before all the rest, and I lost that.
I don’t know what else to say.
