My Journey away from Anorexia

*Triggering Content* This blog is a place for me to vent and talk about life with anorexia, depression and PTSD, that I hope one day I will soon recover from. Currently in residential and struggling so please read with caution.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

20.04.26

I struggle with the concept of saying I have anorexia, as by saying that I would be agreeing that I'm an unhealthily low weight and I don't believe I am. I don't think it affects me physically (that much) and I certainly don't see myself as even slightly underweight. BUT, I also realise I'm still mentally fragile, never far from a spiral, as my mind remains consumed by numbers, routines and behaviours. It may not be like it was, but I know deep down I'm never far from it.

In my eyes, gaining further weight would not only make everything worse, but it would make what I'm avoiding so much more intense and harder to manage. It always has done. At the same time, I feel like I'm losing myself and forcing everyone to watch in the process.

If I'm coming across as someone stuck in a victim role, it's nothing compared to what it would be if I let my guard down completely.

I don't want anyone to have to see what destroyed me.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

15/01/26

If you saw what I see every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I wonder if you too would be repulsed, not know where to look... or even worse, laugh? I wonder if you would see the fear, shame and guilt etched so icy it paralyses to the core.

I wish so much I could say all of what happened, but I'm terrified of the repercussions. I know if I don't talk through it, it's likely I'll never move forwards and continue to be stuck in the same loop as before. Only, I worry you will see me in the same way, that I deserved it, it wasn't even that bad and/ or wonder (as I do) why on earth I'm not over it by now.

I can say some of the things that happened, but other things burn so deeply, I can't shift the shame that seems to have engulfed me. Usually, I focus on numbers... Down, down, down and maybe one day I'll disappear entirely. Until then, I'm stuck in this no mans land.

All too often I think of what it would be like if I could wipe my entire existence without it affecting anyone. I don’t mean it in a way of self-pity, neither do I mean it in a way that I’m a threat to myself. I've just become exhausted and wonder if this tightrope of a nightmare will ever end.

Will there be a day where each bite doesn't feel like complete and utter torture or will it always be this way? Will ice cream ever be just ice cream?

I have moments of clarity and times where I try to think of a (much better) future, but I can't quite visualise it. I know logically that if I want to make the most of being here and have a chance to move forwards to live a life worth living, that I need to follow the advice and no one here has a reason to lie to me. Only, spending so many years of doing things in such a different way, even the thought of it is terrifying.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

24.11.25

Time is going so quickly, yet I feel like I'm not seeing any progress at all. I follow the meal plan the dietitian sets and force myself through each day. Only, I don't feel better and I'm starting to wonder if I ever will.

I like this placement, but I worry I'm too far gone, too stuck, but mostly, I'm terrified of remembering everything else becoming like it was. Each meal is becoming almost tolerable, but ofc there are at times I want to break down, and stop.

Currently, I'm back driving, I started horse riding again last week and have seen my dad twice since coming. BUT, I'm also arguing with the dietitian over what approach will be most beneficial. She doesn't believe in discussing calories, I do. I understand she wants to help me move on and maybe that approach usually helps other people she works with, but it doesn't work with me. I've been counting calories since I was 13 years old, that's nearly 20 years!

I've been working so hard to get myself to have everything she wants me to, stay as sedentary as possible, but this is getting too much and I don't think she realises that if she keeps pushing, I'll spiral. I don't want to, I'm trying my hardest not to, but too much pressure (especially around food) and I crumble.

Today, I got diagnosed with hypermobility ehlers danlos syndrome. Another label to add to the growing collection... Of course it's hardly wanted, but a lot of things now make sense. My GP has been great about it. She's referred me to physio and we're looking into whether I can get a blue badge. Some days I'm not too bad, the pain is manageable, but other days, I can barely get to the bathroom without being in excruciating pain and spend the days in bed. I try super hard not let it show, but it doesn't take it away. I guess combined with ME and fibromyalgia it's hardly surprising.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

09/10/25

It's been a while since I wrote and things have changed so much in such a short space of time. For a very nice change, it's for the better, on the most part anyway.

It's been a week since I arrived at the placement. While I was extremely relieved to leave the confines of the ward, saying goodbye to a special few wasn't easy. On Tuesday last week, I took the ward manager out for a coffee at Costa. She never goes to the local town (especially walking there!) but we went together anyway and it was so lovely to spend time with her. The following day, I took her by her hand (as she so often did with me) and went to my room so I could her a leaving a card/ gifts.

We both ended up teary and she said she couldn't wait to read the book I gave her to her grandchildren. It's one of my favourites as an adult but suitable for any age with beautiful messages (The boy, the mole, the fox and horse by Charlie Mackesy). She was also super excited to fill the photo album with photos of her grandchildren.

I found out later she was debating about taking this week off. Apparently, my gift persuaded her to do so in order to spend time with her family as it gave her things to do with them without having to run around after them. I'm glad I could help as she more than deserves a break!

I also made my therapist and a couple of other staff cry. Sometimes you don't realise the impact you have on others, but I definitely realised when I left. As I walked that corridor as usual with the ward manager holding my hand, this time it was me who said goodbye and went through the door. This time I had a home.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

21/08/25

I hate this limbo, the uncertainty and the fear of not knowing where I'll end up or when I'll finally be allowed to leave.

The placement remains with a big question mark. They wanted me to ideally be 3.5kgs more (that's their current minimum), but that was never realistic, so they compromised and said to gain a minimum 2kgs and they'd accept me instead. Only, even that feels too much.

I asked for an increase this week, came up with an appropriate recipe and cooked. I've even gained 1kg so far. I know it's not enough for them, but my mind is already spinning in fear. I feel threatened, vulnerable and afraid. Just like before. It's not just the fear of weight gain or the difference the weight gain does to my body, it's the fact it brings back so much from before.

I wish the placement understood that it's not because I'm not ready or that they aren't the right placement for me.

The staff here are even on my side. They see how hard I'm trying, but they also see the battle and how the trauma continues to affect me. The ward manager, my therapist and a couple of HCAs all would rather they stayed at my previous target. They realise by pushing me further could be what sets me back into a spiral. Mentally, I remain pretty fragile. Triggers come all too often, I struggle not to shut down and the nightmares pull me back completely.

Sadly, it's not them who have the final say, it's the placement, as they are the ones who have the decision as to whether or not they take me. The placement could potentially offer everything I need to learn how to manage my ED, depression and depression to maybe even be able to live a life worth living. Everyone who knows me feels it's what I need, I wish they could see that. I'm just asking for a chance.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

26/07/25

Yet another glimmer seems to be quickly fizzling out into nothing.

I've been keeping quiet about a potential placement for a few weeks now which was found by my last consultant (she left last week). Somehow, she got me an assessment with their psychiatrist 2 weeks previously and it all seemed so positive. I say that because their age limit had been 25 (I'm 32), but they're starting to take people who are older.

It's an ED placement but they also support those with other mental health issues, which is just what I need. The only issue was it's nearly 3 hours away from my family and friends. I was/ am prepared to make the move in the hope it can actually help me manage independently in my own flat and move on with my life. I don't want to keep going round in circles like I have been the past 8 years or so.

I had a pre- assessment 2 days ago and felt my hopes completely fade when the ED nurse said they had a minimum BMI criteria. Only, I'm 3.5kgs under that and am at my target set by home-team and have absolutely no desire to be pushed any further. I'm at my limit as it is and just want to learn to maintain.

I felt a little frustrated as it had been discussed with their psychiatrist previously and he seemed willing to work with me anyway. It helped the ward manager was with me and she explained that while the majority of patients are better at a higher BMI, with me it pushes me to a point I don't cope and am at a far greater risk of relapse.

The ED nurse made it very clear that residents were expected to be above the minimum BMI and wasn't sure if they could make an exception even though I'm clearly very motivated. To make it worse they also expect residents to be able to manage main meals. I've not managed main meals (even half portions) consistently since I've been here. Instead, I've been on 2 sandwiches a day which has been working for me so much better.

I'm willing to work towards having main meals and even spoke with OT yesterday to see if I could try building up to having 2 main meals with them a week that I can manage. The OT assistant said they could definitely work with me to do that. I just hope that would be enough (if they even let me be an exemption to their minimum criteria!).

They're still assessing me next Friday, so maybe just maybe there's a chance. Especially if they consult with the psychiatrist and he's still up for having me!

To make things trickier, my dad's health continues to be managed on insurance as his meds aren't available on the NHS. The problem is it's ridiculously expensive and while I try my best to contribute, it's nowhere near enough. If I could work part- time, it would help but that means being AND staying well enough to do so. It's why the next placement HAS to be suitable and can help me. AP is my only option and hope as it stands as there's nothing in a 2 hour radius of my family or home-team.

Why is this so so hard?!

Oh and to top it off health wise things aren't great. I keep getting nosebleeds, my blood pressure fluctuates unpredictably and is usually too high. I get nausea, chest pain and a throbbing headache. Plus, my legs keep going purple with orangey/ red blotches if I stand more than a few minutes. It's all very bizarre! The ward Dr has written to my GP (I've never met them as I only lived in the area 6 days before coming here!) requesting 4 referrals to made asap (ENT, cardiology, rheumatology and endocrinology). She's pretty sure I have hypermobility EDS. I don't really care what it is at this point, I just want to know so that I can do what I can to lessen the symptoms/ what to do!

Please get easier!!

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

19/07/25

I don't know where the time is going. Somehow I've been here nearly 11 months now, definitely not the 6-8 week admission they had planned! As time has gone on, my frustration is growing. The ward politics from staff confuse me. One of the few people I trust, my consultant left this week to start a new life in Australia! I'm super happy for her and I know she will help so many, but I can't help but feel selfishly sad. The other consultant is a male and that in itself makes me feel even more vulnerable.

About 6 weeks ago, after maintaining just below my target for 2 months, the team decided I needed to be pushed back on track and put me on an all supplement diet with a double increase. Let's just say I didn't cope too well and ended up on 1:1 obs for extra support. It wasn't helped we ran out of plant-based supplement so they forced me to have the cows milk one (I'm cows milk intolerant and have a GP to letter to state this). It only lasted for one meal in the end when the dietitian had to put me back onto food, but the whole thing was excruciatingly stressful.

Last week, I finally got some unescorted leave, but I was only able to use it once as that night I got to sent to A&E due to another nosebleed (I'd been having them for a couple of weeks and were getting worse), but it was quite a bad one as it came out both sides and my mouth. It was a pretty wasted trip as by that point the bleeding had stopped and I was just got told they needed to find out why I was having so many all of a sudden... Well, I knew that part!

Luckily, the ward Dr managed to get me an appointment with ENT who saw I have a deviated septum and inflammation on one side which was probably a mix being born with deviation, but made worse by trauma from NGs. So, I now have a wash, spray and cream which seems to be helping. The main concern is my erratic blood pressure and associated symptoms (chest pain, nausea, throbbing headache, blurred vision and my legs go purple with orange spots... very weird!).

As a result, in ward round my consultant and the rest of the team felt I wasn't physically well enough to go out alone or leave the hospital. So, I remain on 3x 30 minutes escorted garden leave and that's it. I'm finding it all incredibly frustrating as I'm desperate to start getting out and about again! I really miss freedom. I watch others go on their leaves, listen to when they brag about the 4 monsters they've had, while all I want is to go for a costa with my best friend/ dad and just embrace their company and environment.

What's worrying me now is that other patients have started to copy my meal plan already. I've been on a light meal for dinner for a few weeks now (by light I mean a sandwich instead of a main meal). The dietitian and I came up with it after many months of me trying and struggling to cope with mains and each time only knocked my confidence further, plus I was on maintenance. Now, 2 patients now are doing the same and I worry I won't be allowed to continue it much longer.

Something similar happened at the beginning of my admission where I was on 1/2 main and 1/2 supplement which ended up working much better as I wouldn't get as overwhelmed and was more likely to try. However, other patients started copying me, but wouldn't ask for the supplement so the dietitian stopped all of us having it, even though it was helping me.

This is what I find so hard about EDUs. Some blanket rules may help the majority, but there will always be some it really doesn't and it's unfair on them.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

26/06/25

How do I say what goes on inside my mind? Where I'm beyond tired, the kind where sleep doesn't solve anything. How do I say that everyday is such a battle? I'm trying my best to appear ok and get on with things, but the past few weeks really knocked me/ my confidence. It made me realise no matter how hard I try, the ED will always have the upper hand.

How do I say that every time I close my eyes, all I see is flashes from the past that I wish I could get my stupid mind to erase? The sickening knowledge that it was all my fault. I'm so ashamed. My upcoming birthday is just another reminder where gifts were once used to buy my silence.

The darkest of thoughts circle on repeat, constantly. I know I shouldn't be thinking of it, let alone struggle not to be thinking of an active plan, yet I am. The thought of all this continuing is unbearable. Then, the guilt sets in as I wonder how I can be so selfish. I think of my dad, friends, and loved ones, and the thought of hurting anyone breaks me, but so does the thought of continuing. I feel trapped, and the worst part is, I only have myself to blame.

I'm trying my hardest. I'm following my meal plan despite the inner turmoil it sets off, I follow (most of) the rules and do what I can to be better... I'm just tired. Tired of remembering, tired of feeling constantly afraid and tired of feeling so trapped. I'm sorry.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

Also, reading about you clinging to the parts that make you you hit home for me.

Personally, I had to demolish what I thought was me because it wasn’t, or anything that was remotely close to “me” was too similar to the principles my ed held (perfectionism, discipline, rules). The foundations I had tried to build myself on were flawed, regardless of the outwards appearance of success that I had achieved.

In fact, (I was pretty young so that could also be a factor) before and after my hospitalisations, my personality type changed. I went from an ISFJ to an ISFP. Basically going off of the little cartoons 16personalities gives for each personality type, I went from a nurse to a hippie 😂 but using that metaphor, it’s pretty useless being a dead nurse but an alive hippie can still do a lot more than them.

You’ll feel behind all of your other friends and those you grew up with, because you’re starting from scratch all over again. But you’re putting in the work on things they haven’t had to invest as much time into. You’ll find things that maybe you’ll pick up again, like certain interests or hobbies. Or not. I felt like I wasn’t as good of a person anymore. I didn’t read a lot or study or work out. I just scrolled on my phone. But I needed to numb my mind and play the waiting game of waiting for myself to encounter and achieve emotional / mental health goals before I could get cracking on the visible goals.

I had to learn to cope in a way different to how I had. I had to learn how to not resort to suicide (or at least keep it as a plan f rather than a plan b). I had to learn how to live again, and it will be different. My mind wasn’t quite as quick, I moved differently and thought differently. But I suppose it’s the dilemma, would you continue to live your slither of a life (not you specifically) in a half dead body or get another chance at life in someone else’s body. Because recovery can feel like someone else’s body for a while x

Sorry for rambling, I hope some of this helps you

Sometimes, it is hard to differentiate between you and the illness, but it doesn't mean it's impossible, and in a way, it can be quite fun to find yourself again. Perfectionism can be both a negative and positive trait, the tricky part is mastering it so it is used in a positive way.

Haha yes, I believe that's based on the Myers Briggs personality type. I'm pretty sure I'm an INFJ, also known as the defender. You're right, it is absolutely pointless to be a dead nurse. But, an alive hippie can do so much more 🩷 I'd like to either train up as a psychological wellbeing practitioner (PWP) or work as a lived experience practitioner to improve mental health services.

My friends are all so different from me, and I feel very fortunate to them for sticking by me and putting up with my shit. I'd like to go back to my hobbies like horse riding and driving but also find new ones!

Taking time out for yourself and to heal is absolutely ok! Sometimes we need to take a break, mindlessly scroll on social media, stare into space etc. I get moving from an actively suicidal brain to one that plans to exist. It's far from easy. It's also super tricky when you're physically in a much better place, but your mind hasnt caught up. I love a ramble too!

Thank you again for your message 🩷

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

Hey I just want you to know I’m cheering you on. Inpatient can be a really tricky environment, I was inpatient not for an ed but having had an ed I can only imagine how hard it is to stay on track when new admissions arrive! Try keep your distance from them, I encourage you to try and get support (or even chat gpt) to help you communicate the issues you feel you’re having with the dietician and the decisions being made. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that you can always leave an anonymous Google review (I did both 😅).

Anorexia is a sneaky bitch but you have to remember she’s a pathetic one too. When I listened to her, my life was shit. The only places she got me was a hospital, or at home with people constantly being suspicious of me and myself always feeling on high alert and shifty. It’s such a waste of energy and life. I tell myself in about 70 years I’ll die and look like a skeleton without having to starve myself, why waste the time and life I have not being dead trying to look like something I’ll get for free one day 😅

ED for me always tried to cut me down and make herself sound better than me, but one day I just snapped and went “bitch? We’re in a hospital, and it’s your fault. Everything you have touched turns to shit. Sure it might be nice to look a certain way, but you know what else is nice? Pissing by myself. Not hearing random people screaming when I’m trying to sleep. Not getting triggered by a bunch of other struggling people. Not having my life in the hands of shitty, power drunk professionals that go home at the end of the day and don’t give a crap about me or the effect their decisions have on me”

I decided to take my fat and freedom and never look back. It’s nice to piss by myself again. One day you’ll get out too and enjoy those small things too. Maybe make a list of the stuff you will enjoy out of hospital? I made a bucket list, even small things like running after the bus and using nice smelling soap!

This is such a lovely message to read. Thank you so so much for taking the time to send me such a kind and thoughtful message 🩷

We've had a few discharges over the past couple of weeks, so we are likely to have new admsisions. Luckily, I seem to have gone into my own bubble where other people dont trigger me. I just feel sad and frustrated that I'm not at the point where I should be by now.

My ED has completely ruined my life for the past too many years, and I really hope it doesn't ruin even one more! I'm so happy to hear you've managed to take back control of your ED and rebuild your life! You're absolutely right, and although it's far from simple to do so, being stuck in the depths of an ED only brings misery, pain, and isolation.

I will be very relieved to be away from hospital, away from rules that have no place in the outside world and be able to see loved ones whenever I'd like!

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

10.04.25

PTW

I've been here for over 7 months now and it still feels excruciatingly difficult, admittedly for different reasons. I've been at my target nearly 4 months, but it isn't getting easier and coming to terms with this healthier weight is a struggle to accept. It probably isn't helped that there have been several new admissions, all of whom are severely underweight (needing wheelchairs/ bed rest), far more unwell than when I came in at. I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard not to.

Anorexia is a sneaky, manipulative and cruel illness. I hate the person I have become as a result. I am however, so grateful for the people I've had the privilege of meeting along the way. One of who is the ward manager. Despite being super busy and inundated with paper work, she always makes time for me.

Last Thursday, I waved goodbye to her by the office door, so she came out and asked what I was having for lunch. I was unsure so said maybe a sandwich... she repeated the word "maybe" and I shrugged. With that, she said she'd have a word with my dad who was waiting for me downstairs in reception and took me by the hand to go to him. She asked him to support me and make sure I ate a sandwich or wrap.

Last night, despite starting at 7am she stayed after she finished her paperwork at 8pm and spoke with me for a good half hour. I don't think she left until half 9/10pm! She didn't have to do either of them, but she cares, so much. She's a bit concerned as she thinks I'm below my target, I'm not. I'm actually 200g over, BUT I am really struggling when on leave. I don't know what to do.

Every time I go on leave, the anorexia consumes me. I go in determined to make things different. Only, when it comes to it, I stare at the sandwiches in a blind panic, opting for a salad instead. Eating comes with too much baggage, too many unnecessary thoughts and feelings. It's simply too overwhelming. BUT, I can't continue this if I want a life outside of EDUs. I know this and I need to get a grip and fast.

I feel like I'm retreating into myself, spending hours in my room and away from others. Shame takes over as I think of how much things have completely crumbled, how they continue to do so. I just want to live independently, work part-time and spend time with loved ones. Why is that SO hard? I feel out of place here. New patients replace previous ones, only they are VERY poorly and I can't help but wonder if they look at me in fear. Fear that they will end up as fat as I have become. So, I retreat further.

I can go on leave now. Currently, I have 3x 30 minute walks to Hayes, weekly ward trip and 1.5 hours to go out to the "local area" (all unescorted). It's nice having some time away, but coming back is never easy. Hopefully, I'll be able to have more time off the ward next week. I did have day leave and an overnight last week but since I dropped 300g this week, my consultant felt it best to cut back my leave this week and get me back on track.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

22/03/25

What will it take to rid this sneaky, manipulative part of me that has somehow managed to destroy everything? Nothing positive comes from having an eating disorder, so why on earth do I let it continue to control my every move? How can I be so selfish?

18 years of this illness (diagnosed, nearly 24 if you count from when it first started!) and I'm still just as consumed as ever. I've spent more time in hospitals than my own home as an adult, watched others lose their own fight and still I continue the same destructive path. I'm exhausted from the constant fight and I wonder what it will take to win, or if I ever will beat it.

I am in another EDU, this time in London and I'm lucky for many reasons. The staff on the whole are kind and supportive, I have my own room/ ensuite and I'm not being pushed too far weight wise (this time). I know the last point is ED driven, but getting to even this point nearly broke me.

There are the usual rules which makes no sense, other than to piss patients off. No caffeine, no sweeteners, feet on the floor at all times (particularly during supervision post meals)... risk assessments that should take 2 minutes end up taking 30 so our much valued time out is cut short.

I don't know what the rest of my admission holds or even where I'll go after. The uncertainties are unsettling, which of course, for me is where the ED thrives.

Currently our ward is divided. The younger patients (18-25 year olds) sit in one lounge, with the exception of a 65 year old and the rest of us sit in the other one with uncomfortable chairs. The dynamic is strange. Two of the younger patients kick off (one daily), their motives not seemingly ED driven and I wonder if they themselves know what they want from their behaviours.

I've started to increasingly self- isolate, only really engaging with a couple of others as I'm not interested in the ward politics. I speak to everyone, but more on a surface, I need to protect myself too.

I'm getting more leave which is more than welcome but with it comes a great deal of responsibility and deep down I know I'm not quite ready for. Yet, I push for more and more as I'm desperate to spend as much time as I can in the real world, as though I'm clinging onto the part of me that makes up... me. Not the ED. Only, I'm setting myself backwards each time and I don't know how not to.

Why is this so hard?

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

01/03/25

How are we in March already? Where did the time go?

Being here feels harder than before in different ways. My section is due to expire in 4 days and even though my consultant has said she will be extending it for a further 6 months, I can't help but desperately want to escape and avoid it. The thing is, I don't need to be here anymore. I've got too big and I just want to get rid of the unnecessary weight gain.

I've come a long way in some ways, but every meal continues to be such a struggle and I wonder if it will ever get easier. I think I've got to the best place I can and it's time for me to leave. My mood is brighter, I'm over my target weight and I don't know what else I can gain from being here. I feel like a fraud being around those who are actually really unwell.

I have an ED, I acknowledge that, but it's not that bad and certainly not anymore. Even more so when compared to the others here. I'd like to learn to cook and be able to actually eat it, but surely I could do that in the community with OT from the ED services. There's no need for me to be here just because I have nowhere else to live. I could find a flat to rent and move there.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

17/02/25

How am I?

I am trapped, exposed and afraid. In a body that no longer feels like my own, too big, too unsafe. The need to disappear is overwhelming and I wonder how much more I can take.

Is this the right place? I don't know. I don't know where else would be more suitable, or if anywhere can even help me anymore. I wonder if I'm in the right place myself. I wonder it when I ask staff to wipe blood off the walls, trying desperately to distract myself from the screaming and shouting or smacking of heads against the walls.

I don't self- harm, but I think of suicide all too often of course and more in a practical sense. I'm tired of being a burden. I don't have active plans, but I still think of it.

I do know I work well with the majority of the staff, have built a trust I didn't believe was possible and in some ways come a long way from when I initially came. I still have a way to go, but where that is most suitable for me, I have no idea.

I'm trying my hardest to be brave, to get on with the meals despite the panic that sets in. I try not to make a fuss and hopefully slip into the background until I leave. BUT, that doesn't make any part of this feel tolerable and when I'm faced with things (mainly weight gain, food and/ or the threat of an ng) which push me over the edge, my first instinct is to run and disappear.

If you feel this isn't the right place for me, please discharge me from my section. I don't want to take up a bed or any more of your (and all the staffs) time.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

08/02/25

I feel exposed, vulnerable and afraid. It's how I feel every time I gain the weight back and I hate it. I wish I could simply accept it, but something stops me, every time. I'd love to travel again, spend time with loved ones and do a job that helps others. Yet, I'm stuck in this torturous cycle and no matter what I try, I can't find the way out.

I've been on maintenance for several weeks now. At what point will it get easier? I'm trying my hardest, I follow my meal plan, go to the groups and am honest with how I feel. Only, nothing is ever enough, I'm not enough. I'm simply waiting for somewhere to live, I hope my social worker gets on with it. I'm tired and fed up of wasting everyone's time here. They've tried so much to help me and I only throw it back in their faces. I can't do it anymore.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

30/01/25

Ever so slightly, my mood is brightening. I see a glimmer of hope but I'm scared to hold onto it in case it slips right through my hands. I'm trying to look towards a future, but it is incredibly overwhelming. So, I tightly grip to the hope of others until I find my own as I cautiously take each day as it comes.

I'm far from out of the woods, but I feel I'm edging my way closer to getting out. Having the responsibility to keep myself safe at night is a relief, but it isn't easy when the darkest of thoughts try to consume me.

Eating remains torturous. I know logically I need to eat, but I don't need this much and I look far more than the number on the scale. It's a constant battle and I wonder whether I'll be able to keep up the maintenance.

The pressure of everything is overwhelming.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

20/01/25

I'm sorry for writing. It's just that it's the easiest way to gather my thoughts and sometimes communicate. I’m also sorry this is so long!

I was really upset and disappointed when I was unable to see my friend on Saturday and I know my friend was equally disappointed. I’m not sure where the miscommunication happened, but my friend travelled over 2 hours (each way) just to see me. I thought it had been agreed in ward round I could see her and if it went well, we could review starting weekend visits properly again, which was why I booked the prayer room. Maybe I was wrong?

It means a lot for me to have the friendships I have as they’re like family to me. This illness has taken a lot from me including friendships, so I really value those still in my life and spending time with them. I have a couple of other friends who want to visit me, as well as my cousin, but they work full-time so would have to visit on a weekend. I appreciate there are less staff on weekends but, is there any way I could see them? I feel very hopeless and lost, but maybe a visit will pick me up, even just by the smallest of amounts.

I’m really struggling with the constant low mood, but also the lack of interest in food, not to mention feeling it is unnecessary for me to eat so much and weigh such a high number. I feel embarrassed every time I drag myself to the table, knowing all too well I shouldn’t be struggling this at weight, but I do. I really do. I eat mostly out of fear of the ng, am I really doing better or is it just my weight that is?

Another thing I'm struggling is with the ward environment as it feels quite disruptive/ unpredictable at times. I try and stay calm, but when there are loud noises (particularly loud bangs and screaming/ shouting) I can't help but feel overwhelmingly anxious. It reminds me of my mum as her moods are often unpredictable and can be volatile, particularly towards me.

I'm trying my best to shut it out, focus on myself, and I find that going to my room (my safe space) with staff who talk with me helpful. Sometimes, though it can get overwhelming, and I can feel myself starting to shut down, or less often, I tremble (a lot) and cry. I was wondering if you know how I can manage when this happens? Or if this is something I should discuss with Lorraine?

I'm so grateful for you offering for me to come with you to the other Priory where they offer rTMS and I was wondering if we could do that sometime soon? I trust and value your opinion so it would be nice to know what you make of it too. Maybe another staff could come too for support?

I asked about going to the garden with staff I trust first in ward round as they seem to know how to help me manage the intense suicidal thoughts and help me feel safer. It can be the way they pick up on my behaviours/ environment and reacting to them like talking to me to distract me away from them. This previously happened when my dad visited and my 1:1 was really supportive which really helped me.

I know going to an acute psych ward was mentioned, but it was Bernie who was keen for me to be sent to one and she didn't even know me. My care coordinator (whose known me around 2 years) is firmly against it as she knows how damaging they are for me, both mentally and physically. Please don’t send me there.