kitty life

My name is Nyam. No, it isn't my real name. I needed this blog as a space to collect my thoughts. Some random ramblings about the eggs I hate for dinner and some deep reflections on the meaning of life. This is an English/Italian blog, you should expect posts in both languages. reading: the hobbit - j.r.r. tolkien

[lenyam]

6th december 2019

wow. just wow.  i don’t know how long it has been since i updated here, but here it goes:  - i graduated university, for a start. it happened last month, and now i’m officially a speech therapist, yay me.  this whole thing fills me with dread, but on the other hand i’m looking forward to get a start on being independent, having my own patients and really see if i got what it takes.  - i made some great friends in these three years.  i’m not naive anymore, i don’t and can’t know if we’re all gonna be bff in the future years. but, i’m glad i could share my path with these people, and i really hope they all stay in my life for a bit longer.  - still no boys i’m...having my first date in FIVE YEARS tomorrow. he’s a friend of a friend, and since i have really zero experience i can’t really tell much by the way he’s behaving. he saw me last friday, asked her my name, and started texting me ever since. he texts me everytime he has a break. he’s really interested, i guess...?  looking back on my older entries here, i see that those same doubts that plagued my mind with that first boy are still here. i don’t know how to start anything with anyone, i don’t know how long it should take to really see if i’m interested in that person, but AT LEAST, i have to give myself the chance to try. 

[1980vibes]

cactus are from another planet, i swear it

[lenyam]

1st january 2018

it’s just me and poppy against the world now this year has to be better facing fears and conquering them

[thats-the-teen-spirit]

twenty one pilots - Migraine

[lenyam]

26th november 2017

ook, so i guess it’s a seasonal thing. i’ve been reading back posts from last year, and i definitely think i tend to forget how badly i felt, how pain and sadness is such a definitive constant of my life, because i was beginning to think it was just something that came up in full force recently. but, no, apparently nov-dec-jan are kinda tough months for me.  stuff happened. health stuff happened. the main reason i got back into writing here is because i want to write, tell, somewhere that i’ve been feeling like shit for a month, i think. the weekends get me really depressed. and i feel it so strongly and i can’t do anything about it. because i literally can’t do anything, that’s depression.  and i’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking, and thoughts are starting to drive me m a d , and i don’t know how to stop them.

[bled]

[lenyam]

1 march 2017

wtf is going on with me today this is the closest i've been to feeling "elevated"

[lenyam]

13th february

started traineeship today and i loved it. i’m in kindergartens with children from 1 to 3. i’m keeping a diary for uni purpose, so i won’t be writing much here because of that. la scimmia nuda ballaaaaa 

[lenyam]

12th february

yesterday evening was a tad akward; today my mood is “god give me the strenght”  it is a bit in relation to my “be kind” speech of yesterday

[lenyam]

11th February

life is all about choices; every single day I choose whether to be a nice person or a douche. every single day I choose whether to play dumb or to let others know they can't fool me. every single day I choose whether it's worth to keep a friendship or ruin a moment just for the sake of having the upper hand. and i know so many people who just don't bother. who go their own way, so full of their own beliefs, and just wave through life and friends uncaring for temporary hurt feelings. and i ask myself: am I the better person for letting them and not keeping grudges? or am in the wrong and I should just retaliate? uncaring towards hurt feelings or promises made? because it is a hard job, being a nice person; every word is heavy. every friend is different, can be hurt in a different way. nobody tells you that in order to be kind you have to be empathetic. and I guess that's why - some people are kind but non-empathetic, some others choose not to be kind while being empathetic. I'm not holding myself as a saint. I'm an asshole (or I've been one) most of the times. But I value friendship above everything else. I value kindness above everything else. why do you have to hurt the other just for the sake of being right? what do you gain by doing that? just an easy, quick sense of pride and satisfaction. In an ideal world kindness would be cherished and selfishness would be shun. alas, in spite of everything I wrote above, we do not live in that world. The kind ones are the ones with less friends, the mean ones in some ways get to keep people. why, oh why?

[lenyam]

8th february

hi i’m alive all is well life is tiring i’m in a weird phase

[lenyam]

5th february

booked a plane, 2 kinds of different buses and a train for my trip (alone!!!!!) in the end of february. non-anxious people won’t get the struggle i had to go through to get this done.

[lenyam]

28th january 17

for once, I sincerely forgot to write here, not just decided not to do it. but really, i forgot.  sooo, what happened? my week was pretty much eventful -- it started with traineeship at the hospital with b1 and things have been pretty great there for the whole week. it was my first traineeship experience where i didn’t want to kill myself as soon as i got out or where i didn’t feel this guilt for thinking about not being good enough. i really put myself out there, and it fucking paid off.  we also got to talk with the speech therapist there and it was a really amazing experience, it was the assurance that i could be on the right track here with this uni path.  and i also bonded a bit with b1, but i’m still trying to get over my feelings of not being worth to talk to, like i’m a massive fraud and soon everyone will realise that there’s just no point hanging out with me because i’m just an introvert and rude and not interesting. then, i caught a cold. yay. i have been feeling like shit ever since yesterday. so, no going out today, even because the weather was shit.  started please like me. on the third rewatch of skam. ooh, and also people from uni want to hang out and go to the cinema, i hope it will work out!

[lenyam]

24th january 17

wanted to write a blog post about my resolution to stop buying fast fashion clothes but i’m kinda waiting the weekend so i have more time

[lenyam]

23rd january 17

first day of traineeship, went surprisingly ok, unlike my other first days of ts and then, oh god, the fucking wreck that was gtt today. 6.6 km y’all, regina margherita to porta susa

[lenyam]

20th january 17

so today is the day didn’t watch that fucking inauguration

[lenyam]

18th january

this first half of january: - didn’t manage to read ANYTHING. too immersed in skam fanfiction #dangit - haven’t been kinder, tidier, healthier or more organized. same ‘ol bitter messy me.

. buuuut, i managed to write a p0rn ficlet! didn’t publish it tho because halfway through it i realised i was way off prompt (but it was the second time that it happened and i didn’t want to discard it so here! it’s done, but not published) aaaalso, today watched The True Cost. I keep wondering about sostainable fashion choices here in Italy