How close it felt to their first meeting.
One feeling like the worst, most useless and unwanted creature in the worldâincapable of good. The other came like a balm, warmth in the darkness and gentle words to soothe a ravaged soul.
When his wife found him he was pale and shaking, wracked with chills as the physical want to run or fight was damped down by his inability to even stand right on his own. She sat with him there in his misery, on the floor of the workshop and brushed his black hair from his face, wrapped a blanket around them both and waited for the roiling waves to settle.
He did not need to tell her the demons that haunted him. She knew. She had been there to soothe nightmares as Leiran faded from memory and Peregrine delighted in his life without murderous half sisters and cruel lost loves to haunt him. She had given him four beautiful children he never wanted to have to feel the same loss and pain, to trade their bodies and minds and souls as he had chasing the feeling of being loved and wanted.
With her by his side he did not have to try and go to the places that made his stomach lurch and head spin. She drew him instead back to the present and kissed his tear streaked face and acknowledged his pain, his fear, and his regret. He lost count of the times she reassured him he was not, in fact, a bad father or she would have done away with him long ago.
Like a true Captain, she helped him sort through the deluge of feelings and focus on what needed to be done for the safety of their children. The demons he needed to face now and the ones that they could face together later. She pulled him back from the mocking faces, the looks of disappointment and a too small coffin in a family mausoleum he would never be a part of.
It took hours to write the letter, to get enough lines down he could copy them over clean, piercing together papers here and there from before into something coherent. Something he could cling to if she wasnât there when their oldest returned.
I am deeply sorry for the pain and anger Iâve caused you. As your father I never wish to cause you suffering and to only be strong and wise for you to lean on. I am though, deeply flawed and human and lived another life before this one safe behind the walls of Shadows Rest.
My mistakes and errors could not all be left behind under the ruse of death. I have enemies that yet live, who would seek to harm you as a way to hurt me. In not telling you of these, but limiting and scolding you for going places you may be in danger I have let you down.
I had hoped to keep you safe forever, or until I knew all danger had passed, but that is hardly practical. Each time I wanted to tell youâŚI could not. My tongue and my head were unwilling to revisit what has caused me so much pain and caused me to retreat from confronting it.
These are the threats you should know and be wary of beyond common dangers and enemies of the house Valdyr you grew up under the wing of.
First and foremost, there is a woman called Nepenthe Falk who shares the name of the father I never knew. She is no family to us except through bloodâwhich she wields as a weapon. She is insane and insists that to spare her, myself and my children from some burden of the Gods it is better that she kill us all. That she thought she killed me and did not, in turn, kill herself only proves her obsession a mania. Even without it, she must hate me well enough to harm any of you out of endless spite. She goes by many names and has managed to evade even Shadowâs agents and disappear from being followed. Never mention the name of Leiran Falk. In public it would do well to even avoid association with me in any form. You were given the name Sceadu to protect you. NEVER let anyone have any of your blood, especially in a major city. No transaction is worth the risk of her discovering my line lives on or the number of terrible things that can be done with it. If you are ever relegated to a hospital or convalescence, ensure any bandages you may be treated with are burned and destroyed.
Second is Jonah Shepard. A man I once considered as good as my brother. A noble of twisted soul and intentâhis and my goals once aligned, but I do not know what he aims to do now. I know only that after years of being my bosom friend, he shot me twice in the back and has agents who likely know I am not dead. He has not been seen in some years, but I doubt he is dead or less of a threat now than he was then. Most dangerous among his allies is a creature of dust and spite called Erabex. She loves nothing more than causing pain and suffering and does not live, breathe or eat. She can break her form apart and slip through even the smallest of spaces. She is best avoided, but is arrogant and could possibly be tricked into a space she cannot escape from or a powerful enough magic trap.
Third is the snake of a priest, Egan Shinnik. He enjoys taking advantage of anyone and everyone and betrayed me to the nobles of Divinityâs Reach at my lowest and revealed to others that my death was a ruse to stop Nepentheâs warpath. His callousness has put each of your lives in danger by widening the circle of those who know who I once was.
Fourth is Eleanor and Marsden Volundir, their family and the bulk of the Kyrtan Ministry. I made foul enemies of the Guard and the once Vice Legate who in turn tried to yoke me to the law and service by holding hostage your lost brother. She is most dangerous in knowing that I am, indeed, alive and serving under this family now.
Again, my beloved children, I am so sorry the demons I struggle with have crossed over into your lives. Both the very real people who would seek to harm you and for my inability to have warned you much earlier. I will try to answer any questions you have, if not right away thenâŚeventually through letters if I must. I will try to do better.â
His hand hurt, his head hurt, his heart hurt. But it was doneâŚdangerous, a written confession of his past, but his children were more important. It was more important to let them know what they should be wary of. He should have done it years ago, as soon as they were old enough to leave the RestâŚhe hoped it wouldnât be too little too late.
