แฏแจแฌ แพแฐ แปแฌแฏแแแ - แแฌแฌ แแฌแพแฆแทแจแ
a/n: this is a little spinoff for bomticc seokmin. a lovely anon requested some expansion because they appreciated the asexual representation through his character, so i figured, why the hell not! i'm so glad that my work can validate people and make them feel safe. as always, enjoy! <3
content warning: brief mentions of sexual assault. it isn't detailed in any way but i want everyone to be aware of what they're about to read.
relationships: very brief seokmin x seungcheol; implied future seokmin x joshua
we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
-Randy Pausch, "The Last Lecture"
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Seokmin was sitting in a booth in Maroon Chai, swinging his legs and sipping a hazelnut latte. Every once in a while, Joshua โ who was drying mugs behind the counter โ would shoot him a โyouโre still here alone?โ glance overflowing with pity and somethingโฆ deeper and not quite readable. Well, he could stuff his pity.
Seokmin rolled his eyes and glanced at his watch. 2:20 PM. He was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago. Seokmin sighed and made to leave, not missing Joshuaโs pointed stare, when Seungcheol burst through the door with a jacket slung over his shoulder, looking like he had just run two miles to get there.
Joshua smiled tightly. โHello, Seungcheol. I almost wasnโt expecting you.โ He turned and began busying himself with what he knew Seungcheol usually ordered.
Seungcheol blinked before turning to Seokmin. โIโm so sorry Iโm late, I wasโฆโ He paused, clearly trying to think of an excuse that would be more acceptable than whatever actually held him up, but then thought better of it and shook his head. โIโm just sorry. I donโt usually run late but sometimes things happen.โ
โItโs alright,โ Seokmin reassured him with a soft smile. Jeonghan and Seungkwan, ever the perfect enemies to besties trope, had set him and Seungcheol up for coffee. They had reassured him that with their track record, even if romance didnโt blossom between them, a friendship would sprout up like those flowering weeds that society groomed people into hating.
In Seokminโs opinion, this outing was headed in the weedy direction. Seungcheol was nice, he had a good sense of humor, a warm smile, and balanced a baby face with the body of a linebacker in training better than most, despite having played baseball instead. But every time Seokmin would catch Joshuaโs wandering eyes that the latter was clearly trying to disguise as routine managerial surveillance, the sinking feeling of doubt in his stomach would get slightly heavier.
โApologies, but I donโt think we should see each other again like this,โ Seokmin stated bluntly as he and Seungcheol grabbed their coats to leave the cafรฉ.
Seungcheol paused, half of his arm through a sleeve. โAlright, I have to admit that I wasnโt exactly feeling sparks either.โ He shrugged the rest of his jacket on and held the door open for Seokmin to walk through.
Seokmin smiled weakly. โGlad weโre on the same page, then. Have a good rest of your day, Seungcheol.โ The two parted ways just outside, heading in opposite directions.
Seokmin sighed, hands buried deep in his pockets and face tucked tight into the collar of his outerwear. He couldnโt help but ponder the nature of the date. There was politeness in the air, but throughout the hour and a half the two spent together, they couldnโt penetrate the stiff energy that their conversations held. Is this how all of my dates are going to go? he wondered as he scurried home. His usual trademark bubbliness hadnโt surfaced at all in the coffee shop, which was incredibly rare.
Normally, Seokmin would snag a second date to truly test the waters. Kind of like how itโs often encouraged to try a second bite of food before deciding whether itโs truly despicable. But this time, Seokmin was too fed up to even bother. He didnโt feel a physical pull from his potential love interests the way his friends did. His pull relied on a feeling of safety and understanding, and it seemed that his receptors were burned out. He furrowed his brow as he climbed the stairs of his apartment building. Maybe he was more demiromantic than he thought? He did feel more romantic potential for himself around his single friendsโฆ
Seokmin shook his head with the hopes of clearing the thoughts from his mind. Now wasnโt the time for intense, abstract contemplation about the relative absurdity of his identity. Now was the time for curling up on the couch and rotting, preferably with a giant brownie sundae in hand and some trashy reality show or soap opera on the TV.
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Seokmin was home for the week. A rare occurrence, seeing as he would often disappear for days at a time without warning. His friends hated it, but they had his location, so really, it was their faults that they often didnโt know where he was. Being home, he saw no reason why he shouldnโt invite them all over.
So there they all were, scattered across his living room. Jeonghan was sprawled across the back of the couch like he owned it (he didnโt, but good luck trying to tell him that). Jihoon was practically horizontal in a recliner, eyes closed, apparently trying to block out his surroundings. Soonyoung was trying to scramble onto the chair with him but failing miserably, as he was surprisingly uncoordinated in any context other than the dance studio. Yn and Joshua were settled on the floor giggling to each other. There was a perfectly usable loveseat right there but clearly proximity was of the utmost importance.
Jun flounced into the room, iced tea in hand, and catapulted himself over the back of the couch to sit next to Seokmin. In doing so, he used Jeonghanโs ass as a launchpad, earning a startled yelp and an โI told you to stop doing that!โ from the other. โSeok, buddy, pal, I know you donโt drink for whatever mysterious tree dweller reason, but would it kill you to have a six pack or two in your fridge for those of us who do when you plan a hangout?โ He threw his arm around Seokminโs shoulder and squeezed a little too tight, as was his style. โOr are you scared of getting I.D.โd by a twenty-year-old who doesnโt get paid enough to care whether your license is legit?โ
Seokmin shrugged. โI guess I just didnโt think about it, Iโm so used to not drinking by now that it barely occurs to me outside of a bar that other people actually choose to do it.โ He side eyed the man whose arm was still boa constricting his upper body. โAnd if you canโt get through a get-together without something like that, then maybe you need to reconsider some things.โ
Jun blinked, taken slightly aback by the bite in Seokminโs words. โThatโs not- I wasnโt- It was a joke.โ He slowly retracted his arm, sharing a concerned look with Joshua across the room. โAre you okay, man?โ
Seokmin sighed. โYeah, I think soโฆ I donโt know, actually, Iโve had boring date after boring date, Iโve been having some really nice thoughts and feelings aboutโฆโ He oh-so-subtly glanced over at Joshua. โSomebody. And on top of that, Iโve also been having some flashbacks that tonally are pretty much the exact opposite of those feelings.โ
That got Jihoonโs attention, at least somewhat. He peeked an eye open. โFlashbacks of what, exactly?โ
Seokmin bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth. โSo, we all know that I kind of fit the rose-colored glasses stereotype when it comes to romance, right?โ After receiving nods from the rest of the room, he continued, โWell, mine arenโt so much glasses as rose-colored contacts. I have to all but gouge my eyes out in order to be realistic.โ
Yn grimaced. โYeah, contacts are a bitch.โ They smirked. โI wear glasses mostly; I only wear contacts when Vernon and I-โ
Joshua clapped a hand over their mouth. โI think heโs the last person that you want to be talking about that with, darling.โ
Seokmin chuckled dryly. โThatโs another thing. Iโm ace, we get it, weโve beaten that horse to death and desecrated its corpse.โ Next to him, Jun winced at the visual. โBut Iโm constantly debating whether to lean into discussions and jokes about sex and risk being invalidated or to express disgust every time and be labeled a stereotype.โ He groaned, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. โYou know that emoji of the person just standing that people use to express shock or indecision? Thatโs the most accurate comparison I can draw.โ
Jeonghan gently moved Seokminโs hands away from his eyes, giving them a light squeeze. โIโm sorry, bub, people need to understand that youโre still a whole person and wonโt function like the cardboard cutout of your orientation.โ He shifted to wrap his arms around Seokminโs shoulders before continuing, โBut you were talking about flashbacks a minute ago and I donโt want you to drift so far down the river that you canโt get back to shore, so do you want to continue with that?โ
Seokmin nodded. โI used to drink pretty frequently in college. Almost every weekend I would go out, get drunk, and then stumble home.โ He shifted uncomfortably on his cushion. โI was seeing this one person at that time, who technically knew I was asexual but I guess lacked enough of an understanding of the orientation?โ
Jun rolled his eyes. โAnnnnd, here we go. Yet another self righteous asshole who canโt rotate their eyeballs around to examine their own shortcomings.โ
โThatโs a pretty accurate description, actually,โ Seokmin admitted. โJust, you know, add in the fact that those shortcomings extended to personal crimes.โ
Soonyoung cocked his head cautiously. โW-When you say personal crimesโฆโ
Seokmin swallowed slightly painfully before recounting the night that made him go permanently sober. He spoke of the club lights that made his vision go blurry at the edges before he had a single drink. The bass thudding in his chest from the house music that was just bordering the precipice of too loud. Losing just enough of the composure that he had started to regard as a standard for himself. Being pulled off the dance floor into one of the dingy single-use bathrooms. The glass shattered on the floor, blood-red grenadine puddles pooling across the scuffed tile. The hands that wandered where they shouldnโt, attempting to claim him as their own.
By the time Seokmin finished, the air in the room had gone stale, silent, still. Everyone sat frozen, whether out of shock or fury, he couldnโt tell, like they were all scared to even breathe lest they force themselves to acknowledge their friendโs reality through oxygen intake. The only one who voluntarily moved was Jihoon, who had shot up into a ramrod straight position, causing Soonyoung to go flying towards the opposite wall, spluttering like a fish out of water.
Yn took a shaky breath before asking, โAre you okay, Seokmin?โ They bit their lip so hard that Seokmin was worried theyโd draw blood.
Seokmin nodded slowly. โAs okay as I can be, I guess. I never saw them again after that.โ He leaned back into Jeonghanโs reassuring squeeze. โMustโve felt guilty.โ
Jihoon chuckled darkly. โPlease. People like that hardly have a conscience.โ
Jun looked to be frozen solid, like someone had dumped a bucket of water on him. His voice barely reached an audible decibel when he spoke. โSoโฆ Can I become a boa constrictor again?โ
Seokmin snorted a quiet laugh before nodding. Before Jun could move, Joshua dove and intercepted Seokmin in a bone-crushing hug, almost knocking Jeonghan off the couch. One by one, the others moved to embrace him as well.
Seokmin smiled softly. With friends like these, who needs romance? he thought to himself. He tightened his hold around Joshuaโs waist. Oh, who am I kidding.
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