[leavemealonetomusic]

Why are you sad, my love?

Why did I come home to you karaoking your heart out to Adele, lingering of alcohol on a Monday afternoon?

Why did I join you? Our home filled with sadness for those moments… we danced, sang, and down soju bottles together.

As the world started to spin, I held you as you sobbed.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard you cried as hard before.

[leavemealonetomusic]

The sky was filled with beautiful bright stars on the way back home… I never get to see these many stars in the city. Looking at them reminded me how much I used to love looking at the night sky. And there it was, in the corner of my window shining… I can see the moon.

Even as the stars started to disappear and the dark clouds, creeping in… once more, up high in-between the clouds, the moon shows itself shining oh so brightly.

All the way home… I watched it as it slowly disappeared.

[leavemealonetomusic]

2026 Fourth of July in Davis, 250th anniversary.

The fireworks were spectacular. 15 minutes of magic. I haven’t seen fireworks up close with such a clear sky. One by one as each flashed up, wow, beautiful.

My partner enjoyed it, though she asked me again if I was good afterwards. Short and simple, she guessed where I was at… though I know it doesn’t feel great to hear. I told her that certain person mattered to me.

We moved on, and she lightened the mood by saying we don’t have to go to Davis. We can go somewhere else next time.

Being here in Davis has brought up some unexpected memories from a long time ago. I am more emotional than I expected. It's not about wanting to be somewhere else. I’ve been having a harder time than I anticipated this weekend.

It was either Davis or Sacramento for the fireworks. Hahaha, either way, I would have felt the same. It was a good time coming up to celebrate with everyone, I do love the fireworks… the night sky was refreshing.

[leavemealonetomusic]

My partner mentioned how I look sad. I said, it’s this place. She said, “Costco?” Haha I laughed and said no.

She tried to comfort me by patting my back, “Davis?” Tears I was trying to hold back, came slowly running down.

I smiled and replied, “imagine crying in the happiness place” wiped my tears and continued on.

Because that’s all there’s left to do, nothing to say… only an understanding.

[leavemealonetomusic]

It’s my son birthday, 11 years. It’s been 11 years… insane how much time has passed.

I want for 10 more haha, I’m greedy. His face is turning all white and shit. He’s strong as shit though. Catching zzz’s like no tomorrow. He surprises me whenever he gets a burst of energy and hops around.

Man, he’s fast af. I still like to think he is, a little chubby but we’re lose that together.

Happy Birthday Rocky, my little boy.

[leavemealonetomusic]

I haven’t changed, not really, I don’t even think a little bit haha. I say shit out of my ass, I cry like a baby, I regret the words I’ve said. God, I have so much regret… but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Just live with the consequences of my actions, be a better fucken person.

Just… love my person, be kinder, don’t say bullshit I don’t mean.

(Edit) I am all of the above yes, stubborn. The Fourth of July weekend brought everything back into focus. It reminded me of the pain my actions caused, and it would be irresponsible to say I haven't changed.

If I didn’t change, I’m allowing the harm to mean nothing.

If I didn’t change, I’m failing to own the consequences of my actions.

I have changed. We all do, every day, every season, and every year. All we do is change… growing into the people we are meant to be.

[leavemealonetomusic]

I look at all the shit we buy together, and I get angry. I’m always angry. I know it makes you happy, so we buy it. Then I regret it because there’s no room. There’s no room anywhere, I’m constantly reorganizing this place to make sure it’s livable for all of us. It’s hard to be happy and excited about a package because I’m like… great. How long will that box just sit there before you touch it. Or, awesome, do you know where to put it? Nah. Usually it ends up with me throwing it somewhere and you asking where it is one day, and I don’t remember.

We brought an ice machine, takes up another counter space. Now the rice cooker is on the floor lol. What the fuck is going on around here. Why is everything SO PACKED from the closet, to the fridge, freezer, our room.

Why the fuck do we need all this shit. Does this actually make us happy, because I’m overstimulated- thinking about this shit.

I feel like I’m being a little bitch. Always a little bitch. No one else is complaining. No one else is as angry as me. What’s my damn problem 100% of the time.

From time to time… I think about the life I’m living. Who I’m spending it with… how I feel about all of it. The commitment.

I don’t recall the last time I felt…

Some days, I rather stare at the ceiling than say anything. I feel like I talk too much too.

[leavemealonetomusic]

The frustration I feel always ends up at the same spot. And like a loop, we keep trying- “because we’re a team, we’re trying”

Nothing changes, and this is the loop I chose. I wanted this for myself… all the good, and all the shit fuck I have to deal with, alone.

If not alone, then a shit ton of- are you gonna say anything? Then I get blame for not being a team player or some shit, nah, yall decide.

I made the decisions because no one would say anything for days. DAYS.

And UP AND OUT, yeah, take over, override the choices I made and were agreed upon. I don’t give a shit.

[leavemealonetomusic]

“What do you think about that, how do you feel about that, add anything else, what’s your thoughts on that? What should we do?” 2X by the way because all the reply is HUH? … -silent-

Bro. Maybe I’m overthinking and stressed but talking to you is exhausting. Wait wait wait for your reply, one day I want to just shut the fuck up, and let you handle it all.

Let all you handle it, I try to help, try to communicate, and really, emotionally I’m tired talking.

[leavemealonetomusic]

I look back at my posts and wonder haha am I ever okay? And I am, I am okay. There are just moments where I feel crazier than the average day. I complain and complain but truthfully I probably wouldn’t change anything.

I got two dogs. My all-in nugget. Lovely sister.

I’m learning… very fucken slowly to not get overly emotional when small shit happens. Like now where coming how, I have to wipe the doggies paw. Reach for the baby wipe to find it empty. Immediately throws it onto the floor and mentally start cursing at everyone who lives here HAHAHA.

When honestly, all I need to do is be like oh shit, go to the bathroom like 10 steps away and grab a new one.

I mean I had to pick it back up from the ground, nice. Throw it away, grab new one, and release the doggies. No. No I didn’t wipe their paws, I’m petty.

Like I said, I’m learning, and I want to be lazy too.

I deleted a paragraph and my phone won’t undo HAHAHA. Shit welp I think too much for my own good.

[leavemealonetomusic]

You say I quit too soon. I say hope runs out when nothing changes.

[leavemealonetomusic]

Am I mad at the situation or am I mad at the motherfuckers? Why am I always yelling.

[leavemealonetomusic]

Waiting for you, you would have been late in my books. And I forgive you, every time, like a fool. I learn to keep my mouth shut to keep whatever peace this is.

[leavemealonetomusic]

You cannot reason with unreasonable.

[leavemealonetomusic]

Truly, I fucken hate talking to others. Shit I wanna talk about, no one wants to talk with me or comfort me. I know my gf already did, just makes me wanna say fuck you guys. Thanks for not saying anything. Surrounded by surface level assfuckers, can’t share anything deep. Yeah, I get that I always bring up the same complains. I don’t know. I’m tired of feeling like it’s better to stay silent. I don’t wanna say shit anymore.

[leavemealonetomusic]

‘Is it something worth dying over?’ I asked myself as I search the web to comfort how I’m feeling. Maybe I’m better off sad and depressed than happy. I want such a clear image of laughter and smiles.

In the sea of rice water, there was a moment after our disagreement where the color changed and water rushed beautifully that I wish I had someone to share that with. Instead, staying in that spot feeling a similar change, I once more wished for death.

I thought, I should be happy right now. Maybe enjoying the moment. Caught myself walking away from the group and walking alone through the huge balls. Peace. I wanted nothing more than to be with them, capture our happiness.

Instead, I fell into the same pattern. Disappointed, and detached. I wonder if life is better this way, than to wish for something more.

[leavemealonetomusic]

Whenever I express how I feel, I’m complaining. Every day on this vacation, I’m in pain after 12k steps, walking and standing without any breaks. No it doesn’t help to pace back and fourth, no it doesn’t help to stand still… fuck, it doesn’t even help to sit down and rest for a bit. My feet are screaming- just a little longer, just a little longer and I can lay down.

You side-eye me whenever I mention my pain. You and my family brush it off because we’re all standing the same amount. I’m heavier now, I’m not skinny anymore. I barely walk or stand as much as you all.

All I asked you for was an extra pillow. You helped me adjusted, and I said hey!

‘Stop being a baby’

I don’t know man, that shouldn’t have made me tear up but it did. It made me tell you to go away from me. I need to stop asking you for help.

Fuck, my feet are ringing.