Also, reading about you clinging to the parts that make you you hit home for me.
Personally, I had to demolish what I thought was me because it wasn’t, or anything that was remotely close to “me” was too similar to the principles my ed held (perfectionism, discipline, rules). The foundations I had tried to build myself on were flawed, regardless of the outwards appearance of success that I had achieved.
In fact, (I was pretty young so that could also be a factor) before and after my hospitalisations, my personality type changed. I went from an ISFJ to an ISFP. Basically going off of the little cartoons 16personalities gives for each personality type, I went from a nurse to a hippie 😂 but using that metaphor, it’s pretty useless being a dead nurse but an alive hippie can still do a lot more than them.
You’ll feel behind all of your other friends and those you grew up with, because you’re starting from scratch all over again. But you’re putting in the work on things they haven’t had to invest as much time into. You’ll find things that maybe you’ll pick up again, like certain interests or hobbies. Or not. I felt like I wasn’t as good of a person anymore. I didn’t read a lot or study or work out. I just scrolled on my phone. But I needed to numb my mind and play the waiting game of waiting for myself to encounter and achieve emotional / mental health goals before I could get cracking on the visible goals.
I had to learn to cope in a way different to how I had. I had to learn how to not resort to suicide (or at least keep it as a plan f rather than a plan b). I had to learn how to live again, and it will be different. My mind wasn’t quite as quick, I moved differently and thought differently. But I suppose it’s the dilemma, would you continue to live your slither of a life (not you specifically) in a half dead body or get another chance at life in someone else’s body. Because recovery can feel like someone else’s body for a while x
Sorry for rambling, I hope some of this helps you
Sometimes, it is hard to differentiate between you and the illness, but it doesn't mean it's impossible, and in a way, it can be quite fun to find yourself again. Perfectionism can be both a negative and positive trait, the tricky part is mastering it so it is used in a positive way.
Haha yes, I believe that's based on the Myers Briggs personality type. I'm pretty sure I'm an INFJ, also known as the defender. You're right, it is absolutely pointless to be a dead nurse. But, an alive hippie can do so much more 🩷 I'd like to either train up as a psychological wellbeing practitioner (PWP) or work as a lived experience practitioner to improve mental health services.
My friends are all so different from me, and I feel very fortunate to them for sticking by me and putting up with my shit. I'd like to go back to my hobbies like horse riding and driving but also find new ones!
Taking time out for yourself and to heal is absolutely ok! Sometimes we need to take a break, mindlessly scroll on social media, stare into space etc. I get moving from an actively suicidal brain to one that plans to exist. It's far from easy. It's also super tricky when you're physically in a much better place, but your mind hasnt caught up. I love a ramble too!
Thank you again for your message 🩷