the signs as john mulaney quotes
Aries: [the entirety of the salt and pepper diner skit]
Taurus:Â âIn terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.â
Gemini: âIâm really sorry about last night, itâs just that Iâm mean and loud.â
Cancer:Â âIâll keep all my emotions right here and then one day Iâll die.â
Leo: âSometimes babies will point at me, and I donât care for that shit at all.â
Virgo: âThis is an on-fire garbage can. âŚCould be a nursery. â
Libra:Â âYou have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.â
Scorpio:Â ââNo,â I said. You know, like a liar.â
Sagittarius:Â âHi, Iâm very gay, and Iâd like a few dollars.â
Capricorn:Â Â âWe started chanting, McDonaldâs, McDonaldâs, McDonaldâs! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.â
Aquarius:Â ââI think Emily Dickinsonâs a lesbianââ
Pisces:Â âEveryone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.â













