Legendary Lani @legendarylani - Tumblr Blog

Hit 38 a couple weeks ago. A whirlwind of emotions that I can't really express but I'm ready to get back to me. My body betrayed me. Man I loved broke my heart. Man I liked hurt my feelings. Men that helped raise me, passed on. I'm just now making peace with the body. Working hard on my mind. Don't know what to do with my heart.

I really been faithful to my boundaries. It's really crazy to have a bar that I think is average not be reached. I've had opportunities to settle and I didn't. The bar is still the bar.

I've been working on myself for a long time now. I really dedicated myself to my healing. When I was younger I didn't know it would be a life long process but that's really been my purpose. The world has changed so much. What I saw for my life then makes so much more sense now. People, men specifically, aren't good for my health. My mental and spiritual health impact my physical health in the craziest of ways. Now that I know that I took a step back from every relationship that triggered my anxiety. I used to let the first trigger slide but I don't anymore. I just bow out gracefully. Some people might call it going ghost but I always communicate, people just don't listen. Working on communication has been a theme in my life for almost as long my healing process. They kind of go hand in hand. It's been an interesting process to say the least. I'm about to see how life goes when the focus is peace.

I really figured out why I take shit so personally. I'm very careful with the people I like and love. When I'm treated like I'm not much to lose, I get lost.

I'm grateful I can manufacture happiness for myself. It's not an easy ride but I'm fucking with it anyways.

It's been 25 years since my mom died. I've lived double the time without her than I had with her and I'm still fucked up about it. I know I'll never be over it but it still blows my mind.

I had the April showers and I'm focused on the May flowers. It's always a hard month for me. I'm always reflecting and it's really crazy that this traumatic event forced me to make a life changing choice as a 12 year old. At the time I had no idea how to express how I was feeling because I was traumatized. Twelve year old me is the only reason I exist today.

I play the game how it goes every time. As long as I'm fair and sincere I can live with the outcome. This is easier said than done but I've been tested. I'm tried and true. It'll come around and I'll have my time.

After I get sad, I get destructive. Part of my healing process is to clear shit out. I love throwing things away. I get a high from it. The cleared space is therapeutic. I have clear visions of me having fun in my backyard. I want to host my cousins. I want to have a backyard date night. The nigga I'm in my feelings about left me with a lot. I've been sorting through what to keep and what to get rid of. I'm executing my plans to get my shit straight and that's part of the high. Right now, it's time to clear shit out with destruction. When it's all said and done, I'm about to have some new shit.

Vision. I gotta stay true to it. Just when I think I'm close to realizing something I'm forced to reassess, recalibrate and refocus. I can't let this frustrate me. I have to take the opportunity to be better. Sharpen up. I'm not sure what I will have to sacrifice but I know I can let whatever I need to go.

Turned 37 yesterday. It's been a fucking ride. I've kind of detached from being human and focused more on just being a purpose. Probably doesn't make sense but living with a chronic illness after watching a parent die from a chronic illness, while knocking on the door of that parent's fatal year is very weird. I analyze my mother's choices a lot. I've tried to make the opposite choices to avoid her fate. I know her life is her life but I really think mine went different because I did different. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm getting to the point where my tastes are changing. I've cleaned up my diet. I'm dialed in on how I want to present myself. I'm editing my associations. I'm focused on my craft. I'm trying to craft myself. I want to do better this year.

I've been processing big feelings for far too long and I need a break. I've done a lot of introspective work and life has been testing my theories and boundaries at the same time. I can barely concentrate but I'm still keeping focused. At the end of the day I can live with all choices so I take peace in knowing that.

I'm too sensitive for a lot of things that everyone should fuck with, love included.

I'm healing. Mentally I'm somewhere between not giving a fuck and feeling invincible. Could be a crazy combination so I'm really just being still until my feelings sort themselves. I've been through so much and I know life is not fair but gah damn. Sometimes I just have to not care in order to avoid a breakdown. Eventually I'll get my shit together but I know the efforts are apparent.

Still using this as some type of journal. 2023 was a blur but most of my years have been. I can change that if I want to. I just need to decide what I want to do.

Honestly, a lot happens to me in a short amount of time but I finally have some time and space to digest everything. I'm still making shit happen. Sometimes it feels like I'm spinning miracles around to manage. That in itself makes me feel all types of ways, grateful among them, but tired as well. I feel like I'm close to everything I want.

There will come a day where I no longer have to wonder. My anxiety has been off the scales because there is so much I don't know. There is no ease in knowing the destination. Hopefully when I get there, there will be peace. I'll be fine.

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